Ray's Top 5: Problems I'll Be Needing To Work On

Before I can dive head first into this whole online dating thing, I'll probably need to shore up a few of my flaws to make me a more presentable option. I like to think that I haven't been out of the game for so long because I'm an incompetent fool who has no way with women (I like to think this). I like to think that it's more because I haven't been trying in the slightest. And that's hard to argue against. I haven't been trying to date women seriously because a good woman wasn't even close to the top of my hierarchy of needs. I've had a lot of things I've needed to work on before romance could become a focus. And you can't start working on rungs farther up the ladder until you've taken care of things at the bottom. And I wouldn't want to. My philosophy on women is a lot like that of Groucho Marx: I wouldn't want any girl who would have me as a boyfriend. I'm not in any shape to please a girl of refined taste and she better not think that I'm a fixer-upper. Because nobody, and I mean nobody, fixes me up but me. That being said, I could use some fixing up. It might surprise you to learn that I wasn't exactly a catch as a teenager. But if teenage Ray could see me now, I'm sure he'd say: "How did you make things worse?!?!? You fucking goon!" So let's get to the stuff that I need to fix up to please the ladies:

#5: Social Awareness

I consider myself to be an intelligent, well-spoken human being. When it comes to subjects like geography, politics, science, and current events...I'm well versed. However, I read body language at a third grade level. My brain does not properly sync with other people's ways of thinking and acting. Long-term pranks, cons, and plans are nearly impossible for me because predicting how other people will re-act to situations requires completely ignoring what I would do. This also means that I have an incredibly hard time reading people. And this is important in the realm of courtship. Girls aren't always as overt or frank as we men might like and taking proper care to make them happy oftentimes requires knowing what they want without them actually telling us. I lack the very fundamental ability to do that. Most people use non-verbal cues to make assessments and adjust their behaviors accordingly. The ironic thing is that I'm great at adjustments. Whether I'm bowling or cooking or working on a problem...I have a strong ability to sense what's working and make adjustments to improve my results. However, these assessments are made because I have tangible cues that I can draw from what I'm doing. I have much more difficulty finding those in people. I don't expect a girl to come along who will sympathize and just tell me how she's feeling because I'm deficient in this department...so I have no choice but to try and get better. If you're skilled in this regard, please let me know. And it doesn't relate strictly to women. I need help reading everybody, humans in general. Please teach me. Be the Obi Wan Kenobi to my Padawan apprentice. The Mr. Miyagi to my Daniel-san. The Michelle Pfeiffer to my angry black teen.

#4: Physical Appearance

Physical appearance has never been something that's been exceedingly important to me in a
relationship. I'm not saying that it's not important at all, but I've never leaned that heavily on it when it comes to mate selection. I've been more focused on things like compatibility and being a good conversationalist. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe I need to make attractiveness a larger part of my selection criteria. Lord knows, I'm perpetually horny enough that it should be a concern. Attractiveness has never been that strong of a criteria for me because I like to be realistic and don't know that I deserve it. I've often felt that you shouldn't expect from other people anything that you're not willing to bring to the table yourself. And I've never valued my own physical beauty much above a 3 on the standard scale. But I feel that a few points could definitely be made up with a little work. And I don't mean going under the knife with Dr. Troy and Dr. McNamera. I just mean putting some effort into it. I'm probably about 35 pounds over my ideal weight. I don't do anything flattering with my hair. My shaving habits are sporadic and arbitrary. And if Tim Gunn saw my wardrobe there would be some sobbing. The clothes can help make the man. I'm not a total troll, and a focus on fitness, grooming, and dress could probably put me up into the 5-6 range. Then I could hopefully harness the confidence to be more shallow and reach for more societally desirable women. I'm joking...mostly. I would never want to be in a relationship that's based on looks, whether that means my putting up with a total airhead/ice queen/sociopath because she's hot or have a girl who only wants me because I'm desirable. However, I do think that reaching for and obtaining a more attractive girl will give me a sense of accomplishment which will place an extra dimension of value into the relationship. And trying to better myself and be the most physically desirable person that I can be just seems like the selfless thing to do in a relationship. I need to stop settling for myself. I need to stop selling myself short. And maybe finally women will be able to see past my tremendous intelligence and charisma and love me for my remarkable six pack and chiseled jaw line.

#3: Dating Accumen / Rustiness

What the hell am I doing? It's been so long since I've been on a proper date that I'm not really sure that I know how to anymore. I need a refresher course. One could say that this is an offshoot of the previously discussed Social Awareness, but this is a little different. It's not about not knowing what the other person is thinking. This is more about knowing exactly what the other person's feelings entail and still not knowing what to do with that knowledge. Every girl is different. To say that acting a certain way on a date will play properly with every girl is idiotic. Women are highly complex beings and the variances between them are staggering. I whole-heartedly believe that men are less complex, but even we can't be satisfied in a communal way...no matter what bullshit Cosmopolitan tells you. However, sometimes you just have to play the percentages. There are some things that most girls can agree on as being preferable in the realms of dating and romance. And I have little clue what these percentages say. What do women want these days? Is chivalry still en vogue or is it now considered a listless display of pandering by the patriarchy? And where do women like to go these days? I hear tapas bars are popular...and salsa dancing. But will these things accentuate my whiteness? And don't even get me started on timing. How early do I show up? How soon before you can call back? Have we agreed these things are stupid? Can I just do what I want or will not playing these games hurt my street cred? Does the number of questions that I'm asking properly convey my confusion with dating ritual? I'd have somebody offer to teach me about dating, but there is no such thing as a dating expert. If you're very good at first and second dates then you haven't been on very many of them because you're able to maintain long-term relationships...or you're Rodney Alcala.

#2: Confidence

I don’t have it. At least not with the ladies. And this is problematic because ladies LOVE confidence. You put me on a bar trivia team and I possess a confidence that I’m going to smoke some jabronis. You put me at a dinner table and try to get me to lure a lady towards a second date...Yikes. I am fully capable of manufacturing confidence, but when I do things tend to get out of control. Confidence for me is a lot like shufflepuck. I hope you’re all familiar with the bar staple to which I am referring. You slide a disk across a sanded glass platform and try with difficulty to land it within a numerical zone that scores you points depending upon how close to the edge you are. If you’re still lost…it’s similar to curling. I can easily have no confidence when I’m around women. This is Ray in his most natural state. It requires no effort to manufacture no confidence. This is the shufflepuck equivalent of not pushing the puck far enough to even get it to the numerical zones…hence lack of effort. However, most people that know me in casual settings will wave this off as blarney since I often appear to be overconfident in many social settings. This is me manufacturing confidence. There is not a second of my life that goes by in which I don’t second guess myself, but I am fully capable of entering in a manual over-ride and shouting “Carpe Diem, bitches”. However, when I try and manufacture confidence we get into a very tricky landing zone. Confidence is good, and the right amount of confidence is the shufflepuck equivalent of landing in the score zone. However, there is certainly a thing as too much confidence. And when I hit the manual over-ride switch…I have a hell of a time reeling it in. That’s when confidence turns into arrogance. This is the shufflepuck equivalent of putting too much mustard on the damn puck and sailing it right off the ledge. No points for you, sir. And both arrogance and lack of confidence usually involve me trying to talk someone into thinking I’m great…the only difference is that in one scenario I believe it and in the other I don’t. Confidence is about just expecting people to believe that you’re great because you think you are…no pitch necessary. This requires a sense of entitlement that I just don’t have. If anybody has any tips…let me know.

#1: Organization

I don’t have it. My apartment is not the kind of place that I could take a girl back to on the spur of the moment. It isn’t so much an apartment as it is a “Shame Dojo”. And my car is no chick magnet either. As soon as they start filming Hoarders: Car Edition, my mom will probably send in a tape for me. I'm perfectly capable of putting on a ruse for house guests. Whenever I have people over to watch a football game or do a podcast my place is always passably clean. However, this is always the result of a good two or more hours of cleaning put in the night before and that's not something that I think I can commit to on a regular basis. I need to simply get my place clean and keep it that way through having a more structured organizational system. What's the point of having your own car and apartment if you can't use them to impress women? You may as well live with your parents and take the bus if you're not going to make proper use of what you have. The only solace a girl could possibly take after seeing my apartment on an average day is: "Well, at least his OCD is clearly in check." There is no part of my life that is organized and the many aspects of my life that have descended into chaos are all manifested within my apartment. If my calendar is still showing that it's February, how can she have faith that I'll remember events that are important to her. If I can't even maintain proper balance of my DVR, how can she expect that I'll maintain proper balance of our relationship. Ugh. Priority #1 is right here.

UPDATE: I actually have managed to keep my apartment fairly clean for the last couple months. I cleaned it out in early January (yes, this post was written in 2013) for the recording of the new blog's first podcast and the upkeep has been pretty good. I'm not going to downgrade Organization from Priority #1. I don't think that I'm cured...I just think that it's been a vigilant two months. Disorganization is like crack addiction. You're never out of the woods. You can't ever let your guard down. Not even once. If I start thinking of myself as an organized person, I'll be building IKEA bookcases with a kitchen knife because my screwdriver is buried in my closet somewhere before you know it.