Good Blogkeeping (Session 1)

Hello loyal followers and passerbys. As of yesterday, this blog is now six months old. My previous blog, Friday Nigh Writes, never made it this far. So I figure it's time to update you on some things that I talked about in previous posts and clean up some loose ends. Let's start with some of the changes that have been made to the site:

The logo



He'll be back.



Where did the defiant bird go? Why did I replace it with sexy paintball lady? I made this change on January 1st. And come January 1st, 2012...I plan for this blog to have a new logo. The logo and look of the site is something that will change every year. It helps to keep it fresh. The new logo better captures the feel and tone of the blog.

Quarterly Segments

You'll notice that you didn't get a Better Know a Ray's Friend in the second quarter as you had originally been promised. This segment has been downgraded from a quarterly segment to a recurring segment. It's tough to try and depend on other people's schedules. My own gets in the way enough. This segment has been replaced by Mr. Fix-It.

Recurring Segments

Joining A History Of..., Ray's E-Mail Bag, and Point-Counterpoint as recurring segments are Semantics Session and whatever I decide to call the segment that currently is The Perfect Woman. I will be doing a Semantics Session on the word "gay" in the near future, and following The Perfect Woman you will be getting a multi-part series on The Perfect Job.

Now let's look at how I'm doing in regards to some earlier posts:

Ray's Bucket List

I've completed three of the 108 items on my Bucket List. Once I complete one more I will have to add three back on. The first item to be completed was Item #61: Learn how to Podcast and Videocast and put them on this blog. Technically, I haven't videocasted on this blog yet, but that will come shortly. This item was completed a mere ten days after the bucket list was posted. The podcast was actually recorded five days before the Bucket List was posted, but the Bucket List was actually made two months before it was posted...so it all evens out. I'm ready to keep the podcasts coming at least once a month and I thoroughly enjoy doing them. The second item that I completed was Item #46: Leave a great waitress or waitor a 100% tip. I left a 100+% tip for The Lindsay the night before she shipped out for Minneapolis. Nobody deserved it more. Thirdly, I crossed off Item #62: Donate blood again. Let me tell you about this one because for me donating blood is an adventure.

I am one of the worst blood donators in the entire world. I try and donate every six months, but it had been over a year since I donated...which was why I put it on the Bucket List. I needed some motivation. Despite being a 6'0", 235 pound man, giving blood turns me into a little wee baby. Every time I donate blood I either pass out, vomit, or both. This time it was a little bit of both, but neither as bad as in the past. I'll never be any good at giving blood. It always makes me sick to my stomach. I try to make light of it but the blood techs can see me visually shaking. They don't care about me and my comfort level. They just want some of my sweet, sweet A- to help with their shortage. They also don't respond to humor/honesty very well. When asked if I had engaged in sexual activity with a stranger in the last three months, I responded, "I Wish." Clearly this was not something that they were expecting from somebody who had just come from Catholic mass. I also had the most androgenous blood tech in the history of blood techs. Despite the fact that the name would denote a male...I don't know which gender Erik was.

Let's also look at which items are next on the queue. I have my sites set on accomplishing Item #21: Have business cards. I've got a respectable job now, but not one that in any way necessitates business cards. But who the hell wants business cards anyway? While my Bucket List states that I shall have business cards. I have every intention of actually supplying myself with some "pleasure cards". Perhaps some pleasure cards for this blog are what I will purchase. They might even look a little something like this:

I also have been practicing towards the completion of Item #31: Make the perfect omelette. Please know that I consider this a very serious task. I'm not just going to cook the egg well, give it a stellar fold, and call it a perfect omelette. I must also design the perfect flavor. I've given it some test runs and I think that Denver and Santa Fe omelettes have the ingredients inversed. If my quest for the perfect calzone has taught me anything it's that a 2:1 meat-to-vegetable-ratio is necessary...not the other way around. I have not yet discovered all of the ingredients for the perfect omelette, but methinks that prosciutto and colby jack are here to stay in my recipe.

40 Movies to See in 2011

My goal on this post is to score a 75% success rate. Nine of the movies that I recommended are out or will be out by this weekend. Here is a visual representation:

For those of you that don't understand the above chart. The first column is a still from each film. The second column is the audience score from Rotten Tomatoes (screw the critics). The third column is the film's Opening Weekend Box Office numbers. And the fourth column is my appraisal of how I did. It's either a Thumbs Up, a Thumbs Down, or The Jury Is Out. I know that some of you might have an issue with some of my self-appraisals. Allow me to explain. I've only seen one of these nine films (Unknown), and I will discuss that in a second. All of the others are graded depending upon whether they were predominently hailed or reviled by other people and also on how much Cha-Ching they raked in. Only films that have earned over $150 million will be deemed successes in the absence of good reviews. All other films will have to be graded by me personally before they recieve their rating. Please note that two of the films (Unknown and Take Me Home Tonight) have changed their names since I wrote that blog post. Also note, that Don't Be Afraid of the Dark has pushed back it's release date from January since I wrote the blog post. I am also aware that many of you think that The Roommate was critically reviled (seeing as the critic's rating was 6%) and that I should have given it an immediate Thumbs Down. Well, since I really only recommended it under the assumption that a film starring Minka Kelly, Leighton Meester, and Daneel Harris could force me to hold an erection for two hours, the jury will remain out...because I still believe that it can deliver on that promise.

Now let me talk about the one film that I have seen: Unknown. Please note two things. The first is that this will serve as your MAJOR SPOILER ALERT FOR ANYBODY WHO HAS NOT SEEN UNKNOWN. Secondly, get ready we're jumping to bullet points for this breakdown.

• The largest strike on this movie from many critic's perspectives was that it had a few too many ridiculous twists and unbelievable moments. There was only one that bothered me. And it happens in several movies. I call it Deus Ex Televisio. It's when a character is watching a news report at the exact moment necessary to glean a critical piece of information that will feature heavily in the plot down the road. This doesn't happen in real life. The news never tells me what I need to know when I need to know it. They won't tell me if my cell phone is killing me now...they'll tease me with it to try and get me to tune in at 11.
• Several films (of which this is one), most notably Smokin' Aces, have explored the concept of having multiple hitmen under contract for one hit. Hitmen with understudies? How very musical theatre of them. This is always a dumb idea. It takes a certain type of person to become a hitman. And I know that we like to think that while ruthless, they are all consumate professionals. However, given the opportunity to eliminate the competition and up their market share...they will take it. So, just hire one hitman, because for this reason two heads are never better than one. They're only more expensive than one.
• There were some good twists in this film. They left just enough breadcrumbs for you to see a twist coming, but not to really know where they were going with it. The only twist that you could see coming more than a mile away was that Frank Langhella was going to be a bad guy. When you have an actor who is famous for playing both Skeletor and Richard Nixon in your film, he's not going to be an asset to the protagonist.
• This film left me with an interesting quandry. Who would I rather bed: January Jones or Diane Kruger? Eighteen months ago this isn't even a question. January Jones has been and is still smoking hot. But she gives off such an Ice Princess vibe with the characters she plays that I fear that my dick might get frostbite. That...and she hosted the worst episode of SNL since Stephen Segal. I want to see her play a manic character with a little more life. I know she can do it. I enjoyed her in The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada and early Betty Draper wasn't bad. But I think that she has been tainted by the dreary existential ennui of the past few Mad Men seasons and it's culminated in her being cast as ultimate Ice Queen Emma Frost in the new X-Men movie. To salvage a career she has to break the shackles of typecasting. I recommend that she look for parts that include the words: "fun slut". 
• One more thing I had an issue with. There are almost no circumstances under which I would go back to difuse a bomb that has less than an hour on the timer. There are absolutely no circumstances when that bomb will have no casualties. I cannot comprehend them having a character do this. And if Liam Neeson had taught his partner the reach the far away scissors trick he uses then she probably would have been okay.

There is one other mea culpa that I must address from my movie post. One of the final films that I cut when trimming my list to 40 was a film called 30 Minutes or Less starring Jesse Eisenberg. Well, I saw this film recently and it is fantastic. It will absolutely be a breakout comedy hit this year. I can't tell you any more because I signed a confidentiality agreement that punishes the blogging of specifics about the film as though it were high treason...so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Podcast: The Dead Pool

So...nobody that was drafted in the Dead Pool has died yet. But there are several who are close. So let's take a look at the teams and evaluate their chances now that we're nearing 20% of the way in.

John Chadwell's Team:

Best Pick: Angus T. Jones (Round 7) - This is a steal at this point. With Charlie Sheen jumping right off the damn reservation and Chadwell snagging Charlie Sheen related death as a cause of death...this pick looks far better now than it did two monthes ago. Factor in that Two and a Half Men had to do an empty house show over concerns that Jon Cryer's wife had hired a hitman (P.S. What is your fucking deal, Two and a Half Men?) and this could be an insurmountable 18 points.

Worst Pick: Robert Pattinson (Round 5) - An absolute waste of a pick. He won't die and he certainly wouldn't off himself.

Overall Appraisal: Not a great team overall. Getting Courtney Love the pick before I was going to take her was big and the jump in value of the Angus T. Jones pick is big. However, he's going to need a long shot to hit if he wants to win since he doesn't have many likely scenarios in play.

Luke Giberson's Team:

Best Pick: Charlie Sheen (Round 14) - This is what we call hitting the motherload. The man is on Death Watch as we speak. No pick has raised it's stock since the draft like this one. He's nailing the coffin for his career shut, he just got left by the insatiably hot Bree Olson, and once he realizes that he's not "Winning!"...it might all be over.

Worst Pick: Macauley Culkin (Round 1) - A bit of a throwaway, even if he did just get dumped by Mila Kunis. This is not an acceptable first round pick.

Overall Appraisal: A dicey team that could ride a Charlie Sheen death to victory. Several other high risk players such as Andy Rooney, Betty White, and Louie Anderson will keep him in contention.

Ollie Birkhead's Team:

Best Pick: Johnny Winter (Round 5) - Here is a diamond in the rough that I don't think many people had considered. He looks dead already. Kelsey Grammer was also a decent value pick.

Worst Pick: Dakota Fanning (Round 15) - An intentional throwaway pick because he got bored.

Overall Appraisal: His team is riddled with ridiculous long shots but if he can hit on Andy Griffith, Jimmy Carter, or Tina Turner then he's got a shot.

Ray O'Brien's Team:

Best Pick: Ronnie Biggs (Round 6) - It's been only two months since the draft and we already have our first major stroke. He's hanging on...but for how long? Zsa Zsa Gabor is refusing further treatment and has been given a 50/50 shot at surviving the year by doctor's but she was a Round 2 pick so Ronnie is the biggest

steal.

Worst Pick: Andy San Dimas (Round 13) - It isn't that this is a terrible pick. It's that he cited Bree Olson as a porn star who looks too "put together" to die and then she moved in with Charlie Sheen as one of his goddesses. So he looked like an idiot in this segment when viewed in hindsight.

Overall Appraisal: With seven picks that are literally knocking on Heaven's gates, it's clear that small ball will probably pay off for Ray and unless another player hits a longshot...our fearless host has to be considered the presumptive favorite.

Pat Brennan's Team:

Best Pick: Shane McGowan (Round 15) - He leaned heavily on substance abuse for most of his picks and perhaps the biggest junkie was taken in the final round.

Worst Pick: Miley Cyrus (Round 2) - This was all set to be Rihanna as the #1 Overall pick, but her recently discovered affinity for S&M bumps her chances since clearly "chains and whips excite her". Miley won't be going anywhere. Pat threw away his early picks on big names before settling into a groove in later rounds.

Overall Appraisal: His team leans too heavily on substance abuse and lifestyle and not enough on more conventional illnesses. The overall team is a little weak but there are a few wild cards that could pay off.

Hold That Thought: Launching the Tweet Fleet

So, perhaps you are wondering how building my internet branding is going. I currently have 18 followers on the Twitter and it represents a decent percentage of hits for my page. So...worth it. Networked blogs has been even better. Branding myself has consistently delivered 1500 hits a month for each of the last three months. But I'm not just settling for online viral marketing. I'm taking this advertising campaign to a blog's archenemy: books. I'm leaving the address to my blog as bookmarks in library books that are on hold, so that I can be guarenteed that people will read it and perhaps be intrigued enough to check it out. I also  plan on updating my SEO with keywords like "how to make a homemade bomb" and "assassinate the president" so that Homeland Security will have to be amongst my readership. They'll come for the potential terrorist threat, but stay for the wily antics...and hopefully tell their friends. But the real thing that's going to up my readership is your involvement. So if you'd like to be on a podcast, write a guest blog post, have a friend who would make for an excellent interview, or even just leave a comment...your contributions would be much appreciated.