Union Jack-asses: Why Ray dislikes the British

In honor of the Royal Wedding that is coming up at the end of this month...Ray is dedicating two posts to the happy couple. Consider a wedding gift for their blessed union. The first is this post explaining in full Ray's dislike of British people which has been openly stated in multiple podcasts. The second will be a The Ray Way: Weddings edition early next month. However, it's time explain at length my feelings of aversion towards British people as this discussion will never happen in full during a podcast. Every time I bring it up it creates an awkward tension in the room as people start to stare at me for the jingoist bastard that I am being. But I don't particularly see anything wrong with it. Racism is bad. But as long as the people who's culture you don't like are white it's socially acceptable. It's like hating Texans or New Yorkers or Canadians...they aren't marginalized enough for my criticisms to be out of line. So now that we've gotten all of this uncomfortable "Ray is being intolerant" nonsense out of the way...let's start the Brit-bashing.

What's up with their pomp and circumstance?

 I don't think that there exists a culture whose very existence is predicated on fance and shmance quite like the British...and that's saying something because I'm including the French. There entire society is so adorned with bells and whistles that it's hard to see the substance through the frills. They are pretentious and whiny and look down there noses at everybody else. There is no question that the British think that they are the best...but I don't know that I have that big of a problem with that. Thinking that your country is the greatest is only natural. Americans think that way. What is highly unnatural is making sure that everybody in your country gets put into their place. The whole country is just one giant caste system with the Queen on top and some little cockney street-sweeping moppet on the bottom and everybody else is supposed to know their role in between. The sensible in American society find it ridiculous that there are people here in America who expect to be treated differently because they have money or fame. Now imagine a culture where it is a societal norm to pay deference to somebody because they're the descendant of some lord who married his second-cousin and burned some people at the stake for being witches.

What a fuckin' crock...am I right? But yet somehow being born in West Sussex or the like makes you inferior to people born in East Yorkford Hampshire. And let's not even start with University standing. I have to imagine it gets pretty awkward at job interviews for prestige jobs when you didn't attend the upper-crust universities. And everybody has titles. It's hard enough to keep up with the all the titles when we know what they mean like Duke, Earl, Countess, or Viscount. I don't even want to know what It-Girl, diary secretary, or lady-in-waiting is. I had always thought a lady-in-waiting was a girl who was in your bedroom that was preparing to have sex with you, but apparently the British think that it's a female royal consort's personal assistant.

Every culture has certain cornerstones and values which define that culture. It has nothing to do with stereotyping...they are often well-established and actively enforced by society. Some cultures value cooperation while others value competition. Some value tradition while others value innovation. Some value private property rights whereas others value communal sharing. The British value primness, properness, snark, elitist dignity, and representing your country with honor when abroad. And God forbid you violate that last hallmark of British society. When you're within the confines of the United Kingdom you can get shit-faced drunk and go to the most debasing sex clubs because that's your right as a free citizen. However, when the world is watching you had better not take the bronze medal in double sculls rowing behind Australia and Estonia or you risk having your citizenship revoked. British people are put under such immense pressure to represent the UK with class that it just makes them look uptight. The great thing about America is that we know that other countries see us abroad as "The Ugly American" and while we don't necessarily support ignorant behavior while abroad, we don't put undue pressure on our own to avoid it. In short: we mind our own god damn business.

Why does their government make no god damn sense?

Seriously. Just type British Parliament into Wikipedia, start reading, and let me know when you're confused beyond any semblance of understanding. When it is politically advantageous a party can disband Parliament in the middle of a session and call for new elections? What the hell...how can you possibly get anything done with that sort of system? You can't and they don't. Our politicians don't make much headway on policy, but at least they have the common decency to put on a show of it. At the State Opening of Parliament the monarch reads the speech from the Throne which outlines the government's agenda for the year. Now they don't go full-ludicrous and have some old bat who's just a member of the Lucky Sperm Club write it...it is written by her advisers. But that is still too ridiculous. Isn't establishing a government agenda and determining policy what the British people elected Parliament to do? But in defense of these "elected officials"...they might not have really been elected by that much of the population. In America we can only get 50% of the population to vote and we tell them over a year in advance when election day is. I can't imagine what happens to voter turnout when you throw surprise elections at them all the time because you disbanded Parliament for God knows what reason.

Much like America's Congress, the British Parliament also has two houses: the House of Lords and the House of Commons. Alright, this is already starting to hammer home the giant caste system argument that I made earlier. The House of Commons is elected by the people, but the House of Lords is just handed out either to high-ranking officials within the Church or along hereditary lines to heirs of men with proper titles. Unacceptable. Now America isn't perfect in this regard and nepotism still runs wild in politics, but we at least know how to play our cards right. Sure Jay Rockefeller wouldn't be a Senator if he wasn't related to John D. Rockefeller but at least we made him pay gobs and gobs of money to run a campaign to get his Senatorship thus stimulating the West Virginia economy which badly needed it. We didn't just hand the position to him and get nothing out of the deal the way that hundreds of British Parliament seats are handed out every couple of years. I still can't get over the sense of entitlement that the British see with being a member of the Lucky Sperm Club. In America, "Do you know who my father is?" is a line that young spoiled villains say in our movies...in Britain it's the calling card of the upper class douchebag.

Aside from disbanding the government as they see fit, Private Member's Bills, the notion of Royal Assent, and the ridiculous number of purely ceremonial votes that take place which basically allow for something that's going to happen even if they all say "Nay"...there is still another confusing aspect of government in the UK. It comes down to this basic question: "Is Scotland a country?" Answer that question. And then allow me to say: "You are WRONG!" I'll bet you think I don't even know how you answered. Well if you answered "Yes" you're wrong, and if you answered "No" you're wrong, and if you answered "I don't know and neither does anybody else"...well then I'm sorry that I prematurely shouted at you. It won't happen again. But this was a great point of debate between my co-worker Sharon and I and even when we asked the British guy who came in all the time we couldn't get a straight answer. So we eventually looked it up and found out that both of us were right and that neither of us were right. It depends who you ask. According to NATO and the United Nations they are not. However, according to FIFA and the World Cup they are (so they've got that going for them). But to counter that according to the IOC and the Olympics they are not. They have their own flag, but so does Oklahoma. And when you overlap the Scotish flag with the English flag you basically get the Union Jack.  Wikipedia refers to them as a country within a country (BOOM!, Inception!) but when asking Wikipedia to define country they say: "Commonly, the term is used in the sense of both nations and states, with definitions varying." Thanks for nothing, Wikipedia. So I'm going with the true decider of decisions on this matter: Sporcle.com. Therefore, Scotland is not a country. But America doesn't try and confuse people like this with Puerto Rico. We just say "Not a Country" and don't leave any lingering confusion.

What's up with their celebrities and paparazzi? 

Back in November I wrote an extensive expose (read as: rambling rant) on the nature of celebrity and introduced you to the Pyramid of Celebrity. Well, the British just chucked my Pyramid against the wall like British pop singer Adele does with dishes in her new music video. They shattered it. They decided that they would make their own rules regarding what constitutes a celebrity...and then they would put those people in a house together and call it Celebrity Big Brother UK. I have encountered my fair share of "celebrities" in my time and I'm not very easily wonder struck. That doesn't mean that I won't ever be. It's just that I have a different level of expectation than most people when it comes to getting wonder struck. I am not impressed that people know who you are. Meeting Taylor Lautner or any Kardashian or Larry King is not going to impress me in the slightest, because there are two ways that celebrities can intimidate me. The first is for me to think that they are very good at what they do. I would be significantly more impressed by meeting Michael Chiklis or Michelle Branch than I would be by meeting Shia LeBouef or Brittney Spears. And I would only be as impressed as I would be if I were meeting the best carpenter or brain surgeon in the state. I appreciate people who I think perform there craft well and would get generally excited to meet them. The second way to impress me is to be exceedingly physically attractive. Do I think that Kirsten Dunst is that great of an actress or that Ke$ha is a phenominal singer? Not really. They're both pretty good, but if I ever met them I might be a little flabbergasted because inside my head I'm thinking "Hummina Hummina Hummina Hummina". But now that you know what impresses Ray, let's see what impresses the Brits.

 
• Ex-husbands of Page 3 girls. (Example: Alex Reid) I'm not even sure that Page 3 Girls should be considered celebrities, but since I don't want to do anything to discourage glamour models from posing for topless photos...I will allow it. However, why does being related to somebody automatically make you the bee's knees in Britain. Sure Alex may be a mixed-martial artist but seeing as he's lost his last nine fights and never won anything of note he shouldn't be a celebrity.
• Graffiti artists. (Example: Banksy) I'm not saying that he has no talent, but I'm just saying that he uses his mystique to fuel his celebrity. I have to think that if he'd showed his face to the world by now that they would be done with him. And when that's the case I don't know that your celebrity is justified.
• Tabloid columnists. (Example: Carole Malone) Somehow somebody who made a career out of making up shit about celebrities for a living became one. She wrote for a British tabloid and then somehow jumper her way onto UK's Celebrity Fit Club and Celebrity Big Brother. Don't ask me how this happens...ask the British.
• Racist former reality stars. (Example: Jade Goody) I really do hate to speak ill of the dead, but exceptions have to be made. And I'm not alone, in a recent poll she was voted as the 4th Worst Briton on a BBC special and everybody knew that she was dying of cancer at the time. She is in no way talented. She is not pleasant on the eyes. She apparently harbors intense hatred toward people of Southeast Asian descent. And somehow she managed to turn a stint on Big Brother into several other shows for herself and her talentless family.
• Paris Hilton look-alikes. (Example: Chantelle Houghton) Apparently not only can you be famous in Britain for being related to somebody who once did something...you can be famous for looking like somebody who is related to somebody who once did something. The only thing sadder than the fact that she was on a Celebrity Reality show was that she beat Dennis Rodman. The man has 5 NBA Championships and is one of the greatest rebounders to ever play the game of basketball. Respect.
• Rappers named Maggot of unknown age. I don't know what to say. The guy's name is Maggot and apparently people don't know if he's in his mid-20's or his mid-30's.
• Antiques experts. (Example: David Dickinson) He was on the UK Version of I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here. Now I just feel bad for the British. Should we stop this post? I mean this is getting pretty bad.
• Scandal makers. (Example: James Hewitt) This is the man who had an affair with Princess Diana. And I see how that would make him big news for a while, perhaps even a name to remember. But Monica Lewinsky sucked off the Leader of the Free World and three to five years later we were more than done with her. This guy has an affair with a royal consort and close to 30 years later (really only about 20 since the scandal broke) and Britain is nowhere near done with him. He's had well over a dozen television reality appearances and counting...not including news and tabloid appearances.
• Former royal butlers. (Example: Paul Burrell) His resume literally consists of two jobs: footman to Queen Elizabeth II and butler to Princess Diana. However, due to the immense fascination that the British have with the royals, he has managed to spin this career into numerous television appearances and promotes Royal Butler wine which retails for six pounds a bottle.

• Nightclub owners. (Example: Fran Cosgrove) The guy owns a night club (or night clubs...I'm really not sure), was the bodyguard for a band called Westlife that nobody in America has ever heard of, and knocked up a singer for Atomic Kitten who nobody in America has ever listened to (we may have gawked at them on the internet). And somehow he took that and made himself a household name in Britain.
• Journalist/Feminist. (Example: Germaine Greer) Those credentials are enough to get you on a British television show who's average draw is about 10% of the nation. That's 30 million in American. So move to Britain and blog about why men suck and you to can have a television cameras on you.
• Sylvester Stallone's astrologist mother. (Shaking head.) Sad. Just sad.
• People with beehives. (Examples: Amy Winehouse and Adele) Alright, so these two actually have fame that translates to America. I'm pretty sure you've never heard of more than one of the dozen people from above. However, these two (one of whom is very talented and the other of whom looks as though God spilled a human being) are trying to bring back a hairdo that I have tried long and hard to banish to the 1940s and The Simpsons where it belongs. But hey Britain is on board so it's here to stay for now.

And I didn't even bother with mentioning all of the ridiculously popular singers and actors who can't even make the slightest blip on the American landscape. But what's ten times as pathetic as all of these non-celebrities that are masquerading as celebrities are the people who go out of their way to stalk down and harass them. I am of course referring to the paparazzi. The American paparazzi is bad. I never judge a celebrity when I hear that they punched a TMZ employee. However, they are but mosquitoes when compared to the rabid wolverine that is the European paparazzi. Those people are downright homicidal in their lack of regard for all human life. And while we're talking about lack of regard for all human life...I think that it would have been best if one of them died at the hand's of an angry fan of Princess Diana's, Jack Ruby-style, just to send a message that there is no impunity for their reckless abandon for a scoop. I'm not going to go as far as to wish for that...but it might make Europe a better place if they were made to be more cautious. They have near unlimited-means in their ability to stalk you. They get leaked flight manifests for Christ's sake. Let's do something about that, whatever the British equivalent of Homeland Security is. And the problem is that everybody in Britain gives them credibility over there. Tabloid or scandal-rag in America means cheap impulse-buy papers that only trashy people and lonely housewives buy. Out there the British make them their equivalent of the New York Times or USA Today. And what bothers me more than famous British people are the anonymous sources that these tabloids use to talk about them. Every quote that I heard from an anonymous source close to the Middletons during this latest wedding coverage was so ridiculous and spiteful that I honestly think that Kate and William should purge every cowardly friend in their life right now and start over.

What's up with the Royal family?

I've grazed upon this issue multiple times above, but there is no question that they deserve their own section for me to bitch about. Britain allows itself to pay deference to a particular family based solely upon the fact that there bloodline used to rule by the divine right of kings. I've asked an English person about this and they seem to think that the British royal family and their celebrity isn't that much different than America. So I asked for an example. I asked what the American equivalent of Prince William was in America. And I shit you not, here was the answer: Brody Jenner. So most people hate Prince William and think that he's a douchebag? They responded by saying "No. He's generally very well liked and respected." This person clearly has no clue what American sentiments are towards Brody Jenner. And I constantly hear that the monarchy is only a figure-head and that the Parliament and the Prime Minister really has all of the legislative power. That's not true...but that's for next paragraph. What's for this paragraph is that you are paying these "alleged figureheads" extravagantly with tax payer dollars. Where did you think the Queen's income is coming from? Photo ops and collector's plates? The British state pays for that extravagant lifestyle? I know that Mr. Middleton is that father of the bride, but I feel fairly confidant that he's not picking up the tab for the wedding of the decade. Tax payers are paying for a wedding that they are all deemed too common to warrant an invitation to. Hey British Taxpayers, what did the monarchy's five fingers say to your face? SLAP, Motherfucker!

Now let's talk about this figure-head status for the monarchy. The monarch has real power. A lot of it. If you read British law, the monarch can do amazing things. She's just expected never to use these powers and to defer to the Prime Minister and the legislature. These powers are just left in ceremonially. Well, I say that you had better take them out because if I know anything about international contract law it's this: If the law says that I can do something, and I do it, it gets done, whether I was supposed to do it or not. The Queen has the power to select the incoming Prime Minister. Now she's allegedly supposed to take the nomination from the outgoing Prime Minister...but what if she doesn't? And even if there is something saying that she has to...she still has meetings with the Prime Minister, at her place, on a regular basis. Tell me that that isn't undue influence on government! If current British Prime Minister David Cameron is the British equivalent of Barack Obama, then I want you to imagine that Barack Obama was made to go once a week to meet with some octogenarian lady at her home. That lady would be pretty damn powerful if you ask me.

I was reading up on the powers of the throne and their relationship just to make sure I had my ducks in a row and that maybe they weren't as ass-backwards as I thought but it turns out that they are more so. This is an official statement in writing taken directly from the official website www.royal.gov.uk: "After a new Prime Minister has been appointed, the Court Circular will record that 'the Prime Minister Kissed Hands on Appointment.' This is not literally the case. In fact, the actual kissing of hands will take place later, in Council." What. The. Fuck. Britain. Don't tell me your Queen is a figurehead. Another piece of hullabaloo that I find interesting is that the aforementioned James Hewitt who had an affair with Princess Di (even though Charles was also letting it soak in other British birds) could have been tried for treason. Really, adultery with a figurehead's consort is treasonous? And this isn't even the monarch's consort, it's the monarch's son's consort. If I were to have an affair with Michelle Obama, I have no doubt that Barack would disappear my ass using his super secret government powers. However, there is no way that they could try me for treason in front of the whole country and give me a good old public hanging.

What's their specialty?

I mentioned earlier that the British look down on every other nation as inferior to them because they are the mighty British. I said that I didn't really have a problem with it because America does the same thing. However, I think that I should have a problem with it because America doing it is justified. America isn't the best at everything...but there are many things that we are the absolute, undisputed best at and nobody from Sweden to China is even going to pretend that we're not. We are a bona-fide world superpower who brings the goods to every gathering of the World and shows what a driven, intelligent, free market society can produce. Sure the Germans might arguably have the World's best beer, the United Arab Emirates might arguably have the World's best architecture, and Belarus might arguably have the World's best pornography...but America does pretty well for itself in several important and diverse endeavors. What does Great Britain do best? Thinking....thinking....nothing? I know that they think that they do a lot of things well but that's typical British arrogance. The Rolls-Royce might be a fine car but Italy does better and when we talk about mass-producing a fine car Britain starts to suck wind. They think that they brew great beer, but just about every country around them (Belgium, Ireland, Germany, etc.) does it even better. But I think that there are two things that Brits will argue to the death that they are the best at and I will debunk those in the next two paragraphs. Those are literature and football.

I was tempted to give the Brits literature. They've been pretty good. Lots of countries have literary masters. Colombia has Gabriel Garcia Marquez. France had Alexander Dumas. The United States had Mark Twain. But Britain has had possibly the granddaddy of them all: Big Poppa Willie Shakespeare. And they've had a ton of other greats: Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Lewis Carroll, J.R.R. Tolkien, H.G. Wells, Mary Shelley, Rudyard Kipling, Robert Louis Stevenson, Bram Stoker, James Joyce, Virginia Woolf, Aldous Huxley, Agatha Christie, Ian Fleming, George Orwell...the list goes on. I think that that list just brought some of my high school literature teachers to orgasm, if my horrendous use of punctuation didn't ruin the mood. The British have done literature pretty damn well. But I didn't ask "What did the British do best?". I was asking "What do the British do best?". And in the last 50 years British literature is predicated almost entirely on the Harry Potter series. And while the tween in you might want to let them keep the title for that alone...I don't know that Harry, Hermione, Dumbledore, and friends are going to cut it. I know, blasphemy, right? But British literature is no longer dominant in the 21st Century with authors like Cormac McCarthy or the United States, Haruki Murakami of Japan, Victor Pelevin of Russia, and Carlos Fuentes of Mexico pounding out numerous masterpieces. You were the best Britain, but we live in a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately world.

The British might put out a collective hit on me for implying that their football (read as: soccer) is inferior on the World stage...but it absolutely is. Their private league, the EPL, is a mighty power on the world stage and along with Spain's La Liga and Italy's Serie A has to be considered one of the three best. However, it's stocked with foreign players and therefore that won't necessarily translate to success on the World Stage. America does not hang it's hat on the soccer hat rack. Basketball, baseball, swimming, gymnastics, track and field, golf, and tennis are all sports that we think we do pretty well on the World stage. England totally hangs their hat on the football hat rack. They think that they own that god damn hat rack. But over the last decade has Britain really done any better than America at soccer. Both have gotten to the quarterfinals of the World Cup but neither has gotten further. We really can't compare continental play because we dominate and inferior confederation (CONCACAF) whereas they have been sufficiently manhandled in a superior one (UEFA)...so which of those is better. They've never done anything in a Euro Cup of note. They haven't even made a final and it's been contested since 1960. They've made the finals of one World Cup and that was back in 1966. Once again, what have you done for me lately? And I don't foresee them going anywhere until possbily 2066 because Spain, Italy, Germany, Brazil, and Argentina all own England in football and the British people browbeat their players in the media until they are cowering broken shells of their former confident selves. And lay off the hooliganism, Britain. Killing people over sporting rivalries doesn't make you any better of fans and it certainly doesn't make your teams any better. It just makes you idiots.

However, I don't want it to be said that I dislike all British people. I just dislike their society as a whole. So I should probably provide some examples of Brits that I do like. 

Ray's list of approved British people:

David Beckham - He's classy, avant-garde, personable and slays the ladies. I respect him and I want to be him.

La Roux - I don't find most British women to be that attractive and Eleanor Kate Jackson of La Roux is no  different. But they rock a good jam and thus are "bullet-proof" in my eyes.

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje - He played Simon Adebisi on Oz and Mr. Eko on LOST. That equals badass. There is no way that this guy does tea time.

Gordon Ramsey - Sure I have an intrinsic problem with the way he rates food too heavily on presentation as opposed to taste...but I like the way he calls people "donkeys" when they overcook a simple risotto.

James Bond - Ian Fleming wrote the perfect spy to be something that few, if any, Englishmen could live up to. So is it any wonder that only two of the six actors to play James Bond were actually English.

Well, now that they know how I feel about them...best of luck Will and Kate.