Who Am I?: The Quest to Discover the True Me

Here on my blog I plan on regularly discussing one of my favorite subjects, above all others. That subject is me. It's probably true that nobody likes to hear somebody talk about themselves all the time, particularly not in as many words as I regularly use. However, this blog is a blog of self-discovery. Chronicling that quest is the purpose of this blog. So today we are going to talk about me, the man I am, and what kind of man I will become...as soon as I figure those things out.

Who is Ray O'Brien? And what makes Ray O'Brien, Ray O'Brien? These are important questions. I like to think that I know myself better than anybody else and that I am more than simply other's perceptions of me, even if I am as awesome as Andrew suggests in the above graphic. However, this might not be the case. I am a firm believer that it is in how we interact with other people that shapes who we are. Therefore, we are a hodge-podge of other people's perceptions of us, even if those perceptions are unfair. Take the two extremes. There are most likely people out there who love you very much and if you are lucky enough, there are people who idolize you enough to think that you hang the moon at night. And if you've lived a life worth living there are probably some people out there who hate your guts. Somewhere between and amongst these opposing veiws lies the true you. And there so lies the true me. But how did I become this person? Where did I go wrong? Where did I go right?

It is possible to change people's perceptions. However, usually you can't do it by changing the past. You have to work with or against your past and shape people's minds with future actions. This means that the question that I'm really asking myself is NOT "Who is Ray O'Brien?" The question de jour is "Who will be Ray O'Brien?" What I really want to know is who I will become. The fallacy of the American Dream (I will explain the real American Dream in later posts) would have me believe that I can be whatever I want. I think that I know better than this. There is an age-old argument that blazes on about whether fate or free will determine our destinies. Can't it be both? Fate has already determined a finite number of things that I cannot be. Free will shall determine from amongst those still on the table, what I can become. So at least now we know that to find the true me I need not only to look retrospectively back at my life (well, maybe later) but instead look to my future. So to find the true me, it's time to visit my own Nostradomas.

By that, I of course mean that I went to see a psychic / tarot card reader. Her name was Destiny (very appropriate). She was in her late 20s. She was also fairly hot. I asked her what she prefers to be called fortune teller, soothsayer, medium, etc. Apparently, she likes to be called an "Oracle". Groovy. So I asked her all of the important questions. She sees a wife and kids in my future (Score). She does not see divorce in my future (Double Score). In response to "Will I Die Young?" she said "Not as young as you think?" That seems like an evasive answer to some but it just proves that she knows me all too well. She basically said that I will live past 27. That's going out on a limb. There were of course several very vague answers. She left me with this tidbit about my future and my destiny: "Dreams are like stars...You may never touch them, but if you follow them they will lead you to your destiny." Dreams you say. Hmmm. Stars you say. Double Hmmm. I'm pretty sure that this was her way of telling me to study my dreams and my horoscope. Done and done. Here is what I learned.

After dropping $15 on a psychic, (By the way, Is it customary to tip a psychic?) I decided to just interpret my own dreams rather than waste any more money on books or help. Not that difficult. I have recurring dreams all the time. I know what they mean, but some of them reflect poorly on me psychologically. Their content is not for the internet public. If you want to know more about them, just ask.

As for the stars...well they apparently have much to tell me. I am a Capricorn and cusp Capricorn at that. This apparently tells people a lot about me. Upon learning what these things are I am convinced that I am not actually a Capricorn. The first four sentences of Capricorn standards describe the opposite of me: "A typical Capricorn has good organizational skills, is neat and tidy, having hard-headed practicality. You have a strong work ethic, materialistic tendencies, a conservative streak, conventionality and great respect for authority. You are ambitious, serious, and dedicated to duty. You are self-disciplined, responsible and practical but at times, you wallow in self-pity." They just described Bizarro Ray, though I'm pretty sure he is a Cancer. They did a little better with my likes and dislikes in speculating that I enjoy unconditional love, personal privacy, and expensive gemstones but have an aversion to loneliness, being made to feel useless or incompetent, and being embarrassed in public. Now correct me if I am wrong but don't those likes and dislikes correspond to everybody. Todos los personas, as the Spanish say.

There's a perfectly logical explanation for this. According to my due date I am a Sagittarius. However, I am lazy and self-important so naturally I decided to spend some extra time indulging myself in the womb. And when it was time to emerge I decided that it needed to be the Winter Soltice. Since in 1985 that fell on the 22nd instead of the usual 21st, I missed my true Sagittarius calling by a day. Listen to a description of Sagittarii:

"A typical Sagittarius has a bright, sunny disposition and an almost incurable sense of optimism regarding the future. You are good natured, irrepressible sense of fun and an inspiring spiritual side. The Sagittarius carries the sense of being in a state of divine grace, at one with the universe. In unfavorable situations, you are impatient, have the fear of responsibility, self-indulgent, fanaticism and refuse to grow up. You also have the tendency to get addicted to gambling. Those born under this sign are characterized by optimism, aspiration, inspiration, enthusiasm and expansiveness. A Sagittarius has a positive outlook on life, are full of enterprise, energy, versatility, adventurousness and eagerness to extend the experience as much as possible. You enjoy traveling and exploration. You are honorable, honest, trustworthy, truthful, generous and sincere with a passion of justice. Sagittarius not a diplomatic sign like Libra and Scorpio, Sagittarius likes to tell people more than they may want to know, or are ready to hear. Like the other fire signs, Sagittarius enjoys the outdoors. You are often religious with a strong sense of morality."

Now doesn't that sound a lot more like me. They nailed me right down to my self-indulgent gambling addiction. So...now that we've figured out what my sign is, what does the future hold for me? According to Horoscopes.com which has actually predicted the year to date pretty well for me says things are going to start happening for me in November both romantically and career-wise. So I've got that going for me. However, December told me that I'll be being very generous to those that I love. I'm taking this to mean that I won my bet with Nick. This means that I will be thinner which would explain the relationship upswing in November. It also means I'll be working for Habitat for Humanity which will give me greater self-satisfaction on the whole Maslow Pyramid thing. So things are looking up. But if Astrology and Horoscopes really do say something about a person then it stands to reason that they should say something about all people born on that day or within that timeline. This is one of the reasons that I have always thought re-incarnation was plausible. My due date was the same day that Orson Welles died...and I too am overweight, creative, but conceited. My dad was also born around the time Stalin died...so you see what I mean. My childhood was much like a gulag. So I have to look at other people who have cusp birthdays (both Sagitarrius and Capricorn). This means I will take a cut of all people born on December 21st and 22nd.


It doesn't look good. Sure it started off great. The list included current Heisman winner Mark Ingram, two American Idol winners (Jordin Sparks and David Cook), a 300 Game Winner (Steve Carlton), and my namesake Ray Romano. Keifer Sutherland and Samuel L. Jackson were both born on the Winter Solstice, which means I might be destined to be a legendary badass. However, after this a troubling trend started emerging. I should have gotten worried when I saw names on the list that included Stephanie Meyer, Ryan Seacrest, and Umar Abdulmatallab (The Underwear Bomber). If this didn't tip me off a rapper named Tonedeff and a wrestler named The Wifebeater probably should have. But then we hit the motherlode and it built something like this: Criss Angel, Lukas Rossi, Luther Campbell (of 2Live Crew), Jojo, Frankie Abernathie (Real World San Diego), Basshunter, Frank Zappa, and then (BOOM!) Corey Haim, Andy Dick, and Ali Lohan. With these ten names I am destined to struggle with substance abuse. So it is written, so it shall happen. Dina Lohan has ruined me. Seriously, is there a more foreboding three-banger to be born on any given date: Corey Haim, Andy Dick, and a Lohan. Corey Haim, Andy Dick, and a Lohan walk into a bar...the jokes they start to write themselves.


Since looking into astrology and not liking the future that I saw, I decided that maybe it was best that I allow my current self and self-image to inform my future. And I should probably use something a little more scientific and analytical to tell me who I am. That's why I took the Myers-Briggs test. Apparently I'm an INTP or an ENTP, really too close to call. Either way this means that I am in a group consisting of less than 3% of the population. Take that all you ISFJs and your 14% of the population. Each personality type has a list of recommended occupations. My list includes copywriter which I am trained in...but it also includes detective, lest I feel my calling in life needs a little more excitement. Luckily enough, it not only tells me what job to get but also who would make a good mate and how I will likely raise my children. For a mate, I should choose an Intuitive Feeling type...like Oprah, Helen Keller, or Princess Diana. The ideal mate for should appreciate my ingenuity, perceptiveness, and support my ever-changing interests, schemes, and social pursuits. They should also like the fact that I enjoy arguments for arguments sake. How well this test knows me.

According to analysis, I am least likely to suffer heart disease (Woot Woot!) but most likely to abuse alcohol (Damn You, Dina Lohan!). I should theoretically have a high salary but be dissatisfied with my job (Starting to Sound more like Nick). I am also likely to become an emotionally distant parent. A picture of my future is starting to develop here: an argumentative, alcoholic, emotionally distant detective. I've basically turned into Eddie Valiant from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? And while I feel confident that the adventurous hijinks that would ensue would be just as entertaining as I imagine, I'm still not sure that this is the true me. Perhaps I need to look into my past. Astrology will show me my future. Psychology can show me my present. But perhaps, it is genealogy and my past that will show me the true me.

Allegedly we, as humans, are comprised of 46 chromosones (23 from our mother and 23 from our father) that act as genetic markers to form who we are as people. As luck would have it, I actually have a relative who is into genealogy. However, it's my grandmother on my mother's side and everybody knows that I am my father's son. This means that I come from a long line of people who don't give a shit about that long line of people. This means that all genealogical conclusions that I make will have to be deduced from a sample size of living family which I have met.

I think that I can deduce that I will get married. I have eight blood uncles and all of them have tied the knot. Some to fantastically awesome ladies...other unions have been less than preferable. I will not expound upon this lest I make future family reunions awkward. Since physical genetics all come from my dad I will also have more hair than I could ever need for as long as I could possibly need it. However, I also will definitely abuse alcohol. That is the one thing that astrology, psychology, and genealogy agree on. I will be an alcoholic (Damn You, Dina Lohan!). Genealogy will leave me with a mixed bag of pros and cons. I will be a fiercely loyal person but also excessive argumentative. I will be blessed with a sense of humor but will be unable to sing on key should my life depend on it. Unfortunately, all of the important things that genealogy has to tell me like propensity towards certain illnesses, if my kids will be intelligent, or if I'm related to anybody famous require that I look through many a generation. I plan to write a book about my geneology. The only problem is that I'm pretty sure my family history is pretty boring.

Which is why I just choose to make up my genealogy. Who's gonna call me on it? Lord knows Oprah isn't going to do the research. Sure, if I said that Brad Pitt was my uncle you'd call bullshit. And if I said Denzel Washington was any close blood relation you'd know I was lying. But if I said that John Hinkley Jr. was my cousin you would buy it hook, line, and sinker. How do you know my cousin didn't shoot Reagan? You don't. Just remember, genealogy is as interesting and useful as you make it with your lies and deception. And nobody gives a shit who your great-great-great-great grandfather is. It's all about what have they done for me lately and what are the odds that I can meet them at some juncture. Also, remember that when lying to impress a girl at a bar the trick is to keep your famous relative believable but relevant. Choose somebody that they've heard of but that is too random for them to suspect you of making up on the spot. I like to go with heralded character actor Alan Rickman. That way they aren't questioning why I didn't get my famous relative's dashing good looks. If they don't know who Alan Rickman is I just say Hans Gruber from Die Hard. If they are still confused then I have to leave because I am now talking to a dumb skank. And now that I have gotten thoroughly off-topic it has been revealed to me that genealogy is telling me that I will become a misogynistic and bad pick-up artist.

I think that this mission of self-discovery has been worthwhile. And I apologize to my brothers Will and Matt for the impending piano that will be dropped on their heads by some maniacal toon. But as I stated at the beginning of this post (and as Eminem so eloquently cursed about in his song "The Way I Am") I am whatever you say I am. So let's close this out by revealing what others have said about me using a several random blurbs from my Facebook, e-mail, and voicemail:

"How do you sleep at night? The lies must stop!" - Kristin Vennekotter

"Thanks for letting me borrow your book." - Meg Wise

"Ray, you're a boo-boo kitty-fuck." - Rob Madden

"Jeeez. I just wanted to see a few pictures of Ray naked and covered in shampoo, but instead all I got was about 200 pictures of Ray playing dodgeball. Give the people what they want!" - Daniel Fishman

"I heard Ray O'Brien only has one hand...the upper hand!" - Will O'Brien

"The best beer pong partner in the world! (sorry I'm so horrible)" - Caryl Adams

"Ray, do you know what you get when you go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles? You get chicken. You get waffles. You get a bullet!" - Matt Burrows

"Empty your damned e-mail inbox. I've been trying to e-mail you and it keeps rejecting it. I'll send you my "e-mail" via facebook messaging!" - Andrew Smith

"I miss webcamming with you in the shower." - Greg Olhosky

"Your hair is like a flock of goats streaming down the mountains of Gilead. Maybe I would trust you if you hadn't thrown my shoes off a ledge." -Sarah Wood

"You're an effing badass, and I', glad to have heard from you...If you're not having a good summer, suck it up and then go outside in the sun so your body makes happy chemicals." - Amy Grote

"I think a topless August Ray O'Brien may also be a high value item as well." - Jen Downing

"We are anticipating an excellent selection of fellows for you to sufficiently creep on. Get ready Mr. O'Brien." - Alyssa Konermann

"Raymond, if you still need my exceptional writing skills for your beat ass blog let me know. PS buy a phone and call a brother." - Will O'Brien