Hold That Thought: Launching the Tweet Fleet

I have allowed no ambiguity with the fact that I think that Twitter is dumb. I have cited many incredibly valid reasons: it's ruining the English language, it's inflating the egos of our youth, it creates a society of followers and not leaders. The list goes on and on. Read this excerpt from my last blog:

Twitter - Tweeting Is For Twats

I had to decide whether I should even talk about this in my blog. Is twitter even worth me taking the fifteen minutes out of my day to write against it? However, I eventually decided that even though Twitter is a waste of my time and yours, I can not stand by with my hands in my pockets as Twitter wrecks this great world we have. I have so many problems with Twitter I don't even really know where I should start.
I think I will start with the fact that Twitter is ruining literacy in it's quest to take down media as we know it. The reason that Twitter is so popular is because it takes very little time or commitment. It isn't like blogging where bloggers like me routinely put out 25,000+ character posts. Twitter limits you to 140 characters per post. Therefore, in order to put complete thoughts into post form on Twitter people have to cut corners. Da = the, cuz = because, dat = that, and even b = be. It's one thing for hip movie stars and athletes to use this lingo in posts but these are also being used by prestigious reporters and journalists in Twitterviews.

That's right, I said Twitterviews. Purportedly reputable journalists are conducting important interviews via Twitter. George Stephanopoulos kicked off this trend in March when he had a full interview with Senator John McCain on Twitter. I do have to give them credit for not deviating from standard American English as I had previously complained about but Stephanopoulous's questions and McCain's answers were still confined to 140 characters. This does make it a little snappier in terms of getting to the point and might make decent strides in helping to inform our ADD-riddled nation on political policies, agendas, and developments. However, I don't think most important political questions can be answered thoroughly in 140 characters. This will definitely sound snobbish but if you can't read an entire TIME Magazine article or watch a full 5-7 minute segment on CNN to learn about something maybe you don't deserve to be informed. Because on Twitter you are not informing yourself. You are half-ass informing yourself. You are getting the bare minimum in terms of information and you are getting information that the giver of said information wants you to have with absolutely no filter for the truth. If you told me that you picked up a piece of information on Twitter you may as well have not picked it up as far as I am concerned because it has no basis in reality.
The second reason that I hate Twitter is because it makes very mediocre people feel as though they are "special". It all comes back to special. People will get 40+ followers and think that people are so enthralled by their lives that they can post whatever they want and people will be hanging on their every movement. How else can you explain tweets like "time check to HP: t-circa 5 hours", "A great night and might have to go back out :)", "drinking a fresca", and "Had a great time at lunch today"? Are these really things that you need to keep me informed of? This is Twitter's biggest problem. 95% of it's users are no good at it. They don't know what information is interesting or pertinent. There is a reason that Ashton Kutcher has 2.85 million followers. It's not because he is the most famous, interesting celebrity on the planet. It has to do with the fact that he is one of the more interesting Twitter-er. Most people are terrible. They find certain facets of their life to be overtly interesting that are in fact quite boring. This leads to over-Twittering. Some people like to tell others what they are doing ever five minutes which leads to other people checking their Twitter every five minutes which creates a vicious cycle.
Twitter has also created a society of followers. There is a lot more following on Twitter than there is leading. The median number of posts per account is 1. This means that over half of Twitter isn't even posting anything. They are just following what other people are posting. Quit being a bunch of goons and go do something with your life.

But in attempting to promote this blog I have hit a bit of a wall and I have come to realize that the only way to get more meaningful hits and followers is to brand myself all over the internet. So I am joining that which I hate...with the recognition that everything I hated about it is still there and that I still hate all those things. However, I see that this is how we have chosen to propagate information in this country and if you aren't on the band wagon, you risk falling behind. You may decry me as a traitor and suggest that I change the name of this blog to the Twat and Bothered Effect. So be it. But to help this blog in its quest to reach 100 followers, I have joined Twitter (and Formspring and Youtube and Flikr amongst others). I will be "Tweeting" information that is pertinent to this blog such as upcoming posts and survey questions for future posts. I will not be just spouting off random thoughts, as clearly I cannot do that in 140 characters...but just for the hell of it, I thought I'd give you a look at what that would look like. So here are 50 sample tweets where I start a thought that can't be finished...

1. I now know my calling. I must be on a death panel. I've already found the important questions that will decide fates. Where can I sign up?

2. Did you know that the NCAA vacates wins, but not losses? So if you are going to pay athletes, take extra care to make sure they do not suck.

3. Is Orenthal James on the list of names that it is socially unacceptable to name your kid or would most Americans just not understand it?

4. Since JD Salinger passed, which reclusive potential Guest Blogger would score me the most hits? Harper Lee? Bill Watterson? Thomas Pynchon?

 

5. I get the feeling that this hotel room has seen its fair share of affordable hookers...quite possibly as recently as earlier this morning. 


6. National Hispanic Heritage Month runs from September 15 to October 15. That's not a real month. Can't Latinos even respect calendar borders?

7. Social Experiment: Tweet your intention to perform life-altering bad decisions in a few hours and see which of your friends try and stop you.


8. Taylor Swift has launched her own fragrance. I don't know if she's aware, but Beyonce's Heat perfume is one of the best scents of all time.

9. When someone tells you to give them a straight answer, make sure to go out of your way to give them a really ridiculously gay one.

10. Are you literate and looking for a good book? Fuck what Oprah thinks. Go to youarewhatyouread.scholastic.com and see books that others like.

11. My cat has taught me that mental conditioning requires too much time and patience and that water-boarding always needs to remain an option.


12. I just ate a whole Double Down from KFC. In related news, the Angel of Death apparently does not have a monopoly on killing first-born sons.

13. I'm making 5 years the official Spoiler Alert grace period. I refuse to apologize for discussing plot points to movies that came out in '98.


14. Trojan is a god awful name for a condom brand. It implies, like the Horse, that a bunch of little men are going to burst out and ruin lives.

15. Outback Steakhouse just provided my best meal this year, but the stark realization that the recession is far from over. http://bit.ly/dEGeal


16. The check-out lady told me that I was the last person in line, and then got mad at me for not enforcing it. I am not your gatekeeper, bitch.


17. Lincoln doesn't face forward like every other coin. I guess when somebody sneaks up behind you and shoots you in the head, it changes a man.

18. I'm not sure why my friend Andrew is so excited about the prospect of getting married. Liquor stores don't have registries last I checked.


19. Why do my favorite shows get cancelled, yet somehow JAG lasted ten seasons without having a single person that I know watch a whole episode?


20. Allegedly the country of Greece is beyond bankrupt. That's what you get for inventing practically everything before inventing the copyright.


21. If I were ever on Family Feud, I don’t think I could avoid saying: “I hope five of the hundred people surveyed are as retarded as you are.”


22. If I’m ever out of contention going into Final Jeopardy, I don’t think that I could avoid wagering “Suck It, Trebek!” on the final question.

23. If I'm expected to forego blowjobs and liquor to access heaven, there had better be more than a harp and a cloud for eternity when I arrive.
 
24. Let's take a lesson from April Fool's Day. All holidays should involve the energetic yelling of the holiday's name at some point. Labor Day!
 
25. Russell Brand might be a screwy-looking caveman, but I know that I want an entire country's award for Sex Maniac of the Year named after me.
 
26. You should be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: mostly just the part about murder.


27. If I could only pass on one piece of fatherly wisdom to my children, here it is: I have never met a Communist that I could not steal from.


28. When preparing for a gay wedding, is it customary to have one bachelor party with both grooms or does each groom get his own bachelor party?


29. I just snagged Kevin VanDam in my Pro Bass Fishing Fantasy League Draft. Who wants to throw me a high five? Suck it, Burrows and Van Dellen!


30. Not nearly enough people take advantage of the fact that you can have the bakery dude write anything you want on a customized birthday cake.

31. I love football, but a game that encourages a player to drop at the one yard line and foresake a wide-open touchdown has a fundamental flaw.

32. Life has been a tad dull and predictable lately. I need some excitement about now. You know what would make things interesting? The Rapture.

33. Whenever I'm drinking very heavily at a bar, it's always awkward when my drink to urinate cycle synchronizes with that of a total stranger.

34. Fairy tales are so hoity-toity. Can anybody explain to me the difference between porridge and oatmeal or curds and whey and cottage cheese?

35. I feel there's a lot of money to be made from a line of "Naughty Krav Maga" workout videos. Self-defense fitness needs an infusion of sexy.


36. I have run across many an awesome pair of cufflinks in my time. But too few are functional. These are very James Bond. http://bit.ly/eFHfbol


37. I don't understand people who commit suicide on the cheap. That's a purchase you get to go into the red on. Go big if you're not going home.


38. Ever since graduating college, I sometimes feel that my life is like a 90%-empty bottle of lube. The fun has been had and the party is over.


39. Taylor Swift's Speak Now is an old-school, 2Pac-style, Burn-Book, tell-all slam album. I think this means that she is fair game, Kanye.


40. This exercise has shown me that 140 characters severely restricts my intended message. I'm very thankful that I can use 100,000+ characters.

So as you can see from the above, you don't want me twittering my every random thought. I referenced the Taylor Swift-Kanye West feud twice in 40 tweets. This means that I've become a big tool just by practicing tweeting. You'll also notice that I also use exactly 140 characters every time. It's a matter of principle. But this is the still the way that it's got to be. My blog has already recieved a massive jump in hits since I joined Twitter...though no followers. By focusing my internet brand across Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Formspring, Flickr, and other social networking sites (sorry MySpace, you're a defunct site for sexual predators), I should be able to slowly but surely bring this blog along to the level of prominance that I hope to attain. I will use these services to network with no people and maybe even pick up an internet feud or two to drive interest. If only Boxxy were still around...I would love to pick a fight with that raccoon-eyed skank.

Alright, down to business. Here is all of my new-found social network information. If you are already following this blog then you have no reason to follow any of these...but if you are so inclined:

Twitter: I can be followed at @HotDamage.

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/people/Ray-OBrien/28700082   I have also joined the Networked Blogs app on Facebook...so people can now follow the Hot and Bothered Effect through Facebook without needing to fill out anything for Blogspot or GMail to follow.

Formspring: I operate under the handle TheLushLife. You can ask me questions here: http://www.formspring.me/TheLushLife.

YouTube: My username is HandBEffect. My videos can be found at: http://www.youtube.com/HandBEffect.

Flikr: I post photos from this blog under the handle reignmanxavier. My photos can be found here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hotandbotheredeffect/.