ETD Confidential: Introduction

I'm sure that I will at some point explore in a post my Top 5 Dream Jobs. These are the jobs that 12 year-old Ray dreamed that he might one day have before a Communications degree and a crappy job market shattered those dreams...possibly for good. And on that list there will certainly be Private Eye. Private Eyes are watching you pretty damn badass. Many of the best movies are about private eyes (e.g. The Maltese Falcon, Chinatown, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, L.A Confidential, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and Sherlock Holmes). Many of the best television shows are about private eyes (e.g. Veronica Mars, Psych, Hart to Hart, Moonlighting, Angel, The Rockford Files, and Murder, She Wrote). Even some of my favorite porn films are about private eyes, including my 8th favorite fictional porn film: Californication's Vaginatown. I'm sure that I could do a whole post on why fictional porn premises are better than most modern porn but last time I did a post about erotica my mom had a coronary...so I'll probably wait about a year before I decide to try that again. What I was trying to say is that being a private eye would be one of the sweetest jobs in the world if it is anything like mainstream media implies it to be. I'd get to go to work drunk, wear fedoras, be super cool in the face of danger, explore sewer systems, close my venetian blinds all sexy-like, and tell women that they have great "walking sticks".

No, there is no question in my mind that being a private detective would be more satisfying than a Not Guilty verdict after a workplace prank gone awry. But do I have what it takes to be a private eye? Private eyes are a certain type of person, and I don't see a lot of Magnum P.I. in me. I'm not as suave as Sam Spade. I'm not as snarky as Veronica Mars. And I'm not as recklessly daring as Philip Marlowe. Private Eyes need many things in order to be successful. They need to have tremendous concentration. And I'm not talking about "Boy This is a Hard Level of Angry Birds Concentration". I'm talking about "Ray is Playing Spin the Bottle with Michelle Monaghan and Four Old Greek Guys Concentration". Because that would be the most important spin of my life. I've only got one chance and if Michelle walks out that door while I'm stuck smooching that hairy bastard Kostas...I'll never forgive myself, so you know that my concentration on that spin is going to be an 11 out of 10. That is the level of concentration that private eyes need to have. Jessica Fletcher always solves the cases that the police can't because she notices the smallest little details like a dish that was rotated 90 degrees to the left by a non-meticulous poisoner or a suspect who has a pen from some hardware store that she visited in the first five minutes of the show disproving his alibi. Am I capable of that level of concentration without Michelle Monaghan and an empty Dr. Pepper bottle to motivate me?

Private Eyes also need confidence. They make ludicrous accusations based upon the most obscure minutia of evidence and they know that they're right no matter what. Even when the police refuse to believe them despite the fact that they were correct under similar circumstances in all of the previous 88 episodes. How can I do that? I question myself constantly. I can look at a menu for ten minutes and still have no clue what the correct decision is. I will constantly be looking around and second-guessing my meal selection throughout the entire dinner. Every day I make decisions and immediately feel whatever the non-purchase equivalent of buyer's remorse is. I think that this largely has to do with the fact that I don't feel sexy. Most private eyes are good lookers. Veronica Mars has been #1 on the Hot 100 for two consecutive years. Remington Steele has made more women moist in the nethers than a $30 tiramisu. And Thomas Magnum may not translate as well in the 21st Century, but with a moustache like that and the last name Magnum...he was a 1980's sexual icon. Am I capable of that level of confidence without the corresponding level of sex appeal?

But more important that concentration and confidence is the third "C". Cases! Every private eye needs a good case to investigate and those just don't seem to come around in La Canada, California the way they do in Cabot Cove, Maine. Seriously, how did that sleepy little town maintain it's population with over 268 murders over the course of 12 years. That's just ridiculous. That's beyond Compton's murder rate. We're talking about Cabot Cove having a murder rate that competes with Jaurez, Mexico. Nothing ever happens in La Canada. And when something does, it's so rare that we're able to devote all necessary police man power to the cause...usually eliminating the need for a private eye. There was a series of body dumpings in La Canada last month. I was driving by as I saw the police catch the guys on the 2 Freeway...so I think that that case is closed. But seriously there were like 40 police cars...I legit thought that OJ was on the loose. I could go old school and have swanky dames come to me with their problems Raymond Chandler-style, but I feel like I have to develop a reputation before that will work. And before I start to uncover the seedy crime-ridden underbelly of Los Angeles county...I might want to sharpen my skills investigating something a little more tame. We'll see what that will be in few weeks when this segment really kicks off.

Friday Night Writes: Time Travel Pair-of-Docs

[NOTE: This post will contain significant SPOILERS regarding the films The Time Machine and Back to the Future. Also, possibly Primer...I haven't decided yet on that one. If you wish to see these films unspoiled, please go watch them this week and then come back and read.]

The two docs being referred to in the title are Dr. Emmett Brown of Back to the Future and Dr. Alex Hartdegen of The Time Machine. I'm sure Stephen Hawking has discovered about 17 different types of time travel, each one more confusing than the last. However, for those of us that are less enlightened, there are two main branches of time travel. There is linear time travel and non-linear time travel which utilizes string theory. For those of you that aren't taking astrophysics, I will explain these through the use of two movies that correlate to the different varieties of time travel.

The first of these is the Warner Brothers and Dreamworks film The Time Machine starring Guy Pearce. I know that it was also an H.G. Wells book but I'm going to be using the movie to help me illustrate. And since I don't remember character names I will be referring to them by the actor's name. The film starts out with Guy Pearce strolling around town with his sweetheart Sienna Guillory (Jill from the Resident Evil movies). However, they are held up by a mugger who shoots Sienna and she dies in his arms.

Distraught by his lover's death, Guy Pearce decides that he's so smart that he will build a time machine to go back and save her from this horrendous fate. So four years later it's done. Bada-Boom-Bada-Bing...he goes back four years and diverts her path so that they will not run into the mugger. However, now she steps away for a second and is run over by a horse and carriage. He can't figure out what happened so he keeps trying and she keeps dying. Realizing that he might need somebody to drop some knowledge on him regarding time travel in order for him to effectively save his woman, Guy travels 130 years into the future. He goes to the public library and asks how the whole time travel thing works. He is informed by the hologram of a librarian that there is no such thing as time travel and that there never will be. Talk about being ahead of his time. This guy invented something over 130 years before anybody else was even close to conceiving it.

However, Guy, being the optimist that he is, thinks this means that humans are only a few years away. So rather than shooting another hundred years into the future he thinks seven years ought to do it. Still no dice. But this time he is able to witness humans explode the moon. Which knocks him unconscious mid-time travel and he doesn't wake up until 802,201AD. So they've got to have invented time travel by now, right? No, apparently. When we blew up the moon civilization actually reverted. Who would have thought? So now that I'm thoroughly off-track...Guy meets with the uber-Morlock Jeremy Irons, who explains to him that he can never save his girlfriend. This is because in our linear time if he were to go back and save her, his past self would never have any reason to invent the time machine and thus it would be creating a time paradox. He has an Oscar, we have to believe him. If you subscribe to this version of time travel it means that while you can alter the past...you can not never go back with specific intentions on altering the past. It has to happen organically outside of your intent.

This brings me to my second movie. I am of course referring to Robert Zemeckis' classic Back to the Future trilogy. These characters I know, so I won't be referring to them as Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Crispin Glover, and Leah Thompson. In this utterly-80s trilogy Doctor Emmitt Brown invents a time machine that is also a car. How practical! Also, it's a DeLorean. How bad ass! It is powered by weapons grade plutonium. Now getting less practical! And this plutonium powers the flux capacitor...which will take the occupant of the DeLorean to his or her desired point in time when the DeLorean reaches 88 miles per hour. This is a wise move because speeding tickets increase exponentially at 25 miles over the speed limit. So you don't want to be clocked going 90 on the highway and with this bad boy you never will be.

So anyway...Doc Brown gets shot by some angry Libyan terrorists and Marty uses the DeLorean as his getaway vehicle. He guns it and ends up in 1955. He inadvertently gets his own mother to fall in love with him making this the second classic PG series to feature incestuous undertones. Anyway, because his mother is now not on track to hook up with his father he risks the obvious consequence that he will cease to exist. By this point in the movie H.G. Wells is rolling over in his grave because of the numerous time paradoxes and cosmic wormholes that this would create. Luckily, Marty fixes his parents back up, the crisis is averted, and we don't have to hurt our heads with the scientific malfeasance of this plot. But the paradox that H.G. Wells wrote about still lingers in the mind of the curious movie-goer. These are the same people who wonder what will happen if Pinocchio tells you that his nose is going to grow. A paradox is created and his face will probably explode.

However, Zemeckis and the wonderful people at Universal Pictures decide to confront this conundrum head-on in the sequel. Marty accidentally clues Grandpa Biff into the fact that it would be a great idea to take a year 2015 Sports almanac back a few decades and watch the Benjamins pile up. So needless to say, Biff does this and when Doc and Marty go back to 1985...it's not the 1985 they remember. This is because Grandpa Biff took the Almanac back to 1955 and gave it to cocky high school bully Biff. So Marty recommends going back to 2015 and stopping this from happening. The only problem is that it's too late for this. Doc informs him that if they jet back to 2015 it will be drastically different because they are now in a parallel time line. He then explains this by busting out some multiple universe theory and some Junior String Theory physics which makes a lot of sense. And then I'm pretty sure he moons H.G. Wells and all of the haters in the Physics community who criticized the first movie and tells them to suck on that explanation. They then have to go back to 1955 to fix the root of the problem because that is where the time lines diverge to form parallel time lines. Therefore, you can go back in time to change the past. You'll just be changing it for yourself and any fellow time traveling companions because there are multiple yous living multiple different lives on a possibly infinite number of time lines. And BOOM! goes the dynamite.

So the question here is:

How do you like your time travel? 

Do you subscribe to H.G. Well's theory of time travel or are you a Doc Brown kind of guy/gal? There are pros and cons to each. As humans we like to believe that we have control over our destinies and the thought of changing our pasts is very alluring. However, this variety of time travel also forces you to believe that you are even more insignificant because there are tons of other parallel universes and in many of those people are suffering because Hitler won World War II, polio and small pox are still running rampant, and they canceled LOST after two seasons because the ratings didn't justify the cost. And nobody wants to be a German-speaking, crippled person forced to watch crappy TV. However, unlike Back to the Future suggests for the year 2015, in none of these possibly infinite parallel universes do the Cubs ever win a World Series. That is one thing that all time and space can agree on. Basically, when you go back in time to make things better...you're really only making things better for the current version of yourself and the universe that you spun off. Your previous universe and all of your friends therein are still fucked.

So, it's time for me to weigh in. This is a tough call. I love Back to the Future and I love the thought of controlling my destiny both in the future and in the past, but I have to side with H.G. Wells here. I know that a lot of you Michael J. Fox fans are upset with me. I also know that a lot of you think that I'm an idiot and you think that time travel doesn't exist. Of course it does. Whenever, I mix whiskey and tequila I always wake up around three days in the future in my magical time-traveling dumpster. It might not be a flux capacitor but it gets me where I need to go. And look at worm holes. Those things have to go somewhere. However, I don't believe that you can change the past. If you could there would be a shitload of people from the future running around fixing everything...and you don't see that do you. And even if they're sneaky it means that they did come back and fix a bunch of shit and this was the best they could do, and you know I don't believe that. Total rubbish. So while I will buy into time travel I can't put my stamp of approval on altering the past. But please weigh in. I would LOVE to hear your opinions.

Ray's Top 5: "I Want To Go To There" Places To Visit

I consider myself a man of the world. I can name all 197 countries in the world. I'm quite good with world capitals, major world leaders, population estimates, and geography. I keep up with current events from Europe to the Middle East to Sub-Saharan Africa. I've just never been to any of these places. I've never been off the continent. My parents have each been to Europe and Asia within the last year. My younger brother (26) spent a semester in Ireland and visited a whole handful of countries in Europe from Spain to the Netherlands to Italy. My other youngest brother (21) is going to Brazil this summer for the World Cup. That means that I will be the last member of my immediate family to leave the continent. I don't even have a passport. I can fill my head with knowledge, but I can't be a proper citizen of the world without experiencing it first hand. I've seen every corner of this country from the Grand Tetons to Time Square but I've remained for too long in the box that is America. Not having the time or resources for world travel can't be an excuse for too much longer. I've got to make time. I've got to make it work with my budget. The only question is where to I want to go when I get on that plane. This should serve as a list of my top 5 countries to visit. Please note that it's probably not an actual Top 5. Four of my top 5 are probably on the same continent (surprisingly NOT Europe) so I'll consider this the top 5 countries that I'd like to visit that are all from different continents that I haven't been to yet. My goal is to see the world and have different life experiences, but it's also to enjoy myself. I don't want to visit every country. These selections do not represent my desire to avoid poverty and destitution. They're represent my desire to avoid turmoil and unrest. Going to Ghana to build schools or provide clean water is great, it's noble. Doing anything in North Korea is just plain dumb. I have no desire to go to Afghanistan. I'm not so much concerned as to whether my shipment of capitalism, democracy, and freedom arrived safely to the people of Afghanistan...just have them let me know when they stop throwing acid on girls for attending school and I'll see if I can't book a weekend there. Even more developed countries that aren't as American-friendly are off the list as of present. Thailand looks beautiful, but I saw Brokedown Palace...I'll pass for now. Here's the current Top 5 on the approved Ray O'Brien Travel Wish List:

#5: Chile

The only reason that this ranks #5 is because South America is the only continent where I don't have a sure fire #1 MUST VISIT country. Argentina sounds awesome. I'd love to go to Peru and see Machu Pichu. In going with my Stay Alive Manifesto, the only places that I'll be avoiding like the plague are the favelas of Rio de Janeiro (after Brokedown Palace, I also saw City of God...amazingly good movie, terrifying casual violence), Venezuela for the obvious reasons that it's a corrupt, impoverished, violent, drug-riddled, post-apocalyptic squalor pit, and possibly Colombia (I'll need to do more research on just how common their neckties are in the post-Escobar era). However, Chile seems pretty righteous. It's a land of great food, literature, and culture. It's a land of mystery and history. It contains both Easter Island and the Galapagos Island. Through these I can explore the mysteries of early civilizations and the origins of man. The variance in it's landscape means that I will have beaches, mountains, deserts, and jungles to explore. The vineyards there are some of the best in the world. The largest swimming pool in the world is at the San Alfonso del Mar Resort in Chile. You can sail a boat in it. You can hike Patagonia. Chile is one of the best spots in the world for stargazing. And when you've grown tired of camping and sleeping under the stars (not sure that's possible) you can stay in a hotel like the one pictured on the left. That's right...that is a hotel.

#4: Tanzania

This selection is all about adventure. It's by far the lowest country on this list in terms of placement on the Human

Development Index. It's right about in the middle of the African countries. It places 22nd out of 52 African countries (#152 overall). The super elite-level intelligence people among you might be saying: "But Ray, Africa has 54 countries." Yes. It does. South Sudan and Somalia were not able to be rated. South Sudan has only been a country since 2011 and UN members were not able to gather sufficient data to rate Somalia...so let's assume that they fall below Tanzania. Or if you want to just see a movie and stereotype the country off Hollywood's depiction of it like Ray has already done twice in this post...watch Captain Phillips. This low HDI means that I'll most likely be roughing it on this trip. I'm not talking about hostel in Europe roughing it. I'm talking about questionable access to clean water roughing it. But there's SO much to do in Tanzania. The versatility of it's landscape and wildlife are what make it the most appealing destination. And this trip would be about getting back to my roots. Sure my ancestry is Irish, but since the oldest human remains were found in Tanzania...aren't we all really from Tanzania. There are three things that I must do in Tanzania. The first would be to go on a proper safari. The second is to go to The Rock restaurant off of Zanzibar. Thirdly, I want to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. Let's be honest...I'll never tackle Mount Everest. It requires a level of climbing expertise, disregard for safety, and tolerance of physical discomfort that I just don't have. I really don't have any desire to climb it. Sure, it's an accomplishment. But when it comes to mountain climbing, I'm in it for the view...and I hear that Kilimanjaro's is better. Everest may be the top of the world, but Kilimanjaro has an allure all it's own. When you look down from the summit of Everest you can gaze across the Himilayas at what I'm sure is a breathtaking view of all of the other 8,000 meter high peaks that in it's range. Do you know what mountain range Kilimanjaro is a part of? It's not. It's a lone tower rising high above the Serengeti. You can see for miles, into other countries. If you look at the picture on you're right, you'll see a view of Kilimanjaro...from Kenya. And more importantly, I can climb Kilimanjaro. It will take some training, but I wouldn't need to dedicate my life to it like I would Everest. There is very little technical expertise required to climb it. All you really need is to be in decent shape and properly pace your ascent over a week in order to properly acclimate. 

#3: Japan

Japan is a land of much beauty and much bizarre shit. Chile and Tanzania are must visits because as a lover of nature and exploration I have to experience the terrain that they would offer an adventurer such as myself. However, visiting Japan is just as much about immersing myself in the culture as it is about experiencing the actual landscape. The Japanese have cultural norms and extremes that are difficult for Americans to understand. They're so efficient that they've engineered square watermelons so that they can stack them easier without wasting space. They're youth are so tech-centric that they shower with their smart phones and idolize a cartoon hologram pop star at "live" concerts. It is discouraged to blow your nose but encouraged to loudly slurp your soup. They will wait hours in line to pet common house cats at cafes. You can't buy potato chips from a vending machine, but you can buy the used panties of teenage girls from vending machines. Sleeping at work is smiled upon by Japanese employers. They buy Hole-in-One insurance because otherwise they'd go into financial hardship from all of the gifts that they are expected to by for their friends and family after such an accomplishment. I probably have misunderstood or misrepresented more than one of these cultural oddities that I've listed...but that's all the more reason that I need to explore this fascinating land and people. I'd certainly need to spend some time in Tokyo to immerse myself in the people and the culture, despite the fact that Tokyo is otherwise my nightmare. I hate crowds and lines and Tokyo is just an interweaving series of both. The trains there hire people simply to push and pack passengers in to maximum capacity. No thanks. But after I've figured out what this place is all about, I'll head out to more rural Japan and take in the breathtaking beauty of it's natural landscapes. I want to see Mount Fuji. I want to see the cherry blossoms, the Sengen shrines, the Oshino Hakkai hot springs, and Shiraito Falls.  I also have a friend who lives in Osaka. Maybe Shigeki will let me crash on his Ashiatsu table.

#2: Malta

Europe has scores of desired travel locales that await my arrival. Friends have regaled me with tales of how places like Rome, Paris, Stockholm, and Prague are not to be missed and are the most incredible places that I'll ever lay my eyes upon. But the pull is not as strong to go to a place that has already been visited by those that I hold near and dear. I want to forge my own path. I want to set out for adventures unknown. I want to make like Stevie Nicks and go my own way. I can't throw a rock in a group of my friends without it ricocheting off of three people who have been to Rome. But have any of them ever been to Valletta? Malta looks awesome. It's certainly the road less traveled among Americans, but it's brimming with cultural beauty and centuries of history that AP European History didn't have time to cover. They're a very fun-loving, go-with-the-flow people. And boy do they take direction well...Napoleon was only in Malta for six days and he managed to end slavery, create twelve municipalities, and establish their current public finance, judicial, and public education systems. Say what you will about Napoleon's efficiency...that still requires a tremendous ability to take direction. They never even revolted against British imperialism, instead quietly gaining independence through diplomatic negotiations in 1964. They're a beautiful island nation. You can see some of their breathtaking scenery in the first season of Game of Thrones. However, seeing as Daenerys Targaryen's premiere nude scene and all of the scenes in and around Littlefinger's brothel were filmed in Malta...you may have been a little distracted from Malta's intrinsic beauty on a couple of occasions. But several films use Malta's picturesque scenery for filming locations, if at any point you were watching Gladiator, The Count of Monte Cristo, Cutthroat Island, Troy, or Never Say Never Again and thought "Wow, That is gorgeous"...the scene was probably shot in Malta. The photo at right shows a filming location for the movie Popeye. Tell me that you don't want to go there immediately. 

#1: Australia

I yearn for a land down under. If I ever win the lottery, or in the more likely case that my cancer scenario from the previous Friday Night Writes strikes, you all won't be seeing or hearing from me for at least a month. That's because I'll be taking my newly acquired resources or time and gallivanting off to embrace the wonders of Oceania. And it'll take about a month for me to even crack of the surface of all the things that I want to do in Australia. I've got little in interest in seeing the Australia that their tourism bureau hypes up. The Sydney Opera House may be among the world's most famous architectural feats but I've got little interest in fighting the masses to see it or Bondi Beach or Ayer's Rock. I'll take the road less traveled. Walkabouts are also fairly popular with visitors but I think that there's enough Outback for all of us...so that I might do. My Australian To Do List is a Sheppey long, but I'll share some of the highlights. I want to golf the longest golf course in the world. That would be Australia's Nullarbor Links. It might not be the longest in terms of playable distance, but it's 1365 kilometers long, as the holes are spread out along the Eyre Highway and spans the states of Western Australia and Southern Australia. I'd love to trek the Daintree Rainforest via bushwalks, morning river cruises, and 4WD tours...maybe even take part in one of their crocodile spotting expeditions. I'd love to swim with the dolphins at Monkey Mia, do some wine tasting in Hunter Valley, and play some baccarat at the Crown Casino in Melbourne. I might even join the crowds to engage in some of the more worthwhile tourist experiences such as climbing the Sydney Harbor Bridge, swimming in Lake McKenzie on Fraser Island, and scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef. I also might climb Mt. Kosciuszko. That way if I ever get to the top of Kilimanjaro I can tell people that I've climbed two of the Seven Summits to impress them, despite the fact that with a prominence of 7130 ft, it wouldn't even be the most challenging mountain I've conquered to date.


Thanks for reading. It's blog contest time. The first person who can correctly identify the six countries in this post's title graphic and post them in the comments will get $10.00 mailed to them by yours truly.

Ray's Top 5: Manliest Men

In honor of he who is all that is man, I felt that this was an appropriate weekly Top 5 topic. It seems appropriate in the wake of a post about Nicolas Cage, a man who proclaims that he regularly goes home and fucks the prom queen, can hot-wire a car in less than 60 seconds, and can eat a peach for hours. Here are Ray's Top 5 Manliest Men of all-time and shoo-ins for induction into the inaugural Man Hall of Fame ceremony in July.

5. Kevin Sorbo     b. 1958

Contrary to what legend might lead you to believe, Kevin Sorbo is actually much more manly than his fictional counterpart Hercules. Hercules might share his fantastic feathered hair and divinely chiseled abs, but the Sorbs lives a manly life that doesn't require one to build it up with hyperbolic legend. This is the main reason that Sorbo was able to beat out Isaiah Mustafa (Old Spice Guy) for the final spot (making me look like a racist for not having any diversity on this list), his manliness is based in reality. We're not looking for any smoke and mirrors here. The Most Interesting Man in the World and Chuck Norris are surely manly men, but their manliness levels have been highly elevated by ridiculous tales of whimsical accomplishments. Sure every man would love to have their blood smell like cologne and have their beard listed on their organ donor registration, but those things aren't manly...they're just ridiculous. The Sorb Daddy doesn't need to resort to these. What's wrong with just being a regular manly man without leaning on hyperbole. Kevin Sorbo is devoted husband and father. He's a masculine presence who has embodied such roles as Kull the Conquerer and who took over the Nick Prescott "Walking Tall" series from The Rock. And he's a survivor, whether it be surviving the tough Minnesota winters that he's had to deal with for most of his life to the three strokes that he survived in the 1990s. He's a self-made man who put himself through college and even with a promising modeling and acting career he has put this education to work. Being a truly well-rounded man is also about intelligence. He's directed for television, he offers thoughtful non-partisan political commentary as an interested party in agorism, and has authored a book. He's also good friends with Bruce Campbell, another card-carrying member of the Man Hall of Fame.

4. Grigory Rasputin     1869-1916

A major problem with people today is that they do an excessive amount of bitching and whining. People are constantly using Twitter and Facebook to let me know every little misfortune that arises during their day. And people are constantly flaking out on me because they are tired or have come down with some minor illness. Manliness is about being tough while taking what life gives you and dealing with it. If you've got fluish symptoms there is one person who is bound to have no sympathy for you: Grigory Rasputin. He was one tough motherfucker. Two and a half years before his death, he was stabbed repeatedly in the abdomen by a prostitute and had his intestines, liver, and stomach punctured. His assailant thought for sure that she had administered a mortal wound. He walked himself into the hospital and got patched right up. This act of manliness helped him prepare for the coup de grat.

When he was lured by Russian nobles to his assassination in 1916, they initially decided to poison him. They gave him massive amounts of cyanide, enough to easily kill five men, but it was unable to kill him due to his regular practice of mithridatism. Growing impatient some of the assassins went out to retrieve firearms and upon returning fired at Rasputin. Despite being hit at least four times, he was still able to grab Felix Yusupov and choke him out while muttering "You bad boy". He was then clubbed down by other members of the party, stabbed repeatedly, wrapped in a carpet with twine, and thrown into a freezing river. He was able to claw his way out of the bindings and despite his practically drowning he was deemed to have eventually died of hypothermia. Some reports claim that he did actually drown, but any way you want to slice it he survived for almost an entire day what almost no other man could. The varied reports stem from the fact that the original autopsy report along with several researchers who had seen it disappeared during the Stalin Era. But during no account is his manly pain threshhold debated. It is also alleged that for as ugly a man as he was, he did quite well with the ladies. His sexual conquests insinuate that he dipped his little comrade into many a Romanov duchess and let it soak...if you catch my drift. And that's why he's on this list and not Wilt Chamberlain. Any celebrity who is horny enough and has enough time on his hands can sleep with 20,000 women. We're all about degree of difficulty here. Try sleeping with the Grand Pooh Bah's main squeeze. That is ballsy. As celebrated fictional manly man Omar Little would say: "How you expect to run with the wolves come night when you spend all day sparring with the puppies?"

3. Mike Gundy     b. 1967

This is the man who started it all. He is the reason why the Man Hall of Fame was started. If this Hall of Fame ever leaves my blog and becomes an actual building...they should probably put it in Stillwater, Oklahoma. The Man Hall of Fame is not about differentiating men and women. Women are perfectly capable of being tough, brave, and enjoying red meat. The Man Hall of Fame is about separating men from boys. It explores the passage from boyhood into manhood and who we should look towards to be the manliest that we can be. Well, Mike Gundy made me question what it really means to be a man with his now infamous "I'm a Man! I'm 40!" rant. Does simply being 40 make one a man? Or is there something more to it? While I certainly agree that Mike Gundy is a man, I have to disagree that it has anything to do with his age. I've met 13 year-olds that had been through so much and taken on such burdens that they qualify as full men, and I've met 40 year-olds who are still nothing more than little boys. There is no one thing that signifies the transition from boyhood into manhood. It's an endless journey that at some point crosses a threshold where people accept that you have made it. However, one of the biggest differences between men and boys is the responsibility and role of protector that they embody. That role of protector has shifted drastically over the years. Cavemen used to protect their loved ones from mighty beasts...now the threats are a little different. And that's where Mike Gundy comes in.

It's very hard for a manly man to tolerate bullying. And now with the proliferation of social media, such as the blog, we have entered an age of cyber-bullying. Anybody can be a bully now. It's not just for meat heads anymore. These days all you have to have is slightly thicker skin than the person who you're picking on. Well, with the current climate it is even harder on high-profile people. And oftentimes this is understood. If you're a movie star making millions of dollars in Hollywood...you have to put up with that. If you're a struggling college player with no pro prospects playing in Stillwater, Oklahoma...this criticism might be undue. So when somebody is bullying a member of your family, you have a responsibility as the pater familias to throw down the hammer on them. When it's another kid bullying your kid, as an adult you have to handle things like an adult and teach your kid how to land punches rather than landing them yourself. But if an adult is bullying one of your kids...you eviscerate them with as little mercy as possible. And when that means throwing a alleged misquoting, fact-stretching, media member out into the wolfpack that she is a part of in a post-game rant...I am all for it. Protecting one's family and loved one's is the most important responsibility of manhood. It is a man's primary duty above all others.

2. Mick Foley     b. 1965 

Mick Foley certainly qualifies for this list on multiple grounds of manliness. Anybody who knows the Mick Foley story knows that he has one of the highest pain thresholds of any human being out there. He lost his ear in match with Big Van Vader in 1993, he wrestled in Death Matches in Japan where they make use of barbed wire and light explosives, and his 1998 King of the Ring Hell in a Cell match against The Undertaker left him with a laundry list of real life injuries that made for the most amazing match in the history of wrestling. I am aware that professional wrestling is scripted. It is for all intents and purposes "fake". Steve Austin and Vince McMahon don't really go home and plot how to destroy each other. Kane isn't really a hideous burn victim. And when Al Snow is being hit in the head repeatedly with a steel chair, it isn't really landing with full force. However, don't confuse "fake" with "painless" or even "safe". Sometimes things hurt even worse than they look. And as far as the 1998 Hell in a Cell match goes...there isn't a way to fake falling off a 20+ foot structure onto your back, no matter what you land on. I think it's a large misnomer that an athlete has to play a sport. Because there are plenty of race car drivers and golfers who are not athletes but play a sport, and while pro wrestling is not a sport...pro wrestlers are most certainly athletes. And few athletes in any sport have taken more of a physical pounding than Mick Foley.

But his Man Hall of Fame induction isn't all about physical toughness and pain threshold. He also possesses a great deal of intellect and mental toughness. He has written numerous New York Times Bestsellers. And while Snooki may have proven that any dumb mook can have a book, I assure you it's significantly harder when you don't use a ghost writer and write it longhand by yourself in less than two months. He is well-spoken and thought-provoking. And the reason that he has developed such a cult of personality is because he knows what people want and he gives it to them. This is a man who gave up the chance at a WWE title and served a suspension because the fans at MSG were chanting his name and he decided that it would be a good idea to try and unscripted elbow drop on The Rock from the top of the cage. He also managed to cultivate such memorable and enjoyable characters during his time in the WWE and knew how to work a crowd. We know that matches are scripted, but most people don't realize that the promos that wrestlers spit are often not written for them. Wrestling actually requires a good deal of improvisational acting. Which is why really good promo guys like The Rock can go on to successful movie careers. And if anybody wants to bash The Rock's movie career I have only three words for you: Just. Bring. It.

1. Pat Tillman     b. 1976-2004

There are few things more respected by the masses in the United States of America than dignified
military service. Opinions may vary wildly on the necessity of various engagements that are military is involved in and the extent to which we spend government dollars on the military's dalliances into foreign matters, but few would debate that the American military is a necessary part of what makes America great. Few would also deny sacrifices of the 1.4 million fighting men and women who defend our country. And while there are benefits such as education grants and family insurance coverage...it's a job that most of us would not wish to take on. Which makes it even more impressive when a man who has a job that tens of millions of men desire and who has no need of education grants and family insurance coverage would voluntarily enlist to fight in the most dangerous warzone overseas in the prime of his lauded career. Many would try to answer the question of exactly why he would do this. In searching for the answer, we find the true pulp of what it means to be a man.

From anything we know about Pat Tillman, he had an extremely close relationship to his family and was exceedingly loyal to his friends and community. He turned down a 9 million dollar offer from the Rams to stay with the Cardinals for significantly less money. He and his brother both enlisted in May of 2002, his brother turning down an offer from the Cleveland Indians to do so. The September 11th attacks were cited as the impetus for his enlistment. Keeping those that he cared about safe was his first priority. And that is truly the manliest of all traits, prioritizing properly. Having a sense of duty and constantly keeping that in your line of sight is what we need more of in today's society. The historic duty of a man has been the protection of those over whom he is responsible, and while it may be a dated duty in our evolving modern society...it's still an important one. Chivalry and honor are not just some veiled tool of the patriarchy. They're a common decency that lights the way and sets an example for our children to aspire towards. It might be cliche for me to honor an athlete and war hero as the pinnacle of all that is man over an intellectual or a humanitarian. But I believe that men have to place the highest of value on loyalty, bravery, duty, and selflessness...and this is what Pat Tillman brought to the table.