The Perfect Woman (Part II)

15. The taller...the better. This isn't a particularly important requisite because I am attracted to tons of shorter girls. However, my ideal girl would have to be about 6'2". This is part of the reason that I am wildly attracted to volleyball players. The average height for a woman in the United States is 5'3.8". Sixteen of the twenty girls in my upcoming Top 20 are over this height with twelve of them clocking in at least 5'8". Sadly, only one of them (Ke$ha) is taller than me, but girls that tall are hard to find. Many guys I know can't date a girl who is taller than them. I think it offends their manhood on some level. I don't have this hang-up. I want her to tower over the other girls. There are pros and cons to being tall, but for me it's almost all pros. Since we're talking about physical attributes, and thus by association about sex, height provides a girl with leverage and durability which can both be important in the sex game.

A fine woman needs to be examined from head to toe. You need to drink her in like a fine wine. A tall woman gives you more to drink. I prefer my wine glass to have some drink in it. If she's 5'0" then that really isn't much of a scan. As you'll find out further down the list: I'm a leg man. I'm a big fan of calves and thighs. I like them well-toned and I like them long. I would say that 6'2" is ideal, but I don't have a problem with taller. There might be such a thing as too tall but by that time it's Tokyo that should be worried...not me.

14. I like cute, as long as it's not immature. There is a difference between hot and cute. I'm a big fan of both. The difference is that every guy likes hot, only some like cute. Let me illustrate the difference: Reese Witherspoon, Rachel Leigh Cook, and Kristen Bell are all hot...but they are also cute. Tricia Helfer, Ali Larter, and Ke$ha are hot...but they are not cute. Cute implies that somebody is an ingenue. They have to have some semblance of girlish innocence to them. They can't be a vixen. I like cute, but I don't want to feel like I'm dating a young girl. I want to date a woman...a young woman, but a woman nonetheless. For many guys my age, the lusting begins at 18. I like to give girls an extra year or two to get the stank of childhood off of them. The lusting starts for me at 20...and by this time I have to hope that she is fully mature. If she's wearing anything with Hello Kitty on it I might have to start walking in the other direction.

I want the kind of cute that says "I'm wholesome." Not the kind of cute that says, "Physically I'm 22, but mentally I'm 16". I just stated in my last point that I would like a girl who is 6'2". Some might feel that this goes against the "cute" mold because cute girls tend to be pint-sized. This is not true. Cute is 95% in the face. Sometimes cute can be manufactured but part of it has to be natural. A good amount of cute is in the hairstyle...this aspect can be achieved by almost any girl. It also requires a lack of make-up as lipstick and eye liner lend themselves more towards the sultry vixen look. The cute facial structure requires three very important features. It requires very bright, wide eyes that are usually blue. It requires delicate well-rounded cheeks that often have dimples. And it requires small, non-prominent lips with a great smile. This is the cute that I am looking for. I'm not asking you to make yourself look younger...so ditch the double ponytail.

13. I appreciate classy tattoo selection. Tattoos are sexy. Not every tattoo is sexy and not every woman with a tattoo is sexy. But if certain stipulations are met then tattoos can make any girl sexier. Tattoos can also provide you with a window into the soul of their owner. Tattoos are incredibly revealing about a person. Just that a person has a tattoo tells you a lot about them. What they have and where they put it give you even more information. However, tattoos can also be a way to maintain any lie about yourself that you so desire. If a guy or girl wants to impress a mate with their intelligence they might leave a Leo Tolstoy book or a completed Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle on the coffee table when they invite them over. Well, a tattoo can be that Tolstoy book. Whatever you want somebody to believe about you, just tattoo it on and they'll believe it. But most people don't get tattoos for other people. They get them for themselves. So, tattoos are a great way to tell what people value or what has happened to them in their lives.


I don't want a girl to just have walked into a tattoo parlor and inked herself with the first thing that she saw. I want her to tell me why she got the tattoo that she got. It should have meaning to her or at least be something that she picked out before she went to the tattoo parlor. It also matters where she puts it. A lot of people refer to a lower back tattoo as a "Tramp Stamp". See also:  Ass Antlers, Slag Tag, or Panama City License Plate. This is meant to insinuate that if a girl has one, she is promiscuous. We call these people "haters". The lower back is a perfectly reasonable place to put a tattoo. However, there are certain places that are not. For example, the face. No thanks, Mike Tyson, this is not a trend that should catch on. A person is more than their tattoo, however, if the tattoo is on their face then they kind of aren't. Putting one on prominent sexual real estate such as a breast or on the vagina is also frowned upon. It could be distracting and any tattoo that is only meant for sexual partners doesn't need to be purchased. The back and limbs are where the prime tattoo real estate is. Concealing a tattoo in order to be professional is a wise decision but it shouldn't be too well-concealed or else why did you get it? Think before you ink...and ink sexy.

12. I like a girl who is orally active (and who smiles). There are people who have what is called an oral fixation. I have a fixation on girls who have an oral fixation. Though it appears as though I'm saying I am attracted to girls who are big into fellatio...I'm not. At least, not explicitly. Subconsciously, that is almost surely on the table. I just feel that the mouth is one of the most important parts of the body and it's important that it get a good work out. Whether that work is some sexy lip biting, sucking on ice cubes, or just singing is up to the girl. I just don't want people to sit around tight-lipped. I guess what I'm also saying here is that I want a good kisser. I don't want somebody who just gets kissed. Exert yourself on those kisses, ladies. Make them count. The mouth is a very sexual area and girls who draw attention to it are bound to get me hot and bothered. This is also probably where I should mention that I find those glow sticks that girls put in their mouths at raves to be very sexy.

There is something that every girl can do that will draw attention to her mouth. Smile. It's sexy. Every guy loves a sexy smile. It's not just me. A smile says a lot. It says "I'm happy." It says "I'm confident." It says "I'm in a mood that could be mutually beneficial." There are all sorts of sexy body language that women use and I'm not saying that a smile is the sexiest, but it might be the most versatile. If I'm trying to gauge a girl's interest, the first thing I look for is whether she is smiling or not. Granted, I then have to analyze the smile since different smiles mean different things (girls are tricky), but if she isn't smiling that means I should move on. The great thing about smiles is that I can't decide which kind is sexiest. The toothy grin is generally considered the coup de grace, but sometimes I like the wry, cheeky toothless smile. Either way...you can't go wrong. Both are a whole lot sexier than a frown.

11. Go easy on the make-up. I'm not saying that make-up is a bad thing. I'm just saying that a little bit goes a long way. Nobody wants a girl who looks so dreadfully over-processed...except for maybe Jim Bakkar, but even he cheated because he didn't really like it. Despite the fact that bleached hair and glass eyes turn me on...I actually like women to look very natural. I've done several theater productions and seen all that make-up can do. Most of it is unnecessary. I see very little value in lipstick. Chap Stick will give you the same sheen without making your lips look like they came in contact with enriched uranium. Cosmetics commercials and department stores have pushed girls into mass cosmetics consumerism. This trend is leaving a solid percentage of America's young hotties looking like something between Mimi from the Drew Carey show and Ronald McDonald.


I'm going to help every young lady out there by looking through your make-up kit and letting you know what you can get rid of. Let's see we have lip gloss, lip liner, lip plumper, lip balm, lip conditioner, lip primer, and lip boosters. Let's toss out everything except for lip gloss. We have foundation, powder, and concealer. All of those should be able to go unless your boyfriend beats you. Concealer should be a subtle way of telling your friends to call the cops. Bronzer, rouge, and blush can go. Those are probably counterproductive. I'm not sure who said that bringing out the cheekbones was a solid endeavor. Nobody likes a gaunt, bony face. Eyebrow pencils, creams, waxes, gels and powders have to go in the trash. Mascara and eye-liner can stay, but let's not overuse them, ladies. Eye shadow and lip stick don't have to go in the trash...these should probably be put with whatever materials you use have for role-playing; in case you and your man want to role play Marc Antony and Cleopatra, Wall Street banker and Atlantic City mistress, or Snooki and The Situation. Nail polish can stick around. I see no harm in that.

10. She should let her breasts breathe a little. Possibly the most detrimental blow to the male libido of the last century is the notion that respectable girls should protect their bosom as though it was that vial of smallpox at the CDC. Back in that Puritanical time we called the Eighteenth and Nineteenth Centuries, women were covered from head to toe. Showing off such temptuous real estate as the calf, elbow, neck, or top of the head was frowned upon and one risked having a red A affixed to one's short-sleeved wardrobe to show what a filthy harlot one was. However, as time has passed showing off skin has become a societal norm. Tank tops and daisy dukes are everywhere. And men eagerly await the first warm day of spring which we fondly refer to as "Halter Top Day". However, the two areas that are still off limits are the pelvic region and the chest. I totally understand one of these. Sex organs should probably be kept out of sight until it's actually time for sex. And I understand why breasts have to be kept hidden at the office or in class or maybe even off highway billboards. They're distracting. We've known this for a long time. Why do you think magician's assistants wear bikini tops? You don't even need sleight of hand to pull off a successful magic trick to a group of men...you just need a nice rack.

However, I'm not so sure that breasts should be the carte blanche taboo that they have become. They're not a sex organ. Men can go shirtless in polite society in many places such as the beach or when engaging in strenuous activities such as playing ultimate frisbee or chopping firewood. However, the female breast must remain hidden because it has been sexualized? This must be some sort of joke. Tons of things that are sexualized are flaunted on a regular basis. As my photo caption above implies...there are people who love feet. Yet, that doesn't stop millions of girls from wearing sandals. Why don't those same women just leave the house in a bra? However, because there are people who love feet and sexualize them...they have also created a group of people who fear feet. Neither of these groups make any damn sense to me. They're feet. They are to be neither loved nor feared...most people have two of them. The reason that men sexualize the breast is because the majority of us don't have any of them. If I knew that I could make something taboo just by sexualizing it then I would go on Youtube tomorrow with a cookie monster puppet and make a video that sexualizes cookies in order to put that bitch Mrs. Fields out of business. To help illustrate my point I am attaching the video of a gentleman who has similar feelings.

9. Heterochromia is heterosexy. I've got a strange thing for heterochromia. I'll admit it's a little odd...but it's hot. For those of you that don't know what heterochromia is, it's when a girl (or guy) has two different colored eyes. Think of Mila Kunis, Jane Seymour, or David Bowie. For the life of me I cannot figure out why I find this to be so sexy, but I do. Maybe it's my need for versatility. Sometimes I want to stare into some beautiful blue eyes and sometimes I want to stare into some beautiful brown eyes. Maybe I just want the best of both worlds. I think if we look deeper into my psyche we might actually find a reason. I think it might be a channeling of my need for a girl with duality and versatility. She has to have a light side and dark side. A good side and a bad side. And I view heterochromia as the physical manifestation of this psychological desire. Or...that could just be a bunch of bullshit and, like a magpie, I'm just attracted to things that are colorful and shiny.

However, this love of different-colored eyes also extends to glass eyes. I find girls who have false eyes to be very sexy. It extends no further than this. I don't have any affinity towards amputee fetishes or anything of that nature. I think it mainly stems from the fact that I have only known three girls with glass eyes in my life and they were all smokin' hot 10s. I also think that it provides a girl with a distinguishable characteristic that makes her stand out from her peers. There's adversity that comes with only having one functioning eye and I think that I would rather have a girl who has matured through adversity than one who has phenomenal depth perception.

8. Soft skin makes me not soft. This is the one physical characteristic that separates girls of my generation from older females. There is no reason that a woman in her upper 30s can't have a great smile, great hair, a great rack, or a firm buttocks. However, soft smooth skin is a young woman's game. It's why anti-wrinkle cream is a multi-billion dollar industry. Everybody wants to have softer younger-looking skin. However, a lot of the physics behind soft skin comes from bone structure...so it's not something that everybody can achieve if they just moisturize properly. I don't have it. And I don't just want smooth skin. I want soft skin. Let me illustrate the difference. Botox can help you get smooth skin, but not soft skin. Nicole Kidman has smooth skin but it looks like it's stretched like a kettle drum. I want skin that is smooth but also that looks soft and comforting...like a pillow.

One of the tricks to smoother, younger-looking skin is skin maintenance. There are tons of products that come in various bottles to help with this. However, the most important one is a razor. Legs and arms with excessive hair are not attractive. True, this is coming from someone who shaves his face around once a week...but I like what I like. The trick is that, depending upon bone structure, some guys look good with facial hair and some don't. I'm trying to decide which I am...I'm leaning towards don't. There is no bone structure that makes limb hair on females attractive, though I would believe that there are Eskimo and Siberian cultures where this is valued in women for its practicality. Some of you might be wondering if you fall into the soft skin category. Well, if you're reading this blog it means that you have probably met me. Have I ever tried to awkwardly touch your face? If "yes" then you have smooth skin. If "no" then you don't or you just need to get to know me a little better.

7. Flexibility is always a plus. Flexibility rocks. Mental flexibility was my number one desire for the Perfect Woman on the mental spectrum. While physical flexibility is not the number one desire...it is extremely arousing. Gymnasts aren't just sexy because of their tight uniforms. What guy doesn't want a woman that can put her foot behind her head? This has been a desire of man since the beginning of time. First chronicled in the Kama Sutra, an ancient Hindi text, flexibility and a man's desire to achieve sexual positions like The Tree Frog, The Plough, or The Side Saddle Cowgirl play a very important role in the bedroom. The one sure fire way to gain flexibility is simply stretching. Guys might want to go to yoga...but if we know what's good for us we'll never make fun of you for going. Go do all of the Downward Dog, Ornery Penguin, and Proselytizing Cobra you want.

In order to be naturally flexible, there are many variables that need to be considered. Joint structure, muscle health, ligament health, tendons, tissue injury, body mass index, body temperature, genetics, and age all affect flexibility. I don't particularly care why a girl is flexible. Flexibility in a 42-year-old can be as hot as flexibility in a 22-year-old. Do you think it's a coincidence that strip clubs are such hopping places. Sure they could just have girls jogging around in the nude and the guys would come out. But the reason that strippers are some of America's most underrated acrobats is because guys dig chicks with range of motion. And I don't want a girl to have flexibility. I want her to use it. I am her jungle gym. I want to be climbed on. I want her to literally hang on me. Use me as a stripper pole and if she snaps my neck in the process, well at least I died happy.

6. Dress like you like what you've got. I request that this statement be observed exactly as it is written. It does not say dress promiscuously. It says "Dress like you like what you've got." I want a girl who is proud of the body that she has and isn't afraid to flaunt that fact. Whatever that means to her is good enough for me. Women's outfits are often decried as being slutty or trampy. However, these words are more telling of the person who is saying them than the person who they are being said about. I've heard these words used by pretty women to describe less attractive women and by ugly women to describe gorgeous women. I've heard them used by younger women to describe older women and vice-versa. I've heard them used by popular girls to describe unpopular girls and the reverse. However, I have never heard them used by a more confident female to describe a less confident female. Women who publicly decry the lewdness or lasciviousness of another female's choice of wardrobe are often always doing it out of insecurity. It's OK to think whatever you want...but voicing those thoughts means that you need other people to hear your opinions. And spreading the opinion that revealing clothing is unacceptable to wear is the opinion of somebody who doesn't plan on wearing it. This almost always stems from either body image issues which lead to low self-esteem or Puritanical religious values which, at this level, have beaten self-esteem issues into you.

The truth is that while there is such a thing as setting-appropriate clothing, there really shouldn't be such a thing as slutty clothing. Wear what you need to wear to attract a mate. Men try and wear what they feel that women like. The only difference is that they think that means expensive clothing and not revealing clothing...and expensive clothing is always socially acceptable. I firmly believe that other females were the culprit behind guilting other women out of wearing outfits that best suit their assets. In social adult settings there is nothing wrong with dressing in a way that exhibits the piece of art that is your body. Tracy Morgan once told me to live every week like it's Shark Week. Well, I am imploring women to dress every night like it's Halloween night. Thongs, short skirts, tight shirts, hooker bits...the whole kit and caboodle. Wearing clothing that grabs attention isn't being promiscuous, it's simply being confident and proud.

5. I like naughty, yet versatile body language. Attractive girls will always have a leg up in the game of attracting a mate. That's just one of the many unfair laws of nature. Girls who weren't gifted with looks but might have wonderful other traits like intelligence, kindness, or a good credit score are going to be operating under a disadvantage. However, there is one exceedingly important aspect of physical attraction that almost any girl can take advantage of whether she is a 10 or a 2. That is body language. Body language comes in lots of forms. Body language can say "Come and Get It" or "Hard to Get". Both have their merits. It can be aggressive and defiant or passive and submissive. Once again, both can be refreshing. But work the sexy body language. Body language is the ultimate equalizer that all girls have in their arsenal.

You've undoubtedly seen several of the stereotypical moves in the body language arsenal. You have the hair whip, the teeth tounging, and the bend and snap. What people often don't realize as being even more important is the absence of negative body language. This includes slouched soldiers, constant playing with one's smart phone, and general ticks insinuating disinterest or exhaustion. Guys like girls with energy. We like spark plugs. One of the main things that will spark our interest in you is your interest in us. I say versatile body language because I would like it to adapt based upon the situation and comfort level of those involved. However, for slow starters like me: aggressive, enthusiastic body language is most attractive in a girl. Let me know you want it and I'll come and give it.

4. I like an athletic build. Whenever you go to online relationship sites they always ask for body type. These range on the corpulent spectrum from "Starvation Victim" to "Full-Blown Orca". However, there is also that body type that doesn't really line up on the scale. It just says "athletic". What does that mean? It means very little weight-wise. It means very little height-wise. But it is fairly particular in that their body is toned and they look fierce. This might come as a shock to you but athletic builds are fairly common amongst athletes. And while they may not be as attractive as actresses or models in the face-heavy looks department...no group has better bodies than athletes. Super-freaky body builder chicks and Brigitte Nielsen have given muscular women a bad reputation. However, if you think about it, aside from breasts, all of men's other favorite body parts (buttocks, thighs, abs, calves) are muscle groups. Well-toned muscles are the key to a great body.

This might be behind the root of my love of any girl who plays sports. I specifically prefer sports that develop lean, well-toned muscles: tennis, soccer, and mostly volleyball. I don't necessarily want a girl who is substantially overweight, but I definitely want there to be some meat on her and the athletic build gives me the very best of both worlds. So if I ever resort to using eHarmony or match.com, you can keep your curvy body girls and you can definitely keep your petite body girls. I'll be headed straight for the athletic build section.

3. The deeper the eyes, the better. This might be a little harder to explain than some of the other concepts on this list. You're thinking to yourself that eyes aren't really deep. They're all just eyes. The truth is that certain eyes give a perception of depth, and I think that this is universally so. What I refer to as "shallow eyes"...most people refer to as beady eyes. They're eyes that spend an inordinate amount of time with the pupils widened. The shallowest eyes in the whole world have to belong to Icelandic pop star Bjork. The second beadiest probably belong to Elaine Cassidy (aka "the chick who played Abby Mills on Harper's Island"). I'm not saying that Elaine Cassidy isn't hot...I'm just saying that her eyes are off-putting. I like deep eyes. They're wide, they have a respectable iris to pupil ratio, and they are bright. I don't mean to come off all Hitler-like. I think that brown eyes can be sexy too...I just prefer blue eyes if given the option. And let's be serious, I'm never given the option.

Deep eyes just have a certain sparkle to them. If you ever hear somebody say that they got lost in somebody else's eyes then they are referring to the deep eye phenomenon that I am laying down here. Deep eyes are just inviting. They say "Come in for a swim Ray, the water is fine." Bjork eyes say "If you step near this pool, Ray, I will shoot you for trespassing." Deep eyes are also more lusty. They are also 150% more likely to turn into "bedroom eyes", "hungry eyes", or maybe even "Bette Davis eyes". Our society prefers blue eyes on the whole, it's not just me. Oh sure, I'm the only jackass who's going to go out on a limb and insult the more than 75% of humans who are sporting the dominant gene, but many people agree with me. You can hear them subtly hint at it. Take the phrase, "I like that dress, it matches your eyes." This statement is about a blue dress. I can't even see the dress, but I know this. It's bright. Nobody has ever stated that a brown dress matches somebody's eyes because that's not the way the color sensors in our brain work. Brown doesn't "pop" the way blue does. Wood and sand are brown. I'm not saying that brown eyes are drab...but I am saying that some people could stare for hours at the beauty of the sky and the ocean (both blue). The same cannot be said of sand and wood.

2. Wear fishnets and work the legs. I make no apologies. I am a leg man. Some guys are ass men. They're nice. Some guys are breast men. I like them, but as much as the next guy. And then there are those marginally creepy feet men. Not me, put some shoes on you fucking hippies. Me? I dig calves and thighs...and a little knee. I, like most people I know, like skirts short. Who doesn't? I like to enjoy a woman's legs. However, there are several other things that obscure the legs which are in popular demand. Some guys like knee high boots. Why? All they do is hide the calves. Tons of guys dig knee high socks. I think this has something to do with the whole Catholic school girl thing. High socks are another thing we can do without. Pantyhose may be the worst idea of all time...and I'm including New Coke, drafting Ryan Leaf, and invading Siberia in winter in that statement. They're not even trying to hide anything, but they do. There is only one leg covering that gets the official Ray O'Brien go ahead. That would be fishnet stockings. I don't understand it. I would think that I would be a total "legs go bare" kind of guy, but somehow fishnets caught me (pun sort of intended). They're sexy.

I think that I understand the physics of this. I like the diamond-shaped knit to be larger. The larger the better...because it allows for more bare skin. The fishnet hugs closer to the skin, defines curves, and gives the wearer a more muscularly defined look. Go back five paragraphs and you can then better understand why I like it. It also makes sense because I don't just like fishnets on the legs. I like it everywhere. Fishnet arm sleeves are sexy as well. I'm aware that they're normally worn by goths, and while I'm not a fan of goths...this is a trend that can catch on as far as I am concerned. There is also the psychological feel with fishnets that you're seeing something you're not supposed to see. They're like bars across the legs that say these are forbidden, but you can see right through anyway. To test this theory I intend to one day market a line of shirts and pants with transparent sleeves and see if it has the same effect...food for thought.

1. Her hair color should be versatile. I debated where to order various items on this list. It took me a while to step back and decide what I really prefer and which preferences are stronger than others. However, there was never any question about what the top item on this list would be. I find alternative hair colors to be so sexy. Blue hair, green hair, pink hair, bright red hair...I love it all. That's why Kate Winslet was so arousing in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Scarlett Johansson was never hotter than when she was rocking the pink hair in Lost in Translation. And Milla Jovovich is always a favorite because she sports orange hair in The Fifth Element and blue hair in Ultraviolet. However, it isn't just outrageous artificial hair colors that I'm into. I enjoy it every time I see somebody that I'm used to as a brunette go blonde, and every time I see somebody that I'm used to as a blonde go brunette. The switch up is what has my hooked. I like hair colors that are new and alluring. For most people hair styles are sexy and arousing because hair is what frames the face. For me it's more than that. Hair isn't just something that frames the face; it is part of the sexual experience. This is why I am a strong advocate of this "hair action" that the Axe commercials are always talking about.

There is no psychologist needed on this one. I know exactly why I appreciate and value the diversity in hair color. I have to assume that I would also greatly value diversity in hair style. If it was practical for a girl to go from bob to pixie to ponytail to long and straight to long and curly and back again, I'm sure I would be a fan of that to. The allure comes from my own perceived fidelity. I think that guys who cheat on their girlfriends, fiancees, and wives are walking the spectrum between douche bag and scum bag. I firmly, with every fiber of my being, believe that I would never cheat on my girl. But it has been widely conjectured that monogamy leads to monotony. This is what leads to couples having sex in public places and introducing candle wax and nipple biting to the bedroom to spice things up. And if I can live the experience of sleeping with a brunette, sleeping with a blonde, and sleeping with a red head all while being faithful to one girl...well I guess that's a major piece of the American Dream right there. Despite my previous assertion that I prefer girls who aren't emotionally on tilt, I do like girls who can keep me guessing and are full of surprises. New looks are sexy and as Barney Stinson has told us: new is always better. Many people are resistant and fearful of change, but I for one think we should embrace it. And as far as sexiness is concerned, change starts with a bottle...a bottle of peroxide.


Hold on for Part 3 of this series which is slated to arrive on April 14th.