Hello Followers of the Hot and Bothered Effect.
As has been promised to you, once a month I will have a guest blogger from another blog come and post on the Hot and Bothered Effect so that you can get an appreciation for different writing styles, points of view, and blogs. It will also give other blogs operated by friends of mine to get some exposure for their blogs as well as exposing my readers to blogs that I like. This month's Guest Blogger will be Andrew who operates What About Free Will?. I read his blog with some regularity. His blog states it's description as follows: "My only goal is humor. I write, you laugh, you show your friends, they laugh...and then perhaps something magical will happen (no promises). So, what about free will? It’s the only thing that nobody can take away from you, but luckily the only thing that matters. Though, without free will I'd have to have fewer excuses prepared. Besides all that, I am awkward. Like, impressively awkward. It's to the point that you think I'm doing it on purpose." Once again, I do not know Andrew and this post is simply an excerpt from his blog. Next month, I plan on returning with exclusive content from a friend's blog. However, Andrew is taking a perilous cross-country trip right as I am taking a periloous cross-country trip so I thought that it would be a good seguay as my next post will come to you from Los Angeles and not Cincinnati. Here is Andrew:
My Grand Trans-Atlantic Adventure
I need to admit to something. It’s a lie. It’s all a lie. Sure I’ve lied before in the past, but this is one I just can’t live with.
Here’s the deal: I will soon be going on a very long car trip. There, I said it. The adventure I spoke of in the title of the story will not be trans-Atlantic nor particularly grand. I will be driving from bumfuck Iowa all the way to Phoenix, Arizona. Admit it though, you never would have read a story entitled “Bumfucking Across America.” I am making this road trip to partake in a short internship. Upon completion of which, I will be nearly ready to enter the workforce as a responsible, tax-paying citizen.
The road trip is rumored (from Google) to take about 24 hours of driving. A rational person would stop halfway to recuperate. Not this guy. I plan on driving straight through, even if it kills me and several innocent bystanders. Besides this decision which may end up meaning my demise, there are several things I am excited to experience, and many other things that I may encounter that would cause a nervous breakdown/anxiety attack. I will detail the states I plan on driving through.
On the way there…
Iowa
Possible Hazards: None. I am well versed in the ways of the motherland and fear neither corn, corn whooping*, or corn syrup.
*Corn whooping is the act of pulling a tassel out of a corn stalk, tapping the end of it on your shoe, which sends the hard tip speeding towards another person. While seemingly benign, the act of corn whooping can break the skin…and the cornea. I saw both happen.
Possible Delights: Last chance to experience Midwest “quaintness.”
Nebraska
Possible Hazards: Mainly, I’m worried about Husker fans. As stated many times over, I carry little concern for sports in general and less still for football. However, I am impressed on a day-to-day basis with the obnoxiousness of Husker fans. Also, Nebraska is very flat. It is quite possible that I will fall asleep at the wheel killing all the 300 people that live in Nebraska.
Possible Delights: Fuck if I know.
Colorado
Possible Hazards: Mountains. What the fuck? These huge pieces of rock are just sitting around and nobody seems to care. To quote a highly intelligent teacher of mine, “Every mountain is a volcano and it’s just a question of when that mountain is going to explode.” To exemplify the point, the same teacher also said, “Every animal that is born adds weight to the world, and it’s just a question to how much weight the world can hold.” Don’t ask me; I’m not sure where he was going with that, or where I was going with that for that matter.
Anyways, I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do when I get to these mountains. I have never actually seen this phenomenon in person and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it emotionally. I can see the newspapers now, “A twenty-four year old man backed up traffic for miles today when he stopped his car in the middle of the interstate. When questioned on his decision the man responded, ‘I wanted to see what the mountain was going to do.’"
Possible Delights: The absence of fat people. Colorado has the lowest rate of obesity at right around 20%. The sad thing is, Colorado is commended for its obesity rate, when in fact, one-fifth of population has cushiony roles. How is that an accomplishment? Go America!
New Mexico
Possible Hazards: Like everyone else on Earth, I have no idea what Purgatory is like. I have a strong suspicion that New Mexico is the closest thing readily observable to living people. While Purgatory by definition is not a hazard, I feel that I am not mentally stable enough to handle the reality shift, therefore making it a hazard to me. If the Catholic Church didn’t completely make up Purgatory in order to swindle people out of money I might actually be concerned.
Possible Delights: Hookers. No wait, that’s Nevada. What the hell is in New Mexico?
Arizona
Possible Hazards: Hippies, hippies, god damn hippies everywhere. I realize that I will be spending a good portion of time in this state, but I am not prepared to deal with this sect of the population. There are a bunch of human-gonads in Arizona that believe in things like power crystals, energy vortexes, and blood type food diets. Look that shit up, I’m so angry I can’t even describe it to you in order to make fun of it.
Possible Delights: I will be [comparatively] toasty warm in the middle of January. Have fun with snow and everything that comes with it, suckers.
I am taking somewhat of scenic route on the way back in order to participate in a wedding. I suppose this is also the way I will take if there is some sort of massive snow storm happening in the near future which closes the state of Colorado. If so, please disregard most everything written above. Now. Okay, now keep going.
Texas
Possible Hazards: People who are not aware the South lost the Civil War, people who are not aware that Texas is not its own country, and people who think the Alamo is not a complete tourist trap. Oh yeah, and the humidity.
Possible Delights: I hear there’s a really cute antique shop just off the highway.
Oklahoma
Possible Hazards: Musicals.
Possible Delights: Google maps says I’ll only be in Oklahoma for like an hour, so I’m not exactly sure what delights I will have time to experience. I hope the rest stops are nice…
Kansas
Possible Hazards: When I was six years old I went to my Aunt’s house outside Kansas City. They lived in a suburb called “Rattlesnake Ridge.” Early one morning I was told to play outside and was sent out back to the sandbox. Upon opening the box, I found a friendly little snake inside that made a neat noise. The best part was that the closer I got to it, the louder it got. It was a fun toy. I stood there for awhile, poking it. After some time, the snake took a strike at me and missed. I was not concerned. I got bored and left. Somehow I didn’t die.
Possible Delights: I couldn’t think of anything to put here so I went to Wikipedia. Apparently Kansas leads the U.S. in sunflower and sorghum production. Who knew? I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a good bowl, of hot, steamy sorghum.Thanks Kansas!
So, there you have it. These states together will create a grand adventure, the likes of which the world has never seen. Maybe some of you will see me out there, on the open road. If so, give a friendly wave. If that doesn’t get my attention, honk and throw objects at my car because I’ve probably fallen asleep at the wheel again.
Iowa
Possible Hazards: None. I am well versed in the ways of the motherland and fear neither corn, corn whooping*, or corn syrup.
*Corn whooping is the act of pulling a tassel out of a corn stalk, tapping the end of it on your shoe, which sends the hard tip speeding towards another person. While seemingly benign, the act of corn whooping can break the skin…and the cornea. I saw both happen.
Possible Delights: Last chance to experience Midwest “quaintness.”
Nebraska
Possible Hazards: Mainly, I’m worried about Husker fans. As stated many times over, I carry little concern for sports in general and less still for football. However, I am impressed on a day-to-day basis with the obnoxiousness of Husker fans. Also, Nebraska is very flat. It is quite possible that I will fall asleep at the wheel killing all the 300 people that live in Nebraska.
Possible Delights: Fuck if I know.
Colorado
Possible Hazards: Mountains. What the fuck? These huge pieces of rock are just sitting around and nobody seems to care. To quote a highly intelligent teacher of mine, “Every mountain is a volcano and it’s just a question of when that mountain is going to explode.” To exemplify the point, the same teacher also said, “Every animal that is born adds weight to the world, and it’s just a question to how much weight the world can hold.” Don’t ask me; I’m not sure where he was going with that, or where I was going with that for that matter.
Anyways, I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do when I get to these mountains. I have never actually seen this phenomenon in person and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it emotionally. I can see the newspapers now, “A twenty-four year old man backed up traffic for miles today when he stopped his car in the middle of the interstate. When questioned on his decision the man responded, ‘I wanted to see what the mountain was going to do.’"
Possible Delights: The absence of fat people. Colorado has the lowest rate of obesity at right around 20%. The sad thing is, Colorado is commended for its obesity rate, when in fact, one-fifth of population has cushiony roles. How is that an accomplishment? Go America!
New Mexico
Possible Hazards: Like everyone else on Earth, I have no idea what Purgatory is like. I have a strong suspicion that New Mexico is the closest thing readily observable to living people. While Purgatory by definition is not a hazard, I feel that I am not mentally stable enough to handle the reality shift, therefore making it a hazard to me. If the Catholic Church didn’t completely make up Purgatory in order to swindle people out of money I might actually be concerned.
Possible Delights: Hookers. No wait, that’s Nevada. What the hell is in New Mexico?
Arizona
Possible Hazards: Hippies, hippies, god damn hippies everywhere. I realize that I will be spending a good portion of time in this state, but I am not prepared to deal with this sect of the population. There are a bunch of human-gonads in Arizona that believe in things like power crystals, energy vortexes, and blood type food diets. Look that shit up, I’m so angry I can’t even describe it to you in order to make fun of it.
Possible Delights: I will be [comparatively] toasty warm in the middle of January. Have fun with snow and everything that comes with it, suckers.
I am taking somewhat of scenic route on the way back in order to participate in a wedding. I suppose this is also the way I will take if there is some sort of massive snow storm happening in the near future which closes the state of Colorado. If so, please disregard most everything written above. Now. Okay, now keep going.
On the way back…
Texas
Possible Hazards: People who are not aware the South lost the Civil War, people who are not aware that Texas is not its own country, and people who think the Alamo is not a complete tourist trap. Oh yeah, and the humidity.
Possible Delights: I hear there’s a really cute antique shop just off the highway.
Oklahoma
Possible Hazards: Musicals.
Possible Delights: Google maps says I’ll only be in Oklahoma for like an hour, so I’m not exactly sure what delights I will have time to experience. I hope the rest stops are nice…
Kansas
Possible Hazards: When I was six years old I went to my Aunt’s house outside Kansas City. They lived in a suburb called “Rattlesnake Ridge.” Early one morning I was told to play outside and was sent out back to the sandbox. Upon opening the box, I found a friendly little snake inside that made a neat noise. The best part was that the closer I got to it, the louder it got. It was a fun toy. I stood there for awhile, poking it. After some time, the snake took a strike at me and missed. I was not concerned. I got bored and left. Somehow I didn’t die.
Possible Delights: I couldn’t think of anything to put here so I went to Wikipedia. Apparently Kansas leads the U.S. in sunflower and sorghum production. Who knew? I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a good bowl, of hot, steamy sorghum.Thanks Kansas!
So, there you have it. These states together will create a grand adventure, the likes of which the world has never seen. Maybe some of you will see me out there, on the open road. If so, give a friendly wave. If that doesn’t get my attention, honk and throw objects at my car because I’ve probably fallen asleep at the wheel again.
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