Better Know a Ray's Friend: Alyssa Sullivan

As was mentioned in this blog's introduction, I will be having Stephen Colbert interview one of my friends every quarter so that you can better know them. This is meant to be much the same as when he allows you to better know a district. And yes, I am aware that my lead-in graphic is from the Colbert Report's Threat Down segment and not Better Know a District. So without further ado...

SC: Hello Nation. My guest today is an '08 Xavier grad and a current teacher from Grosse Pointe Blank, Michigan. Please welcome Alyssa Sullivan. If everybody is settled I will continue with the better knowing. Alyssa, Thank you for being here. When did you first meet Ray O'Brien and what were your first impressions?

AS: I honestly don't remember the first time that I met Ray O'Brien... I'm sure it was Freshman year of college and probably in Buenger Hall. I had heard of him before hand and had assumed that he lived in the dorm (I later found out that he did not). My first impression was that he was tall, kind of loud, but outgoing with a good sense of humor, even if some of his jokes made me feel somewhat uncomfortable.

SC: This makes sense. Most people dislike Ray when they first meet him. Others need to get to know him a little better before they start to dislike him. What kind of jokes would he spout that would make you uncomfortable? Racist, Sexual of Just Terribly Unfunny? Any examples?

AS: Some of the racist ones went a little far. But the more I got to know him, I swear he made sexual jokes and references around me just to make me uncomfortable (i.e. the naming of mine and Rosie's boobs during Kings).

SC: Are you telling me that you don't name your breasts? I thought all C+-cupped girls named their breasts, just like all Irish people name their fists.

AS: I don't really even have words for this question.

SC: Kings, I am assuming, is a drinking game. Which, I presume, makes you a drinker. Have you ever done things that you would now consider regrettable while drinking? And if so, do tell?

AS: Ummm. I'm pretty sure I made some regrettable decisions in college, but anyone who I am comfortable with knowing those stories, already does.

SC: Fair enough. Contrary to your remembrances, the first time Ray saw you he was one of about three spectators attending a Xavier University rifle match...one of the truly underrated spectator sports. Do you still shoot off some rounds now and then, or have you hung up your old boom stick for good?

AS: I completely forgot about the rifle match! I actually have not picked up a gun since I graduated. There have been a couple times that I've thought about it, though. So maybe some day I will shoot again...just for fun though.

SC: Speaking of shooting, Ray has been trying to put together a game of jet ski paintball. He wanted me to ask you if you ever plan on returning to Cincinnati for a visit, or if you are open to the practice of people coming up to whatever God-forsaken corner of the Rust Belt you inhabit these days, to visit you? Also...he wants to know: Are you game for jet ski paintball?

AS: I have been visiting Cincinnati about once every other month! I'm definitely up for another visit and have been trying to convince people to visit me in MICHIGAN since Freshman year. I'm moving next month but any time after that I would love some visitors! And Jet Ski Paintball??? Is that pretty much what it sounds like? I'm great with the jet ski part, and have always wanted to try paint ball, but the two together? I think I'd have to see it before trying. If anybody would ever visit me in Michigan, I have two jet skis we could use!

SC: You don't need to emphasize MICHIGAN. I know where you live and I know where the Rust Belt is...I just didn't know how many of the words in Grosse Pointe Parke needed an "e" at the end. Ray is seriously considering a visit. Other than you and your jet skis, what does Michigan have to offer him, or any of us for that matter? ...But specifically Ray.

AS: Ummm...Michigan has lots of lakes, which are great for boating and water sports in the summer. And the fall is gorgeous, especially up north. The winter is fun for skiing, snowboarding, and skating. Ray...he's a sports fan, and despite some rough seasons Detroit is a great sports town! He should come and watch the [Red] Wings, or perhaps see Denard Robinson's amazingness in person.

SC: You've made multiple Detroit sports references last question. So I ask...what was the bigger officiating travesty: Jim Joyce's blown call during Galarraga's perfect game or the disallowed touchdown catch in the Lions game against the Bears this weekend [Sept. 12th]? And furthermore, why do you think referees hate Detroit?

AS: The Lions touchdown call was a heartbreaker simply because the Lions don't win too many games. So that was harsh. I have to say though, the Galarraga call was worse, in my opinion. Jim Joyce felt so bad and Galarraga was such a good sport, but that must have been awful for him. I think that pitching a perfect game is a lot more impressive than winning a football game, even if it is the Lions who are playing.

SC: Normally this would be a no-brainer, but I asked because in the last two years [Interview on Sept. 15th] there have been three perfect games and only two Detroit Lions wins. Speaking of teams who can't win...Ray's broomball team is tremendously bad. As a hockey aficionado, do you have any advice for them or would you be willing to coach the team for a nominal fee?

AS: I have never played broom ball and always wanted to! Since I've never played I'm pretty sure I wouldn't make the best coach. If it is anything like hockey then my advice would be to watch a few Red Wings games. Every season I think Mike Babcock should be up for the Jack Adams Award.

SC: So, I hear that you are doing your duty and schooling America's youth. Based on your observations and experiences, do you think that there is potential in today's young Americans or are we on the verge of a most disappointing generation?

AS: Definitely potential! I love that every day with my job I get to see children learning something new. Since the children that I work with are so young, they are still excited about learning and love showing off their new skills. I also think that I have the next Landon Donovan at my center. He may be three [years-old], but he is one skilled soccer player.

SC: You made mention of a move coming in the next month. What is this new living situation? Do you have a roommate? A live-in boyfriend?

AS: Roommate. One of my very good friends from high school.

SC: You aren't getting away with single sentence answers. Tell us more about this roommate? Her name? Her personality? Why she is better or worse than past roommates?

AS: Her name is Rachel and she is friendly, out-going, and very easy to get along with. I've had great roommates in the past, but I'm very excited to live with Rachel because I think that our personalities are very compatible and we have a lot of the same values and priorities.

SC: What are some of these values and priorities you speak of? Doing her dishes? Keeping the bathroom clean? Not bringing home guys like Ray?

AS: Generally being respectful of one another. Cleanliness is a huge priority in my book, too. I don't care what her bedroom looks like, just as long as the kitchen and living areas are always clean. Rach is also the type of person who, if I have an early meeting at work, she would never keep the TV on at full volume. And I think I would be just as courteous.

SC: What is your idea of the ideal man both physically and mentally/emotionally? ...And you can't just say "Andy Busch".

AS: Ummm...Andy Busch is the answer though. Honestly, I don't know that I have an "ideal" man. When it comes down to it, they just have to be a good person. Physically, to be honest, the thing that I find most attractive is a great smile.

SC: How are the fellas of the Motor City treating you?

AS: Let's just say that I'm ready for my move.

SC: All right Alyssa, enough with the soft balls. Would you like moral conundrums or sex questions?

AS: Moral Conundrums.

SC: You are celebrating your wedding aboard a huge cruise ship. All of your family and dearest friends are on board. The ship hits an iceberg and is going down. There is only one life boat and anybody who isn't on it will surely die. The life boat only has eight spots and you and your groom are going to occupy two of them. The groom's guests are on the other side of the boat and are beyond saving. Of your guests...who are you selecting to save with the six other spots?

AS: My mom, dad, two sisters, brother, and god-daughter.

SC: That seemed fairly easy. Don't worry. If any of your close friends or other relatives ask why you let them die a cold, watery death, just tell them that they weren't invited to the wedding. That should make them feel better.

AS: That was my plan! I have always wanted a small wedding.

SC: Next moral conundrum. If you could attain the life of your dreams by stomping a little girl's pet kitten to death before her crying eyes every Christmas Eve, would you do it?

AS: No! I could never do that. My sister accidentally stepped on our pet hamster when I was five and I'm still not over it.

SC: Is this because you don't want to make children cry or because you don't want to kill a kitten?

AS: That would be both. I don't want to make a child cry and I don't think I could ever kill a kitten.

SC: What makes you so sure that your sister stepping on that hamster was an accident?

AS: It completely was!! She cried afterwards.

SC: Would you kill the kitten if I told you that your wedding cruise wouldn't go down if you did?

AS: Yes. I think that if I could save everyone on the wedding cruise I would probably sacrifice the kitten. What creepy questions!

SC: Expect angry letters from PETA. If you could perform one miracle...what would it be?

AS: That's a tough one...I'll get back to you.

SC: You and Ray have exactly 100 Facebook friends in common. This is an unlucky number to have. If you had to de-friend one of these friends, who would it be?

AS: Hmmm. Maybe Nick Rosati. His song lyric status updates are always in my newsfeed and 99% of the time I don't recognize the song. That would be pretty annoying.

SC: So...how about that miracle?

AS: I still haven't thought of one.

SC: Are there any questions that you wish that I would have asked, anything that you want to share with Ray's readers, or anything that you just want to get off your chest (or get off Cagney and Lacey as Ray is calling them these days?

AS: Not that I can think of.

SC: All right. Thank you for your time. I'm Stephen Colbert and this has been Better Know a Ray's Friend. That's one down and 874 Facebook-official ones to go.