ETD Confidential: Introduction

I'm sure that I will at some point explore in a post my Top 5 Dream Jobs. These are the jobs that 12 year-old Ray dreamed that he might one day have before a Communications degree and a crappy job market shattered those dreams...possibly for good. And on that list there will certainly be Private Eye. Private Eyes are watching you pretty damn badass. Many of the best movies are about private eyes (e.g. The Maltese Falcon, Chinatown, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, L.A Confidential, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and Sherlock Holmes). Many of the best television shows are about private eyes (e.g. Veronica Mars, Psych, Hart to Hart, Moonlighting, Angel, The Rockford Files, and Murder, She Wrote). Even some of my favorite porn films are about private eyes, including my 8th favorite fictional porn film: Californication's Vaginatown. I'm sure that I could do a whole post on why fictional porn premises are better than most modern porn but last time I did a post about erotica my mom had a coronary...so I'll probably wait about a year before I decide to try that again. What I was trying to say is that being a private eye would be one of the sweetest jobs in the world if it is anything like mainstream media implies it to be. I'd get to go to work drunk, wear fedoras, be super cool in the face of danger, explore sewer systems, close my venetian blinds all sexy-like, and tell women that they have great "walking sticks".

No, there is no question in my mind that being a private detective would be more satisfying than a Not Guilty verdict after a workplace prank gone awry. But do I have what it takes to be a private eye? Private eyes are a certain type of person, and I don't see a lot of Magnum P.I. in me. I'm not as suave as Sam Spade. I'm not as snarky as Veronica Mars. And I'm not as recklessly daring as Philip Marlowe. Private Eyes need many things in order to be successful. They need to have tremendous concentration. And I'm not talking about "Boy This is a Hard Level of Angry Birds Concentration". I'm talking about "Ray is Playing Spin the Bottle with Michelle Monaghan and Four Old Greek Guys Concentration". Because that would be the most important spin of my life. I've only got one chance and if Michelle walks out that door while I'm stuck smooching that hairy bastard Kostas...I'll never forgive myself, so you know that my concentration on that spin is going to be an 11 out of 10. That is the level of concentration that private eyes need to have. Jessica Fletcher always solves the cases that the police can't because she notices the smallest little details like a dish that was rotated 90 degrees to the left by a non-meticulous poisoner or a suspect who has a pen from some hardware store that she visited in the first five minutes of the show disproving his alibi. Am I capable of that level of concentration without Michelle Monaghan and an empty Dr. Pepper bottle to motivate me?

Private Eyes also need confidence. They make ludicrous accusations based upon the most obscure minutia of evidence and they know that they're right no matter what. Even when the police refuse to believe them despite the fact that they were correct under similar circumstances in all of the previous 88 episodes. How can I do that? I question myself constantly. I can look at a menu for ten minutes and still have no clue what the correct decision is. I will constantly be looking around and second-guessing my meal selection throughout the entire dinner. Every day I make decisions and immediately feel whatever the non-purchase equivalent of buyer's remorse is. I think that this largely has to do with the fact that I don't feel sexy. Most private eyes are good lookers. Veronica Mars has been #1 on the Hot 100 for two consecutive years. Remington Steele has made more women moist in the nethers than a $30 tiramisu. And Thomas Magnum may not translate as well in the 21st Century, but with a moustache like that and the last name Magnum...he was a 1980's sexual icon. Am I capable of that level of confidence without the corresponding level of sex appeal?

But more important that concentration and confidence is the third "C". Cases! Every private eye needs a good case to investigate and those just don't seem to come around in La Canada, California the way they do in Cabot Cove, Maine. Seriously, how did that sleepy little town maintain it's population with over 268 murders over the course of 12 years. That's just ridiculous. That's beyond Compton's murder rate. We're talking about Cabot Cove having a murder rate that competes with Jaurez, Mexico. Nothing ever happens in La Canada. And when something does, it's so rare that we're able to devote all necessary police man power to the cause...usually eliminating the need for a private eye. There was a series of body dumpings in La Canada last month. I was driving by as I saw the police catch the guys on the 2 Freeway...so I think that that case is closed. But seriously there were like 40 police cars...I legit thought that OJ was on the loose. I could go old school and have swanky dames come to me with their problems Raymond Chandler-style, but I feel like I have to develop a reputation before that will work. And before I start to uncover the seedy crime-ridden underbelly of Los Angeles county...I might want to sharpen my skills investigating something a little more tame. We'll see what that will be in few weeks when this segment really kicks off.