Tuesday, May 31, 2011

May Guest Vlogger: The Search for a Spokesperson


Once a month I'll invite a Guest Blogger onto my blog to give you a break from my style of writing. I also do this because I want to share with you what I like to read and writing that I appreciate while giving some exposure to other people of my ilk who enjoy the written word. But what about people who prefer to communicate via the spoken word. I've been known to do a Podcast once a month (though I didn't in May in preparation for this post), but I don't feel that I've done a good job of representing others around the internet who spread their message through audio and video post. That's why I've solicited various vloggers (video-loggers) from around the World to do what I have not managed to do yet and provide The Hot and Bothered Effect with some videocast content.

So I've gathered some of them together to use their videocasting skills for the betterment of this blog. I want this blog to have a spokesperson outside of myself. I want there to be a face that you can connect with The Hot and Bothered Effect. And I think that it would be best if that face was one other than my ugly mug. I make no pretensions towards being relatable. I am a ridiculous caricature of a human being. But every great brand needs a spokesperson. Some like Nike and Geico need several. Seriously. Gecko, Cavemen, or Money I could be saving with googly eyes...make up your mind, Geico. But we are clearly in a golden age of spokespeople. Spokespeople have always been useful but in 2011 they are really coming into their own. I think that I smell an A History of... Spokespeople post brewing in a few months. They are better than ever, and if The Hot and Bothered Effect is going to keep up in this modern era...we're going to need a good one.

This is why I have whittled the 22 vloggers (from 6 different countries) who submitted videos down to the four who I think would best represent this blog to the internet community. However, I will not be picking from amongst these finalists. I would like you, my loyal readers, to select who you would like to see on the blog every other month (or possibly more often) to give you updates and share their thoughts with you. Everybody is free to vote whether you're just stopping in or whether you've been reading this blog for months. However, followers will have their votes weighted 3 to 1. So become a follower. I don't really care if you're following just a vote. If you're a follower when voting ends on June 30th then you're vote will count 3 to 1. You can vote once in the comment section of every post that I post in June as well as in the comment section of this post. That should be approximately seven to eight posts...but you know how I am. So please check in and vote regularly as I value your opinion and want to hear who you want to represent this blog as Spokesperson. Remember that whoever you vote might win a recurring gig on this blog.


Michelle - "Starving College Student"


Hans Von Puppet - "Professor, German, Web-lebrity"


Rock - "Has Beard...Drinks Beer"


Susie - "Hopes You'll Vibe With Her...Thinks I Update on a Daily Basis"


These are the finalists. Please vote for one of the above by posting in the comment section of this post and every post in June.

For those of you that were disappointed to see that I used all American entires...here were some of the foreign entries (from the UK and  Bulgaria , respectively).

Jack - "Trampy British Guy...Possibly Coming Down Off Hallucinogens"

 

Joanka - "Bulgarian, Thick Accent, Appears to Know She's Attractive"


Thanks for Reading. Please Vote in the Comment Section Below. See you next week. And note that Ray will make his (very poor) videocasting debut next month with his Webcam Book Club.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Lush Life Chronicles - - Volume 9: The Big Fish



We've arrived at the final third of the Lush Life. The first third featured tangible things and skills that one should have in their life in order to be living The American Dream. The second third focused on people and relationships that were necessary to live The Lush Life. Well, now we've reached the third that will focus on a few far more intangible and nebulous set of needs. These are concepts and lifestyles that one should possess in order to live their best life. And I'm here to tell you what they are because Oprah is leaving a void in that department. And who am I if not somebody to fill Oprah's void? The Big Fish is something that is essential for anybody who wants to enjoy life to the fullest. It meets a fairly shallow need for many people and some of the more nuanced and independent amongst our number might feel that they don't need The Big Fish. And they might not need it for the reasons that most people do...but they need it all the same. If you have The Big Fish, you can use it as you see fit...but there is a right way to use it. And that reason just depends on you. Whatever you need The Big Fish to do in your life, it is capable of doing.

The Big Fish is, to my knowledge, the only Pillar of the Lush Life that is named after a film. At least until Oliver Stone releases The Bubble, that is. The Big Fish was a Tim Burton film starring Ewan McGregor and Albert Finney that dealt with father-son relationships and the lost art of story-telling. Story-telling is something that has been valued for centuries as a gift and a talent possessed by those who are able to masterfully blend style and substance into entertainment and education. We still value great story-telling as a valuable asset in America, it's just that less and less people are adept at it. I don't know what's to blame. I could blame the educational system or social networking or fast food. Maybe it has to do with the fact that what makes a good story has changed. It's called Big Fish because stories about catching large fish used to be immensely interesting. However, ever since that guy on Youtube tackled and wrangled a marlin with his bare hands...well, that's kind of hard to top. Fish stories are incredibly boring now. But the truth is that I really don't know what's to blame. What I do know is that the ability to spin a captivating yarn is tangentially  important to your happiness as a human being. Most people want to be the life of the party. 90% of people are whores for attention and approval. And even if you're in that 10% that I described earlier as being more "nuanced" and "independent", The Big Fish still has value for you.

The Big Fish can be explained on three different levels. The Big Fish is an ability, it's a person, and it's a lifestyle. At it's most basic level, the ability, The Big Fish is just what I described above. It is the ability to amaze and impress others when you regale them with your stories. In America, being entertained is a multi-trillion dollar industry. We are well-taken care of and with survival not constantly on our minds, they are allowed to turn to leisure. However, within most of us there is a strong desire to be the entertainment. We see the celebrity that comes with being a famous actor, singer, athlete, or author and we want that for ourselves. Realizing that widespread esteem is rare and unrealistic, most of us would happily settle to just be the life of the party in our own lives. We're fine with being a big fish in a small pond. We only really care that those around us find us interesting and amusing. When we gather with friends and family for dinner, we want them to hang on our every word. Everybody likes to be made to feel like they are important. This is why birthdays and graduations are cause for such excitement: you get to be the center of attention. But nothing draws positive attention to oneself on a daily basis quite like being funny and interesting. People want to talk to a great communicator and listen to a great story-teller and that's why The Big Fish is an invaluable skill to have.

However, what makes The Big Fish trickier is that no matter how charismatic, charming, or seamlessly dramatic you are when you talk...you can never seem to please everybody. That's what makes The Big Fish so elusive. It has to be tailored to your audience. Some stories will fly with certain crowds but not with others. In order to be fully dynamic as a storyteller, you must be extremely versatile. You see The Big Fish is also a person. Whoever you are communicating with is The Big Fish and it is your job to hook them with your wit, humor, or intrigue. But the most important people for you to try and impress are the people who matter. Who those people are depend solely upon your wants and needs in life. Some people want to impress people that they idolize. Others want to impress that cute boy or girl that they have their eye on. Some people are just seeking their parent's approval. No matter who you are there is somebody who's opinion matters to you. Only a fool cares what everybody thinks. But an even bigger fool doesn't care what anybody thinks. And the easiest way to gain esteem and favor with people is to have them find you interesting. The more interesting and intriguing that you can make yourself appear, the more people will want to be around you. If you're the kind of person who can regale them with tales of all of the magical happenings in your life, then they'll think that hanging out with you will make their life more interesting by association. Adventure is something that you can rub on other people.

The allure of The Big Fish is never more evident than at the dinner party. In any gathering of eight or more people it is not always possible to be within convenient conversation distance of all members of the party at the table. You can chat with the people next to you. You can chat with the person across from you. And you can chat with the people at your diagonals. But if somebody is across the table from you, it is unlikely that they will be your primary conversation partner during a given meal. This is why the table jocking at a large group dinner is one of the most interesting social dynamics that one can observe. Everybody wants to sit next to the cult of personality at the table. It's silent but it's there...and it's on everybody's mind. What the Last Supper must have been like I can only imagine...all of those sweaty, bearded Galileans scrambling to get a seat next to Big J. Everybody wants dinner and a show and the best place to get that show is to sit next to The Big Fish. At dinner The Big Fish even supercedes The Hot and Bothered Effect, which isn't just the name of this blog...it's a thing. I'll explain it at some point in the future.

However, I wish I could say that just being a terrific story-teller were enough to attain The Big Fish. In reality this is less than half of the equation. The trickier part is that you actually have to have interesting stories. You have to lead a life that people will find interesting. You could just make shit up, but that will come back to bite you in the ass eventually. Just ask Greg Mortensen. No. In order for you words to have any weight, you're going to have to live through some righteous experiences. Nobody respects a liar and if you're branded as one then The Big Fish could be gone for good. Or at best you'll be expected to show photos as you regale associates with your exploits. Living a life that is enviable is more important than being able to interest people with the stories. So, now you can see why The Big Fish is a lifestyle. It's really about living a life that is interesting. The Big Fish is about carpe diem. A wise man named Tracy Jordan once said, "Live every week...like it's Shark Week." So true. Sharks are among the biggest of fish and that kind of seize the moment attitude is what The Big Fish is all about. This is where those "nuanced" and "independent" people come in. They might not care to impress others. But I'll bet they too long for adventure.

The Big Fish is the reason that I have my Bucket List. In the interest of being comfortable, I could just waste my life away without every trying new things or having adventures. I won't let that happen. I try and wake up every day and say "What will I do today that will make for great dinner conversation?" That can be hard to do with a job and bills and chores and the such. But it's the only way to think about life if you're serious about living it. I'm actively trying to make life my bitch. I'm trying to take life by it's suspenders, turn it upside down, and shake every last nickel of lunch money out of it. And this blog is my means of trying to tell you about...hence the story-telling aspect. Am I succeeding in living life to the fullest? Not really. Am I succeeding in my quest to be a great story-teller? Not so much. But I hope I'm improving. I'm trying and eventually I'll hook The Big Fish. And I'll move from fishing spot to fishing spot trying to catch as many as I can because each new The Big Fish is an adventure which brings me closer to The Lush Life.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Mr. Fix-It - Economic Whoas!: Vice to the Rescue


It's time for this quarter's edition of Mr. Fix-It. And I'm here to lend my services to the Obama Administration once again, just like I did when I fixed immigration back in November. The economy has been super shitty for the past couple of years. I have solutions to fix the problems with the economy and if somebody wants to forward the link to this blog to their local congressman we can let the healing begin. It should be noted that historically, economics, to quote Austin Powers, is "not my bag, baby". I got a C+ in Dr. Yi's Microeconomics class at Xavier University. That's the second worst grade I ever got at Xavier. However, that's because this was "micro"economics. I'm a big picture guy. Throw me macroeconomics and I think I'd do better. I can see the forest through the trees and that's that reason that I'm the person to tackle this economic crisis. I've got some credentials. I read TIME magazine and have read both Freakonomics and Super-Freakonomics. But there's something that I lay claim to that is even more important. I might be the world's best Monopoly player.

Nobody really understands economics all that well except for Warren Buffett and Alan Greenspan, and they haven't been able to do shit about the economic crisis. This is because Monopoly has failed us as a nation. It's possibly the most popular selling board game in the capitalist world, and yet it fails to teach us many important economic principles. It's so simplistic. It fails to teach us that if there is neighborhood gentrification and a little creative gerrymandering of districts by the city council of Marvin Gardens then Ventnor Avenue is going to depreciate in value. It fails to teach us that the key to making Pennsylvania Avenue as lucrative as Boardwalk is a top-notch school system. There are so many important economic factors of real estate alone that Monopoly ignores. And I'll be the first to admit my Monopoly dominance can be credited less to my economic brilliance than the following factors:
  • I roll dice like it's my god damn job.
  • I can talk Ben Hewett into selling me Park Place for 40 cents on the dollar so that I can put hotels on it because we both want to see Nick Rosati throw a hissy fit.
  • I know that when the properties are all bought up and hotels are in play...stay in jail. Near the end of games I have done everything from light littering to sexually assaulting Nick to get thrown in the Big House where I'm safe from hotel fees and have won literally dozens of games while my Cannon was sitting in the clink.
  • I know that, just like in real life, he who controls the utilities...controls all
  • When I was young and cute I was able to talk my babysitters into letting me keep houses that I owed to the bank by invoking "squatter sovereignty". They thought a 7-year-old using "big people words" was adorable so they let me have them.
  • I realize the lunacy of a community beauty pageant runner-up prize paying out 50% as much as a multi-hotel development contract from The Community Chest.
  • If we are playing on a phone, I will cheat and sell myself States Avenue for $12 on your turn while you aren't paying attention (sorry, Tim).
There are only two things that I never could totally make myself remember when playing Monopoly. The first is what happens when you land on Free Parking. Seriously, everybody has a different rule for this. The second is the reason that we're in this financial crisis and that is that once you've bought a property or a house...it's not worth what you paid for it. Whenever I would take stock of my assets, I would always appraise my worth using the price on the front of the property cards. I could never remember that if I fell upon hard times that the property I was holding would have to be sold to the bank for the price on the back of the card, which was usually 50%. Because of this I would feel confident in my standing and would engorge myself on new properties and live outside of my means. And because I can roll dice like it's my god damn job and because Ben loves to see Nick in tantrum mode as much as I do...this never came back to haunt me. However, this did come back to haunt America and that's why we're where we are now. We should have learned from you, Monopoly. It would have saved us a lot of trouble. But we couldn't take Uncle Pennybags seriously with that monocle, so really...this is your fault.

Ronald Reagan once said, "There are simple solutions, -- not easy ones." I think that that's the message that I'm trying to bring here today. There really isn't any reason that we can't pull out of this economic crisis. We just have to have the want to. We have to understand cause and effect and we have to realize that the recession we're in is just a wake up call. Nothing major really changed in the Summer of 2008 when the recession began to hit full swing. There was no natural disaster. There was no government coup d'etat. There wasn't a major event that started it. We as a nation were just privy to new information which made us look back at the trail of breadcrumbs that we'd left over the past several years and say, "Well, fuck this noise." We brought the recession on ourselves because we realized that over a couple decades our spending had been spiraling out of control and we were no longer living within our means. If we didn't have this information...we probably wouldn't be in this position right now. It's a major defeat for the "Knowledge is Power" crowd and a major victory for the "Ignorance is Bliss" crowd. However, we were going to need to re-set eventually before we hit a point of no return...so I guess this is as good a point as any.

But it's important for us to remember that the recession is all in our minds. The problem is that it is in our collective minds. You can't end it by thinking about the economy differently and getting yourself out of the funk. You have to bring your fellow man kicking and screaming out of that same funk. Our economy, at it's most basic level, is based on numbers. And if these numbers say the right things...the floodgates to a healthy market economy will open back up. Things don't need to change outside of the acceptable parameters of these numbers because as I just illustrated: economic perception is economic reality. So my plan will simply be to put in place ideas that will bump these various numbers in the right direction. And for those of you that are worn out with all of the political bickering over what we need to do...fear not. I will tackle this issue without bashing Democrats or Republicans and I won't be pointing any fingers as to whose fault the economy is. The time for finger-pointing has long past. That won't fix anything. So I'd like to introduce my 8-fold plan for fixing the economy. These aren't your congressman's economic ideas. They're not mindless hopes like: "Cut spending and raise taxes." These are ideas the way that only Mr. Fix-It could produce ideas. And also note that I named this blog post long before I realized that Vice would only encompass one fold on the 8-fold path. But it's too late to go back and fix the title card because I have to venture ahead to fix the economy. So please ignore that I won't even be talking about "Vice to the Rescue" for another 15+ paragraphs.

Step I: Invoke Some Actual Trickle-Down Economics

I am well aware that I am not the best at segueing and that it takes me forever to get to where I'm going, conversationally speaking. So please just sit back and listen to my recent brunch escapades in West Hollywood and I swear that I'll get to Trickle-Down Economics by the second paragraph. Jen's roommate Jessica L. recently left to spend several months in Rome. So myself, Jen, Jessica H., Burrows, and Mark all took her out to brunch for her final American meal. We parked at Jen and Jessica L.'s apartment and walked several blocks to an establishment called Dough Boys. We had a delightful brunch despite the fact that Burrows and the girls got very uncomfortable when Mark and I made up the statistic that 1 out of every 10 people in Los Angeles County is in the porn industry and somewhat noisily played a game called "Which Three People in this Restaurant are most likely in Porn". It's a very cerebral game that takes into account fashion choices, food orders, and a person's general aura. I recommend you all play it while out to dinner sometime. So on our way back, Mark and I continued this inane conversation as we passed by a place called Crepe Republic. Mark wondered if the gimic behind Crepe Republic was that everybody voted on what to put in the crepes at which point Burrows and I were forced to point out that it was not called Crepe Democracy. Everybody would have to elect a Crepe Senator and then that person would decide what should go in the crepes. It was at this point that I decided that my life's ambition was to be elected Crepe Senator. And now that I've spent a whole paragraph letting you know that I want to be the Crepe Senator...I'll segue into how America should be a little less republic and a little more democracy.

In America we rarely get to vote on issues. We vote to elect leaders, and they vote on issues for us. Hence, we are a republic. Occasionally, Americans will get to vote on Propositions and Ballot Referendums, but these are often on the state and local level and almost never on the national level. Well, I think that we need to change that if we're going to fix the economy. A major complaint of politicians (be they congressmen, assemblymen, or Crepe Senators) is that they are controlled by special interests. Big private sector wallets donate a lot of money to their campaigns to get them elected, and in return these special interests expect that they will be rewarded with lucrative government contracts. This is why I propose that on any contract that is over one billion dollars (or some more reasonable number that encapsulates the fifteen or so most lucrative contracts voted on by congress in a given year), we shift from a republic to a democracy and have American citizens vote. Bring that vote directly to the people and then you'll limit the sway of special interests. Special interests won't be able to line politician's pockets so they'll have to butter up the American people by lining our pockets. Huge campaign contributions to gain favor with politicians will become huge hospital contributions to gain favor with local charitable guilds. If Halliburton wants you to favor it's contract bid despite it being a little pricier, it's going to need to kiss some babies and donate to some churches. Not only will this get money directly into the hands of Joe TaxPayer and out of Senatorial campaigns, but having campaign coffers be emptier will help in and of itself. With less money for their campaigns, members of Congress will be forced to switch from big mammoth ad agencies to smaller boutique agencies. And politicians who are already forced to use boutique agencies will have to switch to blog agencies like The Hot and Bothered Effect Agency...where I'll pimp your campaign for $40. Hence, Trickle-Down Economics.

Step II: Lower the Gas Standard

It's a little known piece of trivia that The Wizard of Oz was a giant metaphor for America's need to abandon the Gold Standard. Every US dollar used to be tied to a fixed weight of gold that was held in Fort Knox. To our credit, America did eventually shake the gold standard. However, somewhere along the line we replaced it with The Gas Standard. Our national currency no longer fluctuates based upon the price of a pound of gold. We are now graded by the price of a gallon of gas. Gas is really high right now. The dollar doesn't buy much of it at all anymore, and more than a few people will take this to mean that the dollar is weaker than it used to be. This is bullshit. Why are we tying our economic happiness to the price of a gallon of gas? I realize that there will always be a standard. As humans we're programmed to have one. We have to tie our dollar to something. But gas is something that's too volatile to be our standard. We can't allow the perception of our economy to be tied to a resource that is so powerfully controlled by people who don't like us. Iran and Venezuela shouldn't be able to have any bearing on the way that we feel about our dollar. But because we worship at the almighty numbers above the pump...they do. Now, America is no slouch when it comes to oil reserves, but they won't last forever. And Saudi Arabia's might last close to forever. Donald Trump apparently thinks that we should march over there and take it all because we can. But I'm here to tell you that that is not the answer. Trump, we've come to an international understanding that possession is 9/10 of the law. And if this understanding is ignored, then me and my band of vigilantes are going to take the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City for our own.

The trick here is two-fold. First, we must ween ourselves off of our dependence for foreign oil. Second, we must then find a new, less volatile standard with which to affix our dollar. The first part is substantially more difficult. We've been trying for forever to become energy independent, but Big Oil has thwarted us at every turn. We should have had a substantial electric car over a decade ago. Ed Begley Jr. has been driving one for years and he's never missed a day of work. The problem is that he's motivated to do it for environmental reasons. And the average Joe doesn't really care about the environment. But he does care about the economy. So we have to make the electric car somehow economically friendly...and possibly sexy. If the US government is willing to pump money into the electric car, it will pay off substantially for our nation with an increase in the value of our dollar. Unfortunately, Big Oil makes major Senatorial campaign contributions to stop this from happening. But as my last step extrapolated...maybe we can work around that. The question now becomes: What do we replace the Gas Standard with? I'm thinking we should use the McChicken sandwich. The McChicken Standard would be beneficial because the McChicken is a very stable commodity that really should always hold at $1. And if it does move slightly to accommodate the legit rise or fall in the value of the dollar...at least we'll know when we're back to normal. It will be a lot like The Doomsday Clock. And by that I mean that nobody will understand the McChicken Standard (just as we don't understand the Doomsday Clock) but we know what's good and what's bad. 

Step III: Get More Americans to Fill Non-Citizen Immigrant Jobs

One of those "numbers" that I talked about us having to push in the right direction is Unemployment. This might actually be the most important number to push. And with good reason. A good economy has to have a good job market. Unemployment is hovering around 10% and that just isn't working for anybody. Unfortunately for illegal immigrants and non-resident aliens...they don't count towards this number. The big rip on illegal immigrants is that they take jobs that could go to American citizens. This is a pretty lame criticism. Most of them are taking jobs that Americans don't want for wages that Americans won't work for. If you want to go bust your hump as a migrant vineyard worker for minimum wage...I'm sure that there is a spot for you. These jobs are also jobs that I refer to as "resume stains". I've worked as a gas station cashier and a driving instructor. These jobs aren't on my resume because the very fact that I was ever willing to settle for them tells some people that I'm not cut out for the top. But I don't care...money is money. But illegal immigrants do have some jobs that I think that American citizens could get behind. The trick is how to make American citizens more desirable hires than illegal immigrants when they require a little hitch called minimum wage. The trick here is to tailor the job into one that works towards skill sets that American citizens have that most illegal immigrants would not. Oftentimes, this means revolutionizing an industry to work to our strengths. I don't have any real problem with illegal immigrants. They want some Land of Opportunity, so they're grabbing at it. Good for them. But I have to watch after Americans first if I'm going to fix the economy. So, I have several ideas to rework the illegal immigrant heavy trades of donut proprietor, nail salon worker, and dry cleaner employee to better suit Americans. However, these can all wait for another post. Today I will share with you my ideas to Americanize the backbone of the illegal immigrant job market: the cab driver.

I know that whenever I get in a cab there is going to be an 80% chance that the driver will speak something only marginally resembling English. This number jumps even higher when I'm at the airport. But wouldn't it be nice if you had a good, friendly conversationalist as your driver. That's why I'm introducing "Conversation Cab". It's a cab featuring a fluent English-speaker who is naturally well-versed in many areas of conversation. Each cab will have information on the side letting you know the driver's areas of expertise from Politics to Travel to Sports to Pop Culture to Business to Science to Literature to Technology and Beyond. I envision it to look something like a Trivial Pursuit pie with different wedges to let you know what the driver is competent in conversing about. It should be noted that I originally thought this idea up when I contemplated combining a taxi service with a phone sex hotline. I was going to call it Naughty Talk Cab Company, but I thought it might be too tawdry to be a commercial success. And I thought that it was a sexual assault charge waiting to happen. A cozy fiber-optic line connection keeps the caller's grubby hands off of the phone sex operator when it's a phone call. That distance would not be present at Naughty Talk Cab Company. However, aspects of this idea will probably be present within "Conversation Cab". I also want to launch a non-televised version of Cash Cab. How has this not happened yet? Your driver will ask you questions every two miles, and for every one you get correct one mile will come off of your fare. Cabs have a high enough profit margin that it could still be a success even with very intelligent riders. And costs could be subsidized by having corporations like Coke or T-Mobile pay to have questions asked about their products to passengers. We could also apply for an education grant on the grounds that we're educating Americans with trivia. Boom. Profit Margin Restored.

Part IV: Make Unemployment and Welfare Work

A lot of people want to cut welfare and unemployment completely. These people have almost certainly never needed welfare or unemployment. I have never needed welfare or unemployment, but I'm not as hasty as these people. I do think that both of these programs have gotten out of control. I was eligible for unemployment last year, but did not accept it on the grounds that I didn't want to leech off of society. Everybody told me to take it. But I didn't want to because, while it's free money...I didn't actually need it. I say "leech" because that's what is happening with both of these programs. Sometimes leeching is necessary. I don't have a problem with somebody who has fallen on hard times using taxpayer money to prop themselves back up. However, I do expect that they'll do just that: prop themselves up and move forward in life. That doesn't happen more often than not. There are people that have been riding the welfare bus for what seems like forever. And unemployment usually cuts you off after a year and a half, but that's easy enough to work around. I don't want to shut these programs down completely because they are still useful and needed. I don't mind people getting a ride. I just don't know how I feel about that ride being a free ride. Nature has lots of relationships where one organism leeches off another. However, many of these are called symbiotic relationships. It's time to turn America's relationship with people on unemployment and welfare into a symbiotic relationship.

I don't always believe in making blanket generalizations about people. But I think it's fair to generalize people on "unemployment" as having a surplus of free time. I can think of about 50-60 hours a week that I don't have that most of them do have. And I say that they should be using a fraction of that to give back to the tax payers that are providing them with their livelihood in this time of need. I don't think that that's too much to ask. Tons of places are always looking for volunteers and I'm really only thinking that 15 hours a week be requisite to receive such benefits. And I'm sure that the government can find them suitable service sites should they be as bad at finding placement sites as they are at finding jobs. By taking money from welfare and unemployment they are establishing a debt with society. And just like prison inmates must pay their debt to society through labor...so should people that are taking government money. All I ask is a light quid pro quo to help out during the recession. I realize that there are several people who might not be able to work in a variety of jobs or placements due to physical or mental handicaps or various illnesses. And I'm not suggesting that we slam the door in the faces of these people. Unlike the Eskimos who sent their weak and elderly to die on ice drifts...I believe that every person has value. And I believe that no person should be left behind who is willing to make the necessary concessions to not be left behind. So for these people, just let me know their situation and I'll let our uncreative government know how they can help in creative ways.

V. Quit Worrying About the National Debt

A lot of this recession is mental. The enormous national debt that the United States has amassed is doing just as much damage to our economy through the minds of our citizens as it is actually inflicting on our government's checkbooks. Therefore, take a breath. Relaxing is literally half the battle. Chill out. People really don't understand the national debt. And if you think that there is a worst case scenario in which America defaults because of massive debt, then you clearly underestimate the importance that our allies place on our financial strength. Our debt really isn't that bad in the scheme of things. America's national debt looks pretty daunting when you throw that  "trillion" word out there after a number...but please realize that it is still less than our GDP. This means that if our government was to cut spending by 33% and apply that towards paying the national debt, we could have it paid off in about 10 years. I realize how Christly absurd that last statement is. It's hard enough for our government to not raise spending by 3%, much less cut 33%...so this will likely not be happening anytime soon. Which is good. Because if we paid off the national debt in the next 20 years...we would wreck the World. Our international creditors have very little interest in us paying off the national debt anytime soon. They are receiving their interest payments and that's the way they like it. And I'm pretty sure that if we threatened to pay it back in a couple years, they'd lower the interest rates in order to continue suckling at our financial teet. If we were to pay France everything that we owe them this year, it would cause such massive inflation that France (which according to TIME has the World's second most stable economy) would be endanger of a massive double-dip recession and teeter close to financially defaulting. And since they've tied their currency to the rest of Europe through the Euro, there would be an even wider ripple effect. Such is the power of the mighty United States economy.

This doesn't mean that I'm saying that we should keep borrowing and borrowing until we really have dug a ditch too far. We should try and live within our means as a country and get our spending under control...even if we're just doing it to set an example for our citizens. We've set a bad example. Also, there are certain creditors who we can't scare by threatening to pay them back. China's government has it's finger solidly on it's financial floodgates, and therefore is in complete control of their creditor situation with us. So I would recommend that we try and pay off the foreign debt as we can. The more of our debt that we can internalize, the better. That's part of why we are so stable...more than 50% of our debt is internalized. Likewise, Japan's debt is several times it's GDP, but only 7% of that debt is foreign. So they are able to maintain a pretty steady financial situation since it would not behoove 93% of their creditors if they were to stagger financially. Greece is in the worst shape. Their debt massively overwhelms their GDP and it's all controlled by Germany. Germany basically owns Greece. It's like World War II all over again. We should work to internalize our national debt and quit letting China, who is the only country that can economically pressure us, grow as a creditor.And I think that it would be nice if the International Monetary Fund came to some sort of debt transferring agreement that could help to internalize debt. There's no reason for the United States to owe Italian creditors billions of dollars and for Italy to owe American creditors billions of dollars when we could transfer those debts to internalize them and benefit everybody. They should get on that if they're not to busy sexually assaulting chambermaids.

Step VI: Regulation, Bitches

That's right. I said that what this economic crisis needs is more regulation. And there are a portion of you that are getting angry and thinking that I'm a Godless commie for jeopardizing your free market economy. That's because you don't know what I mean yet. Government regulation is all good and well, but we all know that the government isn't that good at it. And I don't fully trust them with it. I'm talking about taking regulation into the hands of the people. We need to be more watchful and more vigilant. And we need to whistle-blow when shady shit is going down. When you get invited to a pyramid scheme (and who hasn't been)...call in a "raid" on that shit. It's your job to watch out for our well-being. People aren't going to police themselves and oversight boards have been doing a shitty job. So it's time for vigilante regulation. Remember "vigilante" is just a permutation of the word vigilant. That's all that I'm asking you to be. But if you want to go towards the common perceptions of vigilante, you have my full support. As long as you have all the facts. Vigilantes tend to lose sight of those too often. By taking regulation into your own hands...you get to be The Regulator. That title feels pretty good, doesn't it? You feel kind of like Warren G right now. Except without the possession with intent to sell arrest.

But there is one instance where I think good Old-fashioned official government regulation is necessary. That is as it concerns bail-out money. Nobody likes bail-outs except for Wall Street, banks, the auto industry, people in leaky row boats, and Kobe Bryant. So quite a few people I guess. But bail-outs shouldn't just be a Get Out of Jail Free Card (as I mentioned above...what a useless card...Monopoly jail is the place to be). Bail-outs shouldn't allow screw-ups and ne'er-do-wells to re-set everything so that they are free to screw up and ne'er-do-well all over again. That's not fair to the rest of us who are paying for their mistakes and who feel that we have not been regularly afforded a second chance. We demand our pound of flesh. This doesn't mean I don't think we should have bailouts. I was told that some of them were necessary, and I'll believe the economic experts. But there needs to be conditions. Hand these defaulting idiots a delicious bail-out bagel? Ok. But wait! What's that attached to your bail-out bagel? Is that a string I see? Good. Strings need to be attached. If I'm digging you out of the ditch you dug yourself...then you'd better dig these new rules that I'm throwing at you. And the rules will be plentiful. Let's also remember who's money is being used for these bailouts. Mine. And yours. But also mine. Which is why I think that the American people deserve to financially benefit from these bailouts. I realize that 700 billion dollars is a lot to have to pay back, and that there is literally no way in hell that it can be done by the people receiving the bailout. But not all of that money should just disappear into corporate re-building. I say that at least 10% of all money used to bailout a corporation should be turned into credit that needs to be paid back. However, it doesn't need to be paid back to the US Government. It needs to be paid back to the American people. But not every American person. If I lend you $10 and you give me back $1...well, that's just idiotic. Instead we need to re-install the draft. Only this time you want to be drafted. Being drafted means that you are a randomly chosen citizen who just became a creditor of $10,000 to an American corporation and they will be forced to re-pay you this loan in a timely manner as determined by a pre-arranged agreement of their bailout. This means that for a 700 Billion dollar bailout, 7 Million Americans will receive a hefty some of change in return. Sure, the other 300+ Million of us will get dicked, but seeing as only people who filed their taxes will be eligible for the draft...your chances are a hell of a lot better than winning the lottery. And I think that this is something that Americans can get excited about. 

Step VII: Cut Spending Across the Board

Everybody knows that we need to cut spending if we're ever going to pull our economy out of its current nosedive. Everybody also knows that our government is sensationally wasteful. So I thought that this step was going to be pretty damn easy. I was going to peruse the government budget, and I was going to attack the weak programs like Dave, in the movie of the same name, until I had cut what I needed to cut to make shit work. However, this is example #9427 in my life of how the life of Ray O'Brien in no way, shape, or form resembles Hollywood's depiction of reality. I'm not trying to cut a few million dollars in order to save an orphanage so that Sigourney Weaver / Jamie Lee Curtis will sleep with me. I'm trying to cut trillions of dollars so that we can save the economy. See how I just skipped right over billions there...from millions to trillions. Yeah, shit just got real serious, real quick. So I sat down with the budget and a red pen and got ready to get my Dave on. However, the problem was that I was trying to cut a substantial percentage of our budget and 70% of it is tied to five specific programs: defense, interest on the federal debt, Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid. And these are all things that Americans can't agree on. Almost all Americans accept that a good deal of money needs to be spent on our educational system and civic maintenance. However, Democrats think that defense spending is utterly unnecessary and Republicans think that Medicare and Medicaid spending is unnecessary. Now you might think that it sucks to live in a country where the government takes a sizable portion of your income and spends 70% of it on five such debatably necessary expenses. But count yourselves lucky. In North Korea the government takes all of your income and spends 100% of it on the following five expenses: elaborate birthday parties for Kim Jong-Il (sometimes not on his actual birthday), avant-garde high-tech ghost towns on the border to try and make South Korea jealous, huge North Korean flags, paying Chinese nationals to cheer for North Korea at the World Cup because their own people aren't allowed to leave the country, and production costs on re-makes of American movies to star Kim Jong-Il made by his  private director who he keeps locked in his basement. So really, wasteful spending is all relative.

But things do need to be cut. And quite frankly there's a big chunk that could be taken out of any of the five aforementioned money-gobbling programs. Defense spending is wasteful as hell, but I think that a good amount of that can be controlled by public-voted defense contracts per Step I. We can't just give up on our military spending. We need to maintain our status as the World's Big Poppa Pump. Our military might provides us with countless benefits that you don't even think about. And it's a major reason that, despite financial crisis, the American dollar is still the Worldwide monetary standard. You can say that we're entangled in costly foreign wars so that Big Oil and defense contractors can make big money with the real cost coming to American soldiers and Islamic citizens. I'm not saying that you're wrong. You're probably right. But I think that we are doing the right thing for the wrong reason. We may be over there because we want oil, but if we're not over there then nobody is going to get any oil... because it's pretty hard to build oil rigs on top of mass graves. We may not have found weapons of mass destruction, but I'm pretty sure that over a million Kurdish people in shallow ditches prove that something was afoot. Our big defense budget is needed on the World stage. However, so too is our large medical budget. People deserve to be taken care of and while the medical industry is just as bad as the military at spending money, it doesn't mean that they don't need a lot of it.

The big expense that definitely needs to be adjusted is Social Security. I don't understand why Social Security is the massive demographic time bomb that people say that it is. I realize that the Baby Boomers are hitting Social Security. I also realize that there are a lot more of them than there are Lost Generationers or Silent Generationers or all of those other stupid names that we gave to people born around the turn of the 20th Century. But Boomers have been paying into Social Security their whole lives. So theoretically there should be more funds in Social Security to accommodate them. My general understanding of the way that Social Security should work is that you are basically paying into savings for yourself for the future. However, I realize that wasteful as we are...more than one person's payments are going to each retired person. And this would create a problem if everybody received Social Security. But they don't. People die before the age of 65. It happens every day. However, too many people are living to receive Social Security. Social Security used to be a reward for living right, taking care of your body, and surviving. It was a tribute paid to survivors of life for making it to a certain age. Now that age is below the norm. Dying at 65 in 2011 means dying young. We need to raise the age at which people start receiving Social Security. We can't coddle these 65-70 year old Junior Citizens. We should raise the average age to 70, at least. But we should actually stagger it so that the age at which you start receiving Social Security will be contingent on the life expectancy of the profession in which you have spent the most time working. Lumberjacks and Crab Fisherman can retire at 50. Lazy-ass government pencil pushers won't be able to retire until damn near 95.

Speaking of lazy-ass government pencil pushers...let's get rid of pensions. I'm not an unreasonable person. I'm more than willing to look into the circumstances and allow certain professions within government to keep their pensions. I have no intention of taking any money away from Veterans or injured firemen or anybody else who need it and have earned it from years of service. I just don't think that DMV or IRS employees have done anything to earn one. Their bureaucratic BS means that my life has to be more difficult. If the California DMV could get me a Driver's license in less than eight weeks than I'd consider it...but they didn't, so I won't. Seriously, just because you landed a cushy government job doesn't mean that you should be set for life while the rest of us have to pray that our investments pan out. And while we're at it, unions can bite my ass as well. They had their purpose back when Laissez-Faire economics were running rampant and the works were Upton Sinclair were current social critique. However, now they are corrupt and a burden on the system. Protecting somebody's right to work in a safe and fair workplace is righteous. Protecting somebody's right to keep their job when they are no longer useful and are a burden to their employer and society just seems like something that shouldn't be built into our system. Do you have any clue how hard it is to fire a teacher that has tenure? Ridiculously hard. How is education supposed to improve in this country if we can't hire the best because we can't fire the rest? You shouldn't want to be a burden to society. We should all aspire to be good at what we do. And if we're not we should get out of the way when we're told to, not leech off of our fellow man with some misguided sense of entitlement. Hone your skills until you're irreplaceable and you'll have nothing to worry about.

Step VIII: Vice to the Rescue!

We're here. Vice has finally presented itself as a candidate to bail us out of this economic crisis. We just have to let it. The moralist blowhards in this country think that mankind cannot be trusted to ration their own levels of vice and thus it must be so heavily regulated so as to take half of the fun out of vice with all of the extra stress. I'm not saying that vices are good, and I'm not saying that too much of any of them is healthy. But I don't think that they're something that should be able to be Constitutionally legislated so harshly. And there is also a pile of money to be made from them. So let's welcome the big three: gambling, drugs, and sex into the fold with open arms. Let's start with gambling. I won't try and defend the criticism that gambling has ruined countless lives. However, I view this as a form of natural selection. If you lack self-control, something that you should be able to force into yourself, then I refuse to pity you. If you married somebody who gambles away your mortgage...then I feel a little bad for you, but you still made a poor decision somewhere along the way. Quite frankly, if it weren't for the children of degenerate gamblers being the real victims, I would say that we should go with no regulation at all. But even with any potential hazards associated with gambling, I still don't think that there should be strong opposition to legalizing it nationwide and building casinos in all 50 states. Nevada is one of only a handful of states that carries no state individual income tax. Why do you think that is? I'll bet that it has a good deal to do with the fact that Las Vegas rakes in revenue hand over fist for the state to meet its needs.

And it's more than just income. It's about jobs. When I first graduated from college there was a pretty severe job shortage in Ohio. Before I landed a cush desk jockey job at Clubessential, I would have done just about anything to make a buck. And I did. I was a driving instructor! There are teens who were taught the rules of driving by yours truly. I really should look up how many of them are in the clink for vehicular manslaughter. But I had significant hope back in that summer of 2008 because there was an initiative on the ballot to open a new casino in Cincinnati. It would create a slew of construction jobs initially. And then a few months down the line there would be several openings for blackjack dealers, bartenders, and (my dream job) pit bosses. So I prepared my menacing scowl and vicious backroom backhand. I started trying various shirt and tie combinations in preparation to take some hustlers behind the woodshed and beat the shit out of them. So imagine my despair when the idiot voters of Hamilton County slapped down this Proposition like so much volleyball. There were commercials about how the casino would use some backdoor loophole to avoid paying the state and how hard-working citizens would lose their paychecks. Well, how about allowing some of us citizens without paychecks to get one. Nobody is forcing you to hand yours over. Try not doubling down on 16, jackass. If we look at states that allow gambling, the research shows that there is no way that increased casino presence will not be economically beneficial. There might be a few other unfortunate side effects of rampant gambling. But I don't care about those because the economy will boom back way strong.

Then we come to illegal drugs. I would like to make it clear that if gambling were legalized I would partake of it on a semi-regular basis. I would, however, not partake of illicit drugs. I like to think that I'm way too damn smart for that. I'm smart enough to know what drugs do to people, and I'm sensible enough to know that I'm not the exception in this case. That having been said, I don't have a problem with your drug use. You can use drugs all you want...so long as your drug use does not negatively impact myself. And there lies the hitch. How do we make a debilitating bad habit into a positive? It's easier than you think. The war on drugs already takes a monstrous toll on our nation. We just need to lay down our armor in the war and ramp up the incentive for those people who do use drugs to be responsible with their drug use. Drug convictions are over-loading our prison systems with non-violent criminals. Let's take some of the stress off of the legal system by allowing them to deal with people who are a danger to society. Drug trafficking also creates a surplus of crime. We as a nation have to decide which is the greater evil: drug usage or violent crime. Because if we legalize drugs, then almost nobody is going to risk getting stabbed in some dark alley to buy from a shady dealer when they can get their fix from their local CVS. And we'd put in place laws to try and curb irresponsible use. It's more realistic than trying to totally outlaw them. We'd raise accountability for illegal actions while under the influence. If you kill somebody while you're high...that's no longer vehicular manslaughter or 3rd Degree Murder. It carries Murder in the 1st time. We lock you up and forget about you for 25 to Life. We'd also regulate that drugs are still illegal for minors. That's easier to control. Please remember that Prohibition didn't work. It was a dumb idea and only led to more crime and an unhappier populous. I think the same could probably be said of our current war on drugs.

But how will legalizing drugs help our economy? First of all, drugs are a luxury item. So tax the ever-living fuck out of them like you do with cigarettes. That will rake in a lot of revenue for the government which should allow them to lay a little bit off of income tax. And while only establishments with a license will be allowed to sell to the public...allow anybody who can grow it to sell to the distributors. This will allow people whose houses are about to be foreclosed on to put their backyards to good use. We have a surplus of lots that are going to waste because they're not going to sell anytime soon in this economy. Put that land to use growing a crop that can help the owner ride out the terrible housing market. And I think that Adult "Bake" Sales could be a pretty sweet fundraiser as well. The moral high-grounders will see this as promoting drug use. I see it as taking money that is going to Colombian drug lords and re-distributing it to American communities. I'm not saying that the government should push drug use. I'm thinking the opposite. We should still push anti-drug programs. But junkies are going to be junkies. We don't need them clogging up our prisons and sending their money to cartels so that they can decapitate DEA officers in Mexican border towns. In 1989 Pablo Escobar was the seventh richest man in the World. His net worth was over three times as much as Colombia's national debt (which was over 10 Billion US dollars). And that's when cocaine was illegal. Imagine the money to be made with a legal illicit drug industry in America. Legalizing just cocaine and marijuana would provide such an economic stimulus that I have to think we'd be massively better as a nation if we just declared the war on drugs over.

Now we come to the final member of the vice triumvirate that is here to save our economy: sex. This is another vice that I don't think that I'd take advantage of if it were legalized, any more than I already do. I'd go to strip clubs and buy porn, but I wouldn't pay for actual sex. This has nothing to do with me looking down on people who do. I just don't think that I should have. I value my charm enough to think that I'm too good to pay for sex. Attractive women should pay to have sex with me. Alright...that might be pushing it. However, there are plenty of people who can't find the type of sex they want with the type of person that they want it with for free. So who are we to tell them that they shouldn't be allowed to pay for it? Legalizing illicit drugs in America will change a lot of things. I don't think that legalizing prostitution will change much. In essence, it's already legal and we're spiraling our way towards it being a way of life if we don't pull out of this economic nosedive soon. While Andrew Smith and I were reveling one night, I coined a term for a not-too-distant future that I refer to as "Blowjob America". This could either be a dystopian future or a Utopian future depending upon your feelings on casual sex. "Blowjob America" is what will happen when we have reached Economic Hindenburg and the dollar no longer has value whatsoever. It's at this point that we'll turn to a society where all transactions will be based upon sexual favors. I'm not completely sure that we aren't there already. I'm partially convinced that somewhere in the chain of every transition of every good from producer to final consumer, there is a sexual favor that helps keep price discrimination in check. It's impossible to quantify whether sex is paid for or not without seeing an actual cash transaction, because, in a way, all sex is paid for. There's some give and take in sex: be it between strangers, friends, or married couples. One party always wants sex more than the other at a given point and is willing to somehow sweeten the pot in some way that represents an opportunity cost in order to make sex happen. We're all whores for something.

And the great thing about "Blowjob America" is that you can literally print your own money. I'm pretty sure that just about everybody has a mouth. Some people will be "richer" than others. I think that the title of wealthiest human will transfer from Bill Gates to Reese Witherspoon (sample polls show her to be the theoretically most appealing oral sex provider). So attractive people will be able to set higher rates...but there's always a market for ugly people who are really good at what they do. And nothing stimulates the economy like sex. Be it directly or indirectly, I'm pretty sure that nothing moves disposable income quite like sex. Once your immediate needs (food, shelter, clothing, etc.) are taken care of...pleasure comes next. This is why I'm somewhat against tax breaks. It's because if you give me extra money that I didn't know I was getting...I'm not going to spend it on rent. If I find ten dollars in my couch, Alexander Hamilton is not going to be wisely invested. I'm going to shoot my wad, shooting my wad. I'm going to blow my load, blowing my load. I'm going to use my stimulus package, to stimulate my package. You catch my drift. Legalized sex sure seems to work for the good people of Amsterdam. Imagine the new foreign business that we'd bring in if we legalized prostitution. Foreign businessmen flock to do business in Amsterdam because they know that they can toke up and then get their knobs slobbed on. But why would you do that in Amsterdam when you could do it in Los Angeles or Chicago? Seriously. Bless the comical stereotyped horny nature of our Japanese, Russian, and Italian business associates and let's bring them to America to have them spread their Yen, Rubles, and Euros in our Red Light Districts.

So that's how I plan to fix the economy. If you thought any of these ideas were the kind of classic outside the box thinking that we need...then forward this link to Obama or your Congressman. If you are generally disgusted by my hedonistic notions and think that my ideas will never work...then you'd better hope that nobody ever elects me Crepe Senator of Blowjob America.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Good Blogkeeping (Session 2)


I've been told by many a reader that my blog posts are a little lengthy. They sardonically tell me that if they wanted to read a novel that they'd join a book club. What am I to do at this point? I could shorten my blog posts. But then the terrorists win. I could tell them to Shut the Hell up and mind their own blog. Oh, wait, they don't have one because they are functionally illiterate and can't handle more than a few paragraphs at a time. But that doesn't endear readers to oneself. Or I could just embrace the novelette format of this blog and give them a Table of Contents. So here's what today's session of Good Blogkeeping is going to discuss (feel free to skip what you don't want to read:
  1. The Lush Life 5: I'll discuss what's new of note in Ray's life since the last session of Good Blogkeeping
  2. Bucket List Update: I'll discuss how Ray's Bucket List is going
  3. 40 Movies Update: I'll discuss how Ray's movies selections are doing with an emphasis on The Roommate and Source Code
  4. Where Do I Go From Here?: I'll give you a preview of future blog posts

 The Lush Life 10

So, it's been a long time since I've talked to some of my readers. Here are the ten biggest developments in my life since the last Good Blogkeeping on March 2nd.

5. I got an Alyssa Leona original. I've never been a person who cared for fancy things or non-essential luxuries. But I always thought that it would be nice to have expendable income and buy art. I don't need art, but I surely do appreciate it. I will often walk through the Burbank Art Festival and see several swank pieces, be they canvas or sculpture, while I think would look nice in my pad. So imagine my delight when I received a meticulously crafted via my Federal Express provider. Alyssa sent me one of her paintings from an occasional endeavor that she undertakes called Canvas and Cocktails. It's a business with multiple locations in the Denver area (I think multiple is 2) where people can get together, get drunk, and paint some pictures. This just sounds like a snazzy idea. She was explaining it to us recently and Nick and Erin started brainstorming how to rip off the idea and bring it to other cities (Brushes and Brews, Art and Ales, Watercolors and Winecoolers [my contribution]). Nick might even franchise a similar venture in Puerto Rico under the name Cervezas y Colores. To the right is the painting that will adorn my new apartment.

4. So...Osama Bin Laden died. It's not necessarily news that is overtly relevant to my life...unless I'm allowed to bring mouthwash on airplanes now. But it's big news that means a lot to a lot of people, so I'll discuss it. I'm not normally not one to rejoice at somebody's demise...so I didn't go out and cheer in the streets. But this guy needed to go and without question I think that our world is a better place without him in it. However, what I had really hoped would happen is that we'd get to see some of that American spirit that shone so brightly in the wake of 9/11. I knew that it wouldn't be the same and that it wouldn't last as long, but I just wanted a little of that sweet "compassion for your fellow man" afterglow. Osama's death was announced on May 1st in America. Could we make it one month with this new sense of unity that our President was hoping for? No...we couldn't make it one hour. Unity is a natural human reaction in the wake of of tragedy and hardship. We need to lean on each other so we do. In the wake of victory humans are afflicted with something that Bill Simmons has referred to as "the disease of more". As soon as the announcement was made there was widespread Twitter and news reports pointing fingers and patting backs in regards to who was responsible for bringing Osama to justice and who's fault it was that it took so long. Democrats started blaming Bush and lauding Obama for 2012, which put the Republicans on tilt forcing them to dispute the role of Obama's administration. It was going really smoothly for a brief second. Boehner and McCain had congratulated Obama. Obama had thanked Bush for his contributions. And then things got too chirpy on the interwebs so each side had to bring in Olberman and Palin to ruin things. But as long as we're hoarding credit for Osama's death, I'll tell you who is responsible for bringing down Osama Bin Laden: the homosexuals. That's right, I say that the gays finally got him. Doesn't it seem just slightly too coincidental that after over nine years of looking for this man, we finally got him within a measly few months after repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell. I think that once our fighting servicemen were able to admire architecture and neighborhood gentrification without fear of reprisal...that compound stood out like a sore thumb.

3. I got invited to the Blake Johnson / Jennifer Downing nuptuals. I'm going back to Cincinnati later this month to witness Xavier Senate's very own Czar Downing get married. No matter how good of friends I am with a person I never take it for granted that I will be extended a wedding invitation. I was very honored to receive this invite to their special day and can wait to get back to Cincinnati. I was worried that I might get blackballed from the wedding list because I was the Senator who gave Jen a "Sexy Men of Xavier Senate" Calendar for Christmas which featured all 12 male senators posing in underwear (or less). And rest assured that if I had not been ridiculously behind the times 5 years ago when I took these photos with a camera that requires you to develop film...you would see a picture of Senator Shigeki Tanabe wearing nothing but a well-placed map of the world accompanying this post. God damn you, Ray, for being a late adapter. However, due to shitty flight schedules by Delta (who owns CVG airport for all intents and purposes), I will have less than 36 hours in Cincinnati and will be making it in on a red-eye only about 4 hours before the ceremony. So, I've got my work cut out for me when it comes to planning my time there. However, I am thinking that Max & Erma's chicken tortilla soup, a Kelli haircut, and a podcast with some Cincinnati friends all have to be on the agenda. I also have to get the happy couple a stellar wedding gift. I'll surely get them something off the registry, but you can't follow up a "Sexy Men of Xavier Senate" Calendar with something as bland as a waterproof/fireproof safe or a set of 12" stainless steel woks. There needs to be a kicker for the gift...so feel free to shoot me ideas.

2. I went to Denver. And it was thebomb.com/yourmom. It is truly one of America's great under-rated cities. I don't know that it's going to crack my Top 5 American cities yet...but it surely cracks the Top 10. I had one of the best weekends that I've had in a long time. Rosie and I flew in from LA and Nick flew in from Puerto Rico to visit Alyssa, Glen, Erin, and Ben. We were also joined by Alyssa's friend from Minnesota, Angie. I got into Denver at about 2AM Saturday morning after numerous flight delays, and shortly after that "shit got real". Whatever that means. Seven hours later we were at an IHOP enjoying steak and eggs and a clown was making us sweet ass balloon animals. I was debating between a scorpion and a penguin while the clown was still well out of earshot and decided that scorpion was the way to go. When the clown came over she asked what I wanted and when I asked for a scorpion she responded, "I'm scorpion-impaired...how about a penguin." Holy F-ing ESP, clown lady! There is no way you heard me talking from over 50 meters away while you were making some other couple an alien. Then we proceeded to the Coors brewery tour in Golden, Colorado which is one of America's great untapped resources. It's a free tour, which is now done by audio. This means that it lasts anywhere from 3-45 minutes (your choice). And at the end you get four free beers. However, since the tour is free and can only last 3 minutes if you briskly run/walk through it...what stops you from just getting new wristbands all day and blasting yourself to oblivion on free beer? Anyway, thanks to some pre-Coors Coors at Alyssa and Glen's apartment and a lot of Coors Coors at the brewery, some people got a little blitzed and may have made some intentionally and unintentionally hilarious inappropriate comments that left me actually crying on the floor with laughter and may have been found particularly offensive by some members of the Golden, Colorado community. Whatever. Worth it! The big loser on this trip was Nick's liver. Thanks to all day and night drinking followed by waking up for morning mimosas and drinking some more...I think that he at least was buzzed for at least a period of 60 straight hours. Whatever. Worth it!

1. I am a bone marrow match for some guy. This is an exciting yet scary development at the same time. It's something that I really hope I get to do, but I've also done my research and I am aware that the process is no picnic. There are two ways of collecting marrow cells. The first one usually involves only a one day recovery, but requires you to give blood out of one arm, have the marrow cells filtered out in a machine, and then have some blood returned to you intravenously through your other arm. And to avoid me vomiting and being scarred for life...I'd rather they just knock me out, go into the bone surgically, and I'll deal with the two week recovery. I might even get to miss a day or two of work to catch up on my blogging. Speaking of blogging, I think that my mom is proud of the fact that I might be a marrow donor because she wants me to blog about it...on another blog! Blasphemy!! This is her way of saying that I should have good writing samples on wholesome subjects for employers to peruse when I try and switch over to a writing job. But you guys know that I would never cheat on you, right? I'm not going to try and trick people into thinking that I'm a good person, so posts about the bone marrow donation process will go right here and be surrounded by posts about porn, immigration and Christmas specials. And that's the way it should be. I want to donate marrow to save somebody's life because it's the right thing to do and that's the way I was raised. But let's not pretend that I'm not going to be getting anything out of this whole deal. My self-satisfaction will go way up and I might even have your respect now. And I haven't even really let the horny area of my brain think it over yet, or he'll start preparing for his seven day window for pity sex. So...Now that I threw away all of that uncomfortable respect that you might have been developing for me, let's talk about how the process has gone so far.

I was contacted a few weeks ago by some lady with a Minnesota area code saying that I was a potential match for a man with some sort of lymphoma leukemia. I had originally registered for the Bone Marrow registry when I joined Xavier Senate and the Community Affairs Chair ran a registration drive for a local fire fighter who had cancer. They tested my swab and wanted to get a blood sample from me for testing. No sweat...I gave a small sample and was sweet for the next couple weeks. Then I got another call telling me that I was indeed a match. They had my fill out a survey to ensure that I didn't have a debilitating heroine habitat and that I hadn't had sex with strangers from Central Africa in the last 3 years. They were confident that my marrow would work, but they wanted another blood sample to ensure that I would be the "best possible match". This sounded like so many a job interview that I'd been to. How many times have I heard: "We like you, but we have to look at a few other candidates first."? A lot. And the job never comes my way...so we'll see if bone marrow is any different.

So I went down to La Palma to give some more blood. I was told that I would be giving 100ml which isn't too much to sweat, but it turned out to be 350ml and that sucked. That's basically 2/3 of a pint. And my hematologist was a 4' Vietnamese woman who barely spoke English. I was pricked in at least seven different places because they couldn't find a vein and they had to actually drain me from two different points because the blood wasn't flowing very well. I have given blood over half a dozen times and I have never had the perfect hematologist. My friend Jessica Hummel always asks for the best and thus has gotten some great ones. I don't have a sense of entitlement that allows me to ask for someone other than who I'm given...so I have never had a spectacular one. All I want is a hematologist who meets all of the three C's (and yes I know that one of them is a K). I want a hematologist who is kind, competent, and cute. Competent is the most important one. I want you to stick me one time, find the vein properly, and ensure that it's done as painlessly as possible. Kind is the second most important. I want them to put me at ease and not call me a pussy because I can't look at the needle. This also encompasses a good bedside manner which means being attentive to me as I'm donating and not freaking me out by telling me how cold, clammy, and pale I am. And cute would just be a bonus. However, it's probably best that they not be too good looking because I don't want the vein in my arm to have to compete for blood with other parts of my body.

So, I'll know in 5-6 weeks if they need me to give up some marrow and I'll update you from that point on.

Bucket List Update


Items That I've Crossed Off Since We Last Chatted:
  • #21: Have business cards. That's right, I have business cards. Not from my employer, who I won't besmirch by naming here, but rather for this blog. Just ask and I'll give you one. 
  • #58: Visit my Denver friends in Denver. I technically did this during the first week of February, but it was while I was en route moving from Cincinnati to Los Angeles so it was rushed. However, I went back and it was legendary. I'm already planning another trip for July.
Items That I'm Closing In On:
  • #30: Purchase something at a live auction. So, Burrows lost a bet to me over a round of golf that we played (of course he did, I'm money!). Since he lost he has to help me complete a Bucket List item within 18 months. This is what we've chosen. So if you know of any good live charity auctions, let me know. Because Burrows and I will be rolling with some straight cash.
  • #31: Make the perfect omelette. I've already given it multiple attempts with dozens of different ingredients and during the last trial run I made an important breakthrough: the perfect omelette definitely contains cumin. I'm coming for you, perfect omelette.
  • #88: Donate an organ. I know that bone marrow is not technically an organ. But the point of this Bucket List item is not to go through life with one kidney...it's to try and save somebody's life. So, I'm counting it. It's my Bucket List, so I make the rules.
Items That Are Next on My Attack List:
  •  #16: Be published as a reader's letter in a magazine. TIME, Sports Illustrated, Entertainment Weekly, and MAXIM should all get ready to receive letters me. Hopefully some of those thoughts will be coherent enough to make the cut. 
  • #54: Reach my sex weight (estimated to be 190). I can't say that I'm closing in on this one because I was spotting my sex weight around 50 pounds. However, I've made a good dent into that recently. I'm eating healthier, exercising more, and I think that I can get close to my goal within a year. 
  • Go geocaching. And find a 5/5 cache. So apparently this one is significantly more difficult to achieve than I thought when I put it on the list. Apparently 5/5 often involve scaling mountain faces with ice picks and trekking through chupacabra-infested jungles. However, I welcome the challenge and I'll be warming up with some 3/2 and 2.5/4 caches in the coming weeks.
40 Movies Update

Certified Awesome (So Far) -- These movies all have the Ray O'Brien Thumbs Up

Unknown
Gnomeo and Juliet
The Adjustment Bureau
Rango
Cedar Rapids
Paul
Hanna
Scream 4
Source Code

Certified Lame (So Far) -- These movies have made Ray O'Brien concede a Thumbs Down

The Dilemma 
The Roommate 
Sucker Punch

The Jury Is Out (For Now) -- These movies will require further investigation (i.e. watching them) from Ray O'Brien

No Strings Attached
Take Me Home Tonight
Your Highness
The Conspirator

[Please NOTE: Ray O'Brien will be discussing in greater depth two of the above movies and why one wasn't very good and why the other was. So this is your official SPOILER ALERT! for THE ROOMMATE, SOURCE CODE, SUCKER PUNCH, and SINGLE WHITE FEMALE]

The Roommate - A Critical Review

The Roommate was a film that I thought had promise. I feel pretty damn positive that most people looked at this movie and knew that it would be a whole lot of nothing special. And even when it came out to very underwhelming reviews I thought that it would be a movie that could be enjoyed simply for the massive amount of sexy that was injected into it. However, having seen it I will concede that it fails as a film and I'll tell why. This was a film that I was heavily leaning on the fact that it was going to be sexy as hell. It starred Minka Kelly, Leighton Meester, and Daneel Harris. One of these characters was playing a lesbian (Harris) and another one was basically playing a lesbian without it ever being explicitly stated (Meester). It took place in college, which in Hollywood films means a Mecca of drugs and sex. All of the pieces were in place for this to be a sexy movie and it decidedly wasn't. They would continually walk in the direction of being sexy and then at the last second they would swerve away or change shots. That was the true horror of this film.

I recently saw an interview where the films of Quinten Tarantino were discussed. Tarantino apparently has a large foot fetish and includes gratuitous, lingering shots of women's feet in several of his films.  Since these shots aren't of breasts most people who don't have a thing for feet will barely notice them. So they won't offend or weird out anybody who isn't already offended by Tarantino's gratuitous violence or racially insensitive dialogue. But if you have a thing for feet (which I'm finding that a surprising number of people do - men and women) that would endear Tarantino's movies to you. It was estimated that he pulls in probably an extra 1.5 million dollars per movie just on people who know that if they see his movies they are going to get some solid foot action. So why don't more movie makers take advantage of this. I'm not saying to go overboard. I'm going to notice if you're trying to please the golden shower community. However, I feel fairly confident that you could work blood, inter-racial coupling, feet, guns, midgets, handcuffs, or mud (yes mysophilia means sexual arousal towards mud and dirt) into your script without creeping out mainstream America as long as they don't use them in an overtly sexual way. This brings me to the largest paraphilia in America which The Roommate failed to properly capitalize on: girl-on-girl.

Let it be stated here that every heterosexual man is attracted to girl-on-girl. Any guy who says that he isn't is either lying or has brainwashed himself with some heavy moralizing and actually thinks that he isn't when his body is telling him that he is. You might think that this is small-minded of me and that's fine...but girl-on-girl turns on straight men with almost no exceptions. Of the female population in the 21st Century, there are three categories. The first is made up of girls who are aroused by girl-on-girl. I'll estimate that to be at about 10%. The second is girls who are severely offended by girl-on-girl portrayals in the media. I'll estimate that to be around 15%. The other 75% know that it turns men on and that they have to live with that and will abide by it on their screens as long as their kids aren't around. My mom doesn't like it when two girls make out on screen but if she's enjoying a movie and it happens...well, she stopped changing the channel when I was 15. Most women will live with it. So play to your percentages, Hollywood. Sex sells. And you really didn't in The Roommate. The opportunities were there and you blew it. You had a 2 Girls 1 Shower situation and instead of getting soapy and horny, the only thing of note that happened was that one ripped out the other's naval ring. Which, to be fair, probably did arouse some guys with stigmatophilia. However, it almost made me vomit (which would have aroused other people with emetophilia). And let me just add that this movie also criminally underused the beautiful and talented Daneel Harris.

The second problem with this movie was that for a ridiculously unrealistic horror movie, the production value was too high. Many critics said that it was poorly-made and lacked suspense. This wasn't true. The suspense and direction was fine. They were just dealing with an unrealistic, not very punchy script that fell flat and took the viewer out of the movie too often. When you have a premise that is not very believable you have to beg for the audience's suspension of disbelief in advance. And The Roommate did not beg for my suspension of disbelief at any point. This begging should start pretty early on, usually in the film's trailer. Any movie trailer that begins with with the phrase "In a World where..." is begging for your suspension of disbelief. Sometimes it rewards you (i.e. Children of Men), and sometimes it rips you off like a big fat Ponzi scheme (i.e. The Postman). Movies that are campy, or off-kilter and let you know that they are going to be that way beforehand oftentimes get a pass with plot-holes. However, this movie asked to be taken seriously. So when non-observant characters made dumb decisions as though they were wearing blinders all movie until the convoluted ending that employed a couple ridiculous deus ex machini (is that the plural?)...it was just too much for my suspension of disbelief. Get Zombie Don La Fontaine to do the voice-over for your trailer and then I'll spot you some of your absurdities.

You also have to know what you're competing against. Your movie is going to be compared to other movies of it's ilk. If you're coming out with a war movie you had better be prepared for it to have to go toe-to-toe with Platoon, Apocalypse Now, and Saving Private Ryan. This movie knew what it was up against and it failed in surpassing similar films or even adding anything to the conversation on almost every level. This film was a rip-off of Single White Female in so many ways and that was generally accepted. However, it needed to realize what made Single White Female a success and build on that while advancing the formula for such a film. It did neither. It copied certain scenes from SWF almost ver batim. Killing your roommate's kitten instead of her puppy doesn't really count as switching up the formula. And other shockers from the original were stretched in ridiculous ways. One of the earlier creepy moments from the original is when we find out that Jennifer Jason Leigh got a haircut and dye to mimic the look of her roommate Bridget Fonda. Well, you can't really do that in this movie because you cast two girls who look remarkably similar in Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester. The only casting decision that would have made this plot device less plausible is if they cast Amy Adams and Isla Fisher (seriously...the same person). So, the only thing that they could change that was along the same lines was to have Meester's character get the same tattoo that Kelly's character has of her dead sister's name on her chest. And that just skips the whole subtly creepy thing that SWF was going for and jumps into obviously psychotic too quickly. Try the "slow burn" approach, The Roommate. It's the backbone of great film making.

The ending was also infuriating because it was predictable and ridiculous at the same time. Obviously Cam Gigandet comes to save the day at the end, but they never really address how he knew the day needed to be saved. It just seemed like dumb luck that he happened to be in the neighborhood when shit went down. I'd understand if he happened to be trying to see Sara (Minka Kelly) and just happened to show up at her dorm because she's his squeeze, but there is literally no reason for him to find his way to Irene's (Daneel Harris) apartment unless there was a deleted scene that I missed. And SWF didn't have the obvious good-looking love interest save the day. They went with the sleazier character played by Steven Tobolowsky who had tried to sexually assault Bridget Fonda earlier in the film. This role could have been filled by Sara's philandering professor (Billy Zane). Seriously, how do you have Billy Zane in a movie and use him to as little effect as The Roommate did? He's awesome and makes every movie better, so if you have a crappy movie...layer in some more Billy Zane scenes. Sara's closing line after she stabs Rebecca (Leighton Meester) with the box cutter is also pretty lame. It pales in comparison to Amanda Seyfried's classic line "This is a box cutter. It's for cutting boxes." right before she stabs Megan Fox in the vagina during Jennifer's Body. When you can't even write the best "Teen Girl Stabbing Another Psychotic Teen Girl With a Box Cutter" line of the year...it's time to pack it up and go home. This coupled with the fact that Sucker Punch wasn't really good and just ripped off Terry Gilliam's Brazil means that this is going to be a very disappointing year for sexy films.

Source Code - A Positive Review

So, I finished up work earlier today and headed over to West Hollywood to go to dinner and a movie with Rosie at The Grove. And let me tell you that Source Code is a real winner. I cannot recommend this movie highly enough. However, if you are pondering this recommendation because you haven't already seen it: STOP READING RIGHT NOW. And please proceed down to the Where Do I Go From Here? section of this blog to avoid me spoiling this movie for you.

So a few paragraphs ago I expressed my opinion that suspension of disbelief is something that a movie has to ask for in advance. Sci-fi and time travel films are somewhat exempt because you know that when you walk into one of these movies you are surrendering your adherence to a few of Newton's Laws as soon as you purchase that ticket. There are two major missteps that most time travel movies can take at this point. The first is to fall head-first into time travel paradoxes (I'll explain these at length in a post in July...but you probably are already aware of what I'm talking about.). Film makers play fast and loose with time travel and don't realize that when all of the dust settles there narrative makes no sense. Films like The Time Machine and Back to the Future were marginally successful at explaining these away by taking liberties with the rules of time travel but at least addressing them allowing audiences to enjoy the movie. The Bill and Ted movies just decided to be so campy and ridiculous that if you criticized their use of time travel...you were really missing the point. Other movies lack a coping mechanism for time travel and therefore lose the more intelligent half of their audience. The second misstep is to over-explain your time travel so that it makes perfect reasonable sense to middle-America. However, by doing this you've boxed yourself in to an explanation which while it sounds plausible, now has clearly defined holes and every physics professor in the theater starts sobbing at how you're misinforming America. Source Code fell into neither of these pratfalls. They used very light scientific explanation about human brain chemistry, afterglow, and short-term memory. They addressed the potential paradoxes and eliminated them efficiently via the multiple universe theory (Way to work in some light string theory!). And then they didn't box themselves in by never really fully explaining how the Source Code works or showing you the whole apparatus. So now with their scientific credibility intact...they just had to proceed to make a sweet film.

Because it appeared on the Hollywood Black List, I knew that Source Code was going to have a good script. The question was how the cast would mesh with that script. I think that the casting job was superb. Jake Gyllenhaal and his sister are clearly in a battle of wills to see who will be the best Gyllenhaal actor. And the competition is heating up. Jake took the early lead with the cult classic Donnie Darko and the phenomenal Brokeback Mountain. However, Maggie responded by getting frisky with Heath Ledger in her own way and joining her brother in the "I should have been in a Best Picture if the Academy had any balls" Club when she starred in The Dark Knight. However, this might put Jake back into the lead. He plays the role well, using a good deal of range to show why he is a sought after leading man for both action films and romances. The guy also has an unbelievably good track record. Some might choose to debate on films such as Prince of Persia and Love and Other Drugs, but I would like to state that I think that his only two really "bad" films are Bubble Boy (2001) and Josh and S.A.M. (1993). That's pretty good for somebody with his body of work. They also had me from Day 1 when they cast Michelle Monaghan. This former Top 5 member of the Hot 100 will get me into the theater to see literally anything that doesn't contain the words Human Centipede or Hard Candy. I would watch a three hour film of her doing the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner. And she showcases her usual charm in this film. If there's one problem with her performance, it's that she plays Christina as unrealistically perfect. Some people may have had a problem with the fact that Colter (Gyllenhaal) is besotted with her after only a few eight minute runs through the Source Code. They might find that unrealistic. However, I don't see how you couldn't be. She's the perfect girl by almost every conceivable matrix. And Vera Fermiga continues her streak of fine acting. She now has at least five great films to her name and has showed me her very nice breasts in over half a dozen films. So it's only fair that I stop confusing her with Famke Janssen who hasn't done anything for me since the X-Men movies and only showed me her breasts briefly in one episode of Nip/Tuck. No word yet on whether I'll stop confusing Michael Keaton/Kevin Bacon, Amy Adams/Isla Fisher, Jamie Lee Curtis/ Sigourney Weaver, and Renee Zellweger/Mickey Rourke.

I'm not really going to re-cap the premise here because if you're reading this you've seen the movie. Because clearly I told anybody who hasn't seen it to skip this section. Despite the fact that this was a great movie, I still have a few comments about questionable plot points. I just can't enjoy nice things! (Ask Mike and Ike Red Rageous about that...more on that in a later post.) First, I'd like to know why they were so sure that the bomber was one of the passengers on the train with Sean Fentress. They seem to know very little about the bomber. They don't know where the bomb is on the train, they don't know what the motive is, and they don't know where the next target is. However, they seem to be betting all of their chips on the bomber being a passenger on that train. I realize that the bomber had to be on the train at some point to plant the bomb and that they thought the bomber was close enough to the explosion to time it for when the train was passing another train. But if I was placing a bomb on a train...I like to think that I'd get off more than one stop in advance of the bomb actually detonating. Shit could go haywire. Also, how did they know that Sean Fentress wasn't the bomber? It's going to be pretty hard to find the bomber through investigation if your host body is the bomber and the bombs are simply set to timers. When I was trying to anticipate the twist ahead of time I thought that Sean may have been the bomber.

I also was a little confused with the whole present reality time vs. Source Code time throughout the movie. Goodwin and Rutledge were getting very perturbed with Colter when he would ask questions claiming that he was wasting time when he needed to be going back into the Source Code to find the bomber. However, when he complained that there were over 100 suspects on the train, Rutledge told him that he could eliminate suspects 1 by 1 if he needed to. This led me to believe that his 8 minutes in The Source Code must be only a few seconds in the current reality...since clearly they were acting as though there weren't 800 minutes to stop the next bombing or evacuate Chicago. However, during Colter's final trip into The Source Code we can clearly see that there is an analog timer with 8 minutes on it counting down the time until the train is set to blow up. This means that eight minutes in the Source Code is equal to eight minutes in present reality. So Rutledge is basically just being a whiny bitch when he chides Colter for trying to get a little background information in present time.

And while I applaud them for fully addressing the neglected aspects of the multiple universes theory, they did leave out one important revelation when it comes to his host. I was worried when Colter went back into the Source Code for the final time that he was going to somehow save Christina from the train explosion and save himself from his helicopter accident and everything would be honky-dory. And I knew that to do this he was going to have to invoke some convoluted deus ex machina which would completely rupture the well-established rules of the Source Code. It turns out that my fears were unwarranted and he realized that this was futile. He basically said the following: "Fuck present time Christina and all of those people on the train. And fuck present time Colter Stevens and his dismembered torso. I fell in love with Source Code Christina so I'm going to spin off my consciousness into that new reality and live happily there. I realize that hundreds of people will still be dead and thousands will still be suffering in my original timeline...but I don't really care about that anymore because they're not my problem. My consciousness is in a happier place." And isn't that what multiple realities time travel is all about?

However, they never really addressed what happened to Sean Fentress's consciousness in the Source Code reality. I didn't feel that bad for him when I thought that it was just an afterglow of the current reality because his alternative was that he was already dead. However, once we established that you can spin off an alternate reality through the Source Code...you realize that Sean really gets the short end of the stick. His consciousness/soul either was a) completely obliterated, b) died and went onto the afterlife, or c) was trapped in a body that was hosting Colter and was forced to live as a back-burner consciousness with no control over his speech or movements for the rest of his life. All of those kind of suck. But at least if he's rocking option C, he'll probably get to see Michelle Monaghan naked on a regular basis. So...whatever. Worth It!

I also want to pat Source Code on the back for a very crafty cameo which absolved them of any sort of creative rip-off accusations while failing to take anybody out of the movie except for me and a couple hundred other super-nerds. There was no question that the plot for this movie borrowed heavily on the physics of a little show called Quantum Leap. Every super nerd in the theater knows this and some of them are probably a little miffed that this has not been acknowledged and will not be appreciated by the movie-going public. So when Colter calls his dad within the Source Code...who is the voice on the other end of the phone? None other than Quantum Leap star Scott Bakula! The man who played Sam Beckett for all of Quantum Leap's five seasons. Nice shout out, Source Code.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I'm very much excited for some future blog posts that I have coming up. I've already got some fun ones planned well into the fall, along with some format changes that I think will spice up the blog. However, I'll just clue you in on some of 7 the upcoming posts that will arrive during May, June, and July.

The Ray Way: Weddings - Ray will tackle how he would like to do his wedding
Mr. Fix-It: Economic Whoas!  - Ray will discuss his plan for fixing the economy
No Man's Land: Questions with No Consensus - Ray will discuss hot button issues that people are deeply divided on
HBE Confidential - Ray will perform a PI-style noir-themed investigation into seedy subject matter
The Season of Getting - On Ray's half birthday, he'll give out ideas for those who think he's hard to shop for
Better Know a Ray's Friend: Matt Burrows - Stephen Colbert will sit down with Matt Burrows for a one-on-one interview
Guest Blogger: Chris Swietlik of Notes From the Narrator - My friend Chris Swietlik will lend his services to this blog (hopefully exclusive content)

Thanks for reading. See you next time.