The Lush Life Chronicles - - Volume 10: The Mystique

I've made prior mention on this blog that a healthy dose of mystery can improve one's life and standing greatly, but I'm not yet sure that you believe me. There is nothing that draws people to you like moths to a flame more so than intrigue. The Paparazzi isn't exactly knocking down Emilio Estevez's doors to ask for an interview and if they are it's to talk about Charlie Sheen. That's because we assume that with Emilio...what we see is what we get. With Charlie Sheen we have no clue what we're going to get, but we want to know what being a warlock assassin entails. Now I respect Emilio a hell of a lot more than I respect Charlie, but I'd probably have to pick Charlie to interview if given the choice based solely on the fact that I'd get more hits by interviewing somebody with 4.3 million Twitter followers than by interviewing somebody with only 75,000. Plus I feel that questions about porn star menages and snorting 7g rocks will yield more interesting stories than reminiscences on playing Gordon Bombay, working with John Hughes, and your new career as a semi-successful vintner. Much like nature vs. nurture, mind vs. matter, and Brown vs. The Board of Education...quantity vs. quality is a raging debate. Most people will tell you that they'll take quality over quantity...but societally that's not what shines through. We don't care about the quality of character...we want quantity. When somebody is interesting we have to consume that interest. And when they stop giving us interest to consume we can either forget about them, fabricate interest, or delve deeper into the past interest that they have generated.

However, Charlie Sheen's star will burn out temporarily because he's being forced to generate interest himself and he really is leaving nothing to our imaginations. His candor makes for great television, but pretty soon we're not going to be left with any questions. He is almost out of intrigue. He's got being interesting down to a science, but that's not enough. You also have to leave us wondering. Take for example, Lady Gaga. Despite the fact that she is tremendously over-exposed in every sense of the word, how much do we really know about her? Not much. What we know barely scratches the surface of what we assume there is to know. We've heard Lady Gaga's opinions on so many things, but what about Stefani Germanotta's? We don't know who this woman is underneath what we are allowed to see. She gives us a lot but really tells us nothing. This is why she is the poster girl for The Mystique. The Mystique is about being secretive. It's about being dark and intriguing and leaving everybody you meet wondering about you and wanting more.

This is never more apparent than it is when courting a lady...or a dude. Let it be said for the record that almost everybody has a case of what I like to call Disney Princess Syndrome. We have it to varying degrees, but we all have it. I've got the worst case of almost anybody that I know. Disney Princess Syndrome is the unshakable feeling that your current state of affairs is numbingly boring and that you need to go forth towards adventure in strange places which are calling you by name. And much like people who possess The Big Fish, people who possess The Mystique almost always bring with them the promise of a cure for this affliction. We've always known that many women love themselves a bad boy. And it's not because they like his confidence or because they want to reform him like many quack analysts have told you. It's because bad boys, by their very nature, have the ability to shuck predictability. It's almost the exact opposite of what Jack Sparrow would have you believe at the climax of the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Good guys can more or less be counted on to do the right thing. That's part of being a good guy...you're predictable and we know where we stand with you. Bad boys are more complicated. They can't always be counted do the wrong thing. It doesn't work like that. But they can often be counted on to do what is in their own self-interest. Sometimes that's good and sometimes that's bad and sometimes it's just intriguing and this is where there unpredictability comes from. And both women and men associate unpredictability in their potential mates with adventure.

This doesn't mean that you have to be a prick to have The Mystique. Quite the contrary, mystery comes in many forms. The Mystique is often seen in people who are described as "cloak and dagger". But all The Mystique really needs is the cloak. There doesn't need to be a dagger. People just need to see the cloak that may be hiding a dagger. Being a nice guy can carry with it The Mystique. The trick to building up The Mystique through acts of decency is making people think that you have some ulterior motive when you really don't. The Mystique actually works best with mysterious benevolence. Unpredictability and approachability are two things that don't often go hand and hand within a person, but when they do a cult of personality is born. Mystery creates for a tidal wave of human interest. And this is what I want for myself. Mystery. Intrigue. People say that they want openness and honesty in their relationships, but do they really? They certainly don't want you to lie to them. But they don't want you to tell them everything about yourself either. You have to parcel it out and leave some surprises for later. Just try to make the later surprises good surprises. Better to have those surprises be that they've known you for eight years but they never knew that you spoke Portuguese than they've known you for eight years but they never knew that you had herpes.

The basic agenda in attaining this pillar is that you should live your life in a way that would make for an extremely enlightening E! True Hollywood Story once your deceased. Do you really need to see an E! True Hollywood Story on Brad Pitt and Anjolina Jolie? Sure there would be intrigue but we've seen most of the tawdriness play out in the tabloids. What you really want to see is dark seedy underbelly of Reese Witherspoon's life...assuming that there is one? Is America's Sweetheart's life really all that it appears? Or is it more than it appears? The most interesting people are the ones that appear to be the most normal on the outside but are secretly hiding The Mystique. Check into the lives of Fred Rogers or Pat Morita and you'll see what I'm talking about. Much like The Big Fish before it, The Mystique doubles as a call to action. It's an invitation to a certain kind of lifestyle. It's not about making women (or men) think that your James (or Jane) Bond. It's about actually being Mr. or Mrs. Bond. Don't just play mysterious...be mysterious. And don't just be unpredictable for other people. Be unpredictable to yourself. Surprise yourself. Wake up one morning and just do something unexpected and in the moment with your day. Don't pre-plan it. Just open up the morning paper for inspiration and live a little. Though I should probably recommend staying away from the obituaries and police blotter for inspiration.

Even if you think that characters like Charlie Sheen or Lindsey Lohan are unpredictable (despite the fact I imagine that I know what each of them are up to right now), they still aren't even close to The Mystique. Unpredictability and spontaneity are cornerstones of The Mystique, but at the top of that pyramid is control. You have to be able to maintain an air of control around you because while all secrets are mysterious, not all secrets are interesting. You want people to wonder about you, and when they wonder you want them to wonder what you know that they don't. How do you have it all figured out? They should be trying to figure out the secret to your success...not the secret to your failure. So while The Mystique is about not living such a vanilla life it's also about not living a rat poison life. You should be hard to put your finger on, but in that respect be more Carmen San Diego than Where's Waldo. By that I mean be elusive, not lost in your own confusion. Suave isn't necessarily a requirement of The Mystique but the two go together pretty damn well. The Mystique is a particularly challenging pillar to attain because it's less stable than others like The Clark or The Hobby. The more you open up to people, the more they're going to think that they have you figured out. So you have to keep changing things up and introducing liquidity into your lifestyle. It's tough, but worth it. It ensures that you don't become stale or obsolete, but it also means that you don't get to relax. But that's why life is for living...relax when you're dead.

The Season of Getting

For anybody who is not familiar with me (or for any friends that don't know when my birthday is), I was born right before Christmas. I'm going to go ahead and highly advise against having your birthday near Christmas. It constantly gets lost in the shuffle of things. I'm sure that many of you out there have had hectic things going on around your birthday and had other people totally forget that it is your birthday. However, I severely doubt that any of you have gone almost your entire birthday without knowing that it was your birthday yourself. It happened to me. Most people will tell you the worst part of it is that all of the gift-givers in your life see it as a means to give a single birthday/Christmas gift rather than the two that you would receive if you were born in July. This is not a problem for me because I rarely if ever know what I want for Christmas/my birthday anyway. I complain that certain people in my life are hard to shop for, but the truth is that I am hard to shop for. And by the time that Christmas season comes around I am always too busy and strung out to come up with a list for the relatives and close friends. So I have taken advantage of today, my half birthday, to provide a list of 20 ideal gifts to get me when the season is appropriate. I have itemized them from the least expensive to the most expensive.

Follow this Blog - $0.00

This is all I really want. You can skip all of the pomp and circumstance of gift-giving and just take five minutes out of your day to log in to Blogger and follow this blog. If you want to tack on something extra special then you could always actually read the blog on occasion and maybe even comment on posts if you're feeling in a conversant mood.

Homemade Coupon Book for Gifts and Services - $0.50

This was/maybe still is the go-to gift for young kids who had no money. When Mother's Day or Father's Day would roll around you could just throw together a coupon book of all of the nice things that you would do for the person. I feel that it also has a place outside of childhood gift-giving (e.g. Coupon for one free massage, Coupon for one load of laundry, etc.). I assure you that if you give me one of these it will be the worst decision that you ever make. I will use them at the most comically inopportune time. Right when you are full of righteous fury and are in the middle of screaming at me I will bust out the "One Free Hug" coupon and BOOM!...you're momentum is gone. Perhaps try a sensual coupon book. This isn't just from my female friends it could be unisex and would include at least the following three items:

• Axe Commerical "Hair Action" - It doesn't matter if the giver is male or female I just want somebody to run their fingers through my hair for minutes on end to make me feel like it is light and feathery and that I am a beautiful person.
• A Hot Stone Massage - Once again I don't really care if the giver is male or female. Anybody who wants to is welcome to place warm stones on my bare back and massage out my tight muscles with scented oils. 
• Fulfill a Top Sexual Fantasy of Mine - It is physically impossible for a male to perform this one but I have no problem with a coupon being outsourced once it is presented. Outsourcing work is The American Way. While I do support homosexuality...I have no overt desire for sexual contact with other men. That being said, if my hypothetical girlfriend and Anna Kournikova agreed to have sex with me on the grounds that Enrique participate as well...I am not going to let his presence in any way detract from my enjoyment at the comfort of his lady's glistening, ample bosom or the comfort of his 8 bajillion thread-count Egyptian linens. Bailomos!

Raven's Revenge - $1.49

I think that people who live in certain parts of the country might not even know what this is. And anybody who was born after 1993 almost certainly has no recollection of this. But I assure that I remember Raven's Revenge...and it was glorious. Sure it died your tongue colors that wouldn't change back for a week and it was packaged to make your teachers think that they had classes full of Third Grade drug mules, but that was all part of the allure. And now they don't even make it any more. But there have to be spare vials out there. And sugar doesn't really go bad, does it? I know that honey never goes bad and kind of think that this applies to all sweeteners. I'm sure that I'm wrong, but I'll risk it. I know that the Raven's Revenge tablets have to be processed enough that they are definitely impervious to spoilage. So, I'll take those if you have them. The major problem with Raven's Revenge is that it disappeared almost overnight leaving this void in our lives without ever really saying goodbye. At least 4Loko let people know that it was leaving. I have a friend who went down to Kentucky and bought 180 cases of the stuff to get him through the next couple of years. And I think there might even be a few states that still allow you to but the original formula. Anyway, I needs me some Raven's Revenge. Electric Blueberry, Suicide Punch, Black n' Blue, Black Widow...I don't care. I'll take any flavor. I really want to try another Raven's Revenge milkshake.

Uni-ball Vision Pens - $5.79 

Whoever said that all pens were created equal was an asshole. So, I guess it's a good thing that I don't think anybody ever said that. Uni-ball Vision pens are the finest pen on the market. The way they smoothly glide across the paper dispensing just the proper amount of ink as determined by their wielders slightest calibrations is a thing of beauty. I do a lot of writing (hell, sometimes I'll write these blog posts out in longhand before I type them up) and I prefer to do so with the proper tools. They come in a variety of sweet colors and they cost less than a dollar a pop. I've been given sweet silver, engraved pens that cost eighty bucks and can't write worth shit. I'd much rather have a quality pen like the Uni-ball Vision. They also have a detachable little plastic piece on the top of their cap that I like to remove and and replace with my teeth and chew on while I'm writing. It helps me think. So a pack of these will always be greatly appreciated.  

S'more's Kit - $6.89

Who doesn't love S'mores? Nobody. That's who. And now you can have all of the deliciousness of s'mores in one box. This is a huge help to people who could never remember all of the ingredients that made up the recipe. S'mores might be God's perfect dessert, but I still don't think that they've reached their full potential. There is plenty of room for ingenuity and I think that I am the culinary master who is going to drag the the S'more towards it's full potential. I will be the Michelle Pfeiffer to it's angry black teenager. But if I'm to conduct my culinary experiments, I'll need some supplies. I have already helped pioneer the Twix S'more and the Deconstructed S'more but there is so much more that I can do. This box is the easiest and probably cheapest way to get all of these ingredients in one place. However, it does take some of the fun out of buying them. One of my favorite things to do at a supermarket is to purchase all three ingredients for S'mores and then when the cashier asks about S'mores...I respond "What's a S'more?" as seriously as I possibly can? The reactions are varied but priceless as some of them actually try to wrap there heads around whether you could seriously not know what a S'more is and what the theoretical odds of you not knowing and still purchasing graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows are? Not knowing what a S'more is cannot be considered socially acceptable? Much like Smalls in the Sandlot you are to be mercilessly mocked for your lack of knowledge. The S'more is too delicious to not command your full attention. If you don't believe me just look at the comments section of any picture of a delicious S'more on the internet. And then tell me that if you hadn't seen the picture before the comments you wouldn't have thought that it was a naked woman with all of the users talking about their erections. And if you want to throw in a creme brulee torch with this gift...I won't stop you.

Cedar Creek Wine - $8.50

I know that I live but a few measly hours from the wine-producing capital of the country, but for my money you will not find a better wine than a nice bottle from Cedar Creek Winery in Cedarburg, WI. For those of you that are familiar with the title card that I use for The Lush Life Chronicles, that picture is taken from the tasting room at Cedar Creek Winery. The people at Cedar Creek make some delicious award-winning wine. Just take a look at the bottles that they keep on display with the medals that each bottle has one hanging off of them and you'll wonder how their Reisling and Syrah can even stand upright without buckling under the weight of all that gold and silver. However, I know that as an amateur wine drinker most of the super-snooty that make up the wine elite would scoff at a Wisconsin wine as a great wine. I'm not naive enough to believe that an $8.50 bottle of wine is the best in the world, country, or even the state. However, alcohol enjoyment for me is heavily a mental exercise. My perception of a beverage is based largely on my memories of past positive or negative experiences while drinking said beverage. I'm sure that big name light beers are all pretty similar and that if you asked me to blind taste test 8-10 major ones I would do less than admirably with identification. But I've spent too many nights drinking Coors Light that ended in total exhausted satisfaction and too many drinking Bud Light that ended with sobbing in the shower to not have that affect my taste perception when the label is on the bottle. And no alcohol has given me better times than Cedarburg Wine. They ship to California and I spend all summer enjoying their Strawberry Blush and all winter enjoying their Christmas White. Their Cedarburg Spice makes a wicked sangria and I'm pretty sure that I could kill a six bottle case of their Waterfall Reisling in one sitting.

Mix CD - $12.88 

The Mixed Tape or Mixed CD is a gift from a simpler time. This was a time before .mp3 and completely digital media. It was a gift employed by artsy guys who were naive enough to think that the girls that they liked valued "the thought" and sweat equity over a gift that showed financial girth and commitment. Well I do value sweat equity over money. I just want to know that you give a damn and I will gladly take a carefully crafted CD. However, I don't want you to use it as an excuse to try to convert me over to your crappy musical tastes. I want a CD that has some purpose. Whenever I'm in a mood I like to go driving and put in a CD that takes my mood where I want it to go...sometimes that mood is a better one and sometimes I just want to wallow. Well, if I ever need to be in a good mood I will need this CD. It's by an artist on named Terry Prince who occasionally hawks his wares on the Santa Monica pier. He sings exclusively about enjoying life, using your imagination, rainbows, and babies. However, sometimes I don't want to feel better. Sometimes I like to let myself sink into sadness. I can do some productive thinking that way. So to channel my emotions I'd like a CD filled with many of the songs that evoke sadness, regret, and disappointment. It's not just for emo kids and looks something like this:

1. Hurt by Johnny Cash
2. Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.
3. You Were Meant for Me by Jewel
4. November Rain by Guns N Roses
5. My Fault by Eminem
6. The Freshman by The Verve Pipe
7. Better in Time by Leona Lewis
8. Tracks of My Tears by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
9. Kristy, Are You Doing Okay? by The Offspring
10. Family Portrait by Pink
11. Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin
12. Tears in Heaven by

Please note that 12 is the perfect number of songs to have on a CD. Don't mess with a good thing people. And this mix has a certain flow to it. We get it started with The Hammer of Sadness: Johnny Cash to let you know that we're serious. (Side note: The Walk the Line drinking game might be the most depressing thing ever.) Then we gradually build the sadness by transitioning to love problems, survivor's guilt, deep-seeded family issues, and into death of a child. It's a slow burn that starts strong and that is followed by a steady build. This is my "productive thinking" sadness CD. It's the music equivalent of watching Requiem for a Dream, Shutter Island, and A Simple Plan back-to-back-to-back. I don't claim it to be the saddest CD that can be made. For that I would watch movies where a person puts on a record before they go hang themselves and just burn that into a CD. I feel like that CD would have a lot of Skeeter Davis on it.

Xavier Wallet or Moneyclip - $19.99

Many people know that when I pull money out of my pocket to pay for the check at dinner, I am just pulling out loose money. I don't own a wallet and haven't for quite some time. I'm constantly losing things and a wallet isn't going to make me lose things any less. It's just going to congregate things so that I can lose them all at once. I do realize though that I am a man and that a real man needs to have a wallet if he is to be taken seriously by other real men in American society. So, I'll cave and allow myself to have one. That's not to say that I'm going to buy one. That just seems dumb. This is going to be something that would almost have to be a gift for me to possess. My mind has difficulty wrapping itself around the practicality of buying something with money that's purpose is for you to put money into. And I could never have an expensive wallet. There is a rule of common sense that you should never have a wallet that costs more than the amount of money inside of it on the average day. A wallet is expression of self and therefore when you pull out a wallet it should tell the people with you as much about yourself as the business cards inside of it...if not more. And that's why I want a wallet from the Xavier bookstore. I need to let the godless commies that I entertain myself with on a nightly basis know where my priorities lie and where I come from. Go X!

Cheesecake Factory Oreo Cheesecake - $25.95 / 46.95 

The price differential on this item stems from whether or not you want to buy me the 7" cheesecake or the 10" cheesecake. Buying the smaller one won't be interpreted as you loving me any less. It will just be interpreted as concern for my health because everybody knows that either cake will be completely gone within 48 hours. Formerly Better Known Ray Friend and elitist West Coast prick Matt Burrows has often stated that my status as a Midwesterner leads to my love of chain restaurants. However, there's no arguing that chain restaurants are chains because they do something right. And The Cheesecake Factory does cheesecake better than anybody. The Oreo cheesecake is my go to but I certainly wouldn't turn down a nice Raspberry Swirl or Red Velvet.

Disc Golf Bag Set - $54.95

La Canada, California is not the most happening of places and has relatively few claims to fame...hence it's lack of fame. It's biggest is probably that it is the headquarters of NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. However, only a few hundred yards from the entrance to JPL is the world's first ever Disc Golf Course. I've played this course many a time with my measly one frisbee that I take out there and a couple times have had to stop play and go home because the frisbee became hopelessly lost or went into the irretrievable gorge. Much like in golf with balls, frisbees in disc golf are apparently expendable. And I actually envy the hipsters who have their classy saddle bags with dozens of frisbees that are designed for distance, accuracy, specific flight patterns, and all variables in between. I'm not supposed to envy hipsters. It feels so wrong...so tawdry. So to stop envying them and their sweet-ass Disc Golf bags with everything from a Frisbee sand wedge to a frisbee Big Bertha, I'm going to have to get one.

Custom Bobblehead - $79.99

I fancy myself a collector of things. I'm also very disappointed in myself for "fancying" myself anything. But I've had many impressive collections in my day. I'm still hoping that my basketball card collection is worth as much as the Beckett manual claims it is...though Grant Hill's career arc has hurt me financially. I should have sold that Rockstar Refractor card of him back in 1999. However, one thing that I've always wanted to start collecting is Bobblehead figurines. I've just never been able to pull the trigger. My mentor Jim Miller collected them. They seem cool and fun. And I myself own a few...but I wouldn't call it a collection. The easiest way to obtain bobbleheads is to go a sporting event where they are distributing them as door prizes. And while nothing "free stuff", they are normally only giving away bobbleheads of players for the team. Unless you go to some innovative minor league baseball give-away, it's likely that your entire bobblehead collection will consist of athletes. And what fun is that. Other people can bobble their heads. Which is why I'm seriously jonesing for a sweet personalized bobblehead from custombobbleheads.com. They'll make a bobblehead out of anything and here is who is at the top of my wishlist:

• Milwaukee Brewers Bratwurst - It's still a sports-themed bobblehead, but it's awesome. It also holds special significance to me because I have been inside the Brewers bratwurst costume. The last time I did so Andrew Bray (Italian sausage) and myself (Bratwurst) were at the Cedarburg 4th of July pancake brunch. People tend to be a little unnerved when their sausage is served to them by giant anthropomorphized sausages. Is that promoting cannibalism?
• Kevin Sorbo Bobblepecks - I'm sure some tawdry place already did a bobblebreasts doll at some point. I really can't see that there would be physical limitations to you bobbling anything. However, the Sorbs certainly needs a bobblehead of sorts but I think that the bobble part should highlight his Adonis-like man physique. The only question is do I want Hercules Sorbo, Andromeda Sorbo, The O.C. Sorbo, or Walking Tall 2 and 3 Sorbo?
• Tim Curry - Tim Curry to me would make the perfect bobblehead. He has the eerie smile that can't help but startle you. I'd like to have him on my desk so that if I ever go into work zombie mode I can glance over at it and get shocked back to reality. Once again there is the question of whether to go with Muppet Treasure Island Tim Curry, Clue Tim Curry, or Home Alone 2 Tim Curry. I'm not much of a fan of the Rocky Horror Picture show. Then I thought that I should get bobbleheads of him and Sorbo as their guest characters on Psych and just start a collection of those with John Cena, Ray Wise, Jeff Fahey, Ashley Williams and Cary Elwes to follow.
• Boris Spassky - I know that some of you are thinking that this is blasphemy as he was a major propaganda tool in Soviet superiority during the Cold War, but I'm not getting a Bobby Fischer bobblehead because I don't want an Anti-Semetic bobblehead. However, the major knock on bobbleheads is that they don't serve any purpose but to sit there and bobble their heads. But imagine what will happen when I make a chess set that utilizes bobbleheads. Epic! Here is my plan: Kings will be Chess Grandmasters (Boris Spassky and either Garry Kasparov or Emanuel Lasker), Queens will be Femme Fatales (Mata Hari and Lucrenzia Borgia), Bishops will be actual clergy (Pope Leo IX and Michael I...so we can settle that Great Schism once and for all on the field of battle, as well as Fr. Damian Karras and Fr. Michael Graham), Knights will be actual knights (David Beckham, Michael Caine, Elton John, and Anthony Hopkins), Rooks will be WWE Wrestlers...just because (HHH, The Miz, The Undertaker, and Edge), and pawns will be Real World cast members (Puck from San Francisco, Jacinda from London, Genesis from Boston, Steven from Seattle, Ruthie from Hawaii, Coral from Back to New York, Tonya from Chicago, Trishelle from Las Vegas, CT from Paris, Robin from San Diego, Wes from Austin, Johnny from Key West, Jenn from Denver, Kelly Anne from Sydney, Greg from Hollywood, and Emily from Washington DC). And of course whoever has The Miz as a rook will have an advantage because their opponent could confuse him for a pawn.
• Dick Chaney in a Hawaiian Shirt with a Dacquiri - I'm a fan of abstract art and this would make just about as little sense as anything that Dahli ever painted. I think that the sheer lunacy of it would make for a great absurdist piece to have on my desk top. However, it might take a while to ship to me because the bobblehead maker might keep looking at it thinking that something isn't right and re-consulting my order.
• Stephen Hawking - I want to have a bobblehead that people will think is offensive but will have absolutely no lucidly explainable reason why it's offensive. Are you saying that I can't have a bobblehead of a renowned theoretical physicist just because he has a handicap? Shame on you!
• Daniel Plainview with Milkshake in Hand - Just to make me laugh. Preferably the straw would be comically large.
• The paintball girl on the logo for this blog - I also plan to actively go back and get one of the bird that was the 2010 logo and of the three people who will comprise the 2012 logo...but you'll just have to wait to here what those are.

Cooking Class - $95.00

While I'm still not quite done "fancying" myself certain things, I'll also "fancy" myself a good cook. OK. Now I'm done. However, I'm not nearly as a good a cook as people have been telling me that I am. I'm still very much an amateur in terms of cooking knowledge and technique. I just try and make up for it with enthusiasm and creativity. And unlike in most of life that actually seems to work in cooking. Let's hope that goes for love making as well. Cooking relaxes me. If I'm riled up what I really need to calm my nerves are some sharp knives, some fresh vegetables, oil, a lean protein, and a fully-loaded spice rack. But to up my game from cooking padawan to cooking jedi master, I will need some training. And I think that I'd like to try some classes at EATZ LA. They offer a variety of classes from ones that I'd love to take (i.e. Island Fever, Greece is the Word, A Flight to India) and some that are less my style (i.e. Stunning Salads, Light and Healthy Eatz, and Tapas: The Darling Little Dishes of Spain). And remember if you're selecting a class for me to take: this is an investment. You're not just buying me a lesson in fine cooking...you're investing in delicious future meals for yourself.

Kindle - $114.00

Now that we've crossed the $100 threshold there is really no reason that you should get me a gift this expensive unless I've saved your life or your marriage. But who am I to stop you if you see the need to? I'm what we call a late adapter. I have never had an iPod, my cell phone is from 1997, and to save my DVD collection I'm doing everything in my power to pretend that Blu-Ray doesn't exist. But I know the future when I see it and the Kindle is the future. It's just a future that is too expensive for me to justify jumping into. I always told myself that I would get a Kindle when they dipped down to $75 and when that happens I will certainly pull the trigger. It's not that I don't enjoy paper books. And paper books don't need to worry. They will always have their place. They aren't going to become the VHS tapes (please don't let this analogy become DVD) of the literary world. Books never run out of batteries, last I checked. But the Kindle is a snappy little machine that will allow me to travel with thousands of books in my carry-on bag. And I love to read. I wouldn't "fancy" myself a reader because I stopped doing that about two paragraphs ago, but reading is definitely a hobby of mine. This is why I must be firm in that what I want is a Kindle. Not an iPad and not a Nook. Both of those devices are equipped with Angry Birds and that will surely distract somebody of my level of will power from his reading. However, I think I'll need to get one fairly quickly because I'm going to want to read 1Q84 when it's translated into English in October and if it's anything close to as long as The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles then the dead tree version is going to give me quite a sore back.

GPS Reciever $129.00

The reason that it's hard for me to come up with good ideas for Ray's Contrarian Opinions is that people seldom come to a consensus on things these days. I can't have contrarian opinions that often because there are very few things to be contrarian to. People don't universally agree on just about anything. I've met people who hate bacon. Bacon! And these are real people, not members of PETA. One thing that I think that just about everybody can agree is pretty cool though is hidden treasure. Finding valuable items is definitely a plus. It's what leads idiots to believe that they can salvage a lame story with the unexpected finding of $5. This love of hidden treasure is why I think that I could love to be a geocacher. I already love nature. I go hiking and camping on a more regular basis than most people who live in LA. I value the delightful bounties that caches provide. The last time I geocached I took home a Phoenix Suns shot glass. I just don't have the proper equipment to geocache with the best of them. When I go geocaching I rely on my keen instincts and the fact that my instincts are not always that keen often leads to disappointment. This is why I need a nifty GPS receiver so that I can simply type in coordinates and hike my way to treasure and glory.

IKEA Bookcase with Glass Doors - $180.00

I recently completed a cross-country move from Cincinnati to Los Angeles and aside from the computer that I am currently typing this post on, my prized possession did not come with me. Back when I lived with Nick Rosati, I decided to spruce up our apartment at the wonder Mecca that is IKEA. So Erin Swietlik and I made a journey up I-75 to West Chester and I purchased many wonderful Swedish treasures. The sweetest of these was a Billy Jader bookcase with glass doors and a trippy black and white stenciled design. When I moved I left it in the custody of my last roommate Jami Haring. And I thought that when I got an apartment out here in Los Angeles that I would just buy another one. However, much to my shock I have found that this was a limited edition bookcase and that it is no longer sold. It was a special that ran for a brief time in 2009 when I happened to be in the market for a bookcase. However, I'm less disappointed than you would think. You see the Billy bookcase design is still available. I can still get a bookcase of almost the exact same size and design. It's just the Billy Jader graffiti design that is no longer available. I'd have to settle for a solid black or white. And while we all know that I don't want a boring bookcase, there is a great thing about white bookcases...they are very easy to draw/paint on. The Billy Jader graffiti design was great but I don't know that it totally expressed me. But do you know who is great at expressing me? Me! I will take this blank white bookcase and make a project out of it. I will cover it in art to suit my personality and it will become better than the old one while maintaining all of the functionality. I know that you might think that it's ridiculous to ask for a bookcase after I just asked for a Kindle, but I still value my paper books and never plan to stop buying them. And my last bookcase will tell you that I only use three rows for books. I need to save plenty of space for my Cedar Creek Wine, Veronica Mars DVDs, and extensive Trivial Pursuit collection.

Personal Assistant - $250.00

This was the hardest item to appraise but this is what I calculate that it would cost to hire a full competent, almost totally-obedient personal assistant for a day. And if this is the case, may I just say: "Worth it!". Let me explain why with a stupid tangent about the rising cost of movie tickets. There is a theater in Pasadena that sells tickets to films for around $25. This is obviously a stupid ridiculous price even though they offer reclining leather seats, gourmet popcorn, and sell wine. However, it becomes more understandable when you hear that your seat has a call button affixed to it that rings an attendant to come and see to your needs. $25 is way too expensive for a movie ticket, but it's a small price to pay to make somebody your bitch for two hours. And we all now how highly I value my sweat equity. I would gladly pay somebody to do things for me. You'll often hear about all of the ridiculous indignities that celebrities make their entourages perform. Allegedly a member of Christina Aguilera's has to hold her drink for her and hold the straw to her lips for her. No word on whether she has to actively massage her diaphragm to make her lungs suck in the liquid. This sounds totally ridiculous. And it is. But only because she has people do this for her every day. If you told me that I had people who would do anything for me for only one day...I would work that shit like nobody's business. They would be doing all sorts of stupid and potentially degrading stuff. This is all I really want.

LA Galaxy Season Tickets - $325.00 

I have always wanted to be a season ticket holder. I had big dreams of being a Xavier season ticket holder, but moved away before I entered the phase of my life where I can afford them. The sad part about that is that Xavier season tickets are a ridiculous steal. I don't want any super expensive smarmy season tickets that will force me to regularly associate with upper-class low-lifes so the Lakers are certainly out. I will feel a need to use my season tickets and have little desire to drag my ass to 81 mostly meaningless games a year so the Dodgers are out. Somehow the second largest market in the country hasn't been deigned worthy of a football team, so the NFL is out. This basically leaves the Clippers, the Kings, Chivas USA and the Galaxy as far as pro sports teams in LA County are concerned. If you counter with the Sparks, the Reign, or the 66ers...you're welcome to leave. I would gladly accept any season tickets, but of the above Chivas USA is less than preferable because their fan base would probably be unwilling to accept me and my pale ass. The Kings are also less desired because while I love going to hockey games, I care more about the McFlurry Minute than I do the Kings actually winning. And between the Clippers and the Galaxy...the Galaxy cost a lot less for a higher winning percentage. I also want to see David Beckham work his stuff and possibly meet a Spice Girl and that just seems like it has a better chance of happening at a Galaxy game...though I hear that Sporty Spice is a big Blake Griffin fan.

Paintball Gun with Attache Case - $347.50

It seems like with advances in technology that the metal briefcase that gets handcuffed to the guy's wrist for protection has all but disappeared. Well, I'm going to bring it back just like I did with Pogs, sexy, and Mickey Rourke's career. I've always wanted to walk around with a metal attache case handcuffed to my wrist to add to my intrigue. So that's two thirds of the gift right there: 1. sleek, sweet-ass metal attache case, 2. real handcuffs...not sex shop handcuffs. The third part of the gift is what's going inside the case. And that would be a paintball gun. Not a semi-automatic combat league paintball gun. I want a small pistol gun that uses a paintball clip and looks as close to a real gun as they will legally sell. Because if you're going to have a metal attache case handcuffed to your wrist you had better have something interesting in it. I'll carry it around when I'm with friends to entice their interest until they can't stand it anymore. They'll ask what is in it but I'll refuse to tell them. When friends demand to see what's in the case I will open it for them, take out the gun, and then cap them right in the knee. They'll be so scared, pissed, confused, etc. that they'll totally forget that what I had in the case wasn't as interesting as they'd hoped it would be. I've somewhat spoiled this epic prank by posting it here, which ensures that I will only use this prank on friends who don't read this blog and won't see it coming. Serves them right.

Weekend at The Mirage - $378.00

I have a confession to make. I have not been to Vegas since I turned 21. I know that this is socially unacceptable and believe me when I say that nobody is more disappointed in me than I am in myself. The truth is that I would wreck Vegas. It has seen many types of people, but I don't know that it's ever seen a Ray O'Brien. It's seen many random, drunken acts of debauchery and is more than ready for all of those. But can it handle my deliberate, sober brand of debauchery. I wouldn't do Vegas the way that your average yuppie party boy would. I'd rather stay at the Stratosphere than the Luxor. I'd rather go the the M&M museum than see some sell-out artist like Celine Dion. And I'd rather pay my hookers for non-sexual sweat equity (i.e. See Personal Assistant) than their usual carnal fare. The first night I'll just probably regularly Double-Down on 16 and 17 just to see if I can provoke a fight. Indian casinos have taught me that people get angry when you Double-Down on 13 even when you know that the face cards are almost spent (#iamtherealrainman). I also want to purchase a classy escort and spend the whole two hours riding the gondola at The Venetian, making pancakes on the griddle that I brought to my hotel suite, and getting kicked out of the The Golden Nugget's pool for tandem-riding their sweet-ass glass water slide. Best $800 I ever spent. On a related note, there is probably a post coming in the near future about the steps that Las Vegas Vice is taking to cut down on prostitution...it is "interesting" to say the least.

Camcorder - $455.00

This might be the Holy Grail of Gifts right here. It's exactly what I need to take my blogging to the next level. Video segments are the way of the future and my super-shitty webcam is totally unable to provide the shots that I will need to operate successfully. I don't have a particular brand of camcorder in mind, but preferably something that utilizes disks and not tapes.

So that has been the Ray gift-giving guide. But your reading this is more than enough for me and if you lack discretionary income like most people I know, a Facebook wall post well-wish is more than enough.

Podcast: Outlive, Outlast, Overcome: Reality TV Fever

To celebrate the return of The Challenge: Rivals and the new season of my Challenge fantasy league which I will be featuring on this blog in the coming months, June's podcast will be a one-on-one conversation with an expert on reality television. That expert is former roommate Nick Rosati who is currently living in Puerto Rico. However, due to Nick and I having to record this podcast over the phone, it has been exceedingly difficult for me to convert it into a file format that can be hosted here on Blogger. However, I do have the entire podcast available in multiple file formats for you to download so that you can slam this bad boy into your iPod and listen to it at the gym...which is the way that a real podcast is supposed to work. I know that Alyssa Deutsch has been inquiring about the practicality of this for a while. Sorry, but my traditional intro music has been cut in post-production as well. And for those of you that are late adapters like me...I'll try to have a video file up in a month or so for posterity. Please enjoy the podcast as Nick and I discuss all things reality television and stay tuned for the results of our Challenge Draft coming in a few days:

The .mp3 file can be found here:
http://www.archive.org/details/HotAndBotheredEffectJune2011PodcastMp3File

The .wma file can be found here:
http://www.archive.org/details/HotAndBotheredEffectJune2011PodcastWma

The .wav file can be found here:
http://www.archive.org/details/HotAndBotheredEffectJune2011PodcastWav

And Now a Shameless Plug: Collision and Destruction Party

I know that many of you had been told a couple days ago that I was going to be posting a post called "All That Glitters..." today. However, there are certain posts that are time sensitive and this is one of them. So rather than debut this new segment when I re-vamp this blog's format in Year 2...I'm giving it to you right now. Because I have some friends who need your help. You see, not everybody that I associate with is a slave to the man like myself. Some of my friends actually have hopes and dreams and didn't sell these out to be just another desk jockey. But enough about my shattered dreams. My friends Katherine Beattie and Kacie Calhoun are taking on very high profile roles on film projects that they are passionate about. However, Miramax and Universal aren't funding these things. Independent films rely more heavily on individual financial backers in order to get made. And that's where you can come in. Through the magic of a little website called kickstarter.com, you can be that financial backing that they need. Kickstarter allows you to pledge money towards various undertakings and passion projects to help people continue their quest to live the dream. I often talk about how to achieve The Lush Life. Well, the quickest route to The Lush Life is to co-op with other people and pull each other up towards The American Dream. So while most of my readers probably lack excessive disposable income...I urge you all to donate to the Kickstarter.com projects below.

Collision - http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1365110527/collision-0

Destruction Party - http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/thecollaborate/destruction-party

Collision will need $7,180 more by July 1st! -- 23 Days to Go.

Destruction Party will need $2,340 more by June 12th! -- 4 Days to Go.

The Skinny on These Films:

Collision:  

The first film to feature two female wheelchair users in leading roles. Collision will forever change your perception of disability.


THE STORY:
While rehabilitating from a motor vehicle accident that left her paralyzed, Jessica (Tiffany Giddes) meets Charlie (Teal Sherer), a local bakery owner and fellow wheelchair user. Jessica soon realizes that Charlie is leading a double life as an assassin, and that she’s being groomed as her partner. While Jessica looks to get revenge on the man that put her in a wheelchair and Charlie seeks protection from former bosses that are trying to have her killed, both women learn that you can’t change the past, and friendship is the key to moving forward.

WHY WE ARE DOING THIS:

Think of this project as more than a film. Think of it as a movement away from long held stereotypes and stigmas regarding disability in Hollywood.

Everyone deserves to see a version of themselves on screen, but for people with disabilities, the roles just aren't there. If they are, those roles frequently go to "able bodied" actors. Furthermore, actors with disabilities are rarely given the chance to audition for "able bodied" roles.

COLLISION aims to bring a wave of change through Hollywood. Actors with disabilities have been relegated to background and bit parts for far too long. Collision, the first film to feature two female wheelchair users in leading roles, will show the world that we can play the hero.

Collision is not about being in a wheelchair -- it's about living, loving, laughing, kicking ass and moving forward.

WHY WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT:

This is an ambitious film filled with amazing stunts and special effects like you've never seen before. Big ambitions often mean a big budget, but with big ambitions come big rewards. We can't change minds or break barriers without your generous support.  Together we can make movie history!

Starring: Tiffany Giddes & Teal Sherer
Directed By: Alexis Ostrander
Written By: Katherine Beattie
Director of Photography: David J. Frederick, SOC
Editor: Rita K. Sanders
Stunt Coordinator(s): America Young & Chris LaCentra

Destruction Party:

PARTY DETAILS

When Ava invites her three closest friends to a dinner party, her unaware guests are in for a surprise.  Wine is poured, and Ava ceremoniously introduces the girls to her concept of this DESTRUCTION PARTY: 
The girls are asked to share what upsets them...and instead of drinking out of their tea cups, the girls hurl them at a nearby stone wall for every bit of cathartic wit and social commentary they unleash.

PARTY PLANNING

While our script is cleverly written to only include one set with an intimate cast of four actresses, there are still costs we cannot go without paying in order to accomplish the quality of production we aim for.

In short, we aim to produce a film that is a contender in the short film category in film festival circuits nationwide.  We feel the short story form is an achievable way that we can tell a creative, original story by not exceeding the limited means we currently have as aspiring, independent filmmakers.
We have taken pride and caution with our budget, and we are happy to ask for the bare minimum financial amount necessary to produce this film.

PARTY PLANNERS

Starring: Lacey Chabert, Vanessa Zima, Amy Davidson, and Oona Mekas.
Directed and Written By: Amanda Mae Meyncke
Producer: Trenton Waterson
Executive Producer / UPM: Kacie Calhoun
Associate Producer: Rachel Van Der Merwe
Director of Photography: Charlie Balch
Editor: Chris Mertens

 Ray's Top Five Reasons Why You Should Donate:

5. You get some swank shit. You don't just have to donate out of the goodness of your heart. Depending upon how much you donate you can accrue benefits such as DVDs, premiere invitations, and producer credits. You only need to donate $20 to Destruction Party to get invited to the premiere. We'll get drunk beforehand. It will be awesome.


4. What goes around comes back around. Justin Timberlake knew what he was talking about. He always does. The world can't be filled with strictly givers and takers. Otherwise, given human nature, there wouldn't be enough giving (supply) to support all of the taking (demand). It's economics. So if you expect people to support you when you're passionate about something...it might be a good idea to have some karmic build-up to fall back on.

3. You have a problem. Any of my readers who are not crippling alcoholics may skip to #2. The 75% of my followers who remain should heed this intervention. Put down your bottle of Captain Morgan and right the ship already. If you gave a few dollars to support these films you wouldn't have as much left to spend on this poison that is killing you on a nightly basis. Think of the children.


2. You'll be producing something meaningful. Both of these films are about empowerment...or so I'm told (they also appear to be about assassinating people and smashing shit, respectively). You won't be contributing to some Eddie Murphy piece of shit that will debase you or insult your intelligence. And for those amongst us that trade energy from point to interface and interface to point for a living without really producing anything (and if their profession were to disappear off the face of the planet, there would be no noticeable impact on the average American), this has to make them feel good that they are actually contributing something to society.

1. Consider it an investment. You are investing in Katherine and Kacie's futures. They're going places in the film industry whether you donate or not, so you might as well get in on the ground floor. When they're Hollywood power brokers, don't you want to be on the guest list? You're really doing this for yourself. Get in their good graces now and you'll be living the Hollywood life and banging Rachel McAdams or Ryan Gosling on Jack Nicholson's pool table before you know it.