Ray's Top 5: Manliest Men

In honor of he who is all that is man, I felt that this was an appropriate weekly Top 5 topic. It seems appropriate in the wake of a post about Nicolas Cage, a man who proclaims that he regularly goes home and fucks the prom queen, can hot-wire a car in less than 60 seconds, and can eat a peach for hours. Here are Ray's Top 5 Manliest Men of all-time and shoo-ins for induction into the inaugural Man Hall of Fame ceremony in July.

5. Kevin Sorbo     b. 1958

Contrary to what legend might lead you to believe, Kevin Sorbo is actually much more manly than his fictional counterpart Hercules. Hercules might share his fantastic feathered hair and divinely chiseled abs, but the Sorbs lives a manly life that doesn't require one to build it up with hyperbolic legend. This is the main reason that Sorbo was able to beat out Isaiah Mustafa (Old Spice Guy) for the final spot (making me look like a racist for not having any diversity on this list), his manliness is based in reality. We're not looking for any smoke and mirrors here. The Most Interesting Man in the World and Chuck Norris are surely manly men, but their manliness levels have been highly elevated by ridiculous tales of whimsical accomplishments. Sure every man would love to have their blood smell like cologne and have their beard listed on their organ donor registration, but those things aren't manly...they're just ridiculous. The Sorb Daddy doesn't need to resort to these. What's wrong with just being a regular manly man without leaning on hyperbole. Kevin Sorbo is devoted husband and father. He's a masculine presence who has embodied such roles as Kull the Conquerer and who took over the Nick Prescott "Walking Tall" series from The Rock. And he's a survivor, whether it be surviving the tough Minnesota winters that he's had to deal with for most of his life to the three strokes that he survived in the 1990s. He's a self-made man who put himself through college and even with a promising modeling and acting career he has put this education to work. Being a truly well-rounded man is also about intelligence. He's directed for television, he offers thoughtful non-partisan political commentary as an interested party in agorism, and has authored a book. He's also good friends with Bruce Campbell, another card-carrying member of the Man Hall of Fame.

4. Grigory Rasputin     1869-1916

A major problem with people today is that they do an excessive amount of bitching and whining. People are constantly using Twitter and Facebook to let me know every little misfortune that arises during their day. And people are constantly flaking out on me because they are tired or have come down with some minor illness. Manliness is about being tough while taking what life gives you and dealing with it. If you've got fluish symptoms there is one person who is bound to have no sympathy for you: Grigory Rasputin. He was one tough motherfucker. Two and a half years before his death, he was stabbed repeatedly in the abdomen by a prostitute and had his intestines, liver, and stomach punctured. His assailant thought for sure that she had administered a mortal wound. He walked himself into the hospital and got patched right up. This act of manliness helped him prepare for the coup de grat.

When he was lured by Russian nobles to his assassination in 1916, they initially decided to poison him. They gave him massive amounts of cyanide, enough to easily kill five men, but it was unable to kill him due to his regular practice of mithridatism. Growing impatient some of the assassins went out to retrieve firearms and upon returning fired at Rasputin. Despite being hit at least four times, he was still able to grab Felix Yusupov and choke him out while muttering "You bad boy". He was then clubbed down by other members of the party, stabbed repeatedly, wrapped in a carpet with twine, and thrown into a freezing river. He was able to claw his way out of the bindings and despite his practically drowning he was deemed to have eventually died of hypothermia. Some reports claim that he did actually drown, but any way you want to slice it he survived for almost an entire day what almost no other man could. The varied reports stem from the fact that the original autopsy report along with several researchers who had seen it disappeared during the Stalin Era. But during no account is his manly pain threshhold debated. It is also alleged that for as ugly a man as he was, he did quite well with the ladies. His sexual conquests insinuate that he dipped his little comrade into many a Romanov duchess and let it soak...if you catch my drift. And that's why he's on this list and not Wilt Chamberlain. Any celebrity who is horny enough and has enough time on his hands can sleep with 20,000 women. We're all about degree of difficulty here. Try sleeping with the Grand Pooh Bah's main squeeze. That is ballsy. As celebrated fictional manly man Omar Little would say: "How you expect to run with the wolves come night when you spend all day sparring with the puppies?"

3. Mike Gundy     b. 1967

This is the man who started it all. He is the reason why the Man Hall of Fame was started. If this Hall of Fame ever leaves my blog and becomes an actual building...they should probably put it in Stillwater, Oklahoma. The Man Hall of Fame is not about differentiating men and women. Women are perfectly capable of being tough, brave, and enjoying red meat. The Man Hall of Fame is about separating men from boys. It explores the passage from boyhood into manhood and who we should look towards to be the manliest that we can be. Well, Mike Gundy made me question what it really means to be a man with his now infamous "I'm a Man! I'm 40!" rant. Does simply being 40 make one a man? Or is there something more to it? While I certainly agree that Mike Gundy is a man, I have to disagree that it has anything to do with his age. I've met 13 year-olds that had been through so much and taken on such burdens that they qualify as full men, and I've met 40 year-olds who are still nothing more than little boys. There is no one thing that signifies the transition from boyhood into manhood. It's an endless journey that at some point crosses a threshold where people accept that you have made it. However, one of the biggest differences between men and boys is the responsibility and role of protector that they embody. That role of protector has shifted drastically over the years. Cavemen used to protect their loved ones from mighty beasts...now the threats are a little different. And that's where Mike Gundy comes in.

It's very hard for a manly man to tolerate bullying. And now with the proliferation of social media, such as the blog, we have entered an age of cyber-bullying. Anybody can be a bully now. It's not just for meat heads anymore. These days all you have to have is slightly thicker skin than the person who you're picking on. Well, with the current climate it is even harder on high-profile people. And oftentimes this is understood. If you're a movie star making millions of dollars in Hollywood...you have to put up with that. If you're a struggling college player with no pro prospects playing in Stillwater, Oklahoma...this criticism might be undue. So when somebody is bullying a member of your family, you have a responsibility as the pater familias to throw down the hammer on them. When it's another kid bullying your kid, as an adult you have to handle things like an adult and teach your kid how to land punches rather than landing them yourself. But if an adult is bullying one of your kids...you eviscerate them with as little mercy as possible. And when that means throwing a alleged misquoting, fact-stretching, media member out into the wolfpack that she is a part of in a post-game rant...I am all for it. Protecting one's family and loved one's is the most important responsibility of manhood. It is a man's primary duty above all others.

2. Mick Foley     b. 1965 

Mick Foley certainly qualifies for this list on multiple grounds of manliness. Anybody who knows the Mick Foley story knows that he has one of the highest pain thresholds of any human being out there. He lost his ear in match with Big Van Vader in 1993, he wrestled in Death Matches in Japan where they make use of barbed wire and light explosives, and his 1998 King of the Ring Hell in a Cell match against The Undertaker left him with a laundry list of real life injuries that made for the most amazing match in the history of wrestling. I am aware that professional wrestling is scripted. It is for all intents and purposes "fake". Steve Austin and Vince McMahon don't really go home and plot how to destroy each other. Kane isn't really a hideous burn victim. And when Al Snow is being hit in the head repeatedly with a steel chair, it isn't really landing with full force. However, don't confuse "fake" with "painless" or even "safe". Sometimes things hurt even worse than they look. And as far as the 1998 Hell in a Cell match goes...there isn't a way to fake falling off a 20+ foot structure onto your back, no matter what you land on. I think it's a large misnomer that an athlete has to play a sport. Because there are plenty of race car drivers and golfers who are not athletes but play a sport, and while pro wrestling is not a sport...pro wrestlers are most certainly athletes. And few athletes in any sport have taken more of a physical pounding than Mick Foley.

But his Man Hall of Fame induction isn't all about physical toughness and pain threshold. He also possesses a great deal of intellect and mental toughness. He has written numerous New York Times Bestsellers. And while Snooki may have proven that any dumb mook can have a book, I assure you it's significantly harder when you don't use a ghost writer and write it longhand by yourself in less than two months. He is well-spoken and thought-provoking. And the reason that he has developed such a cult of personality is because he knows what people want and he gives it to them. This is a man who gave up the chance at a WWE title and served a suspension because the fans at MSG were chanting his name and he decided that it would be a good idea to try and unscripted elbow drop on The Rock from the top of the cage. He also managed to cultivate such memorable and enjoyable characters during his time in the WWE and knew how to work a crowd. We know that matches are scripted, but most people don't realize that the promos that wrestlers spit are often not written for them. Wrestling actually requires a good deal of improvisational acting. Which is why really good promo guys like The Rock can go on to successful movie careers. And if anybody wants to bash The Rock's movie career I have only three words for you: Just. Bring. It.

1. Pat Tillman     b. 1976-2004

There are few things more respected by the masses in the United States of America than dignified
military service. Opinions may vary wildly on the necessity of various engagements that are military is involved in and the extent to which we spend government dollars on the military's dalliances into foreign matters, but few would debate that the American military is a necessary part of what makes America great. Few would also deny sacrifices of the 1.4 million fighting men and women who defend our country. And while there are benefits such as education grants and family insurance coverage...it's a job that most of us would not wish to take on. Which makes it even more impressive when a man who has a job that tens of millions of men desire and who has no need of education grants and family insurance coverage would voluntarily enlist to fight in the most dangerous warzone overseas in the prime of his lauded career. Many would try to answer the question of exactly why he would do this. In searching for the answer, we find the true pulp of what it means to be a man.

From anything we know about Pat Tillman, he had an extremely close relationship to his family and was exceedingly loyal to his friends and community. He turned down a 9 million dollar offer from the Rams to stay with the Cardinals for significantly less money. He and his brother both enlisted in May of 2002, his brother turning down an offer from the Cleveland Indians to do so. The September 11th attacks were cited as the impetus for his enlistment. Keeping those that he cared about safe was his first priority. And that is truly the manliest of all traits, prioritizing properly. Having a sense of duty and constantly keeping that in your line of sight is what we need more of in today's society. The historic duty of a man has been the protection of those over whom he is responsible, and while it may be a dated duty in our evolving modern society...it's still an important one. Chivalry and honor are not just some veiled tool of the patriarchy. They're a common decency that lights the way and sets an example for our children to aspire towards. It might be cliche for me to honor an athlete and war hero as the pinnacle of all that is man over an intellectual or a humanitarian. But I believe that men have to place the highest of value on loyalty, bravery, duty, and selflessness...and this is what Pat Tillman brought to the table.