January Guest Blogger -- Andrew

Hello Followers of the Hot and Bothered Effect.


As has been promised to you, once a month I will have a guest blogger from another blog come and post on the Hot and Bothered Effect so that you can get an appreciation for different writing styles, points of view, and blogs. It will also give other blogs operated by friends of mine to get some exposure for their blogs as well as exposing my readers to blogs that I like. This month's Guest Blogger will be Andrew who operates What About Free Will?. I read his blog with some regularity. His blog states it's description as follows: "My only goal is humor. I write, you laugh, you show your friends, they laugh...and then perhaps something magical will happen (no promises). So, what about free will? It’s the only thing that nobody can take away from you, but luckily the only thing that matters. Though, without free will I'd have to have fewer excuses prepared. Besides all that, I am awkward. Like, impressively awkward. It's to the point that you think I'm doing it on purpose." Once again, I do not know Andrew and this post is simply an excerpt from his blog. Next month, I plan on returning with exclusive content from a friend's blog. However, Andrew is taking a perilous cross-country trip right as I am taking a periloous cross-country trip so I thought that it would be a good seguay as my next post will come to you from Los Angeles and not Cincinnati. Here is Andrew:

My Grand Trans-Atlantic Adventure

I need to admit to something. It’s a lie. It’s all a lie. Sure I’ve lied before in the past, but this is one I just can’t live with.

Here’s the deal: I will soon be going on a very long car trip. There, I said it. The adventure I spoke of in the title of the story will not be trans-Atlantic nor particularly grand. I will be driving from bumfuck Iowa all the way to Phoenix, Arizona. Admit it though, you never would have read a story entitled “Bumfucking Across America.” I am making this road trip to partake in a short internship. Upon completion of which, I will be nearly ready to enter the workforce as a responsible, tax-paying citizen.

The road trip is rumored (from Google) to take about 24 hours of driving. A rational person would stop halfway to recuperate. Not this guy. I plan on driving straight through, even if it kills me and several innocent bystanders. Besides this decision which may end up meaning my demise, there are several things I am excited to experience, and many other things that I may encounter that would cause a nervous breakdown/anxiety attack. I will detail the states I plan on driving through.

On the way there…

Iowa

Possible Hazards: None. I am well versed in the ways of the motherland and fear neither corn, corn whooping*, or corn syrup.

*Corn whooping is the act of pulling a tassel out of a corn stalk, tapping the end of it on your shoe, which sends the hard tip speeding towards another person. While seemingly benign, the act of corn whooping can break the skin…and the cornea. I saw both happen.

Possible Delights: Last chance to experience Midwest “quaintness.”
Nebraska

Possible Hazards: Mainly, I’m worried about Husker fans. As stated many times over, I carry little concern for sports in general and less still for football. However, I am impressed on a day-to-day basis with the obnoxiousness of Husker fans. Also, Nebraska is very flat. It is quite possible that I will fall asleep at the wheel killing all the 300 people that live in Nebraska.

Possible Delights: Fuck if I know.

Colorado

Possible Hazards: Mountains. What the fuck? These huge pieces of rock are just sitting around and nobody seems to care. To quote a highly intelligent teacher of mine, “Every mountain is a volcano and it’s just a question of when that mountain is going to explode.” To exemplify the point, the same teacher also said, “Every animal that is born adds weight to the world, and it’s just a question to how much weight the world can hold.” Don’t ask me; I’m not sure where he was going with that, or where I was going with that for that matter.

Anyways, I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do when I get to these mountains. I have never actually seen this phenomenon in person and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it emotionally. I can see the newspapers now, “A twenty-four year old man backed up traffic for miles today when he stopped his car in the middle of the interstate. When questioned on his decision the man responded, ‘I wanted to see what the mountain was going to do.’"

Possible Delights: The absence of fat people. Colorado has the lowest rate of obesity at right around 20%. The sad thing is, Colorado is commended for its obesity rate, when in fact, one-fifth of population has cushiony roles. How is that an accomplishment? Go America!

New Mexico

Possible Hazards: Like everyone else on Earth, I have no idea what Purgatory is like. I have a strong suspicion that New Mexico is the closest thing readily observable to living people. While Purgatory by definition is not a hazard, I feel that I am not mentally stable enough to handle the reality shift, therefore making it a hazard to me. If the Catholic Church didn’t completely make up Purgatory in order to swindle people out of money I might actually be concerned.

Possible Delights: Hookers. No wait, that’s Nevada. What the hell is in New Mexico?

Arizona

Possible Hazards: Hippies, hippies, god damn hippies everywhere. I realize that I will be spending a good portion of time in this state, but I am not prepared to deal with this sect of the population. There are a bunch of human-gonads in Arizona that believe in things like power crystals, energy vortexes, and blood type food diets. Look that shit up, I’m so angry I can’t even describe it to you in order to make fun of it.

Possible Delights: I will be [comparatively] toasty warm in the middle of January. Have fun with snow and everything that comes with it, suckers.

I am taking somewhat of scenic route on the way back in order to participate in a wedding. I suppose this is also the way I will take if there is some sort of massive snow storm happening in the near future which closes the state of Colorado. If so, please disregard most everything written above. Now. Okay, now keep going.

On the way back…

Texas

Possible Hazards: People who are not aware the South lost the Civil War, people who are not aware that Texas is not its own country, and people who think the Alamo is not a complete tourist trap. Oh yeah, and the humidity.

Possible Delights: I hear there’s a really cute antique shop just off the highway.

Oklahoma

Possible Hazards: Musicals.

Possible Delights: Google maps says I’ll only be in Oklahoma for like an hour, so I’m not exactly sure what delights I will have time to experience. I hope the rest stops are nice…

Kansas

Possible Hazards: When I was six years old I went to my Aunt’s house outside Kansas City. They lived in a suburb called “Rattlesnake Ridge.” Early one morning I was told to play outside and was sent out back to the sandbox. Upon opening the box, I found a friendly little snake inside that made a neat noise. The best part was that the closer I got to it, the louder it got. It was a fun toy. I stood there for awhile, poking it. After some time, the snake took a strike at me and missed. I was not concerned. I got bored and left. Somehow I didn’t die.

Possible Delights: I couldn’t think of anything to put here so I went to Wikipedia. Apparently Kansas leads the U.S. in sunflower and sorghum production. Who knew? I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a good bowl, of hot, steamy sorghum.Thanks Kansas!

So, there you have it. These states together will create a grand adventure, the likes of which the world has never seen. Maybe some of you will see me out there, on the open road. If so, give a friendly wave. If that doesn’t get my attention, honk and throw objects at my car because I’ve probably fallen asleep at the wheel again.

The Lush Life Chronicles - - Volume 5: The Kelli

Before we get into what The Kelli really is, I feel that it's important that we note that we have reached the second tier of the Lush Life hierarchy. The first four pillars (The Double-Double, The Personal Bubble, The Know-How, and The Hobby) are all more grandiose versions of essential human needs such as food, shelter, and mental diversion. However, we have now reached the point where we need to focus on the more complex relationship needs. Whereas the first four pillars can be satisfied by "things" more or less...the next four pillars need to be satisfied by people. When we think of relationships, people tend to get fixated on how to approach and better perfect romantic relationships, both heterosexual and homosexual. That's not what these next four pillars are about. They are about perfecting your heterosocial and homosocial relationships. You've got Cosmopolitan and Maxim to help you with relationship advice (or if need be, my ill-advised Valentine's Day post). What people need help with these days is managing all of the non-romantic relationships in our lives. It is astounding how shitty people are at properly maintaining friendships, acquantancships, and other necessary plutonic relationships in their lives. I blame the propogation of social media. We think that we can manage our relationships over a shifty Wi-Fi connection with the help of our Faceposts and Twitterscopes. And while these are useful tools for building a brand presence and spreading information (as was mentioned in my last post), the Lush Life is about relationships that require a little more face time. The simplest of these relationships is still a very important one. It's one that I call The Kelli.

Kelli, for whom this pillar is named, is the finest follicular artist in the Greater Cincinnati area. She is my hair stylist, and I think it's safe to say that she is the best one that I've ever had. Every time I go to get my hair cut by her she does a great job, she knows exactly what I want, and I get a stimulating conversation to go with the new 'do. I've gone back and forth to various places in Los Angeles and I just can't ever seem to get the right haircut experience. Sometimes I'll get a stylist who is nice and friendly and conversive, but they do a terrible job on my hair. Other times I'll get a great haircut from somebody who is elderly and only speaks Spanish, and it's awkward the whole time. Why is it too much to ask for both? I should be able to get a great haircut, and be able to converse with the person giving me the haircut on the level that those Barber Shop movies imply to be requisite between the shearer and the sheared. Being able to get the all-inclusive A+ haircut experience is valuable and it's significantly harder to attain than one would think. I will soon be migrating from Cincinnati to Los Angeles, and believe you me, I am not looking forward to having to find a new hair stylist. Whereas, I will always treasure my relationship with friends in Cincinnati and hope to keep in touch with as many as possible...there is one set of relationships that will be devestated by my move out west. That would be the collective group of relationships that make up what is a very strong fifth pillar for me. I am of course talking about the relationships that make up The Kelli.

Kelli and I do not hang out outside of the hair salon. She has a seemingly wonderful husband and an adorable baby girl. I have Andrew and Nick. (Damn, my life is sad.) Kelli and I lead seperate lives and have little desire to drink together on the weekends or watch the Super Bowl at each other's places of residence. She doesn't come to my weekly Poker Night and I don't go to her weekly Book Club. She doesn't cut my hair for free. I'm a client. And that's really what The Kelli is all about. It's about having friendly professional relationships at various service establishments. This pillar could be called The Lindsay, as that is the name of my regular waitress every week at Mount Lookout Tavern. It could be called The Steve, who is my Trivia Caller at Balboa's every Tuesday. It could be called The Dana, who is the librarian I chat up every time I check out or return a book or video at my local branch of the Cincinnati Public Library. The Kelli is about walking into an establishment and being a regular. This is why Cheers was such a popular show. Everybody wants to have a place where everybody knows there name.

It's nice to be known when you're out about town. The George Clooney film Up in the Air talks about how companies are going to lengths to make people feel welcome and individualized when they travel or are recieving other services. But in the case that was presented in that film with American Airlines and their VIP services, you're paying an arm and a leg to have people who have no personal connection to you pretend like you're important. The Kelli requires far less money, but a little more effort. When you like a place enough to frequent it and become familiar with the staff...go ahead and wade into people a little bit. Get to know them. Let them get to know you. I promise you it will be worth it. Take for example the Kelli for whom this pillar is named. I've been getting my hair cut by her for almost three years now. That's probably about 12 haircuts. And thankfully only one of those haircuts included conversations about my job, my living situation, and all of the other small talk, starter-conversation, B.S. If I had hopped around to different people to get my hair cut by random walk-in I would have had to have those conversations at least ten times. But once Kelli and I have the trivialties of my existence and her existence out of the way we can move onto other more engaging topics such as her audition for Big Brother and my attempted coersion of her to return my friend (and her client) Erin Swietlik to her trademark Pageboy 'do.

This conversational comfort is also important in other scenarios. I like having familiarity with people. But what I like even more is when people have familiarity with me. My words have a lot of context and it works best for all parties involved if they aren't taken in the wrong context. Most of my prized relationships are based upon ribbing and mutual insulting. If I don't feel comfortable calling you a "dumb slut" and you aren't one of my parents...then we will never be close. However, most waitresses don't take too kindly to you when you greet them with "Sup, bitch". However, when you attend their fine establishment and they serve you every week and you know their boyfriend's name, the classes they're taking at college, and the story behind how they broke their nose last summer...it becomes significantly more acceptable. This is why the fact that for three years I had The Kelli at Mount Look Tavern with our waitress Lindsay was so invaluable. (I realize that the last sentence is a confusing cluster-fuck, but know that when I am referring to the pillar I will capitalize "The" and when I am referring to the hair stylist I won't.) Lindsay served us damn near every Monday and having regular status came with many great benefits. Oftentimes, our drinks came very quickly because she knew our ordering habits well and had already put in the order. And when the place was at capacity and standing room only for Trivia nights we would occasionally have a table reserved for us if we were arriving too late. However, when Lindsay was notably absent...disaster would strike. We would try to have the same jovial relationship that we had developed with Lindsay with the new server, and they'd send another server over because we'd have scared the first one off. I found out that some waitresses get a little offended when you ask them to "hold the spit" when they lack the familiarity of you're running joke with your regular waitress.

That's why moving across the country is going to shatter my hold on this pillar of The Lush Life. I'm going to have to re-discover all of these relationships. I'm going to have to get a new bar, a new personal trainer, a new hair stylist, and a first massage therapist. I basically have to start all over. Part of that is exciting as I get to basically adventure into meeting new people and choosing new places to become a regular at. But the other part of it sucks. I have to shift through all of the new salons, eateries, and service industry figures who aren't going to make the cut. And it will take quite a while for me to re-establish the current level of comfort that I have built. And before I find the right one I'll probably have to talk to at least three more hair stylists about my damn job. And if there is one thing that I hate talking about... it's work. But I have faith that I will find the new places and relationships that I need to replace the void in my life that will be created by leaving Kelli and Lindsay and Dana and Steve behind. I had better do so with speed, vigor, and gusto, because The Lush Life waits for no man and you aren't living The Lush Life if you can't enjoy casual relationships with friendly people at your local haunts.

Hold That Thought: Launching the Tweet Fleet

I have allowed no ambiguity with the fact that I think that Twitter is dumb. I have cited many incredibly valid reasons: it's ruining the English language, it's inflating the egos of our youth, it creates a society of followers and not leaders. The list goes on and on. Read this excerpt from my last blog:

Twitter - Tweeting Is For Twats

I had to decide whether I should even talk about this in my blog. Is twitter even worth me taking the fifteen minutes out of my day to write against it? However, I eventually decided that even though Twitter is a waste of my time and yours, I can not stand by with my hands in my pockets as Twitter wrecks this great world we have. I have so many problems with Twitter I don't even really know where I should start.
I think I will start with the fact that Twitter is ruining literacy in it's quest to take down media as we know it. The reason that Twitter is so popular is because it takes very little time or commitment. It isn't like blogging where bloggers like me routinely put out 25,000+ character posts. Twitter limits you to 140 characters per post. Therefore, in order to put complete thoughts into post form on Twitter people have to cut corners. Da = the, cuz = because, dat = that, and even b = be. It's one thing for hip movie stars and athletes to use this lingo in posts but these are also being used by prestigious reporters and journalists in Twitterviews.

That's right, I said Twitterviews. Purportedly reputable journalists are conducting important interviews via Twitter. George Stephanopoulos kicked off this trend in March when he had a full interview with Senator John McCain on Twitter. I do have to give them credit for not deviating from standard American English as I had previously complained about but Stephanopoulous's questions and McCain's answers were still confined to 140 characters. This does make it a little snappier in terms of getting to the point and might make decent strides in helping to inform our ADD-riddled nation on political policies, agendas, and developments. However, I don't think most important political questions can be answered thoroughly in 140 characters. This will definitely sound snobbish but if you can't read an entire TIME Magazine article or watch a full 5-7 minute segment on CNN to learn about something maybe you don't deserve to be informed. Because on Twitter you are not informing yourself. You are half-ass informing yourself. You are getting the bare minimum in terms of information and you are getting information that the giver of said information wants you to have with absolutely no filter for the truth. If you told me that you picked up a piece of information on Twitter you may as well have not picked it up as far as I am concerned because it has no basis in reality.
The second reason that I hate Twitter is because it makes very mediocre people feel as though they are "special". It all comes back to special. People will get 40+ followers and think that people are so enthralled by their lives that they can post whatever they want and people will be hanging on their every movement. How else can you explain tweets like "time check to HP: t-circa 5 hours", "A great night and might have to go back out :)", "drinking a fresca", and "Had a great time at lunch today"? Are these really things that you need to keep me informed of? This is Twitter's biggest problem. 95% of it's users are no good at it. They don't know what information is interesting or pertinent. There is a reason that Ashton Kutcher has 2.85 million followers. It's not because he is the most famous, interesting celebrity on the planet. It has to do with the fact that he is one of the more interesting Twitter-er. Most people are terrible. They find certain facets of their life to be overtly interesting that are in fact quite boring. This leads to over-Twittering. Some people like to tell others what they are doing ever five minutes which leads to other people checking their Twitter every five minutes which creates a vicious cycle.
Twitter has also created a society of followers. There is a lot more following on Twitter than there is leading. The median number of posts per account is 1. This means that over half of Twitter isn't even posting anything. They are just following what other people are posting. Quit being a bunch of goons and go do something with your life.

But in attempting to promote this blog I have hit a bit of a wall and I have come to realize that the only way to get more meaningful hits and followers is to brand myself all over the internet. So I am joining that which I hate...with the recognition that everything I hated about it is still there and that I still hate all those things. However, I see that this is how we have chosen to propagate information in this country and if you aren't on the band wagon, you risk falling behind. You may decry me as a traitor and suggest that I change the name of this blog to the Twat and Bothered Effect. So be it. But to help this blog in its quest to reach 100 followers, I have joined Twitter (and Formspring and Youtube and Flikr amongst others). I will be "Tweeting" information that is pertinent to this blog such as upcoming posts and survey questions for future posts. I will not be just spouting off random thoughts, as clearly I cannot do that in 140 characters...but just for the hell of it, I thought I'd give you a look at what that would look like. So here are 50 sample tweets where I start a thought that can't be finished...

1. I now know my calling. I must be on a death panel. I've already found the important questions that will decide fates. Where can I sign up?

2. Did you know that the NCAA vacates wins, but not losses? So if you are going to pay athletes, take extra care to make sure they do not suck.

3. Is Orenthal James on the list of names that it is socially unacceptable to name your kid or would most Americans just not understand it?

4. Since JD Salinger passed, which reclusive potential Guest Blogger would score me the most hits? Harper Lee? Bill Watterson? Thomas Pynchon?

 

5. I get the feeling that this hotel room has seen its fair share of affordable hookers...quite possibly as recently as earlier this morning. 


6. National Hispanic Heritage Month runs from September 15 to October 15. That's not a real month. Can't Latinos even respect calendar borders?

7. Social Experiment: Tweet your intention to perform life-altering bad decisions in a few hours and see which of your friends try and stop you.


8. Taylor Swift has launched her own fragrance. I don't know if she's aware, but Beyonce's Heat perfume is one of the best scents of all time.

9. When someone tells you to give them a straight answer, make sure to go out of your way to give them a really ridiculously gay one.

10. Are you literate and looking for a good book? Fuck what Oprah thinks. Go to youarewhatyouread.scholastic.com and see books that others like.

11. My cat has taught me that mental conditioning requires too much time and patience and that water-boarding always needs to remain an option.


12. I just ate a whole Double Down from KFC. In related news, the Angel of Death apparently does not have a monopoly on killing first-born sons.

13. I'm making 5 years the official Spoiler Alert grace period. I refuse to apologize for discussing plot points to movies that came out in '98.


14. Trojan is a god awful name for a condom brand. It implies, like the Horse, that a bunch of little men are going to burst out and ruin lives.

15. Outback Steakhouse just provided my best meal this year, but the stark realization that the recession is far from over. http://bit.ly/dEGeal


16. The check-out lady told me that I was the last person in line, and then got mad at me for not enforcing it. I am not your gatekeeper, bitch.


17. Lincoln doesn't face forward like every other coin. I guess when somebody sneaks up behind you and shoots you in the head, it changes a man.

18. I'm not sure why my friend Andrew is so excited about the prospect of getting married. Liquor stores don't have registries last I checked.


19. Why do my favorite shows get cancelled, yet somehow JAG lasted ten seasons without having a single person that I know watch a whole episode?


20. Allegedly the country of Greece is beyond bankrupt. That's what you get for inventing practically everything before inventing the copyright.


21. If I were ever on Family Feud, I don’t think I could avoid saying: “I hope five of the hundred people surveyed are as retarded as you are.”


22. If I’m ever out of contention going into Final Jeopardy, I don’t think that I could avoid wagering “Suck It, Trebek!” on the final question.

23. If I'm expected to forego blowjobs and liquor to access heaven, there had better be more than a harp and a cloud for eternity when I arrive.
 
24. Let's take a lesson from April Fool's Day. All holidays should involve the energetic yelling of the holiday's name at some point. Labor Day!
 
25. Russell Brand might be a screwy-looking caveman, but I know that I want an entire country's award for Sex Maniac of the Year named after me.
 
26. You should be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: mostly just the part about murder.


27. If I could only pass on one piece of fatherly wisdom to my children, here it is: I have never met a Communist that I could not steal from.


28. When preparing for a gay wedding, is it customary to have one bachelor party with both grooms or does each groom get his own bachelor party?


29. I just snagged Kevin VanDam in my Pro Bass Fishing Fantasy League Draft. Who wants to throw me a high five? Suck it, Burrows and Van Dellen!


30. Not nearly enough people take advantage of the fact that you can have the bakery dude write anything you want on a customized birthday cake.

31. I love football, but a game that encourages a player to drop at the one yard line and foresake a wide-open touchdown has a fundamental flaw.

32. Life has been a tad dull and predictable lately. I need some excitement about now. You know what would make things interesting? The Rapture.

33. Whenever I'm drinking very heavily at a bar, it's always awkward when my drink to urinate cycle synchronizes with that of a total stranger.

34. Fairy tales are so hoity-toity. Can anybody explain to me the difference between porridge and oatmeal or curds and whey and cottage cheese?

35. I feel there's a lot of money to be made from a line of "Naughty Krav Maga" workout videos. Self-defense fitness needs an infusion of sexy.


36. I have run across many an awesome pair of cufflinks in my time. But too few are functional. These are very James Bond. http://bit.ly/eFHfbol


37. I don't understand people who commit suicide on the cheap. That's a purchase you get to go into the red on. Go big if you're not going home.


38. Ever since graduating college, I sometimes feel that my life is like a 90%-empty bottle of lube. The fun has been had and the party is over.


39. Taylor Swift's Speak Now is an old-school, 2Pac-style, Burn-Book, tell-all slam album. I think this means that she is fair game, Kanye.


40. This exercise has shown me that 140 characters severely restricts my intended message. I'm very thankful that I can use 100,000+ characters.

So as you can see from the above, you don't want me twittering my every random thought. I referenced the Taylor Swift-Kanye West feud twice in 40 tweets. This means that I've become a big tool just by practicing tweeting. You'll also notice that I also use exactly 140 characters every time. It's a matter of principle. But this is the still the way that it's got to be. My blog has already recieved a massive jump in hits since I joined Twitter...though no followers. By focusing my internet brand across Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Formspring, Flickr, and other social networking sites (sorry MySpace, you're a defunct site for sexual predators), I should be able to slowly but surely bring this blog along to the level of prominance that I hope to attain. I will use these services to network with no people and maybe even pick up an internet feud or two to drive interest. If only Boxxy were still around...I would love to pick a fight with that raccoon-eyed skank.

Alright, down to business. Here is all of my new-found social network information. If you are already following this blog then you have no reason to follow any of these...but if you are so inclined:

Twitter: I can be followed at @HotDamage.

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/people/Ray-OBrien/28700082   I have also joined the Networked Blogs app on Facebook...so people can now follow the Hot and Bothered Effect through Facebook without needing to fill out anything for Blogspot or GMail to follow.

Formspring: I operate under the handle TheLushLife. You can ask me questions here: http://www.formspring.me/TheLushLife.

YouTube: My username is HandBEffect. My videos can be found at: http://www.youtube.com/HandBEffect.

Flikr: I post photos from this blog under the handle reignmanxavier. My photos can be found here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hotandbotheredeffect/.

Podcast: The Dead Pool 2011

Hello Followers of the the Hot and Bothered Effect and Other Passerbys,

This is my first (and I assure you not last) attempt at a Podcast. I gathered together some of my funny friends from Xavier's premiere improv comedy troupe, Don't Tell Anna. We have five members of this group from a variety of classes: Myself (Class of 2008), John Chadwell (Class of 2009), Pat Brennan (Class of 2010), Ollie Birkhead (Class of 2012), and Luke Giberson (Class of 2012). In an idea given to me by Erin Swietlik's boyfriend, Alexi Rodriguez, we had a fantasy draft surrounding who we thought would shuffle off this mortal coil in 2011. There were rules and perameters regarding this draft and if you want to read about those please move to the bottom of these videos to read our rules. Here is the first part and it is 46 minutes...so plan accordingly:

Here is Part 2. It contains Rounds 6-10 and is 44 minutes long.



Here is the Final Part. It consists of Rounds 11-15. It is 52.5 minutes long.

Here were the Rules:

1. These are the categories from which celebrities had to be selected:

1 Female 25 & Under

1 Male 25 & Under

1 Combo 25 & Under

1 Female 26-59

1 Male 26-59

1 Combo 26-59

2 More of Any of the Previous

1 Female 60+

1 Male 60+

1 Combo 60+

4 Utility Picks

* A combo means that you are picking two (and NOT more than two) people who are associated with each other (e.g. Hall and Oates, The Captain and Tenille, Bert and Ernie) and you are banking on one of them dying. For instance if you had picked Milli Vanilli during the year 1998...you were in business. If a member of a combo has already been drafted...you may not draft that combo. For instance, if I select Angelina Jolie you cannot select Brangelina.

2. You will also be predicting the way that person you drafted will die. They do not need to die in that manner for you to recieve the points, but you will be awarded bonus points for correct prognostication. The number of bonus points will be negotiated during the draft and will range from 1-10.

3. Whether your celebrity is in fact a celebrity will also be debated during the draft. Don't push your luck. A semi-finalist on The Bachelor is not a celebrity.

4. This is a competition, but it is also a dumb game. Attempting to push your celebrities towards death will result in immediate disqualification. Not only should you not try and  kill people yourself, but if I find out that you have been hounding Jessica Simpson with e-mails that she is fat in an attempt to get her to kill herself...you will likewise be disqualified. 

5. Anybody currently comatose who is waiting for the plug to be pulled is off-limits.

Should you have an interest in watching this Podcast on the more video-friendly Youtube you can do that as well. They have been broken down by Round and can be found here: youtube.com/HandBEffect.

Once again I would like to thank my guests, Pat Brennan, John Chadwell, Ollie Birkhead, and Luke Giberson. If any of my followers would like to be on a podcast in the future please just drop me a line. I'm hoping to do about one a month.

A History of Bromance

As most of you may well know, I play a lot of bar trivia. I'm more than just alright at it...I'm quite good. I also have categories that I specialize in. Of course I do quite well at Sports and Movie, but I'm also excellent when it comes to history. I am a student of history and have always been interested in tracking ideas, invention, and phenomena back to their origins. This is what I have decided to do with the concept of the "bromance". I'm going to trace it from it's inception to it's present status.

Before we get to the timeline there are a few terms you will need to become familiar with:

Bromance: A homosocial relationship between two men built upon non-sexual intimacy. It is portmanteau of the words "brother" and "romance".

Fauxmance: A fallacious bromance. This is a relationship that is often thought of as a bromance but is in fact not for a variety of reasons.

Packmance: A bromance consisting of three or more members.

Sidekick Bromance: A bromance in which one member of the relationship is superior to the other and will always take first billing.

On to the timeline...

300 B.C. - Aristotle describes a relationship similar to what we currently think of as a bromance stating, "It is those who desire the good of their friends for the friends' sake that are most truly friends, because each loves the other for what he is, and not for any incidental quality."

44 B.C. - Here we have the advent of history's earliest surviving fauxmance. Neither Brutus and Julius Caesar not Marc Antony and Caesar can qualify as a bromance. It is damn near Rule #1 of Bromances that you do not betray and kill a bro. It is also historically clear that Antony avenged the death of Caesar not because they were bros, but for the good of Rome and to consolidate power.

30 A.D. - This marked the advent of the first "faux-pack-mance". Jesus and his disciples were not a packmance. Sure they cared about each other (with the exception of Judas) but they were more of a missionary group that wasn't really focused on bro-ing around town.

1597 - This year marks the advent of the first fictional fauxmances. Shakespeare published Romeo and Juliet. I am sorry but as for Romeo and Mercutio, when you kill yourself over the death of a girl you've known two weeks and barely mourn at all a good friend that you have known since you were chitlins...you were not in a bromance. Also, in regards to Petrucio and Lucentio in Taming of the Shrew, setting a guy up with your sister-in-law so that you can get your cock wet does not a bromance make. Shakespeare didn't do bromances.

1795 - That means that this is the year that marks the age of bromance. On your calendars mark this as Year 0 of the Bromance. We see the beginning of history's first bromance as Meriwether Lewis is enlisted into the brigade of life-long bro William Clark.

1803 - While the meeting of Lewis and Clark constitutes Year 0 of Bromances. This is when the Bromance was truly forged. Nothing forges the bonds of bromance like a road trip and what a road trip these two had. A thing of beauty...two bros discovering America together going after beaver pelts...both furs for trading and the one in Sacagawea's pants.

1842 - History marks this as a year of another ambiguous bromance with not enough information readily available to be stricken as a fauxmance. William R. King and James Buchanan, who would rise to the Vice Presidency and the Presidency (respectively), begin living together for 15 years. However, James Buchanan was the only bachelor president and others such as former President Andrew Jackson apparently had misgivings that this was more than a bromance by calling King names such as "Miss Nancy" and "Aunt Fancy".

1844 - The first example of a literary packmance. Athos, Porthos, Aramis, and D'Artagnon are born out of The Three Musketeers. Their motto of "All For One and One For All" is the credo by which all true bromances and packmances stand to this day.

1887 - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle pens the first inclusion of Dr. Watson into his Sherlock Holmes series. This cements one of literature's most prolific bromances and also is a prime example of the "Sidekick Bromance". It paved the mold for later sidekick bromances (e.g. Batman and Robin, Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon, and John McEnroe and Peter Fleming).

1922 - Before there was Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, or Hope and Crosby we saw the dawn of the Hollywood Bromance. It started in 1922 with two up and coming Vaudeville performers named Mo Howard and Larry Fine. They went on to a legendary bromance that is often considered a packmance with Mo's brother Curly Howard. However, brothers can't have a bromance and that means that the Three Stooges were actually two bromances (Mo and Larry as well as Curly and Larry) rather than a packmance.

1955 - This marked the year of history's first packmance: The Rat Pack. Contrary to popular belief, the Rat Pack was not always Frank, Dean, and Sammy. It was actually started by Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. Not to be sexist, but it truly became a packmance when they started excluding women. The Rat Pack's stated purpose: "to drink a lot of bourbon and stay up late".

1963 - A legendary year in the history of bromances. Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield meet in a junior high gym class. More on the significance of this later.

1969 - This was a powerful year for the bromance as Robert Redford and Paul Newman bromanced on and off the silver screen. They starred together as the title characters in the quintessential bromance film, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. They also formed an off-screen bromance that would lead to future collaboration in the Best Picture masterpiece The Sting (1973).

1977 - The original Star Wars is released on May 25th. After careful analysis of the Han Solo/Chewbacca relationship, scientists determine that there is such a thing as an inter-species bromance. However, this phenomenon has yet to be properly duplicated in fiction or reality.

1978 - Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield open the first Ben and Jerry's cementing what may prove to be history's greatest bromance. Together they revolutionized the way ice cream is made. They have thousands of locations in 31 countries and have invented hundreds of flavors that unconcieved of prior to them. They also invented the Vermonster which I will partake of at some juncture during my lifetime.

1980 - This year marks the first meeting of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck who have become Hollywood's most prolific and functional bromance. There's has been a bromance that has included Oscars, blockbusters, and a People's Sexiest Man award each. It also is credited with inspiring Brad Pitt and George Clooney to start thier own bromance.

1985 - The mid-Eighties brought along with it another example of the "faux-pack-mance" with the Brat Pack. The Brat Pack had no real affection for each other and wasn't about bro-ing around town. It was mainly just a collection of teen actors who hung together because none of them knew who was going to break out as a big star and they needed some coat-tails to grab at. Too bad most of them weren't close enough to Charlie Sheen or Demi Moore to still be relevent today.

1986 - Top Gun came out this year and despite a lot of homoerotic volleyball it remains one of the best portrayals of a bromance at it's best and worst.

1992 - This was a landmark year for bromances as this was the year that the term "bromance" was officially coined. It first appeared in Big Brother magazine and was used to described a relationship amongst skateboarders who spend an excessive amount of time together.

1995 - The movie Tommy Boy comes out attacking the bromance dynamic from a different angle. Chris Farley and David Spade play Tommy and Richard, two men who are clearly forge a bromance during a road trip, but whose relationship is built on insults and trumpery. This kind of bromance was lightly explored with The Odd Couple, but it did not actually cross the threshhold until Tommy Boy.

1996 - With the release of The Cable Guy, a mediocre Jim Carrey film, we see the launch of what is today's most successful and noticeable packmance, The Frat Pack. Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Owen Wilson all collaborate for the first time on this film. The group will later add on the likes of Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, and Luke Wilson who will inspire the groups's name with 2003's Old School. They will continue to use each other in various projects including Zoolander, Meet the Parents, Anchorman, and Wedding Crashers.

2004 - TV begins to take it's stab at the bromance with FOX's hit House M.D. and the dynamic between it's main character Dr. Gregory House and his best friend Dr. James Wilson. This is a prime example of a bromance that works as both a Sidekick Bromance yet also displays elements of the adversarial bromance pioneered by Spade and Farley in Tommy Boy.

2005 - The stipulation that a bromance need be a homiosocial and cannot be a homosexual relationship is largely debated after Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal star as Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain. It is eventually decided by the same scientists that studied the Han/Chewie paradox that this does not constitute a bromance.

2008 - Brody Jenner debuts the show Bromance to find a best friend to replace Spencer Pratt. He almost ruins bromances for everybody. This is an event that from here on out shall be referred to as Bromance Hindenberg. The fallout from this is not over and the bromance is still recovering. It is agreed upon by all that Brody Jenner is a useless tool who turned his father from a god-like greatest athlete on the planet into a rubber-faced, dyslexic, butler to the Kardashians.

My Official Bucket List

It would be a misconception on your part if you assumed that all posts were created equal. There are certainly posts that I value over other posts. For some posts I spend hours researching and pre-planning so that my point comes across the way I want it to. For others, it's just more stream of consciousness, I sit down at the computer and pound out a post in half an hour. Some posts I am proud of and would love for all to hear my opinions, and other posts are just fodder so that I have exclusive content every week and people don't think I abandoned the blog. Certain posts I hope people will read to keep them coming back for more and others I hope are not the first ones that a person reads because then they will elicit a "meh?" from my reader. Well, this is a landmark post. This is the most important post in the history of this blog and the real reason that this blog was started. I like to thing that every blog has a purpose. There are probably people who mindlessly throw words out into the interwebs with no real end game, but that isn't me. The "theme" of this blog is The Lush Life...which is my formula for the American Dream. And while the first two years of this blog's life will be spent propagating the beliefs that the Lush Life espouses, I want you to know that I have a deeper, hidden purpose for blogging.

It won't be that well hidden anymore...because I'm going to tell you what it is. I would like it to be stated that while I want as many people as possible to follow and visit this blog and share it with friends and family...I have no desire to gain any sort of fame or notoriety from this blog. I have all of the Facebook friends that a guy could possibly need I don't even have a desire to be noted amongst other bloggers. Perez Hilton had better keep my name out of his god damn mouth. However, attaining a massive quantity of blog followers is exceptionally important to my end game. You see this blog, for me, is not so much a place to dump my opinions and feelings on the internet...it is my fountain of youth. I am 25 years old. Some might consider that to be a young and foolish age, but in today's American society, I am ancient. I am a relic. The rest of my life can be described as follows: works a crappy 40-60 hour-a-week job, tries to find a wife so he can produce offspring and save for them to go to college, and then dies. The odds of turning my life into a non-stop Nelly video became significantly smaller the day that I graduated college. In a world with responsibilities that increase with every passing day, I worry that I'll lose out on the luster that life has to offer...the stuff that most people see in the movies and think is fictional.

For those of us who sat through The Hours (a Nicole Kidman and Meryl Streep film) we may very well know that the movie takes it's title from the Virginia Woolf novel Mrs. Dalloway. In this book she states that the way humans live our lives, we fail to appreciate the beauty in the small things and because of this life, on the whole, can be quite dreary and unexceptional, but that everybody has certain "hours" of extraordinary happiness that make life worth living. Well, it is my mission to see to it that I wring as many "hours" as possible out of the life that I have left. I want to live like I'm dying. The problem is that unless you are dying and are able to forsake ten years from for the present, you often need other people's consent to live like you're dying. I have a friend, he knows who he is, who whenever he sees a bad movie states that he wishes he had those two hours of his life back...but then he spends about five to six hours a day playing video games or on his iPhone. I don't want to waste my life in this manner. I want to strive for adventure and the extraordinary. And I'm not too proud to admit that I might need some help. So, I have chosen to publish my bucket list and ask that you my friends and readership push me to go after it and let me know if you'd be willing to help me with any of the items that are listed here.

Having lots of blog followers also helps facilitate certain things that may be on this list. If I were to have a run in with the police for swimming in a public fountain or taking part in some bizarre mildly illegal flash mob, I feel confident that it would make for a better excuse if I said that I was doing it for a post on a blog that had 500 followers...rather than a blog that has 25. I also aspire to be able to interview interesting people for this blog. I currently have a quarterly segment called "Better Know a Ray's Friend". The next edition will be later this month. I'm hoping that in a year and half this will be replaced by a segment where I interview people with a little more human interest. I don't want to interview Tom Cruise. I'd need about one million followers to get him to come on the blog and then his publicist would hand me a list of approved questions and insist that he gets final cut. But I wouldn't mind interviewing somebody further down the pyramid of celebrity...even on the other side of the threshold of celebrity. All I want is a "person of interest". I'd like to interview a member of Cincinnati's city council or somebody who owns a classy downtown restaurant. I wonder if I can amass enough street cred to interview former Fab 5 member Ray Jackson. I could do a segment called Ray on Ray. Dare I dream, if I get enough followers I might even step it up and interview Gary Cole. And I make you this promise...once I reach 500 followers I will go after the whale that is Gary Cole and will not stop until I land him or somebody of his level of celebrity's ilk.

So please help me get there. Follow my blog and tell your friends to follow too. Because I view this blog as an "excuse". It's an excuse to do what I want to do and be who I want to be. I'm posting this right now because I view New Year's as a great time to get a new lease on life. I don't intend to finish this list this year...otherwise it would be a year list and not a bucket list. But this is by no means an exhaustive list of what I want to accomplish. This list has a half life. Every time I cross two things off of this list, one more will go back on. And whenever I cross something off I will inform you of it at the bottom of future posts so that you can keep abreast of my progress. Here it is...my bucket list:

1. Ride a motorcycle.
2. See the Australian Outback.
3. Get paid to do stand-up comedy.
4. Play a full, real game of Strip Poker.
5. Serve on a jury.
6. Work on a Habitat for Humanity home.
7. Brew my own beer.
8. Attend a gay wedding.
9. See a movie at a Drive-In theater.
10. Witness a match on Center Court at the US Open.
11. Run a marathon.
12. Take a full-on body shot.
13. Move into an apartment complex with a pool.
14. Learn to play tennis passably.
15. Prepare and eat something that I have killed.
16. Be published as a reader's letter in a magazine.
17. Get in at least one more punches-landing fight.
18. Attend Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
19. Learn to drive stick shift.
20. Donate Sperm.
21. Have business cards.
22. Pay for a stranger's dinner.
23. Eat at a fondue restaurant.
24. Make my last will and testament.
25. Play a game of jet ski paintball.
26. Go on a Venetian gondola ride.
27. Get this blog up to 100 followers, including one I have never met.
28. Make my own candles.
29. Get married.
30. Purchase something at a live auction.
31. Make the perfect omelette.
32. Place flowers on a grave site.
33. Ride a mechanical bull (or an actual bull).
34. Swim in one of the five best pools in the world. I have a list.
35. Catch a home run or foul ball at a Major League baseball game with my bare hands.
36. Get some of that "Hair Action" that those Axe commercials are always talking about.
37. Take a family member that I have never met before out to dinner.
38. Adopt a Family for Christmas.
39. Take a couples cooking class...with a dude. And make people think that we are a gay couple.
40. Fast for Ramadan.
41. Play some slammin' beach volleyball.
42. Attend at least 10 sports at a Summer Olympics.
43. Give a kick-ass toast at a wedding or a kick-ass eulogy at a funeral.
44. Make love on a pool table.
45. Work a job that I actually enjoy going to everyday.
46. Leave a great waitress or waiter a 100% tip.
47. Bowl a game of 215 or higher.
48. Get a dream interview for this blog. I have a list.
49. Attend a book signing.
50. Go on a weekend golf scramble with several friends.
51. Master the Sporcle Countries of the World challenge.
52. Obtain the elusive OSSG.
53. Send out my own Christmas Cards.
54. Reach my "sex weight" (estimated to be 190).
55. Play Pebble Beach.
56. Skinny dip in a natural hot spring.
57. Coach a children's sports team.
58. Visit my Denver friends in Denver.
59. Get a tattoo.
60. Test out the Grim Fandango.
61. Learn how to podcast and videocast and put them on this blog.
62. Donate blood again.
63. Order a Vermonster.
64. Pull off another truly epic prank on somebody.
65. Go indoor rock climbing.
66. Swim in the Devil's Pool at Victoria Falls.
67. Build a bomb-ass snowman.
68. Personal Item. Let your imagination run wild.
69. Own and regularly use a hammock.
70. Get an international pen pal.
71. Host a micro-brew beer tasting.
72. Have a foam party.
73. Go to a firing range and pop off some shots.
74. Have the Las Vegas experience.
75. Ride in a stretch limousine.
76. Live in a house with at least five other unrelated people.
77. Reach the Internet Gold Mark.
78. Help somebody cross something off of their bucket list.
79. Attend one of those Murder Mystery Dinners.
80. Be in the right place at the right time.
81. Go to the airport, randomly select a flight, and spend the weekend in that city.
82. Score above 50 on a purity test.
83. Successfully keep a personal planner for a whole year.
84. Have my own patented signature dish and cocktail.
85. Go geocaching. And find a 5/5 cache.
86. Make out with somebody on a cruise ship.
87. Fake a proposal at a restaurant with the intention of getting dessert or champagne on the house.
88. Donate an organ.
89. Play a drunken game of Truth or Dare.
90. Visit all 50 States.
91. Get a garish bathrobe and embroider a swank nickname onto it.
92. Get belligerently, ballistically drunk and have somebody take care of me. Then do the same for them.
93. Be a nude model for an art class.
94. Visit the Seven Wonders of the Modern World.
95. Work my way completely through a cookbook.
96. Achieve the Middle Spoon.
97. Drive around a Free Drunk Mobile for a night.
98. Go on a Great American Road Trip with friends or family.
99. Be elected to a city council.
100. Hire a hooker for the sole purpose of her making me pancakes.
101. Go kabrewing...or whatever the whiskey equivalent may be.
102. Run with the Bulls in Pamplona, Chase the Cheese in Glouchester, OR Participate in the Bubble Baba Challenge in Losevo.
103. Get to $50,000 in savings.
104. Have a child.
105. Take part in some community theater production or student film.
106. Have a drink at an ice bar.
107. Take photos of me completing this bucket list and use them for a Bucket List Calendar.
108. Be so ridiculously romantic/thoughtful/generous that I actually elicit tears from somebody.

You can also feel free to check on this list and see my updated progress at: http://bucketlist.org/list/PrimeToasta/. It's time for me to get busy living or get busy dying. Let me know if you want to help me live the dream, and as always, please follow my blog.