A Tale of Two Cities: A Rumination on the Two Places That Ray Calls "Home"

So, as of earlier this week have completed my move from the great Cincinnati, Ohio to the great Los Angeles, California. It's not necessarily a new city for me since it's where I spent the first 18 years of my life. However, it will certainly be a change in my life, and I don't know whether it's for the better or for the worse. There are things that I love about each place and things that I hate about each place. So I thought that I would break down the factors and let people know what my top pros and cons are with regards to each city.

Five Things That I'll Miss the Most

5. Max and Erma's Chicken Tortilla Soup

It's exceedingly addictive. The most ridiculous part of this situation is that I am going from Cincinnati (the land of ribs, beer, and heavy European food) and I'm moving to Los Angles (the land of tacos, chimicangas, and all foods Mexican) and I am exceedingly worried that I won't be able to find a chicken tortilla soup as good as the one that they cook up at Max and Erma's. That might sound ridiculous. I'm sure that the combined millions of Mexican-Americans living in Southern California have come up with some pretty good tortilla soup recipes, but I'm going to need somebody to direct me towards the best ones and see if they're able to give me my fix. Otherwise, trips back to Cincinnati might become like trips back to Los Angeles...where I always stop at In 'N' Out within four hours of landing at the airport. I've tried to mimic the recipe as best I can but I can't get the spices right. Though I am now pretty sure that I was missing cumin. I have no choice but to officailly launch a search for the best Tortilla Soup in Los Angeles. The results will appear in a forthcoming blog post some time over the summer. It takes a while to conduct such a search. Los Angeles is a big metro area.

4. Kelli's Hair Cuts

I know that I recently spent an entire blog post talking about how this was going to be a difficult transition, but I think that it can not be overstated how dicey this situation is going to be. I have severe trust issues. These trust issues apply to many situations beyond haircuts (Podcast Guest Lauren just attempted to psycho-talk to the root of them in a Podcast that will air in April). However, they run deep on this particular issue and I'm not the only one. My former roommate Nick, another Kelli client, recently moved to Puerto Rico. And rather than let some hack Puerto Rican stylist or barber trim his locks...he's decided to do it himself. That's an ill-advised decision, but I understand it. Once you've had the first class hair cut experience you can't go back to the minor leagues. I don't want to settle for shoddy haircuts by strangers. So for a second consecutive item, I beseech my Los Angeles readers to make to me a recommendation regarding how I can rectify this situation. If you think you have a stylist who can fit my needs let me know and I will run my requisites by you.

3. $275/mo. Rent

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I lived in a slum. I'm not saying that you're wrong...but I am saying that slums in Los Angeles cost three times this much. The apartment complex that I am currently looking at moving towards costs somewhere between $1800-$2300 for a mid-sized 2-bedroom. Fuck my face. After taxes I could concievably be be spending half of my salary on rent and utilities and I just don't think that that is any way to live. But it's not like I can just throttle down to a cheaper apartment. $500 a month apartments don't exist in Los Angeles. I could probably find an apartment in a seedy downtown area for about $450 a month but it would be offset by the fact that I would have to pay safety insurance to the local toughs to avoid getting my place broken into or torched. And that's something that doesn't happen in Cincinnati no matter what that new show Harry's Law tries to tell you.

2. Snow

I know that I've already made my love of adverse weather clear, but it is hard to overstate how much I am going to miss having seasons that change. The main reason that people seem to think that I should be excited to return to the land of the 90 degrees and the ocean breeze is that I won't have to deal with the frigid weather that Cincinnati rolls out for seven months out of the year. The truth is that I love snow and I love cold. This was never more apparent then when I was hanging out at my friend Noah's apartment the other night. Our friend Jen asked if she could shut the window because she was feeling chilly right at about the same time that I was about to rip off my shirt because it was saunatastic in that apartment. And it's not just my wardrobe and general comfort level that are effected. No snow means no box ball and no broom ball, two of my favorite sports (box ball being second to only jetski paintball). How will I get out my repressed bottled rage. Box ball is a very important outlet which stops the rage from brimming to the point where I snap and kill one of the several niusances in my life. There will be no snow angels, no snowball fights, and no snowmen. Goodbye, white christmas. It was nice to know you.

1. Cincinnati Friends

I love my friends on both sides of the Mississippi (or let's say "The Rockies" since Cincinnati is moving to Denver. I would refuse to tell you that one set is better than the other. However, they both provide me with fullfilment in very different ways. My Cincinnati friends are more adventurous, more malicious (in a good way), and more consistently available. I've been supremely spoiled in the last seven years to have many of my nearest and dearest living within a three mile radius. I got to see my friends damn near every night. We did weekly dinner parties and trivia nights and poker games. Those days are gone. I will be moving to a city where many of my closest friends live close to an hour away and where urban sprawl will create a glaze of dissonance that will be hard to overcome. I also don't have personalities in Los Angeles that can ever replace the Andrew Smiths or Trevor Lowes in my Cincinnati life. When I return to Cincinnati, it won't be for the tortilla soup. It will be for my lovable Cincinnati friends with their wonderful midwestern values.

Five Things I Say "Good Riddance" To

5. Proximity to Dayton

I'm ready and willing to admit that I'm stretching here. What can I say? There just aren't that many things to dislike about Cincinnati. There's plenty of things to dislike about it's loathable neighbor to the north. The city is filthy, the people are whiny, and the whole place has been under construction 24/7 for the last eight years. Percentage-wise it has the fastest-shrinking population in America over the last decade because the residents who do possess a sense of human decency are desperate to escape. The ones who don't just send their teens to The University of Dayton. Despite the construction that has made the city a work in progress for the last decade, they really haven't built anything. Good retail outlets and restaurants are few and far between, though they do have a whole section of the city filled with high-on-pretention but low-on-talent art galleries. While I hate to leave Cincinnati, I'm okay with trading it's useless neighbor Dayton for it's useless Los Angeles County equivalent: Fontana.

4. Cincinnati Metro

I'm sorry guys, but it's really hard to complain about things in Cincinnati. It's a pretty great place. And I feel bad about bashing the Cincinnati Metro when the Los Angeles Public Transit system is ten times worse. But I had to ride the Metro for the five months after graduation before I got a car and for most of my college years when I wasn't able to borrow a car. It has a slew of problems. It doesn't run on time. The buses are constantly showing up late (which isn't that bad) or early so that when you arrive at your stop a few minutes early the bus has already left and the next one will be around in an hour. The city planners also clearly have no semblance of what the high traffic areas are within their city. And they certainly don't know how to meld this knowledge with what type of people ride the bus. I'll give them a heads up. Bus people are also Wal-Mart people. That is a heavily over-lapping Venn diagram. Plan accordingly. But let's talk about what kind of people bus people are. They're clearly eye patch people. I took a bus from Oakley to Colerain when I had to get my fixed at the dealership. During this 45 minute bus ride there were four seperate passengers who had eye patches. That appears to be exceedingly statistically significant when compared to the population at large. This bus ride also had two African-American guys yelling at each other in an argument over the pronunciation of "gyro". So it's got that going for it.

3. Safety

I'm pretty sure at this point that people think that I'm being sensationalistic and/or making up things. First I liked snow and now I disapprove of safety. Good weather is supposed to be the reason that you move to LA and personal safety is supposed to be the reason that you get out. But there are those of us who like to live dangerously. And while I have little interest in paying the safety insurance that was mentioned above under the cheap rent section...I do appreciate a little adventure and intrigue, and Los Angeles is the place to have it. There is a laundry list of things that I have done in Los Angeles that I have never been afforded the opportunity to do in Cincinnati. These include getting in fights, ghost riding my car, and seeing another human take a bullet. It sounds crazy, but it's the same reason people go skydiving. They want that rush. And Cincinnati just doesn't afford me the same sense of danger that Los Angeles can. And sure my life expectancy might take a significant dip after the move, but who wants to live that long anyway? I've always been "Live Fast, Die Young". I believe it was Steel Magnolias which taught me: "I'd rather have 15 minutes of spectacular, than a lifetime of nothing special".

2. Small Market Appeal

People who say that Cincinnati doesn't have everything that other cities have are selling it short. Sure it doesn't have a beach, but it's got just about every other means of entertainment that Los Angeles has. It even has an NFL team which LA doesn't. And while it doesn't have pro basketball, the Xavier Musketeers are much more exciting than most pro teams (I don't feel that I need to tell you why Clipper games suck, but I will explain why Laker games are terrible during a more relevant post). However, whereas Cincinnati has at least one of everything you could want...Los Angeles has three or four of everything. And this really helps prevent overcrowding when you're trying to enjoy yourself. The great events and places in Cincinnati get crowded. I don't want to have to share my IKEA with all of Southern Ohio. The entirity of Ohio, Kentucky, and Indiana have to share one IKEA (in Cincinnati). Los Angeles County has four IKEAs. That's what's so great about Los Angeles: the ridiculous overkill that they have in terms of entertainment options. Cincinnati has one boardwalk-style hangout. Los Angeles has at least half a dozen. And movie theaters are even more ridiculous. On Christmas Break of 2006, I did a film festival where I watched seven different Oscar nominated films in less than 24 hours at seven different theaters. I am 100% positive that this is impossible to do in Cincinnati because the drive time between seven different theaters would take up a good portion of your day and there are less convenient show times to choose from. So while Cincinnati has everything you need in terms of amusement. It would be preferable if it afforded amusement everywhere you turned.

1. Lydia

I don't know that words can describe my disdain for this creature. Lydia is my former roommate's cat. And it made me realize that I hate cats. When it really comes right down to it...I hate all animals. But after I leave Cincinnati, I won't have to care for one anymore. My parents never allowed my brothers to get a dog or a cat when we were growing up, and for this I am eternally greatful. We had a rabbit and that was bad enough. All it did was hop around, eat, and make my brothers cry when it got attacked by a coyote and then again when it died six months later. If you've ever been to a funeral for a pet that you didn't care about at all and other people are crying...then you know that they are the most awkward things of all time. I have never wanted to dig a hole faster in my life. But now I'm back to a household where pets are forbidden and Lydia can eat my dust out of Cincinnati. And while Jami was a perfectly fine roommate, Lydia was such a bitch that I'm largely considering a no-pets policy for all future roommates. As per usual exceptions will be made for certain applicants with exceptional assets, but they'd have to really stand out.

Five Things That I'm Looking Forward To

5. Kevin and Bean on 106.7 KROQ

I absolutely love this program. I don't think that any city in the world has a comparable morning show that is as entertaining as the Kevin and Bean morning show. They have a lovable group of misanthropic characters who are very effacing of each other and who possess absolutely ridiculous quirks and personality traits. Yet, somehow they're so relatable. I think of them as just like my friends, except wittier and with more celebrity connections. They are able to consistently put on a morning show that I want to listen to on my drive in. There topics of conversation are incredibly diverse, but each one is more interesting than the last. The humorous banter that they have during their ridiculous segments is what I aspire for my podcasts to become. But that almost can't be until way down the line...seeing as Kevin and Bean have been in action for almost twenty years. It takes a lot of practice to build the level of comeraderie that they display with each other, as well as Lisa May, Ralph Garman, Psycho Mike, and every other member of their morning show. It doesn't matter whether they're talking about politics, pornography, or the migratory pattern of birds...you get an enthralling conversation every time.

4. Hot Waitresses

While I don't think that most people properly consider this factor, it shouldn't surprise people that this is true. Hollywood is the American acting Mecca and Tinseltown requires its talent to be better looking than Broadway does because the move to HD puts beauty at even more of a premium than it has been over the past several decades. Therefore, the aspiring thespians that have phenomenal talent, ungodly-sensational looks, and any combination of those two will rise to the top and become stars in the industry. However, there is still plenty of work out there for those girls who are just very beautiful but not very, very, very beautiful. However, this is often not enough work to make actress there sole source of income. So, a good number of the actresses that have the looks to not get sent packing but still need to subsidize their income turn to waitressing. And subsidize their income they do. They've all learned that flirting and physical contact are sure to up their tips and so a perfect 10 that would look right through you if you were walking towards each other at the mall is forced to give you her full attention for about an hour. And even though you know that her giggle at your lame joke or her pat on your shoulder are just gratuity-upping ploys...you don't really care.

3. Spiciness

Sure there is a lot of great food that I'm looking forward to in Los Angeles that I just can't get in Cincinnati This is mainly In N' Out Burger and Cactus Cooler. However, there's a lot of great food that I am giving up. So it will even out. This more refers to the effect that my cooking will have on others and my ability to stimulate a certain section of my tongue that always wants me to bring the heat. Perhaps I should better explain. Every Monday night in Cincinnati, my friends and I would have dinner party. The host location would switch from week to week and about once a month I would find myself cooking a meal for about eight people. Being an arrougant bastard and thinking that I could make anything I would often take requests. And the fancier amongst the group decided to request ceviche. For those of you that don't know ceviche is a Peruvian fish dish. I obliged them, though they were clearly unaware of what ceviche was when they ordered it. The second line of it's wikipedia entry reads: " The dish is typically made from fresh raw fish marinated in citrus juices such as lemon or lime and spiced with chilli peppers." So as you've guessed by now...it was far too hot for everybody. Only Trevor the Mighty was able to stomach the ceviche, and he has never met a dinner party meal that he couldn't heap praise upon. A few months later I decided to do a dinner night where I would cook to order from a menu. So why so many people ordered the Cajun pasta when there were several other milder menu options. Unsurprisingly, the Cajun was a little too Cajun for those who ordered it. In Los Angeles, if I cook something with Cerrano peppers they slap in the face and asked why I didn't use cayanne. They don't appreciate you moseying down the Scollville Scale around here.

2. AMC Burbank Movie Screenings

I consider myself to be an Elite Level movie buff. My movie knowledge is first class and I've managed to keep myself abreast of all cinematic developments that are happening. But living in Cincinnati hasn't allowed me to stay as ahead of the curve as I am accustomed to being when I live in Los Angeles. That's because it is significantly harder to see movies before they come out. I love free screenings. They are the best thing that the movie industry has to offer us. You get to see movies that your friends can't see AND you get to see them for free. In my seven years in Cincinnati I was only able to find two free pre-screenings. One was for The Rocker with Rainn Wilson and the other was for The Tourist with Johnny Depp and Anjolina Jolie. I figured I had to go to them after scavenging so hard to find them. But the beauty of Los Angeles is that everytime I go to the AMC Burbank I can grab several free screening passes and be selective with my decisions. I already have three lined up for this week. Hopefully, Machine Gun Preacher and 30 Minutes or Less will be good. However they are, I'll let you know when you're considering paying to see them in six months like a sucker. And I've screened multiple Best Picture nominees over six months before they debuted to the general public and I've screened films that got relegated to a straight-to-DVD release. It's a crapshoot, but it's usually a good time.

1. Los Angeles Friends

While I'm quite sad to leave my Cincinnati friends behind, I'm very interested in catching up with my Los Angeles friends. When you live 3000 miles away, you have to work hard to make sure that your relationships don't atrophy. I've tried my best and in some cases of failed whereas in others I have succeeded. I'm hoping that in many cases I can pick up right where I left off. So far, so good. I've already re-established a relationship with many of them and we go golfing or watch basketball or go to bars on a regualar basis. The other good thing about my Los Angeles friends is that they are less like me than my Cincinnati friends. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm a glass half full kind of guy, so we're going with good. There might be less common interests with my Los Angeles friends, but I bring more to the table. There are no Ray O'Brien substitutes in Los Angeles. As much as many of my friends in Cincinnati might hate to admit it, there is a little Ray O'Brien in all of them. It will be nice to mingle with people for whom my shock value can achieve it's proper apex. In addition, I've forgotten how much I miss all of the great sound bites that my Los Angeles friends give me. This blog's Matt Burrows Quote Wall might be coming soon.

Five Things That I Am Dreading

5. Maladjusted Youngsters

There's just something off about kids who grow up in Los Angeles. And it's totally fair for me to say this because I was a kid who grew up in Los Angeles. All kids have their problems and their developmental issues. But Los Angeles kids are raised to lean towards one of two totally different extremes. This stems from the very different styles of parenting that are prevalent in Los Angeles. It takes a village to raise a child, and Los Angeles is no village to raise a child in. Midwestern parents teach their kids in the necessary niceities and human decencies that everybody should have, but they don't get too hard on their kids when they go out cow tipping or get into other mischief. Los Angeles parents either tend to be control freaks who try and short leash their children very tightly so as to not let the Gomorrah that is Los Angeles corrupt their offspring, or they tend to be overtly lax, absentee parents who let their kids do whatever the hell they want. I have to think that somewhere between Rev. Shaw Moore and Dina Lohan there lies the proper way to raise your child. But in Los Angeles most of the youth end up as either entitled waste-of-a-life doucher burnouts or morally-superior self-flagulating lunatics who try and make you feel bad about every decision you make.  

4. The LAPD

I'm a big fan of Cincinnati police. I'm a big fan of most police officers. They work hard to keep our streets safe and preserve law and order. A good percentage of the Los Angeles Poilice Department never got this memo. They are a corrupt bunch of egomaniacs who sometimes are as bad as the criminals that they lock up. Obviously, they had to deal with the fallout from the Rodney King beatings and the Rampart drug-selling scandals of the mid-90s. But I don't think that these coming to light has changed anything. I've never had dealings with an officer of the law in Los Angeles and felt like he or she was somebody that I would want to call if there was a burglar in my house. And while I can't necessarily speak to the current level of LAPD corruption, I can tell you that the officers that I have spoken to recently are arrougant, impersonal, and have way too much free time on their hands. I was riding shotgun when my friend got pulled over by an officer for not waiting for a jay-walker to completely cross the street before proceeding. As it turns out they had busted over 40 cars that day and the jay walkers were working in conjunction with the police to lure motorists into breaking the law so that they could ticket them to help cover their fiscal deficit. I'm pretty sure that that is a step away from entrapment and if our police force has that kind of time on it's hands to trap and exploit hardworking citizens, then I know of a few pink slips that can help with that deficit.

3. Sales Tax on Everything

I might be the most moderate on person on the face of the planet when it comes to social issues, but I would consider myself to be fiscally conservative. I want Uncle Sam to take his god damn hand out of my pocket. And I certainly don't appreciate that California is so bad at money managing that they need to place an almost 10% sales tax on every item. There are lots of products which don't require sales tax at all. When I'm cruising through the McDonald's Drive-Thru and I'm hitting the Dollar Menu like it's an Asian child who got a B+ in Algebra, it should cost $1...not $1.09. I don't deal in change. It's offputting. Sales tax makes life a hassle. Products spiral to prices exponentially more expensive than they need to be. Extra taxation is why gas is currently running at $3.77 in California while it was at $3.04 when I left Ohio. And given my communte, the extra taxation probably costs me at least $15 a week. California owes its citizens a better way of life. One where they don't have to get nickeled and dimed for 20 cents when they want to enjoy a McGangbang.

2. Serial Phone Junkies

I have mentioned on this blog before that we need that phone to save us from our phones. If there is one thing that I just will not tolerate it is people who cannot seperate themselves from their phones when they are at social gatherings with other people. If you get a phone call, go ahead and answer it. But otherwise your phone should be in your pocket. Having your phone out says to me that I am not worthy of your full attention. And this might be the message that you are willing to send. But I will show you that this is a poor decision. Much like an alligator or a wolf, I am a creature who can be reckoned with if your eyes are on me and you are alert. But once your attention strays to your phone and you lose me in your line of sight. BAM! To the Face! I do not mean to imply that Cincinnati does not have it's fair share of smart phone addicts. They do...though they got significantly better once Nick Rosati moved to Puerto Rico. However, it is unquestioned that Los Angeles is worse. If I can paint you a picture of the streets of Los Angeles, it would look like me walking amongst of sea of phone-staring zombies ambling through life aimlessly. Many of you might think that I don't have a smart phone because I lack the monetary ability to have nice things. And you would have been right for the first couple years of smart phonedom. However, now I refuse to get one because I fear catching the hypnotic disease that apparently spreads to all smart phone users. I will only get a smart phone when they invent aps so necessary to life that those who don't have one will become obsolete. When they invent the liver dialysis ap...then I'm in.

1. The 405, The 101, The 5, and The 10

 

I might be moving back to Cincinnati. This one just might be too much. The entire Los Angeles freeway sytem is killing me. I cannot overstate how much I miss the good old 71 and 75. It has taken me two hours to get home from work each of the last Fridays. If you know me, then you know that one activity that I despise above all others is waiting in line. When I would go to the Xavier University Hoff Dining Hall, I would not get the most delicious food because everybody was in line for it. I would eat whichever food had the shortest line. There are very few things in life worth waiting in line for. They exist...but there aren't nearly as many as most people think that there are. So it should stand to reason that I hate waiting in traffic. It's just a line...but with cars instead of standing. I'm sorry, but I have little desire to spend even 1% of my life waiting in line. Los Angeles is determined to make sure that I spend 10% of my life waiting in line. Everybody complains about the traffic in Los Angeles. But they still put up with it. I am going to allow the Los Angeles freeway system to drastically effect my life. I will ensure that I find a job that is closer to my place of residence or I will move out of Los Angeles. Denver, here I come. Nobody should have to put up with a two hour commute.