March Guest Blogger -- Drew Bledsoe

Drew Bledsoe of TonyHomo.com

Hello Followers of the Hot and Bothered Effect.

As has been promised to you, once a month I will have a guest blogger from another blog come and post on the Hot and Bothered Effect so that you can get an appreciation for different writing styles, points of view, and blogs. It will also give other blogs operated by friends of mine to get some exposure for their blogs as well as exposing my readers to blogs that I like. This month's Guest Blogger will be future Hall of Fame quarterback Drew Bledsoe who operates TonyHomo.com. His blog gives you a look at the world through the eyes of an egotistical, burger-loving, pratical-joking, questionable-parenting back-up quarterback who has just been benched in favor of the young Tony Romo. As you may have figured out this is not the real Drew Bledsoe's blog (probably). It also is a little dated as the author stopped this blog and moved on to straightcashhomey.net shortly after Bledsoe retired. However, while this blog was regularly posting it was easily one of the funniest blogs on the internet and even though the events that it describes are now three to four years in the past...it is still hysterical read. Here is an excerpt from TonyHomo.com:

Hi everybody. Drew Bledsoe here. I wanted to make an announcement before the rumors start to get out of hand: Today I have decided to part ways with the Dallas Cowboys.

It feels so good to write my first blog post as a free agent! I feel like a swinging bachelor again. No cares… no concerns… no worries. True Story: Earlier today, I got home and my son ran towards me to give me a hug. I just shoved him out of the way, grabbed a Burger outta the fridge, and left the house again. Can you possibly fathom how liberating that felt?!

It’s only been 12 hours since I marched into Jerry’s office and demand he cut me, but it feels like a lifetime. I’ve even stopped cutting my hair and shaving (which I normally do twice a day.) The freedom I am feeling right now… it’s… indescribable. It’s like eating a Burger for the first time after taking a day off Burgers.

So how did it happen? Well, you’ll hear many things on SportsCenter tonight. Stuff like “This was a salary cap decision.” That’s not true. What do I care if the Cowboys are over the salary cap? That’s not my problem. That had nothing to do with why I demanded to get cut.

I quit the Cowboys because a future Hall of Famer has no place on the bench. I quit because there aren’t enough Burgers in the world to hire me as Tony Homo’s mentor and coach — not with only 15-20 years left on this arm.

You should have seen this meeting you guys. It was a little sad. I mean, have you ever seen a billionaire beg before? There he was, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys literally getting down on his hands and knees, trembling before me, pleading that I stay for one more season.

I told him straight up: thanks but no thanks. I explained I had a date with Destiny (that’s my wife’s nickname) and no time left in my busy day to wipe tears off my shoes.

That’s when it got really sad — He lunged at my ankle and held on, hoping to act as a human anchor.

I told him, “Jerry, get up.”

“No!” he replied, “Not until you promise to stay.”

“Jerry, you’re scratching my shoes you Botoxed piece of shit. Get up!”

“NO!!! Please!!! How would you like a ten pound Burger! With a bun made out of ground beef?”

“You mean another one?”

“I’m so sorry Drew! I fired that idiot Parcells for starting Homo. I made a huge mistake! I admit that!”

Then I stared at him. Knowing that my next words would be the last he would ever hear me say, I decided to pick them wisely.

“Go Fuck Yourself, Dick-Bag.”

I kicked him into the wall and power-walked out of his office. Out of his life. Out of the Cowboys. I was a free man. And I felt good.

So what’s next for me?

As of now, I’m enjoying the time off. I’ve taken up several hobbies since I became a free agent this afternoon. I can now sail. I’m a PADI certified SCUBA instructor. And most recently, I’ve been acknowledged as a fifth degree level dungeon master at D&D. I’m also taking painting classes.

I know the time will soon come for me to look at the grand all-you-can-eat buffet containing the other 31 teams in the league and make my decision. But as of now I’m not trying to think about it.

Obviously, certain teams need me more than others. The Patriots would be a great fit, and a natural next step for me. The Colts, another team who is certainly high on my radar just because they possess everything needed to win a Super Bowl. I just feel the pieces are in place to make a championship run.

I mean, you could make a case for any team. But for now, I’m just enjoying single life, you know? It feels good to be back!

The Lush Life Chronicles - - Volume 7: The Son

What good is having all of the necessary pillars of  The American Dream if you don't know why you need them. In order to live The Lush Life it is important that you possess as  many of the pillars as possible but also use them as they were intended. This is never more evident than in the case of The Son. The Son is a concept that almost everybody dreams about having but that a limited number ever really achieve. I would consider it to be one of the more unattainable pillars of The Lush Life. And while a boatload of people have all of the framework for The Son, there misuse of it means that they have not achieved The Son. Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, and Charlie Sheen all clearly could have The Son, but they choose to not even come close. As you've guessed by now The Son is not necessarily a physical son...or necessarily an offspring of any kind. You don't need to have kids to fulfill this pillar, though this pillar is named The Son because one's child is often the party that fulfills this relationship need. It's also named The Son because the first two revealed Relationship Pillars are The Kelli and The Clark...I'll let you do the math. The Son is a symbiotic relationship, and when you take too much from The Son without giving enough back as the aforementioned celebrities tend to do you are no longer living The Son.

The Son is a self-esteem booster. People like to think that they want others to see them the way they see themselves. These people obviously have a high opinion of themselves. I can often be my biggest critic and would much prefer for people to see me as better than I see myself. I know all of my flaws and I don't want others to see those in me...I want people to see a perfect version of Ray. To my knowledge, there are currently zero people who think that I am perfect. However, I guy can hope. And that's why I need The Son. The Son is somebody who thinks that you hang the moon at night. They are somebody who is capable of seeing you as the best possible version of yourself. That has to sound pretty great doesn't it. Everybody wants to have fans and admirers. The question is: What would you do if you did? If I told you that you had 10 people who would worship your every action and hang on your every word, would you act any differently? Hopefully that answer is "Yes". For that is the purpose of The Son. The Son is somebody who looks up to you and who's admiration makes you want to be a better person and role model.

Too many people today think of popularity and esteem in the eyes of others as a perk that can bring a certain amount of means with it. Too few people realize that it is a responsibility. With popularity and esteem comes influence and with influence comes the ability to affect important decisions and incite change. But it's too rare a case where the person providing the influence and the admiration gets anything out of the relationship. The example in which this occurs most often is the functional parent/child relationship. It is in a child's nature to idolize their parents. It also in a parent's nature to provide for their child and try to live a better life for them. Having a child might be the most practical and gratifying way to fulfill this relationship in your life, but I'm not saying it's the easiest. The problem is that without creating another human life with your biological hanky panky who you then proceed to physically, emotionally, and financially care for over the next few decades...how do you get somebody to idolize you? If we go on the Twittersphere and examine who has a lot of people who look up them perhaps we can see how they got to where they are. And upon this examination we will find that in order to amass fans and admirers it helps significantly if you are ridiculously good-looking, exceptionally talented vocally, athletically, or creatively, or if you are very wealthy. Usually a combination of these things helps. If you possess any of these traits and have what it takes to have others worship at your temple then go out and get some. For the rest of us...take a look at your humble self and think about what you might be able to bring to the table that other people can admire.

A great place to start is with helping others. Charity is something most people look up to. People who are doing important things and influencing the world in a positive way often have a lot of admirers. It's the reason that fire fighters, paramedics, and teachers are often cited as role models alongside popular picks like parents, athletes, and movie stars. The primary reason that somebody is going to idolize you is if they view their dreary, miserable life as infinitely better whenever you step into it. That's no easy task. But what that tells us is that people are more likely to idolize people who's lives they view as better than their own. That has nothing to do with low self-esteem. It's just playing the percentages. There are people who you are willing to trade places with unless A. You are exceptionally ego-maniacal and think that you are the bee's knees, B. You are extremely afraid of Jesus' wrath and take your first commandment very seriously, or C. You have already attained The Lush Life and are fully self-satisfied above all others. For the rest of us there is no shame in admitting that we might prefer what somebody else has. The thing that tells you a lot about a person is whom they would like to trade places with. So what can you do to make another person think that your life is something that they might like to attain.

Not everybody can have somebody who idolizes them. As humans we really only have enough time and energy to idolize three people effectively at the very most. And Lady Gaga already has more than her fair share leaving even less for the rest of us. So if you can't have a slammin' awesome life that makes people jealous, you may as well be a person to know because you make other people's lives better. The problem with the idol/superfan relationship is that it is often shallow and features a large disparity in status. The superfan will go to great lengths to please and gain even the slightest of recognition from the person that they idolize. And the person who they are heaping their adoration on will either not give a damn or exploit their willingness to please. The ideal The Son relationship requires substantial adjustment on both the parts of your The Son and yourself. Ideally, The Son will be somebody who respects you for all of the right reasons and attempts to emulate your general lifestyle and personal victories without any Single White Female undertones. The ideal situation also consists of you recognizing that you have influence and esteem amongst your fellow man and trying to use this influence to better their lives and to live your own life in a way that serves as a solid example for those who look up to you.

In case you couldn't tell, I think that a true The Son relationship is significantly rarer than any of the other relationship pillars that make up The Lush Life. To illustrate a good example of one I was trying to find one in mainstream media and it was difficult. I thought that this would help because most people can conceptualize things better if they can relate them to movies or TV shows, like Abed on NBC's Community. See what I did there...I used a TV show to illustrate the value of relating things to TV shows. Sam Malone makes a great The Kelli and Burton Guster makes a great The Clark, but finding a great The Son on television was difficult. The Cape featured a fairly good example, but let's be honest: you don't watch that show. The Jack Donaghy/Liz Lemon dynamic on 30 Rock touches on aspects of The Son, but it doesn't fit and their relationship is so odd that it has almost no real world application whatsoever. Entourage is the flailing, dyslexic bastardization of all things The Son. But your a smart person. You don't need pop culture to demonstrate a working relationship for you to go out and get one.

But it's important that you realize that there is a shortage of The Sons out there, and you should do your part. An idiotic man once divided the world into leaders and followers. The problem with doing this is that it makes black and white what is so clearly a spectrum of gray. There is no reason that people can't be leaders and followers. Many of the relationship pillars of The Lush Life can go both ways. In your life you are looking for The Clark to your Lewis, but that The Clark sees you as their The Clark. Trippy, right? Well, to help with the shortage of functional The Son relationships, go out and lend your admiration to somebody who's goals and lifestyle. Don't pick somebody for whom your adoration will be a drop in the pond, pick somebody who you actually interact with on a regular basis. Being The Son isn't going to hurt your quest for The Lush Life. It will only help to teach you what a potential The Son is looking for, so you can try and live your life in a way that will make others admire you. And remember that the purpose of leadership is not to create followers, it's to create more leaders. Which means that while I love to have blog followers, I really want to create a love of blogging and sharing of ideas in other people. But I'm not ready for The Son yet, anymore than I'm ready for an actual son yet. The Son is a large responsibility and you have to ready your life in preparation to be an example for others. But if you think that you are ready for this pillar then go out and find an apprentice who could benefit from your mentorship.

Podcast: The Hot and Bothered Effect's March Madness Breakdown

Ray is joined by Matt Burrows, Sarah Beattie, Mark Van Dellen, and Matt O'Brien to discuss the 2011 NCAA Men's Basketball tournament bracket. Here is the knowledge bomb that they dropped during that session:

Good Blogkeeping (Session 1)

Hello loyal followers and passerbys. As of yesterday, this blog is now six months old. My previous blog, Friday Nigh Writes, never made it this far. So I figure it's time to update you on some things that I talked about in previous posts and clean up some loose ends. Let's start with some of the changes that have been made to the site:

The logo



He'll be back.



Where did the defiant bird go? Why did I replace it with sexy paintball lady? I made this change on January 1st. And come January 1st, 2012...I plan for this blog to have a new logo. The logo and look of the site is something that will change every year. It helps to keep it fresh. The new logo better captures the feel and tone of the blog.

Quarterly Segments

You'll notice that you didn't get a Better Know a Ray's Friend in the second quarter as you had originally been promised. This segment has been downgraded from a quarterly segment to a recurring segment. It's tough to try and depend on other people's schedules. My own gets in the way enough. This segment has been replaced by Mr. Fix-It.

Recurring Segments

Joining A History Of..., Ray's E-Mail Bag, and Point-Counterpoint as recurring segments are Semantics Session and whatever I decide to call the segment that currently is The Perfect Woman. I will be doing a Semantics Session on the word "gay" in the near future, and following The Perfect Woman you will be getting a multi-part series on The Perfect Job.

Now let's look at how I'm doing in regards to some earlier posts:

Ray's Bucket List

I've completed three of the 108 items on my Bucket List. Once I complete one more I will have to add three back on. The first item to be completed was Item #61: Learn how to Podcast and Videocast and put them on this blog. Technically, I haven't videocasted on this blog yet, but that will come shortly. This item was completed a mere ten days after the bucket list was posted. The podcast was actually recorded five days before the Bucket List was posted, but the Bucket List was actually made two months before it was posted...so it all evens out. I'm ready to keep the podcasts coming at least once a month and I thoroughly enjoy doing them. The second item that I completed was Item #46: Leave a great waitress or waitor a 100% tip. I left a 100+% tip for The Lindsay the night before she shipped out for Minneapolis. Nobody deserved it more. Thirdly, I crossed off Item #62: Donate blood again. Let me tell you about this one because for me donating blood is an adventure.

I am one of the worst blood donators in the entire world. I try and donate every six months, but it had been over a year since I donated...which was why I put it on the Bucket List. I needed some motivation. Despite being a 6'0", 235 pound man, giving blood turns me into a little wee baby. Every time I donate blood I either pass out, vomit, or both. This time it was a little bit of both, but neither as bad as in the past. I'll never be any good at giving blood. It always makes me sick to my stomach. I try to make light of it but the blood techs can see me visually shaking. They don't care about me and my comfort level. They just want some of my sweet, sweet A- to help with their shortage. They also don't respond to humor/honesty very well. When asked if I had engaged in sexual activity with a stranger in the last three months, I responded, "I Wish." Clearly this was not something that they were expecting from somebody who had just come from Catholic mass. I also had the most androgenous blood tech in the history of blood techs. Despite the fact that the name would denote a male...I don't know which gender Erik was.

Let's also look at which items are next on the queue. I have my sites set on accomplishing Item #21: Have business cards. I've got a respectable job now, but not one that in any way necessitates business cards. But who the hell wants business cards anyway? While my Bucket List states that I shall have business cards. I have every intention of actually supplying myself with some "pleasure cards". Perhaps some pleasure cards for this blog are what I will purchase. They might even look a little something like this:

I also have been practicing towards the completion of Item #31: Make the perfect omelette. Please know that I consider this a very serious task. I'm not just going to cook the egg well, give it a stellar fold, and call it a perfect omelette. I must also design the perfect flavor. I've given it some test runs and I think that Denver and Santa Fe omelettes have the ingredients inversed. If my quest for the perfect calzone has taught me anything it's that a 2:1 meat-to-vegetable-ratio is necessary...not the other way around. I have not yet discovered all of the ingredients for the perfect omelette, but methinks that prosciutto and colby jack are here to stay in my recipe.

40 Movies to See in 2011

My goal on this post is to score a 75% success rate. Nine of the movies that I recommended are out or will be out by this weekend. Here is a visual representation:

For those of you that don't understand the above chart. The first column is a still from each film. The second column is the audience score from Rotten Tomatoes (screw the critics). The third column is the film's Opening Weekend Box Office numbers. And the fourth column is my appraisal of how I did. It's either a Thumbs Up, a Thumbs Down, or The Jury Is Out. I know that some of you might have an issue with some of my self-appraisals. Allow me to explain. I've only seen one of these nine films (Unknown), and I will discuss that in a second. All of the others are graded depending upon whether they were predominently hailed or reviled by other people and also on how much Cha-Ching they raked in. Only films that have earned over $150 million will be deemed successes in the absence of good reviews. All other films will have to be graded by me personally before they recieve their rating. Please note that two of the films (Unknown and Take Me Home Tonight) have changed their names since I wrote that blog post. Also note, that Don't Be Afraid of the Dark has pushed back it's release date from January since I wrote the blog post. I am also aware that many of you think that The Roommate was critically reviled (seeing as the critic's rating was 6%) and that I should have given it an immediate Thumbs Down. Well, since I really only recommended it under the assumption that a film starring Minka Kelly, Leighton Meester, and Daneel Harris could force me to hold an erection for two hours, the jury will remain out...because I still believe that it can deliver on that promise.

Now let me talk about the one film that I have seen: Unknown. Please note two things. The first is that this will serve as your MAJOR SPOILER ALERT FOR ANYBODY WHO HAS NOT SEEN UNKNOWN. Secondly, get ready we're jumping to bullet points for this breakdown.

• The largest strike on this movie from many critic's perspectives was that it had a few too many ridiculous twists and unbelievable moments. There was only one that bothered me. And it happens in several movies. I call it Deus Ex Televisio. It's when a character is watching a news report at the exact moment necessary to glean a critical piece of information that will feature heavily in the plot down the road. This doesn't happen in real life. The news never tells me what I need to know when I need to know it. They won't tell me if my cell phone is killing me now...they'll tease me with it to try and get me to tune in at 11.
• Several films (of which this is one), most notably Smokin' Aces, have explored the concept of having multiple hitmen under contract for one hit. Hitmen with understudies? How very musical theatre of them. This is always a dumb idea. It takes a certain type of person to become a hitman. And I know that we like to think that while ruthless, they are all consumate professionals. However, given the opportunity to eliminate the competition and up their market share...they will take it. So, just hire one hitman, because for this reason two heads are never better than one. They're only more expensive than one.
• There were some good twists in this film. They left just enough breadcrumbs for you to see a twist coming, but not to really know where they were going with it. The only twist that you could see coming more than a mile away was that Frank Langhella was going to be a bad guy. When you have an actor who is famous for playing both Skeletor and Richard Nixon in your film, he's not going to be an asset to the protagonist.
• This film left me with an interesting quandry. Who would I rather bed: January Jones or Diane Kruger? Eighteen months ago this isn't even a question. January Jones has been and is still smoking hot. But she gives off such an Ice Princess vibe with the characters she plays that I fear that my dick might get frostbite. That...and she hosted the worst episode of SNL since Stephen Segal. I want to see her play a manic character with a little more life. I know she can do it. I enjoyed her in The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada and early Betty Draper wasn't bad. But I think that she has been tainted by the dreary existential ennui of the past few Mad Men seasons and it's culminated in her being cast as ultimate Ice Queen Emma Frost in the new X-Men movie. To salvage a career she has to break the shackles of typecasting. I recommend that she look for parts that include the words: "fun slut". 
• One more thing I had an issue with. There are almost no circumstances under which I would go back to difuse a bomb that has less than an hour on the timer. There are absolutely no circumstances when that bomb will have no casualties. I cannot comprehend them having a character do this. And if Liam Neeson had taught his partner the reach the far away scissors trick he uses then she probably would have been okay.

There is one other mea culpa that I must address from my movie post. One of the final films that I cut when trimming my list to 40 was a film called 30 Minutes or Less starring Jesse Eisenberg. Well, I saw this film recently and it is fantastic. It will absolutely be a breakout comedy hit this year. I can't tell you any more because I signed a confidentiality agreement that punishes the blogging of specifics about the film as though it were high treason...so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Podcast: The Dead Pool

So...nobody that was drafted in the Dead Pool has died yet. But there are several who are close. So let's take a look at the teams and evaluate their chances now that we're nearing 20% of the way in.

John Chadwell's Team:

Best Pick: Angus T. Jones (Round 7) - This is a steal at this point. With Charlie Sheen jumping right off the damn reservation and Chadwell snagging Charlie Sheen related death as a cause of death...this pick looks far better now than it did two monthes ago. Factor in that Two and a Half Men had to do an empty house show over concerns that Jon Cryer's wife had hired a hitman (P.S. What is your fucking deal, Two and a Half Men?) and this could be an insurmountable 18 points.

Worst Pick: Robert Pattinson (Round 5) - An absolute waste of a pick. He won't die and he certainly wouldn't off himself.

Overall Appraisal: Not a great team overall. Getting Courtney Love the pick before I was going to take her was big and the jump in value of the Angus T. Jones pick is big. However, he's going to need a long shot to hit if he wants to win since he doesn't have many likely scenarios in play.

Luke Giberson's Team:

Best Pick: Charlie Sheen (Round 14) - This is what we call hitting the motherload. The man is on Death Watch as we speak. No pick has raised it's stock since the draft like this one. He's nailing the coffin for his career shut, he just got left by the insatiably hot Bree Olson, and once he realizes that he's not "Winning!"...it might all be over.

Worst Pick: Macauley Culkin (Round 1) - A bit of a throwaway, even if he did just get dumped by Mila Kunis. This is not an acceptable first round pick.

Overall Appraisal: A dicey team that could ride a Charlie Sheen death to victory. Several other high risk players such as Andy Rooney, Betty White, and Louie Anderson will keep him in contention.

Ollie Birkhead's Team:

Best Pick: Johnny Winter (Round 5) - Here is a diamond in the rough that I don't think many people had considered. He looks dead already. Kelsey Grammer was also a decent value pick.

Worst Pick: Dakota Fanning (Round 15) - An intentional throwaway pick because he got bored.

Overall Appraisal: His team is riddled with ridiculous long shots but if he can hit on Andy Griffith, Jimmy Carter, or Tina Turner then he's got a shot.

Ray O'Brien's Team:

Best Pick: Ronnie Biggs (Round 6) - It's been only two months since the draft and we already have our first major stroke. He's hanging on...but for how long? Zsa Zsa Gabor is refusing further treatment and has been given a 50/50 shot at surviving the year by doctor's but she was a Round 2 pick so Ronnie is the biggest

steal.

Worst Pick: Andy San Dimas (Round 13) - It isn't that this is a terrible pick. It's that he cited Bree Olson as a porn star who looks too "put together" to die and then she moved in with Charlie Sheen as one of his goddesses. So he looked like an idiot in this segment when viewed in hindsight.

Overall Appraisal: With seven picks that are literally knocking on Heaven's gates, it's clear that small ball will probably pay off for Ray and unless another player hits a longshot...our fearless host has to be considered the presumptive favorite.

Pat Brennan's Team:

Best Pick: Shane McGowan (Round 15) - He leaned heavily on substance abuse for most of his picks and perhaps the biggest junkie was taken in the final round.

Worst Pick: Miley Cyrus (Round 2) - This was all set to be Rihanna as the #1 Overall pick, but her recently discovered affinity for S&M bumps her chances since clearly "chains and whips excite her". Miley won't be going anywhere. Pat threw away his early picks on big names before settling into a groove in later rounds.

Overall Appraisal: His team leans too heavily on substance abuse and lifestyle and not enough on more conventional illnesses. The overall team is a little weak but there are a few wild cards that could pay off.

Hold That Thought: Launching the Tweet Fleet

So, perhaps you are wondering how building my internet branding is going. I currently have 18 followers on the Twitter and it represents a decent percentage of hits for my page. So...worth it. Networked blogs has been even better. Branding myself has consistently delivered 1500 hits a month for each of the last three months. But I'm not just settling for online viral marketing. I'm taking this advertising campaign to a blog's archenemy: books. I'm leaving the address to my blog as bookmarks in library books that are on hold, so that I can be guarenteed that people will read it and perhaps be intrigued enough to check it out. I also  plan on updating my SEO with keywords like "how to make a homemade bomb" and "assassinate the president" so that Homeland Security will have to be amongst my readership. They'll come for the potential terrorist threat, but stay for the wily antics...and hopefully tell their friends. But the real thing that's going to up my readership is your involvement. So if you'd like to be on a podcast, write a guest blog post, have a friend who would make for an excellent interview, or even just leave a comment...your contributions would be much appreciated.

Introduction to Man Month

Hello Loyal Followers of the Hot and Bothered Effect (and those of you that stumbled upon this page). I'm doing the sporadic first of the month post to let you know that March is Man Month. I love women and I would argue that I respect women...though some who have read a previous post or two might beg to differ. However, this month is not going to deal with things of womanly importance. This month is going to talk about being a man and what that means. And since we are a having a whole month dedicated to mandom...there will be no Ray's Contrarian Opinions this month. It has been replaced by my Man Round Table to discuss all things bro-tastic. So I hope that you enjoy Man Month, though I value your readership ladies and you don't need a Y-chromosome to enjoy this month's posts.