October Guest Blogger -- John Durbin

John Durbin of Never Seen Lost

Hello Followers of the Hot and Bothered Effect.

As has been promised to you, once a month I will have a guest blogger from another blog come and post on the Hot and Bothered Effect so that you can get an appreciation for different writing styles, points of view, and blogs. It will also give other blogs operated by friends of mine to get some exposure for their blogs as well as exposing my readers to blogs that I like. This month's Guest Blogger will be John Durbin who operates Never Seen Lost. His blog gives humorous detailed summaries of and reactions to Season Six Lost episodes from the perspective of somebody who has no clue what is going on because he hasn't seen the first five seasons. You will see that in the following post. I do not know John Durbin and this post is simply an excerpt from his blog. Without further ado, here is John Durbin:

SPOILER ALERT!!!! This blog contains information about LOST. Not only that, but I am gonna spoil my own post and inform you that there is a killer video tribute at the end.

The movie poster for the Ballad of Sayid 

has him fighting a dragon on top of a mountain.

When I went to start last night’s episode I noticed Said was spelled Sayid in the cable guide description. Fine. I was using the spelling a college friend uses, but it’s their show so I am going to honor their wishes by adding another letter in there. I’m not counting this on my ignorance tally. It’s pretty high already.

This week we’re given a nice break from all the meaningful activity on the island. Sure, we could talk about the fact that Sawyer already left. We could talk about how Jack and Hurley are with Jacob and that Jack is clearly the frontrunner in Bachelorette: Maiden Voyage. Perhaps we could discuss Jin’s current status since when we last saw him he was severely wounded with Claire. Or maybe, just maybe, we could spend 50 minutes learning Sayid is a bad person. We’re going with the last one. Not my choice. I only suggested it because I was running out of other ideas. But, as mentioned above, not my show. So on to the Ballad of Sayid…


Overall What is Happening
This week’s episode was a great example of why dominoes are so awesome but also don’t seem worth the trouble. The last ten minutes are nothing but action with the Sad Day Monster going into Raincloud Mode and bustin’ skulls. There was adventure, murders (one sad, one not), and intrigue. The problem is it took 350 minutes (including ads) to get to this 10. It’s like setting up dominoes. You spend all that time and energy setting something up, you push the first one and then 10 minutes later your hours of work are over. Just remember to record it so you can put it on Youtube.

The island makes sense this week. Sad Day Monster gets to the temple, uses Claire and Sayid to deliver his message then delivers on his promises to beat the bag out of everyone. That’s how you get stuff done.
I think I covered this already, but Sayid is a bad person. We get to learn this on land and… well… land since I guess the island is land. In Snoozeville and on the island is more accurate. We learn this through his repeated thirst for blood and get to see him turn into a killing machine.

More Detailed Episode Recap

Sayid's niece and nephew also found this in his suitcase.

In civilization, Sayid takes a cab to his bro’s house (Omar). Because he loves awkwardness and hates the bonds of marriage, he brings his sister-in-law (Nadia) flowers. Everyone is enjoying a nice family dinner when Sayid’s niece and nephew misbehave, nag him for presents, and are excused from dinner so they can get their presents from Sayid’s stuff in the next room. While at dinner, Omar gets a phone call and declares dinner is over. Seems a little unfair that he gets to make those decrees, but it’s his house. Nadia and Sayid talk about some letters she sent him. Impeccably timed, the kids finally return with boomerangs. I don’t know why it took them so long to find those, but it did. And while they were snooping they found a picture of Nadia in Sayid’s bag. Between the kid’s rudeness in going through someone else’s things, Omar’s dictating meals, and Nadia and Sayid trying to get freaky, I think we can safely say this is a broken home.
That night Omar sneaks up on Sayid while he is sleeping on a couch despite the fact that the house is pretty well sized and they probably have three unoccupied bedrooms. Omar took out some loans from some dude and now that dude is demanding a monthly fee even though Omar has paid them back. Sigh. C’mon, Omar. You’re better than that. Omar asks Sayid to go rough up the guy Omar borrowed from. OK, maybe Omar isn’t better than that. Sayid says no thanks, he is not that man anymore. Now he is just the kind of man who tries to sleep with his sister-in-law.

Sayid walks the kids to the bus stop so he can get the inside scoop on their mom and whether she is interested. They say “for sure”. Meanwhile, Omar gets beaten up by the loan sharks. Or Sayid’s goons. We’re not sure yet. Sayid goes to pick fights with the loan sharks until Nadia pleads that he doesn’t. She asks him to stay at home and wait for the kids. They just left for school so he should have a solid 6 hours of alone time to go find these guys. He doesn’t though. Instead he takes his rage out on the various vases they have in their home and then blames the kids for it.

Sayid is gluing one of the vases together when Nadia gets home. She says that Omar is out of surgery and awake. A perfect time to leave someone alone at the hospital with nothing to do. We learn that Nadia is all about Sayid’s vibe and Sayid pushed her away to his brother (probably a fetish). He says it’s because he doesn’t deserve her. His brother, the guy who borrows money from thugs and tells her when to stop eating, however, does deserve her.

The next day Sayid is minding his own business when some guy approaches him. Sayid is reluctant to go with him, but then the guy threatens him in a foreign language and so he agrees. We could have all saved some time if he just spoke the foreign language in the first place. They get to a kitchen in a restaurant where a dude in a pinstriped suit is making eggs. He is best described as what would happen if a used car salesman stereotype and Tony Robbins had a baby. Being polite he offers Sayid some eggs and even offers to poach them (no easy task). These two have an exchange where we find out Martin (egg guy) put Omar in the hospital. They also talk about how Sayid is from Iraq. Oh.

Sayid goes all ninja on the goons and kills them. Then he stares down Martin who says the debt is forgiven. Sayid says “no dice” and shoots him in the chest. Finally someone uses some common sense and kills the head goon without hesitation. Good work Sayid. The one thing I would change is after shooting him you should have said “I’ll take those eggs now” and started eating the eggs Martin made. Or he could have said “Your eggs are just like you, a bit runny.” That would have showed him.

Oh yeah, and Sayid finds Jin in a freezer tied up and not speaking English. It’s never brought up again, so I am going to only acknowledge it happened and move on.

Back on the populated island, Sad Day Monster and Claire make it to the temple. He promises Claire her son back if she goes to the temple for him since he can’t.

Sayid asks Toga what happened. They gave him a test to see if he was good or evil and it turns out he was evil. They get into a fistfight that blatantly uses stuntmen. It reminded me of something you would see in Cowboyland at an amusement park. Case in point, Toga tries smashing Sayid with a heavy stone thing, Sayid defends himself with a broom. But the broom snaps completely through which means if Toga had been trying to force the stone through, he would have succeeded. Anyway, Toga’s baseball falls on the ground. He remembers that it is the start of spring training and far be it from him to deprive anyone a full summer of baseball. He decides to ban Sayid instead.

In the courtyard, there’s a little chit chat about Sayid coming back to life and how 2 hours had passed since being drowned in the hot tub. Everyone was surprised and it wasn’t Toga’s buddies who brought him back to life. zzzzzzzzzz… huh? what? Oh, that’s over? Good. Nodded off there.

Miles and I are celebrating our new friendship via high five.

Claire enters the temple and all the guys with guns point them at her. Translator says “don’t shoot her”. I don’t think they were planning on it, chief. Claire gets all up in Toga’s grill. They argue about leaving the temple and Toga will get killed if he does. Toga, in non-english, instructs the translator to “Put her in the hole until he is ready for her.” I don’t know about the language choice, Toga. If I was talking to a dude who looked like Translator I would be careful about using the words “hole”, “put”, “in”, and “her” in the same sentence without using English. Who knows what he heard.

Toga finds out that Jack and Hurley left the temple and tells Sayid to come inside with him. Toga acts all buddy-buddy with Sayid and asks him to kill the Sad Day Monster because he is evil incarnate and won’t stop til everyone is dead. The key is to stab Sad Day Monster in the chest before he speaks. Sayid says he will do it, but only to prove there is still some good in him. Interesting theory, Sayid. If I wanted to prove I was a good person, I would volunteer to help the kids on the island learn to read. But hey, if you want to prove you are a good person by stabbing someone in the chest, then to each his own.

Out in the jungle, Sayid runs into Kate (making another cameo). She asks: “What’d I miss?” I answer: “Not much. Just a couple episodes. You should be able to get caught up pretty fast.” Kate gets back to the temple where she hangs with a dude named Miles. He must feel pretty left out so far. They talk about Sawyer and some other stuff. Then Miles tells Kate that he’s not sure what’s going on but “the blonde that had the baby is back. She’s still hot.” I don’t think I have ever related to a character more than I relate to Miles.

Sayid is out in the jungle now. Sad Day Monster (as John) approaches him and says “What up, playa” and Sayid stabs him. John stumbles a little but doesn’t die. Awk-ward. John takes out the knife and we learn that Sayid epically failed at following instructions. First, he let John talk before stabbing him. Second, he missed his chest and got him in the spleen. John is a classy dude and gives Sayid his knife back. He also tells him that it was a setup and a roundabout way to kill Sayid. If he goes and delivers a message for him, Sad Day Monster will give him prizes. Sayid makes weird soap opera faces.

Sayid gets back to the temple to deliver the news that Jacob is dead and no one has to stay at the temple anymore. There’s some talk about the temple and sundown. I didn’t know Sad Day Monster was Jewish. It’s good he has religion in his life. I honestly don’t know why people wouldn’t be excited about leaving the island and agree to it.

Kate beats up the Translator and talks to Claire. Kate tells Claire she took her kid off the island and raised him. Now she’s back on the island (?). Claire has gone completely insane and says she isn’t the one who needs rescued. That he’s coming and no one can stop him.

The Translator has gone from creepy to incredibly annoying and is flipping out on Sayid for causing a panic. Sayid goes into the temple where Toga is sitting by the hot tub contemplating if the Rays stand a chance in the AL East this year. Sayid claims he stabbed the Sad Day Monster in the chest before it talked (both lies). Sayid asks Toga why he didn’t just kill Sayid himself. Toga doesn’t answer his question but instead goes into a story about when he was a businessman. He got promoted. He got drunk. He picked up his son from baseball practice and got into a car wreck and his kid died. He was very upset. Jacob offered him a chance to save his son’s life if he came to the island but he could never see him again. Since these are fictional characters and not real people I feel comfortable saying this: We saw your son last week. He turns out to be pretty creepy. You’re not missing anything. In fact, what happened might have been for the best.

Sayid, as bored with Toga’s story as I was, drowns him in the hot tub. It’s cool though. That’s the hot tub that brings people back to life. He should be back to being pretentious in no time. At least I hope so. I was really starting to like Toga. Translator walks in and says “What have you done!” I think it’s pretty clear. He drowned Toga. Translator starts freaking out and yelling at Sayid. Predictably, Sayid cuts Translator’s throat and pushes him in the hot tub. That’s not a wound I think the hot tub can heal. Also, stop throwing dead people in the hot tub, Sayid.

We finally have all our dominoes in place. Sad Day Monster goes Raincloud Mode and starts killing everyone in the temple. Miles hides in a room and tries holding the door shut. Miles, we are what I would now define as “best friends”, so don’t take this the wrong way. But if a monster is made of gas, then holding the door closed will do nothing to prevent it from entering through the cracks in the door. Turns out Team Jacob busts through the door instead, complete with Sea Captain. They run and find a secret passage and escape the Sad Day Monster.

Meanwhile, Kate has associated herself with an insane woman (Claire) and a murderer (Sayid). They go outside where Sad Day Monster and some other dudes are waiting for them. Finally their dance crew is complete. They walk off into the jungle to practice their routine.

Thoughts I have

• Is this show about a plane crash on a deserted island or not?
• I mentioned Bachelorette: Maiden Voyage above. I Googled it and hasn’t been done. It should take place entirely on a cruise ship and have one of the major cruise lines be the title sponsor. ABC needs to put me on the payroll.
• We’re at the halfway point. Take a breather. Get a Gatorade. There are some orange slices and bananas over there. Stretch it out, don’t want to pull a hammy. Let’s recoup a bit before we finish this thing out.
• I think I underscored how upset I am that Toga is dead and likely not coming back (even though he is face down in the hot tub of life). I made a tribute slideshow to him below. I’ll miss him.

The Lush Life Chronicles - - Volume 2: The Personal Bubble

On the path to Enlightenment the Buddha stresses that you should rid yourself of worldly possessions. This is not the way of the Lush Life. The Lush Life is the Enlightenment of a capitalist society. It tells you that it is OK to possess certain things. One of the most important things that one can possess is a sense of place. This is what we who live the Lush Life refer to as "The Personal Bubble". Everybody needs a place to call their own whether they actually own this place or not. When I think over the memories of my life, the "Where" is the most vivid detail. I'll often forget "Who" I was with when I did something or "When" chronologically something happened or even "Why" I did something. But I always remember the "Where". Taking ownership of a place has always been important to people, even from a very early age. Getting your own room, your own locker at school, your own car, or your own apartment is a huge step in life (maybe even getting your own MySpace account if that's all you can manage). And as soon as anybody gets one of these they immediately go to work personalizing it, not only to represent their tastes but because they can. It's a way of saying "this space is mine".

But the "Personal Bubble" is not just about the space that you can claim ownership of...it's about all of the public places that are unofficially yours as well. Tons of sitcoms and other TV shows also represent this concept. The Seinfeld gang has Monk's Diner, the Friends had Central Perk, the How I Met You Mother crowd meets at McClaren's. Hell...Cheers did an entire television series about a special place where people hang out. They always meet at these places and they always gravitate towards the same booth. This is because these places have special meaning to them. Sure it probably also has to do with studios being a combination of cheap and lazy and not wanting to have to find new filming locations or set up new camera angles, but I think if you look into your own life you'll realize that you do it to. Everybody has a favorite bar or restaurant. Everybody has a favorite place that they like to go and people watch. And most joggers have a favorite route that they like to run. We all love new things and adventure, but these are the places that we like to go to bask in their familiarity.

And you can tell a lot about a person by the places that they inhabit. If you give anybody 60 seconds in a stranger's home, they'll be able to tell you a good deal about that person. Most people have photos and posters and keepsakes and books scattered all around their abode which shed some light on the person that they are and the person that they see themselves as. And if they don't have these things lying around then that says a lot about them as well. However, you can tell almost as much about a person by the places that they like to spend their time. If you give me 60 seconds in somebody's favorite bar I'll create a profile of the person that I imagine them to be that will probably hit who they are fairly accurately. A person's favorite places tell you what they value and what they find comforting.

Let's examine, for example, the bar scene in Mount Adams. For those of you that don't live in Cincinnati, Mount Adams is a very upscale community on a hill overlooking downtown that has a street called St. Gregory on which you can find 27 bars and restaurants. There is a bar for every type of person who isn't battling alcoholism, and lord knows that there is a bar for plenty of people who are. If a guy is going into Longworth's I know that he either likes to dance or he is looking to get laid. This is the best bar for each of these. However, he is less interested in drinking because the cover charge, steep drink prices, and slow service make it a less appealing option to get drunk than at Tavern on the Hill or at Crowley's. I know that he also isn't a big conversationalist because it is so loud and crowded in there that he won't be able to sit down or hear himself think...much less carry on a conversation. But there is a reason that it is so crowded despite being audacious enough to charge a cover: because a lot of people like to dance and get laid. Like I said there is something for everybody.

How much light a place has, whether it is open or enclosed, the style of seating, the type of people, the background noise...these all are a window into what a person values. Sometimes a person will frequent a place that just doesn't seem to suit them and their rationale is that they've been going there since they were young. This lets you know that they value family and had a decent childhood, otherwise they would likely be trying to get away from that place. Who we are is in every decision we make and this is never truer than it is in the places that we frequent and choose to associate as ours. You can even claim for your Personal Bubble places that you just enjoy visiting whenever you're in a city. The logo for the Lush Life Chronicles features me and some friends at the Cedarburg Winery. I go there a maximum of twice a year but I still claim it for my Personal Bubble. However, we don't have to have ever visited a location in order to include it in our personal bubble. We include places that we hope to go. If you peruse any person's given bucket list almost half of the items on there will likely be travel related. People have spaces that they enjoy, but any adventurous person is always looking for new ones. For some people this may be a man-made structure such as the Eiffel Tower of Machu Picchu. For others this involves the beauty of nature such as Yellowstone or Australia's Gold Coast. Everybody has spots that they like, but people who don't feel that they've found "that place" yet will still be looking for something better.

I know you're thinking to yourself that I've just run an excessively long spectrum at this point. How can the personal bubble include both the Gold Coast and my bedroom? Millions of people have visited the Gold Coast, and not as many as I would like have visited my bedroom. How can I possibly claim ownership of a place that millions of other people are also claiming as theirs? It's simple. The Personal Bubble is not about owning a place as much as it is about possessing a place. Sharing is encouraged...just like they taught you in kindergarten. Inviting other people into one's personal space is a rite of passage. You might have a special loft or vantage point you like to frequent for the view or a special coffee shop where you like to sit and think. Inviting others to share your special place with you is a big step and denotes a level of comfort with that person. People are often very protective of places that they perceive as theirs. This is never truer than the space that epitomizes the personal bubble. By that I mean the seven or so cubic feet of airspace that surround your general person and everything that falls within that space. This bubble fluctuates depending upon the circumstances. It's larger for strangers than it is for friends. It's larger for two males than it is for two females, and it also varies depending upon the culture.  Think about it. When you get on an airplane and the seat next to you is vacant, you feel like you just won the fucking lottery. You won't have some random douche bag crowding your shit. It's the same reason Jerry Seinfeld hates close talkers, conservative Christians hate grinding, and I hate being in lines. People need their space. Sometimes you want somebody to invade that space...but that is by invitation only. If somebody is going to rub their body up against yours they had better have the go ahead.

The above theory that people need their space is best exemplified by what I will coin the Ronald McDonald Theory of Personal Space. Please direct your attention to the diagram at the right. Who can tell me what this is? You in the back. No...it isn't a blueprint for crop circles. You. No...I'm afraid it isn't a piece from an erector set. How about you with the glasses. No...it isn't a molecule for a new neurotoxin that government is keeping under wraps. It's the diagram of a table at McDonald's. Thousands of McDonald's all over this great country of ours have these tables as a set up. They're really two two-person tables that are connected by a short medal bar to create one four-person table. I want you to imagine that you have walked into a crowded McDonald's. You have just worked the dollar menu like a pro and are about to take your $5 haul of a McDouble, McChicken, two small fries, and a fudge sundae to go sit and eat. Unfortunately for you this place is packed to the rafters. Every conceivable seat is taken with the exception of one table of the variety described above and there is somebody sitting at it. They are sitting in space marked with an X. Most people at this point respect the squatter sovereignty that this stranger has regarding this table and will now leave. However, you just got your car cleaned and are not going to eat in your car. It's also raining so you're not going to curb it outside.

You are going to take one of these seats that he is not using. In order to best prevent a situation you would of course take the seat with the "1" on it. This would allow you to sit down while giving the stranger as much personal space as is physically possible. Now let's make this a little harder. Let's say that there is no "1" seat. Let's say that this seat was broken off by some townie bail jumper on COPS and they haven't gotten around to fixing it yet. Do you take seat "2" or seat "3". While the configuration of the table means that your bodies will be in closer proximity if you take seat "2"...this is still the pick you go with. Yes you will be theoretically closer, but there are three major benefits. The first is that it will be significantly less awkward as eye contact can be avoided. The second is that if they get grumpy with you, you can claim that you are technically at a different table which is not theirs because you do not respect the divider bar as being part of the continuity of the table. And when they lawyer up with the Hamburglar and take you to the Honorable Grimace's court you will have a valid argument. The last and most important one is that while your bodies are closer...your food is not. If you were to sit in the "3" seat, you would have to put your food trays on the same plane and they would almost certainly be touching. Those tables are not that big. You would be all up in this person's Big Mac and constant vigilance would be necessary from both parties to ensure that the other person was taking fries from their own stash. If it came to this you might as well just sit on the floor or kick all of the kids out of the ball pit, like a crazy person, and enjoy your meal there. If you ran this as an experiment in a controlled environment I guarantee you that seat selection would go 1 then 2 then 3 in almost all scenarios where the subject how no intention of conversing with the other party or starting a fight.

So we now have a clear picture of how people feel about personal space and why it's important, but you may be asking why it's so vital that I have included the "Personal Bubble" in the Lush Life Chronicles. Certainly you think that there are other things that I could have included aside from having a place to claim as your own. I don't know that there are that many things more important. Your sense of place greatly affects your mood and the Lush Life is all about being happy and being satisfied. I have a weekly dinner party night and a bi-weekly poker night that I regularly attend. At each of these functions the location has been known to shift between friend's houses and the attitudes of the people involved fluctuate noticeably depending upon their comfort with their surroundings. I say a lot of stupid things that rile people up and whether or not I get hounded for them greatly depends upon where I am and where other people are. For some reason when dinner party is at my apartment I am allowed to say things with almost divine impunity. This stems from the fact that my place gives people a cautious vibe and mood and they respect my dominion there for some reason. When we are at Rosie's place people will pick fights with me significantly more often because that place has a very hostile and angry air about it. At Andrew's house fights are picked but they are more jovial and less mean-spirited. They are more rowdy and boisterous because we often get drunk there and the party atmosphere hangs there even when we aren't drinking. And at Amber and Trevor's pad everybody is just a lot nicer because it is so peaceful and intimate. They let things slide more often. Irregardless of where we are the host is almost always more mellow at their own place because they have the greatest level of comfort there. And since the Lush Life is about being fulfilled and "The Personal Bubble" can greatly affect mood, this means that "The Personal Bubble" is a very important part of the Lush Life.

Semantics Session: Celebrity and Pornography

This is a post that I think I might turn into a regular segment. There are too many words in the English language that we use very willy-nilly without knowing what they mean. "Willy-nilly" might even be one of those words. I'm not sure what it means. But it’s definitely time for me to again take a look at some words that people are using while not properly understanding their true meaning. Perhaps I should explain why we need to re-define the two words that are the topic of today’s session. There are few things more intriguing than celebrity pornography. Sex tapes are all the rage these days.

However, what really gets pop culture horn dogs going is when long-buried tapes of early smut films starring the rich and the famous surface. Classic. So you can imagine my delight when I saw a teaser for a story on The Smoking Gun’s website that told me a 10-year old porn film had been found that starred not one, but two, female celebrities. I wondered who it could be. What comely young upstarts had been into porn a mere 10 years ago? Evangeline Lilly and Zooey Deschanel? That would be so legal and so hot. Maybe it was Elizabeth Mitchell and Elizabeth Banks (whose real name is Elizabeth Mitchell) who each broke into the industry with small parts about 10 years ago (Frequency and Shaft, respectively). Needless to say, I was excited. I needed to know. Who are we talking about? What were they doing? How can I get my hands on said tape? So I visited the link and I cannot remember ever being more disappointed. The celebrities in question were Joanna Krupa and Sarah Kozer.

If you just said “Who?” then please join most of America in your confusion over why these two are being touted as celebrities. Now I did know who these two were because I like to consider myself a pop culture God. I am also not complaining about their hotness because I even included Sarah Kozer in my Hot 100 for 2009. This does not mean that these two are celebrities. The word celebrity implies a level of recognition that these two have not earned. I think that the word celebrity is thrown around too freely. Which is why I am going to break down for you what a celebrity actually is. Let us have a look-see:

Ce-leb-ri-ty (suh-leb-ri-tee) Noun:

1. a famous or well-known person
2. fame; renown

Yeah…this definition isn’t going to cut it. It is too vague. There needs to be rules, guidelines, and a clear-cut place where a line can be drawn. I can almost smell celebrity theory coming up…wait here it comes…The Pyramid of Celebrity!!!
First, let us break down some tell-tale celebrity characteristics of celebrity. And let’s do it Jeff Foxworthy-style:

• If you can type your first name and last initial into Google and it doesn’t auto-complete it for you…you might not be a celebrity.
• If you can consistently go out for dinner without being recognized or disturbed…you might not be a celebrity.
• If anybody who has ever appeared on the Real World is considered more famous than you…you might not be a celebrity.
• If you can't get seated right away at the Olive Garden...you might not be a celebrity.
  
• And, if you're fat and strung out and neither Celebrity Fit Club nor Celebrity Rehab would have you...you might not be a celebrity.
  

Here you can see the 10 levels of Celebrity.

The top level is the A-List celebrities. Celebrities can generally be sorted into four distinct categories: Actors/Comedians/Magicians, Musical Artists, Athletes/Sports Personalities, and Power Brokers. Here are some A-List Examples:

• Actors: Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, Johnny Depp, and Will Smith
• Music: Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Bono, and Mariah Carey
• Athletes: Peyton Manning, LeBron James, Derek Jeter, and Tiger Woods
• Power Brokers: Bill Gates, John McCain, Stephen Spielberg, and Oprah Winfrey

A-Listers are studs. You know who they are and they know you know who they are. They have the Midas touch. Any project they are involved with is automatic gold. And if they were to disappear right now, we would still remember their contributions in 50 years. This goes for former A-Listers who are no longer doing what they do. Harrison Ford, Larry Bird, Paul McCartney, and Jimmy Carter…these guys are still A-Listers and they always will be. Anybody worth their salt can spot an A-Lister a mile away and know exactly who it is. They possess a necessary swag. There is no je ne se qua about it.

The next is level is the B-List celebrities. Once again you should note a few examples:

• Actors: Renee Zelwegger, Viggo Mortensen, Kate Hudson, Ted Danson
  
• Music: Jason Mraz, Nelly, Nicki Minaj, Michelle Branch
  
• Athletes: Brandon Roy, Novac Djokovic, Philip Rivers, Landon Donovan
• Power Brokers: Mark Zuckerburg, Joe Lieberman, Peter Boyle, Harvey Weinstein

B-Listers are highly successful and require no assistance from A-Listers in order to facilitate their success. They are self-sufficient but can be hit-or-miss at the box office, iTunes, or on the field of play. It is permissible for a person to not recognize a B-Lister, though you really should know who they are. They can rise to A-List status during a particularly successful stretch but this will usually end with them reverting to B-List status within a year or so. They cannot maintain themselves on the A-List stratosphere. However, this is not true of generational A-Listers who are also included on the B-List. Generational A-Listers are people who are considered A-Listers by people within an age demographic but not widely enough to be true A-List material at this time. A-Listers for tweens and teens (e.g. Taylor Lautner or Selena Gomez) do stand a chance of rising to regular A-List status, whereas A-Listers for the elderly (e.g. Lawrence Welk or Raquel Welch) were once A-Listers that have fallen from that status.

The next level is the C-List celebrities. Here are some for your perusal:

• Actors: J.K. Simmons, Amy Acker, Gary Cole, Alan Rickman
• Music: Rivers Cuomo, Ingrid Michaelson, Hurricane Chris, Colby O'Donis
• Athletes: Shane Battier, Jeff Saturday, Samantha Stosur, Jason Lezak
• Power Brokers: Sander M. Levin, Fernando Meirelles, Abigail Johnson, Barry Weiss

C-List celebrities represent perhaps the most significant drop in celebrity among actual celebrities. Many of them have less general name recognition than D-List celebrities: the difference is that C-List celebrities are still very relevant within the industry. The population at large is less familiar with them but their names open a lot of doors and everybody within the industry knows who they are because they hold the industry together. They are highly successful and hard-working and are an integral part of the success of their endeavors but they rely on collaboration with A-Listers and B-Listers in order to get their accomplishments noticed. The public often recognizes them but not by name. They are known by Joe American as "That guy who..." or "That girl who played...".

The final level of celebrity, above the "Threshold of Celebrity", is the D-List Celebrities. They include:

• Actors: Erik Estrada, Brigitte Nielsen, Corey Feldman, Tawny Kitaen
• Music: Vanilla Ice, Courtney Love, Mindy McCready, Sinead O'Connor
  
• Athletes: Joanie "Chyna" Laurer, Jean Van de Velde, Floyd Landis, Bill Buckner
  
• Power Brokers: There is no such thing as a D-List power broker

D-List celebrities are fairly well-known but they are known more for their failures than they are for their successes. Their best days are behind them and most of them are clinging desperately to ways that they can stay above the dreaded threshold. This often involves them bouncing around degrading celeb-reality programs and trying to interest publishers in memoirs that are ten years too late to be relevant. They will never claw their way back to the B-List or C-List status that they once held, but at least the majority of the populous knows who they are. However, unlike the above celebrities...the majority of the populous also thinks that they are better than them.

There it is. The line has been drawn. We have reached the Threshold of Celebrity. If I will be discussing you in a paragraph below this line you are not a celebrity and I would prefer if people did not include you in discussions with the tag celebrity as it will only confuse me. Here are the non-celebrity categories.

The most famous of the non-celebrities fall into the category of Person of Interest. Further classifications become irrelevant at this point so here are some examples:

• Reality Show Contestants - If you appeared on Survivor, Big Brother, The Real World, or The Bachelor you are merely a person of interest. However, there are exceptions. Reality contestants can spin their fame into varying degrees of actual celebrity such as: Kelly Clarkson of American Idol (A-List), Kristen Wiig of the Joe Schmo Show (B-List), Elisabeth Hasselbeck of Survivor and Jacinda Barrett of The Real World (C-List), or Jon and Kate Gosselin of Jon and Kate Plus 8 (D-List). This is the proper place for Sarah Kozer from the top few paragraphs.
  

• Close Friends and Family of Actual Celebrities - If you are solely known as being associated with a more famous person then you are merely a person of interest. It doesn't even matter if that person is Oprah: Gayle King and Stedman Graham are not celebrities. Neither are Jesse James (Sandra Bullock's ex-husband), Elisabetta Canalis (George Clooney's girlfriend), or any of the Jolie-Pitt children. Again, you can start off in this position and then rise to celebrity. Jaden Smith isn't a celebrity because he's Will Smith's son. He's a celebrity because he's started putting out #1 films.
  

• People with Smaller Speaking Roles in Mainstream Media Productions - Congratulations on your big break. You're a Hollywood actor or actress now. This doesn't mean you are a celebrity. You might even be a relevant part of pop culture...this still does not a celebrity make. The actor who played the Soup Nazi, or the cop who got his face cut off by Hannibal Lector, or the woman who wanted what Meg Ryan was having in When Harry Met Sally are not celebrities. They, along with every other movie's bartenders, cab drivers, and pharmacists are just working actors.
  

• Celebrities in Other Countries - Just because you're relevant in another country does not mean that you are a celebrity in the United States. I dare say that in most cases you aren't. Oftentimes, you have to come to our shores and impress us here before you can claim celebrity status. Bollywood actors and actresses are not celebrities. And neither are most British tabloid fodder. Jade Goody may have been a huge deal in Britain. People on this side of the pond don't know who she is. Sarah Harding was Britain's Caner of the Year (the American equivalent of Lindsey Lohan) and has had over 20 top 10 hits on the British music charts. Well, she has no Top 100 hits on the AMERICAN music charts. Sarah Harding? More like Sarah Hardly Know Who The Fuck She Is. This is one of the two classifications for Johanna Krupa from the top few paragraphs.
  

• Second-tier Models - There are a lot of super-hot women out there who take up modeling. Some of these women become super-models. Some such as Cindy Crawford will ascend to A-List status. Many others such as Elle McPherson, Gisele Bundchen, and Heidi Klum will reach B-List status. Supermodels are celebrities. Tyra Banks and Kathy Ireland are celebrities. However, the vast majority of models are Persons of Interest. If you aren't on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue or pushing a clothing line as its cover girl you belong here. This is the other classification that fits Johanna Krupa.
  

• Mistresses and Scandal Makers - You can be involved in some pretty big stories and still not be a celebrity. Many people probably remember the name Devine Brown. She is not a celebrity. Everybody knows the name Joey Buttafuoco. He isn't a celebrity either. No woman that has slept with Tiger Woods is a celebrity. Not even Elin Nordegren under the Close Friends and Family rule. Scandals also extend to crimes. Famous criminals are usually not celebrities. Joran Van der Sloot and Timothy McVeigh are not celebrities. OJ Simpson is a celebrity but only because he was famous before his murder trial. This is somewhat of a common sense category but I think most people can make this determination properly.
  

This is maybe the trickiest category with a lot of gray area but there is one steadfast rule that you can use to definitively banish somebody to Person of Interest status. If a moderately famous person is associated with a single achievement or accomplishment and that is what you think of when you think of them...then you better think of them when you think of that event or work or else they are NOT a celebrity. For instance, Jennifer Schefft is solely associated with the reality program The Bachelorette. However, when you think of the Bachelorette...Jennifer Schefft is not the first person who comes to your mind. Therefore, she is not a celebrity. She is a person of interest. Some persons of interest may have large names. This doesn't matter. Celebrity also depends on status and renown. Others have to want to collaborate with you. It also depends on visual recognition. If somebody that falls into this pile has a face that is famous enough to be as identifiable as an A-Listers...then we can consider them a celebrity. Osama Bin Laden is not a person of interest. He is a celebrity. Although his infamy and lack of regard push him to D-List status.

Below the Person of Interest we have the often maligned Internet Person of Interest. This classification refers to people whose limited fame is valid only on the internet. Here are some examples:

• Subjects of internet memes - I don't care if they had a Web Redemption on Tosh.0. That doesn't mean they've broken into TV stardom. Anybody who has had people laugh with them or at them on Youtube videos is down in this category no matter how many millions of hits they've had. I'm talking to you Jay Maynard (aka Tron Guy) and you Tay Zonday (aka Chocolate Rain) and you Paul Vasquez (aka Double Rainbow Stoner). You are not celebrities. You are not even Persons of Interest. You are Internet Persons of Interest. That being said, Internet memes that revolve around celebrities do not demote those celebrities to Internet Persons of Interest. So don't worry Rick Astley and Chuck Norris, you're still celebrities...C-List celebrities.

• Podcast hosts and stars of web-based shows - As opposed to the above classification, I actually like a lot of these people. That doesn't mean that they're any more celebrities though. Frank Prather has an interesting podcast but he isn't a celebrity. Bill Simmons has a great podcast and online column and he is bordering on celebrity due to TV appearances. However, he isn't going to get there just be people listening to his podcast. Jessica Lee Rose is hot but the star of web-series Lonelygirl15 is not a celebrity. Adam Carolla has the top-selling podcast on iTunes, but he's only a celebrity because of his TV and movie career.
  

• Internet comedians and sketch artists - I'm a big fan of several of these people as well. Mark Douglas does a great job with The Key of Awesome, but no matter how great of a job he does or how many hits he gets he won't be a celebrity unless it gets picked up by TBS. Rachel Bloom is a great comedian with some hysterical internet videos but she is not a celebrity. She is just another Internet Person of Interest. The same goes for The Gregory Brothers of Autotune the News regard. However, they have hit the Billboard 100 charts. If they hit it a few more times and hit it a little higher they will ascend to celebrity status.
  

• Esteemed bloggers and Twitterattis - That's right. Despite the fact that I myself am a blogger, I never aspire to become anything more than an Internet Person of Interest. There are literally hundreds to thousands of great bloggers out there, but the only ones that are celebrities are the ones that are already celebrities, blog or no blog. There are no esteemed Twitterati. And Twitter followers, like Facebook friends, is just a shallow number that means jack shit in the celebrity game.
  

On the lowest rung of what some people would consider celebrity, we have the Local Person of Interest. These are people whose influence is regional and contained to a certain area of the country. They include:

• Local newscasters - Just because your face goes out on television to all of the Greater Durham area does not make you a celebrity. If nobody outside of your metro region knows who you are or has cause to care, you are not a celebrity.
  

• Local Radio DJs - While major radio show hosts in the Monster markets of New York and Los Angeles can apply for regular Person of Interest status, hosts in cities like Cleveland, Nashville, and Dallas are strictly Local Persons of Interest. If you are nationally syndicated like Howard Stern then you could very well be an actual celebrity.
  

• Mayors and Other Local Politicians - Michael Bloomberg is the only mayor who has attained Celebrity status. This is also due to the fact that he is a fucking mega-billionaire, but seeing as Rudy Guiliani is a celebrity it is likely that just being the mayor of NYC will do that for you. The ever-annoying Antonio Villiaragosa (Los Angeles), the suave Adrian Fenty (Washington D.C.), and the hostile and crotchety Richard M. Daley (Chicago) can apply for regular Person of Interest status. A Local Person of Interest + an Internet Person of Interest might equal a Regular Person of Interest. In which case Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory would also be eligible seeing as the video of his inability to throw a baseball has tens of millions of hits on Youtube.
  

• Minor League Baseball Players - Speaking of baseball...If you're not in the big leagues you're not a celebrity. This doesn't just go for baseball players...it goes for all sports. D-League basketball players, Arena League football players, Minor league hockey players...none of them are celebrities. They can either get the call up to the big leagues or settle for Local Person of Interest status. This does not apply to Major League players who are rehabbing in the minors. They maintain their celebrity status based upon what their accomplishments are at the Major League level.

The next level on the Pyramid of Celebrity is Popular People. These are people that walk amongst you and I on a regular basis but are just more popular and more in the know than us regular people. They include:

• The starting quarterback of the High School football team
• The Prom Queen
  
• The local pastor
• The owner of the local bar or popular restaurant
• The Grand Marshal of your town's parade
• The funny guy in your office

These people have no relative fame outside of the sphere that sees them on a regular basis, but people take more notice of them. They have established a small cult of personality within their community. They don't have the uber-substantial amount of charm, skill, or money that it takes to advance them further up the pyramid. However, they do have enough to lord over the proletariat that lives around them as a sort of person of power.

The penultimate level of the Pyramid is the Regular person. This is me and this is probably you. This is 90% of the World's population at least. I would say it's closer to 97% but the people in the lowest level are a little hard to count. Most people you know fall into this category. Therefore, I don't feel that it requires any more explanation.

Which brings me to the lowest level of the Pyramid: The Walking Invisible. This concept has been theorized before...most notably by Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the episode "Out of Sight, Out of Mind." I am conjecturing that there exist people who are so anonymous and so ignored by society that they now walk amongst us as invisible specters. It's a lot like that theoretical question, "If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, does it make a sound?" Well, if a person is born and nobody ever takes notice of them, do they really exist? The laws of physics state that perception can shape reality. Therefore, if enough people perceive somebody as not being relevant or "invisible"...they might actually become invisible. I thought I should watch The Invisible to better hone this theory but it was just about out-of-body experiences so that was a waste of time. But don't take my word for it. Ask one for yourself...I think there is one sitting next to you right now.

So there you have a better definition of celebrity. Any questions?

This means that we can return to our original problem and sort out the other issue that is plaguing this alleged celebrity porn film. With Joanna Krupa and Sarah Kozer appearing in a porn film together, you don't have celebrity porn but the door is still open for great regular porn. However, that was not the case with this video. This video which featured these two Persons of Interest going by the names Cindy and Regina wasn't even a pornographic film. It featured the two of them dressed as nurses tickling each other. What. The. Fuck. There were no breasts to be seen. No bodily secretions of any kind. There wasn't even girl on girl kissing.

This was a "fetish video". It was made for people with medical fetishes, foot fetishes, tickle fetishes, and possibly bondage fetishes, as the article implied that there were light restraints. This may be kinky. It may be something you don't want your 12-year-old to see. But that does not make it pornography. If over 80% of men (including me) could watch something and not be aroused then it isn't pornography. I mean for Christ's sake I get aroused when they open a suitcase with a big number on Deal or No Deal! Arousal cannot be the defining factor in judging pornography. If it exists there is somebody who has a fetish for it. There are furries out there who get aroused whenever the Oregon Ducks mascot has to do push-ups. Does that make college football pornography? The official Supreme Court stance on pornography is this: "I can't define pornography, but I'll know it when I see it." Not. Good. Enough. I can define pornography. Does that make me smarter than the Supreme Court Justices? Maybe. We need to put some rules on what is and what is not pornography. We need to properly define it. So here we go...

Rule 1.1 - There should be exposed nipple. This is the first litmus test for porn. It tends to be a good indicator. That being said, not all nipples are porn and not all porn has nipples. This rule only serves to help cross off the pretenders. The Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issue is not pornography no matter what your uber-Christian mom/uncle/teacher told you. The same applies to the above "tickle video". Since the females in question were fully dressed the entire time it stood very little chance of being considered legitimate pornography. Women can be in various states of undress, but no matter how skimpy a thong bikini might be...it doesn't become porn until we see that nipple. Also, not all nipple equals porn. Especially male nipple...no matter how wet girls get when they see Taylor Lautner's rippling chest, they still aren't looking at porn.

Rule 1.2 - In the absence of nipple, there needs to be penetration. You can have porn without nipples. Two people can be wearing shirts and hoodies, and if they're still banging like jackrabbits then you still have porn. The penetration can be oral, vaginal, or anal. It's safe to say that if an erect penis makes an appearance, or a lubricated vagina, you're probably looking at porn whether there are nipples present or not. Rules 1.1 and 1.2 are kind of an either/or thing, though traditional porn will feature both. If both are not present then there are several other qualifiers that are still necessary to establish whether it is pornography or not. If you have both human nipples and human genitalia you are more than 95% likely looking at porn.

Rule 2.1 - There has to be intent to arouse or seduce. Tara Reid, Kirsten Dunst, Penelope Cruz, Courtney Cox, and Janet Jackson have all had publicized nipple slips. Four out of five of these were unintentional and none of them constant pornography. Sure they may have turned some people on, but I have to hold pornography to a higher standard. We all need to hold porn to a higher standard. There has to be a legitimate attempt made by porn to turn you on. Just because a nipple accidentally slips out of a blouse or swimsuit or just because a fading celebrity wants to get some shock value gossip points doesn't mean that which was witnessed was porn. It's just like with murder. You need to have intent to charge somebody with first degree murder. Intentional nipple slips are only second degree smut and unintentional nipple slips are only third degree smut. Pornography has to be first degree smut.

Rule 2.2 - It must accomplish this objective on some level. It was asked earlier, "If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, does it make a sound?" Good question. I don't know. "If somebody gets naked and nobody is even slightly aroused, is it porn?" No. No it isn't. Not all arousal stems from pornography but all pornography must elicit arousal from at least 3% of the male population. If it can't deliver on that with all of the perverts that we have out there (myself included), then it has very little business referring to itself as pornography. Porn needs to have semen on screen. Not within the porn...my semen...on my side of the screen. Anything that is too fringe to produce a decent erection from 3% of the male population doesn't qualify. Of course these percentages are based on the target population. If it is gay porn it need only arouse 3% of gay men. If it is straight porn it need only arouse 3% of straight men. There is no such thing as porn that arouses women and not men. This concept was explored by 30 Rock with their "talking porn for women" but that isn't really porn so it's a moot point.

Rule 3.1 - There can't be extraneous artistic value. There are several major motion pictures that showcase nudity and sex. These pictures are aiming to arouse and oftentimes they achieve arousal. Still, they are not pornography. True Blood is not pornography. Entourage is not pornography. Weeds is not pornography. Even movies with heavy nudity such as Spun, Blood Hunter, Hostel II, and Lust, Caution are not pornography. The Brown Bunny allegedly features Chloe Sevigny actually giving a blow job to another actor, and it isn't porn. Anything that is produced for a broader audience with a plot that has grander aspirations than to sexually stimulate its audience gets a pass on being pornography.


Rule 3.2 - There has to be extraneous artistic value to avoid the porn label. There is a flip side to the coin that makes up the previous rule. No matter how artsy and intriguing the plot is of a movie whose main intention is to sexually stimulate...it is still pornography. I'm not saying that pornography can't also be art, but just because you spend in excess of million dollars, write a snappy script, and provide period appropriate costumes that doesn't mean that your porn film isn't still a porn film. The 2005 adult film Pirates was still pornography and if Digital Playground or Adam & Eve studios hire Stephen Spielberg to direct one of their scripts, that will still be pornography as well.

Rule 4.1 - There cannot be significant educational value. Every self-respecting junior high in the country offers sexual education to its students. For these sex ed classes, companies produce hundreds of sexual education videos. Many of these involve people demonstrating sexual acts. None of these are porn. They are meant to inform. Even if somebody makes one that is meant to arouse as well, if the main objective is to inform then it isn't porn. Likewise, National Geographic takes pictures from all over the world. Many of them are from African countries of native women in all their nude glory. This is not pornography. This is simply a photo editorial meant to enlighten you towards other ways of life, be those ways naked or clothed.

Rule 5.1 - There must be a human party involved. Animals having sex is not pornography. However, humans having sex with animals is most certainly pornography. Inanimate objects that engage in risky behavior is not pornography despite what the purveyors of furniture porn would have you believe. Think I'm making that up? Click HERE and scroll through a few. In case it wasn't covered under the animals clause, dinosaurs having sex is not porn. However, a velociraptor sodomizing a woman is porn. That also exists on the internet somewhere but I won't be linking to it.

Rule 6.1 - When in doubt...perform the library test. There might be some things that have slidden (is that a word?; probably not) through all of these rules without giving you a clear notion of whether they are porn or not. Take these things to your local library. Set up shop in plain sight and view them intently. Don't gauge the reactions of passersby because your local library is probably filled with prudes. Instead gauge how filthy or uncomfortable you feel when watching them in public and let that inform you on whether or not they are porn. And that's why I have a criminal record.

I hope that this has been informative for you and maybe even transformed your personal definitions of the words involved. Start using them properly and you will be doing an invaluable service to modern American lexicon. I am considering making Semantics Session a regular segment on this blog...so please let me know if there are other words that you would like me to define.

The Best Television of the 2000s: The People's Response

Last week I gave you my Top episodes of the best television shows of the 2000s and asked for your responses. Here are my debates with the vocal minority:

Ray's Top 10:

10. Whatever the Case May Be
9. The Long Con
8. The Shape of Things to Come
7. LaFleur
6. The Hunting Party
5. Through the Looking Glass
4. The Constant
3. Deus Ex Machina
2. Two for the Road
1. Outlaws

RJ's Top 10:

10. Flashes Before Your Eyes
9. Do No Harm
8. Deus Ex Machina
7. Live Together, Die Alone
6. The Incident
5. Through the Looking Glass
4. Happily Ever After
3. Walkabout
2. The Pilot
1. The Constant

Ray's Diagnosis: It seems very fitting that we should be debating the best episodes with myself having picked the ones that I picked and you having picked the ones that you picked. In a parallel of the show it seems that we are in the midst of a "Man of Science, Man of Faith" debate. You are Jack. You are the man of science. All of your episodes prominently feature major mysteries in the mythology of the show. You've included both of Desmond's time jumping episodes. You've included the Nuclear Bomb detonation and electromagnetism incident episode. You've included the episode where we learn that the Island healed Locke from his paralysis. You've included an episode where a light goes on in the hatch. And you've included the episode where we find out that Jack and Kate are off the island. Every time there is a big mystery, you are there with your scientific fascination to see where it leads. I don't blame you. This is a major part of the show. This is what keeps the proletariat coming back for more. They come for answers...they come for explanation. They have to meet their need for scientific explanation (or science fiction explanation).

And that's all good and well. I'm not here to insult your Top 10. They're all good episodes. If you had included Egg Town, Fire + Water, or Stranger in a Strange Land on your list I would be ripping it apart. However, there are no flaws in what you put on your list. All of the flaws are in what you left off of it. You can have your hatches and nuclear warheads and your tropical polar bears. LOST is a show about people. And this is what I watch it for. I watch it to learn more about the psychology of the human spirit. Call me a Man of Faith. Every episode on my list represents a major change in the paradigm of a character. In case you missed why I love these episodes I'll walk you through it.

#1 Outlaws - This episode represents to me the best scene in the history of LOST. LOST was such a stellar character-driven show because it experimented with the way storytelling is done. The reason that we all love the Season 3 Flashforward so much is because they subverted the unwritten rule that every episode, like clockwork, you get flashbacks of a character's past. They pounded that procedure into the first three seasons and then pulled the rug out on that Flashforward and we were all floored. The flashback was the easiest way to give background on these characters and show the audience where there baggage came from. They used these flashbacks to show us that Locke was once in a wheelchair, that Charlie was a cocaine addict, that Kate was a fugitive from the law, and that Hurley won the lottery with some freaky numbers.

These were all some big reveals. But some of the best reveals are those that don't come via flashback. The reason that Seasons 1 and 2 are the most beloved by a lot of LOST fans is because you were still getting to know the characters and that was fun. It's much the same reason that you remember your first few months of college so fondly or that the first few months of a relationship are so great. So I found it marginally ingenious that the creators of LOST decided to use a simple college drinking get-to-know-you game to help the audience get to know some of it's characters biggest secrets. It was a totally simple idea in story-telling but a very powerful one. Here we find out that Kate had been married and that both she and Sawyer have committed murder. It also represents a paradigm shift in the Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle. It might be the most powerfully resonant psychology scene in the history of the show. If you don't believe me take a look:

#2 Two for the Road - This episode represents another staple of Ray's favorite episodes. I love it when shows have the balls to kill off a major character or a character that most shows view as not killable. Look at my Top 10 lists. My two favorite Shield episodes feature the deaths of two of the four major Strike Team members...by far the two biggest deaths on the show. My favorite Veronica episodes feature the death of several major characters and a bus load of school children. How is that for taboo death? My two favorite Wire episodes feature some of the most resonant deaths of the series: Snoop and Stringer. But let's be honest...what Wire episode didn't kill off a major player? My favorite episodes of True Blood, Alias, BSG, Friday Night Lights, Dollhouse, House, Life, Oz, The Sopranos, Dexter, and Breaking Bad all feature significant deaths of major or recurring characters. Hell, on OZ my favorite episode is the one where they kill off the narrator of the whole show.

So it should be no surprise that I loved Two for the Road. They gave us a two-fer. Killing of one character is ballsy. Killing off both Ana Lucia and Libby so unexpectedly was epic. I especially liked the shock value of it all. They did it at the very end of the episode in order to let it fully resonate with you for hours after the episode ended. The only other episode to kill off multiple major characters "" lacked the shock value because they over-dramatized the Sun and Jin deaths and I was still too busy laughing at the irony of them turning the shows Arab character, Sayid, into a suicide bomber. I'm sorry...funny racism gives me the chuckles.

#3 Deus Ex Machina - This episode features a major paradigm shift for Locke as his faith is heartily rattled and then restored in one episode...only for the table to be set for his utter emotional breakdown in later seasons. It also marks the "more or less" death of Boone (he actually succumbs to his wounds in the next episode "Do No Harm") and it marks the beginning of the Hatch era of the show. This is the show's ultimate table-setter episode. It sets up so many future story lines. Until this episode Charlie was in forced remission from his heroin addiction, but this episode introduces a Beechcraft full of smuggled heroin. The death of Boone also sets up Shannon's more independent nature, her relationship with Sayid, and eventually her death. We get our first taste of the tail section survivors, even if we don't yet know it. And later we will find out that the Beechcraft was actually carrying Eko's brother Yemi. When we look at the dominoes of LOST and how they fall, at least a dozen major events can trace their direct origins back to Boone falling to his death in that Beechcraft.

#4 The Constant and #5 The Looking Glass - I don't need to fight for these episodes. They are on everybody's Top 5 list.

#6 The Hunting Party - We get our first taste of the Others in person. There is a clandestine meeting out in the jungle, some torches go alight, and Tom delivers his "Line in the Sand" speech. This episode also represents the first definitive tilt in the Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle. This episode tilts the balance in Sawyer's favor and we learn why Jack is so awful at keeping women (like his wife) despite the fact that he is a very attractive doctor. We've spent the first season and half learning about all of the emotional baggage that Jack and Kate have from their respective daddy and mommy issues, but now we get to see it leak out and effect their lives. We see it ruin Jack's marriage and we see Kate's need for inclusion lead to her being kidnapped by the Others and have a falling out with Jack. In the final season of the series when Jacob is delivering his "damaged goods" speech in the episode "What They Died For", it was this episode that I thought back to. These people are damaged goods. But being damaged isn't a product of what happens to you in life...it's how what happened to you in the past effects how you respond to present stimuli.

#7 LaFleur - If you want to talk about a shift in the direction of the show...this is it. We get a break from all of the drama of the Oceanic 6 and we get a whole episode with the left behind castaways. We were wondering what they were going to do while they were putzing around on the island in an unknown time and they move everything forward by joining the Dharma Initiative. We get some much needed background information on the Dharma Initiative and we see the definitive growth episode that bridges Sawyer from Season 1 Sawyer to Season 6 Sawyer. He learns how to use his conman skills for good in order to protect those who he now must lead. Jack and Locke were always so quick to snatch up the leadership roles because even if they didn't want to lead...they always wanted to be decision makers. But now with a leadership void...we see a natural leader develop. It also marks the major development of the show's best romance: Sawyer and Juliet. That's right, suck on it all you Jack-Kate, Desmond-Penny, Sun-Jin, Rose-Bernard, Sayid-Nadia, Hurley-Libby, Locke-Helen, and Frogurt-Vincent romantics! Juliet and Sawyer was the best that this show offered us and this episode was where it was at.

#8 The Shape of Things to Come - This episode was another turning point episode. This was the definitive episode in Ben's development as a character. Killing off Alex execution-style like that broke the rules of what TV deaths are allowed to do and it apparently broke some other rules on the island that forced all hell to break loose. This was the table-setter episode for all of Season 6. If Alex doesn't die then Jacob never dies because Ben lacks motive. Locke never dies either and you never get that Flashforward. Jack and Kate never go back to the island. But they don't have to because Ben never kills Keamy and the freighter never explodes...so everybody gets off the island. The string theory of this one event is infinite. It meant everything to the series. Ben is the major player in terms of events within the series. The Purge, Jacob's death, and countless other manipulations and deaths can all be attributed to him. And this was the defining moment in his motivation for everything that came after it. This cannot be overlooked as a landmark episode. And the presence of the Smoke Monster with some additional mythology attached to it have to push it into the Top 10. While I prefer episodes like the Hunting Party and LaFleur over it...this is the most inexcusable of episodes to not be in your Top 10.

#9 The Long Con - This episode was just a brilliant study in psychology. There are few things more fun to watch then somebody playing other highly intelligent people with such dexterity that they make them look like mental invalids. Sawyer so thoroughly owns every other Lostie in this episode and he does so by playing on the fears, their motivations, and their baggage. Every misstep that Locke and Jack have made over the past 60 or so days comes back to haunt them in this episode as he realizes that by playing the two biggest power players on the island against each other he can ascend to Big Bad Wolf status. He is able to set his plan in motion and exonerate himself by having Charlie be his accomplice. He doesn't need to manipulate Charlie. Charlie knows what he is doing. He just takes advantage of Charlie's lust for revenge, which is the most under-rated motivator in all of artistic medium. Much like Hannibal from the A-Team...I love it when a plan comes together.

#10 Whatever the Case May Be - Again we have a psychological game of Cat and Mouse going on. It involves a lot of players and sets the atmosphere of mistrust that future episodes such as The Long Con will take advantage of. This episode is where the castaways start to realize that they really don't know each other that well and that this can be a dangerous thing. This episode is about a battle for information. In this case it's a battle for information about Kate's past. Some people loved Jack and Kate together. Other loved Kate and Sawyer together. There may have even been some Kate and Kevin enthusiasts. However, I always thought that the best guy for Kate was her childhood sweetheart Tom Brennan. When they buried that time capsule...it was simply adorable. But she let that one get away early and the bad decisions just spiraled downhill from there. But this episode gives you a tension filled hour of her race against time and Jack and Sawyer to get into that Halliburton and control the most valuable resource on the island: information.

Well, now that I have explained my picks and you feel thoroughly shamed...let's hear what you have to say for yourself.


RJ's Diagnosis: Let's talk about why LOST is the best show EVER and these episodes are the best now available on DVD:

WHY I AM RIGHT:

1. The Constant - The best episode of television in my lifetime. It's impossible not to get chills as you watch Penny and Des reconnect through time and space at the end of that episode. It does a more than beautiful job setting up everything throughout the episode to culminate in an amazing and special event in the end. Not only is there romance, there's sci-fi, action, and it makes you think. No episode has been more satisfying than this. 

2. The Pilot - Not only had nothing been as cinematic and beautiful looking, but the story, as simple as it was, captivated audiences from the opening image... Jack's eye opens. It was from here that we knew this show was different and it was from here that this show changed television. 

Also... my second argument for this episode is this picture...

3. Walkabout - Some of the best acting of any episode in the series. We find out Locke was in a wheelchair... wow. What more could you ask for? 

4. Happily Ever After - This episode brings back the nostalgia of LOST. After a very slow season 6 start, it reminds us why we love the show. Charlie puts his hand on the window as to tell the audience that the writers still have some awesome tricks up their sleeves. 

5. Through the Looking Glass - one phrase needed, "We have to go back!" Holy shit this rocked my world... and to find out that they were flash forwarding us... damn.

6. The Incident - The bomb is detonated. Everyone is wondering what will happen. One of the best payoffs of the series. Also, at the end, when the screen goes WHITE instead of BLACK and LOST comes up. Bam! It's amazing. Gets me excited just writing about it.

7.  Live Together, Die Alone - After a long season, this episode kept us interested. With John in the hatch and Des getting blown away at then end, it doesn't get more exciting than this episode. Also, we find out that Henry Gale is actually Ben, the leader of the Others. Crap. So much goes wrong. So much to be pumped about.

8. Deus Ex Machina - The Theme of the series and the tone for the series are clearly presented for the first time in this episode. We learn what the series is going to be about and with the light coming on in the hatch at the end, it leaves us salivating for more. One of the best written episodes ever. Can't deny that ending. The light comes on. Who would have thought the light would come on? 

9. Do No Harm - A dark episode, but one of the best. A big death in the LOST world. Boon. And, how does he die? Because Jack CAN"T save him. It's Jack's biggest flaw... he can't do everything right. A ballsy episode. The main character is the reason for a lovable character's death. Very powerful and moving. Amazing.

10. Flashes Before Your Eyes - This one is just Damn Interesting. Oxford and Des is there to meet Faradey. How cool is that? We get a little nerdy with time travel talk and we learn about the constant. This is the episode all the nerds and sci-fy fans had been waiting for. We needed to talk some science fiction and this episode does it brilliantly. Also, without this episode, you can't have the best episode of television ever... the constant. 

PS - We are missing a big one... both of us are. The one where Des tells Charlie he's gonna Die... big one! 

WHY YOU ARE WRONG:

1. Outlaws (Season 1) - This episode is simply boring until the end.

2. Two for the Road (Season 2): The fact that this is an Ana Lucia centered episode is the ONLY REASON NEEDED for this to not be on the list. Ana Lucia is easily the worst character/worst actor on the show LOST. While this story is captivating, it is no more captivating than any of my top ten and Ana Lucia... while good looking... is obnoxious.

3. Deus Ex Machina (Season 1) Duh...

4. The Constant (Season 4) Duh...

5. Through the Looking Glass (Season 3): Duh...

6. The Hunting Party (Season 2) - This is a LONG episode. I will agree that the line in the sand moment when the torches light up is amazing, but that is the only good part about this episode. It's cool only because of one scene.

7. LaFleur (Season 5) - This is an interesting episode, but the reason it can't be in the top ten is for the same reason you write about... None of the Oceanic 6 are in this episode. It is interesting, but doesn't further the plot of the overall story. We are left wondering what is going on with those

8. The Shape of Things to Come (Season 4) - The best part of this episode is when his daughter is killed. Two big flaws... 1) Summoning the smoke monster is not clear. Ben goes to the bunker and does something vague. They kinda phoned it in for that part. 2) Widmore would have way more security in his condo at the end. Ben gets in too easily. If he's really that high powered and important, he'd have some security.

9. The Long Con (Season 2) - Kind of a lame episode in the larger sceme of things. Interesting tensions on the island, but who cares about his daughter... obviously he didn't, and neither did the writers of lost. 

10. Whatever the Case May Be (Season 1) - Biggest flaw of this episode - Kate and Sawyer's romantic tension. It's WAY too early for this shit... they just met and sawyer is an asshole. Also, the aunt from Sabrina the Teenage Witch plays Kate's mom... please...

Ray's Top 10:

10. Out on a Limb
9. The Ocean Walker
8. Amigos
7. Motherboy XXX
6. Pier Pressure
5. Righteous Brothers
4. Making a Stand
3. Good Grief
2. Forget Me Now
1. Mr. F

Amy's Top 10:

10. Immaculate Election
9. Storming the Castle
8. Staff Infection
7. Extended Pilot
6. Good Grief
5. Bringing Up Buster
4. SOBs
3. Top Banana
2. Righteous Brothers
1. Afternoon Delight

Ray's Diagnosis: Normally I would start this off by calling you a big dummy for your ill-advised Top 10 list. However, the problem with that is that there is no such thing as a bad Arrested Development episode...so there is no such thing as a bad Arrested Development Top 10 list. That being said...your list is wrong. The thing that made Arrested Development one of the greatest comedies in the history of television was that it was the master of recall. It set itself up for jokes so effortlessly and then knocked them out of the park. The jokes would build and build over the seasons, and as time went on the show had more and more in-jokes to work off of. However, for some reason you included the first three episodes of the series in your top 7. Don't get me wrong, they're good episodes, but they have the least amount of built-in in-jokes to work with. If Arrested Development is like farming then Season 1 is where they sew the seeds for great jokes and Season 3 is where they get to harvest them. With Season 2 being a little bit of each. I think that's my main issue with your Season 1 heavy Top 10.

However, a glaring atrocity of your Top 10 is that it totally ignores some of the series greatest characters. Are you aware that nine of your Top 10 episodes do not feature either Barry Zuckerkorn, Bob Loblaw, or Wayne Jarvis? Where is this show without the Bluth's lawyers? Only one of your episodes features Annyong. Only one of these episodes features Kitty. None of your episodes feature Maggie Lizer, Rita Leeds, GOB's wife, Starla, or Sally Sitwell. What do you have against the love interests of the Brothers Bluth. I managed to include all of these wonderful characters in my Top 10. I find this almost offensive. I included the Bluth lawyers in eight of my ten episodes. They easily get the funniest jokes of any non-regular cast member and are part of the funniest long-con joke in the show's run...30 years in the making. You also have unforgivably left out all of J. Walter Weatherman's episodes (I included all 3) and both of Gene Parmesean's episodes (I included both). If it wasn't for your inclusion of The Righteous Brothers (I agree that this is a great Top 5 episode), you would have no episodes featuring the lawyers, Kitty Sanchez, or the greatest character in Arrested Development history: Franklin Delano Bluth! How are you going to play Franklin like that?

I have to admit that I left off some beloved characters as well. By making SOBs my final cut, I have no Tony Wonder or Phillip Litt on my list. I also sadly am without Mr. Bananagrabber, Surely Funke, or Warden Stefan Gentles. And it appears that neither of us could find room for the misleading doctor. However, my list does a better job of encompassing what Arrested Development is all about. Let's take a look at my #1: Mr. F, which for reasons unknown failed to make your list. Which is ironic...because that's one of the reasons that your list gets an F. Mr. F has attained the title of "greatest Arrested Development episode" because of it's incredibly funny one-liners and call-back jokes, it's witty parodies of Hollywood movies, and it's incredibly ambitious three-pronged dialogue that it required for Rita. I'll address these one by one.

1. This episode just had some incredibly hilarious jokes. My favorite line in the history of Arrested Development is when GOB is talking about deceiving the Japanese investors by building a model town in the distance: "It will look real if you squint. God knows they're squinters!" Racist humor is almost always OK with me. Also, the Godzilla impressions that they do might be even funny then they're various chicken impressions. And that is saying something. Also, this episode featured the Surrogate, Larry Middleman, to great effect to put a whole new spin on the mistaken identity plot device that has been around since Shakespeare's time. It was brilliant. I also included four of Larry's five episodes in my Top 10 because the guy is a pro...at making me laugh. The jet pack video, the homo-erotic double talk between Tobias and the CIA agent, when the boom mic appears in the shot during Bob Loblaw's speculation that there is a leak...it all adds up to an uproariously funny episode.

2. This episode parodied at least five other films in a tremendous send-up of Hollywood. The title of the episode and the catchy theme music that they kept playing was an homage to Dr. No. Rita's Uncle Trevor taunting her with the chocolate, snapping the box at her fingers, and the way she cackled is a direct reference to Pretty Woman. Maeby's job trying to spin the film Love, Indubitably (a parody of Love, Actually) at her studio was one of her very best storylines. It also made fun of films where Americans play British people to mock the fact that this very episode had Charlize Theron (a South African) playing a British person. This was one of the best parts of Arrested Development: it's insider-skewed biting satire of industry workings.

3. However, what makes this episode the most ingenious episode in the history of the series is the way that they wrote dialogue for Rita Leeds. This was the episode where we get the big reveal that Rita is actually a mentally-retarded female. However, for the duration of this episode and the three that proceeded it, the writers need to write every line for her character to have three different meanings. Michael thought that she was a sweet British kindergarten teacher. The audience was meant to think that she was a spy who was helping to build a case against the Bluths. And in actuality she was an MRF...a mentally retarded female. Every one of her lines had to have three meanings and they were all perfectly on point. As somebody who has written for amateur stage and screen, I can not overstate how difficult that is.

This makes this episode a hell of a lot better than Afternoon Delight. Just because the value of GOB's suit exponentially increases every hour doesn't make it a great episode. And Michael and Maeby, and Lindsay and George Michael singing Afternoon Delight together is probably about the 65th funniest joke just on incest that Arrested Development has done. That was an average episode. And how you left off Forget-Me-Now with Tobias's Analrapist business cards, Franklin's best racist jokes of the series, and tons of jokes about rufalin is beyond me. "I don't want no part of your tight-ass Top 10 list...you freak bitch!"

Amy's Diagnosis: When I was asked to choose the “best” of Arrested Development, I posed it to myself as such: if I was forced to throw each episode into a fiery pit of lava/lighter fluid/cornball
grease, one-by-one, completely depriving the world of any future viewings, which would
be the last ones to go?

I can tell you right now that some of Ray’s list would be a melted goop before my top ten
even broke a sweat.

I know Ray is going to argue specifics with me: not enough of certain characters, not
enough of certain running gags, missing out on certain periods or plot arcs in the series.
And as a die-hard Arrested fan, I understand why those things matter. I love the inside
jokes, the repetition, the foreshadowing and the callbacks just as much as any other fan.
No show has ever constructed such an elaborate system of tropes, cultural references,
hidden gags and Easter Anns eggs, and it’s one of the reasons I claim it as my favorite
television show, period.

However, I think there’s one thing I love more than Mr. O’Brien: Nostalgia.

I will readily admit that my list is heavily skewed towards the earlier episodes and leaves
out some significant (and even some of my favorite) jokes and portions of the “plot.”
And you know what? I don’t care. This isn’t about the number of returning jokes, the
number of times Franklin kisses someone or the number of chicken dances performed
simultaneously in the span of 22 minutes. This is about which episodes you throw into
the fiery depths of forget-me-now eternity and which you don’t.

Firstly, my choices reflect this fact:

This show is a culture. It is a language. It’s a time and a place and a person. It’s not an
antisocial experience; AD is a means of relating to other people—and if you think that’s
too philosophical or academic of me, then excuse my English degree.

The episodes I have “preserved” on my list are the ones I’ve found most essential and
enjoyable when sharing this show with others over the course of the past seven years.
And I know I’m not alone in these choices. For proof, I give you The Balboa Observer-
Picayune, arguably the best Arrested Development website, if not one of the best fan
sites period. Hundred of users have ranked the 44 episodes (extended pilot included) by
preference, collectively charting their favorites throughout the series. Let’s compare the
respective rankings of the episodes on Ray’s list and my list:

#24 Mr. F
#17 Forget-Me-Now
#3 Good Grief
#15 Making a Stand
#6 Righteous Brothers
#1 Pier Pressure
#11 Motherboy XXX
#27 Amigos
#26 The Ocean Walker
#38 Out on a Limb
Average rank: 16.8

#7 Afternoon Delight
#6 Righteous Brothers
#4 Top Banana
#14 SOBs
#9 Bringing Up Buster
#3 Good Grief
#13 Extended Pilot
#16 Staff Infection
#20 Storming the Castle
#5 Immaculate Election
Average rank: 9.7

Six of my episodes are in the top ten, none are lower than twenty, and all are in the upper,
fan-proclaimed “better” half of the series. Meanwhile, Ray’s number one ranks at #24—
his lowest at #38 out of 44, and only three are in the top ten. My average ranking is
nearly half of his (with the highest possible average being a 5.5).

Yes, I do think this is important, and not remotely trivial or irrelevant.

I’m well aware that we all have our biases. I, for instance, am terribly biased towards
G.O.B., G.O.B.’s suits, G.O.B.’s sexual harassment speech, and G.O.B.’s “shh-shh-
shhoul-sh-shh…”, while many others prefer J. Walter Weatherman or “Franklin Comes
Alive.” I’m not entirely concerned about the difference between my picking “Afternoon
Delight” over “Righteous Brothers,” or that fact that fan-favorite “Pier Pressure” falls just
short of my list.

No, I think an essential part of loving this show is liking what other people like (which,
ironically, means we probably wouldn’t have been watching the show in the first place,
but I digress). I want to like what other fans like. That’s why I think The OP’s list is
important. I want to be able to instantly go up to someone, belt a raspy “COME ON,” and
have him or her laugh because we love the same thing. Arrested Development has its own
code and its own style of communication, and I chose episodes that I felt were essential
developers and implementers of that communal knowledge.

I don’t get that same sense with a large majority of Ray’s choices, and I do think it’s
because the list is quite light on the earlier, foundational episodes. Watching some of the
later ADs can feel like trying to have a conversation with only 5 syllable words—it still
makes sense and you appear very intelligent, but it can come off as just noise.

Don’t get me wrong; I will defend Season 3 against all haters/mole men/seals-with-a-
taste-for-mammal-flesh that come its way. It is complex, hilarious, and still very, very
smart. The simple fact is that (with some exceptions) the later episodes are far less
memorable than the ones that propelled them. They lack some of the ingenuity and
simplicity seen in the earlier two seasons, which can make them difficult to distinguish
from one another. For me and, I’m sure, many others, season three often blends into a
haze of inside jokes and Charlize Theron, serving more as a nostalgia-aphrodisiac than a platform for original content. I don’t necessarily mind this, but I don’t necessarily prefer
it either.

As such, the ten episodes I chose to save from boiling in the hypothetical cornballer of
extinction are the ones that have kept me speaking the “language” of AD with strangers,
friends and family for more than half a decade—they shape an alphabet made of fire
sales, chicken dances, “The Final Countdown,” excessive censorship, kissing cousins and
dead doves. Yes, they are mostly early episodes. But they are the episodes that inform
everything else I love about this show, and my nostalgia-bleeding heart doesn’t need
much else to go off.

So, Ray, you are free to accuse me of choosing too many episodes from a certain season,
not enough from another, of “not getting” the point of the later episodes, or just being
plain boring. However, I stand by my choices, accompanied by the preferences of the
collective AD fandom, and I feel confident in saying that my list is decidedly better than
yours. I assure you that I chose just the right amount of episodes from exactly where
I wanted; that I understand exactly why people love the later episodes, because I do
too; and that I’m only boring during sporadic intervals of the summer TV hiatus…and
probably while I’m sleeping. Which is admittedly often.

Wow. We’re just blowing through naptime, aren’t we?

Ray's Top 10:

10. Cooter
9. I Do Do
8.The Source Awards
7. Khonani
6. Believe in the Stars
5. Rosemary's Baby
4. Gavin Valoure
3. MILF Island
2. Generalissimo
1. The Fighting Irish

Will's Top 10 (10-2 in no particular order):

10. Blind Date
9. Secrets and Lies
8. The Break-Up
7. Klaus and Greta
6. Sandwich Day
5. Jack-tor
4. Subway Hero
3. The Fabian Strategy
2. The Bubble
1. When It Rains It Pours

Ray's Diagnosis: Wow. We have exactly no episodes in common. This is damn near unprecedented in the history of two people liking the same show. But as I peruse your list I can see why. There are trends within our favorite episodes and it is clear that this comes from two diverging schools of thought on what makes a great episode and the direction that the show should take in the future. Readers will have a decision to make on which of these Top 10s they choose to support but the decision is not as hard as Jack Donaghy would have you believe. My Top 10 list is like Avery Jessup. It's classy, it's glamorous, and it's full of racial insensitivity. Much like The Hot Box host it pushes the boundaries and is incredibly witty. Your Top 10 is like Nancy Donovan. It's warm and familiar but ultimately it could also be described as plain and cheap. It lacks the necessary oomph. You've got about three memorable episodes and after that most people have to go look up the plot lines. Hell...I know just about every episode and I had to look up which one Secrets and Lies was. Any episode whose best plot arc is Frank and Toofer is not an episode worth of a Top 25...much less a top 10. But it's not fair for me to just make these blanket statements. I think we all need some examples of how our values differ. So here goes:

My episodes feature substantially more one-shot guest stars. My episodes feature: Wayne Brady, Nathan Lane, Carrie Fisher, Matthew Broderick, Oprah Winfrey, Steve Martin, Matt Lauer, LL Cool J, Molly Shannon, Paul Scheer, John McEnroe, Will Forte, and Ghostface Killah. I also included just about every Liz boyfriend and Jack girlfriend including Jason Sudekis, Dean Winters, Jon Hamm, Michael Sheen, Matt Damon, Emily Mortimer, Selma Hayek, Edie Falco, Julianne Moore, and Elizabeth Banks. Yours are decidedly less reliant on one-shot guest stars but very heavy on certain guest arcs. Specifically, you're a big fan of Dennis Duffy (Dean Winters) and Drew Baird (Jon Hamm). I've never been a big fan of either of these two. I never thought they worked with Liz for different reasons and I always just saw Ryan O'Reilly from Oz and Don Draper from Mad Men pretending to be Liz's boyfriend. I have always found Jack's relationships to be much more interesting.

But now we're hitting upon our main point of dissension. Your episodes are all about Liz. Most of these episodes feature Liz heavy plotlines. She is the main character but she isn't the driving force of the show. For as screwed up as she seems to be...she is this show's straight man. Seinfeld was a great show, but people didn't watch it for Jerry. Sure there are purists who consider Jerry and his "A" plot lines to be the best. But when you're referencing a great Seinfeld episode you always do so by referencing what George, Elaine, or Kramer is doing. Jerry is just the glue that holds the crazy together. So it is with Liz Lemon. When you look at my favorite episodes you can't focus on the "A" plot lines and what Liz is doing. You have to look deeper.

• I don't like the Fighting Irish because Liz tries to use her new-found power to make things "look up for old Liz Lemon". I like it because Jack and his clan name their fists, get drunk, and try to con each other. 
• I could care less about Liz's relationship with Gavin Valoure in the episode of the same name. I love it because Tracy is using a Japanese sex doll to "remain convincingly un-Menendezed".
• I don't give a damn about Liz meeting Orca (Oops, I mean Oprah) on a plane. I just couldn't stop laughing in that episode when Kenneth tried to choke himself out with a belt to save the other people in the elevator because it wouldn't succumb to Jack's concept of "white man's burden". 
• And I surely don't care about Liz's attempt to adopt a baby in Rosemary's baby...I love that episode for Jack's performance during Tracy's therapy session in which he imagines Tracy's family as the cast of Good Times. 

Hopefully, you're getting the picture here. What Liz is doing is secondary. She's a great character and you can't do the show without her...but she's a facilitator. You should also have noticed from these examples and by looking at my Top 10 what kind of humor I value above all others. That would be racist humor. Here are some examples:

• The Fighting Irish - More ethnicist humor as every negative Irish stereotype (many of them totally true) are shoved down your throat.
• The Generalissimo - A hilarious send-up of Puerto Rican culture. They do just go to McDonald's and order coffee. I've seen it. 
• MILF Island - Not extremely racist aside from pointing out that since the winner of MILF Island was black she couldn't have a regular name...it had to be pronounced De-Boar-uh.
• Rosemary's Baby - Jack's portrayal of Tracy's family
• Believe in the Stars - Jack explaining "white man's burden" and Jenna in black face
• Khonani - Tons of Southeast Asian stereotypes
• The Source Awards - How did the NAACP not boycott after this episode?

 I love any episode that pushes the boundaries or that is subversive and many of these were. Khonani slams NBC for it's handling of the late night situation. Believe in the Stars mocks American values and our caste system. Cooter slaps the whole Bush administration across the face. What's not to love about that? Taking pot shots at the muckety mucks is what makes 30 Rock the most fearless and wittiest show on television. It's not about Liz's inability to secure a man or a delicious sandwich.

Will's Diagnosis: As any educated man, woman, or household pet knows, 30 Rock is probably the funniest show on Television these days. (In contention is A&E’s “Intervention,” but that often goes sour after 30 minutes or so) While other shows have declining market shares like Michael Vicks’ dog walking service, 30 Rock still kicks ass season after season. Of course no show is perfect and some episodes shine less brightly than others. You can imagine my surprise when I found those episodes in Ray’s top 10. Let me take you through a brief stroll of why Ray’s opinion quite frankly sucks on occasion.

“The Fighting Irish”

Compiling a list of my 10 favorite episodes of 30 Rock was not easy. What was easy was leaving off “The Fighting Irish.” I liked this episode slightly more than I enjoyed this week’s live episode. Three things stick out that make this one of the lamest episodes ever.

First: Lemon Light

The greatest content of the television show comes from the browbeating of Tina Fey. When everyonehas to be nice to Liz terrible things happen. Frank wears a lame hat. Worst of all, Cerie wears a puffy jacket outdoors and a sweater indoors. A sweater!

Second: Lame Fist Names

Now I understand that Nathan Lane is called upon for having poor fist names, but every fist fell short here. A fist deserves a real name like The Jackson 5 or Rudy (as in Giuliani or the Notre Dame movie character – the ambiguity is part of the intrigue)

Third: Jack the Omniscient

No one pulls a fast one on my boy Jack; especially not Max Bialystock, who couldn’t even trick some foolish investors back in 2005.

“Believe in the Stars”

If there is one person who can make any subject less appealing its Secretary Treasurer Timothy
Geithner. If there are two people, its big Timmy and Oprah.

Exhibit A: Planet Earth was a huge success in both America and the UK. With the option between the

voice of alien slayer Sigourney Weaver or pussy slayer David Attenborough you really can’t go wrong. A few years later Discovery tries to rebirth the cash cow with a new voice. The last person I wanted to have narrate a lion mercilessly hunting down some foolish gazelle is the woman who tried to tell me to read White Oleander and how to have a better sex life after menopause. Though, Oprah and the lion do have similar dining fashions.

Unlike Liz Lemon, unfortunately, I was not under the influence of enough narcotics to enjoy Oprah’s appearance on my beloved show. Beyond that, apparently these days Oprah is even hefty enough to fill the African American quota for the show in order to bump Dot Com and Grizz to a measly 5 seconds and 2 lines. Even my beloved Cerie was scuttled off the screen to visit a mall after hearing about “Oprah’s” favorite things of the year. Imagine what she could have been doing/wearing otherwise. If she had come back wearing a sweater-cape I probably would have killed myself. The only exciting part of the episode is when Oprah turns out not to be Oprah but some other overweight girl who solves everyone’s problems. But right as your dick is good and teased thinking that you won’t have to see Oprah again until you come across her magazine in a trash can, they throw her back in before the closing credits. Woof.


“Khonani”

Let us revisit the principle of “Jack the Omniscient.” In true 30 Rock fashion, Jack would either have both Avery and Nancy or just Avery. There would be no difficult decision making process. Fine wine ages to perfection, Irish women from Boston do not. They age more like bread. Not good enough? How about this: You are choosing between two women and one gives you a pint of your favorite hometown ice cream and the other breaks into Ronald Reagan’s pyramid and steals the cufflinks he is buried in to give to you. Based upon the hardship of procuring these gifts, which do you think is willing to do more in bed? Case closed.

Another problem with this episode was that it paid far too much attention to the “Tonight Show” host wars in a fashion that I didn’t find to be too impressive. Instead of actually having the lovely Elizabeth Banks and the notably less lovely Julianne Moore, we get headshots and two bickering Indian janitors.

The major conflict of the show was also wildly unrealistic, as Liz would never be out late enough to find her coworkers mingling without her. She would be either watching the Food Network or working on her night cheese.

Please note that this was the only episode written exclusively by Vali Chandrasekaran and I say he writes no more.

In conclusion…

A great mistake in compiling your list of favorites was not taking the time to update it for Season 5.
Fantastic episodes like “The Fabian Strategy” and “When it Rains it Pours” beat the pants off the likes of these previously ridiculed shortcomings. Other episodes in your list were more honorable, but still flawed. Jon Ham, my boy, has made a number of appearances and all of them glorious, but to say that his introductory role in “Generalissimo” was greater than that of “The Bubble” is just wrong. Also, how one who has watched 30 Rock could possibly leave out Dennis Duffy the Beeper King AND Subway Hero…well I am just at a loss for words.