The Ray 100 - The Quarter-Century Mark (Part II)

This is the Ray 100. For an explanation and #100-51, please see my last post.

50. Emily Kenney - This is a friend from Xavier University. She was also the leading candidate in last year's frenemy post. Despite the antagonistic relationship that that implies, I still love her. She just has a smarmy way of eviscerating my every word, idea, or action. However, she is still greatly missed by the United States whom she abandoned in favor of joining Global Brigades down in Honduras. And I appreciate the fact that she reads this blog semi-regularly because I don't think the fact that I have over 50 hits from Honduras and the fact that it is my fourth most popular country for visits is a coincidence. She was a staple of my life for my final three years in college and my first two years after graduating. We had dinner parties together, saw midnight movies together, and participated in The Mole together. She was The Mole and I can't imagine we could have had a better one because few people are more sneakily deceptive and cunning than Emily. And I mean that as a back-handed compliment. She consistently used these skills year after year to trick me into bidding on things at her company's charity auction which weren't what I thought they were. I miss her enthusiasm for debauchery and her playful sense of schaudenfreude that she harbored for almost all of her friends. But most of all I think that I miss her tremendous calves. Let's hope that Honduras is keeping those in good form.

49. Kathy Kristof and 48. Moira Hummel - These are the aunt and mother of one of my best friends, respectively. They are also two of my mother's very best friends. Our families have become too deeply entangled over the past decade to the point where you can't untangle them at this juncture. I have spent countless Halloweens at her annual Halloween party and I see them across the table at every Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Fourth of July dinner. They've driven me home from school on countless occasions and every time my school, church, or boy scout troop asked me to go around hawking worthless wares for fund raising, they buy an Agrippa-load. They've helped me out with school projects and just generally provided support to my entire family whenever it was needed. Kathy is also the most successful blogger that I know personally. She writes financial advice for the Los Angeles Times and has a blog that is of actual repute.

47. Amber Sheehan - This is a friend from Xavier University and the bride at the first wedding that I ever attended. She is one half of my first set of married friends. It's good for me to have this friend dynamic because I feel that it is serving as my template for the norms of married life as approached by members of my generation. She and her husband, Trevor, are exceptionally gifted in the ways of time management. It seems that they bend the space-time continuum in their ability to carve out alone time, each other time, family time, and friend time. It's magical. They also were my first wedding which was very formative in it's own right. My family is set up in such a way that I never got to attend a wedding until I was 24. I am the oldest cousin by more than half a decade and almost all of my aunts and uncles were married by the time that I was of wedding-going age. You learn a lot at these things and you start to think about your own life and future. I'm sure that I will elaborate on that at some point in the future...say in a blog post coming in a few months.

46. Trevor Lowe - This is a friend from Wright State University and Amber's husband. That means that his wedding was also the first that I ever attended. He was able to beat his wife out by one spot because he plays poker with me on Wednesday nights and drops $20 into my pocket every other week with his obvious tells. I would also never combine them into one blurb because he hates having his marriage thought of as a singular omni-blob of humanity. The next time one of my friends calls him Tramber, they're liable to get a big old meat slap up the side of their head. While Amber is a fully-formed human being and much sweeter than your average shrewish sitcom wife...Trevor is very much a sitcom husband. He's got the bumbling pater familias schtick down perfectly. I would love to watch his life on a daily basis: celebreality-style. He knows how to settle his business and keep a happy wife but he also knows how to let loose with the boys for a good time. If I find myself about to tie the knot, he is who I am going to for a little pre-marriage counseling.

45. Sarah Gillian - This is a friend from Xavier University. She is the female friend that I see most regularly at the present stage of my life. She, like Emily Kenney before her, has taken on the role of my friend who questions every move that I make in the chess game that is life. I have seen her skeptical glare more times than I care to count. However, I need this in my life. Contrary to what people believe, I don't need everybody in my life to tell me that I'm always wrong...but I do need one person in my life to tell me that I'm always wrong. It keeps me grounded and let's me know that if they ever consent to an idea with their hesitant nod of approval that I have come up with a true gem of an idea. Still Sarah is more than just a dissenting voice of reason in my life. I thoroughly enjoy her presence at the smattering of dinner parties, pub trivias, and poker games that I attend on a weekly basis. She possesses a definite kindness to go with her snark and smarm.

44. Mark Cotter - This is a friend from St. Bede Elementary School and Loyola High School. We attended St. Bede from the time we were in kindergarten until our graduation in 8th Grade. We spent a good deal of time together because we both attended St. Bede's advanced math and reading classes because we were at the top of our class. We also both featured heavily on St. Bede's sports teams, him because he had a good deal of athletic prowess and myself because I have been over 6 feet tall since I was in the 6th Grade. However, we became significantly better friends when we began commuting to Loyola High School together. Loyola is approximately 45 minutes from my house and since he lived only three to four blocks from me we carpooled together for all four years. We had many an insightful conversation over this time and for this ranks as the highest football player on this list. Going to school so far away from where I lived has greatly contributed to the abundance of La Canada High School friends on this list and the lack of high-ranking friends from my own school, Loyola. It was really nice to have a Loyola friend like Mark who lived so close to keep me involved with people from school.

43. Ralph Valente - This was my principle at St. Bede Elementary School. He was also my confirmation sponsor. He was the first "great" teacher that I ever had. He taught a subject that I could get behind (history) and taught it in a way that made it interesting. I also liked the competitive nature of his class. I don't thrive in a classroom environment where everybody can succeed. I'm very competitive but only when I know that I'm competing. I really don't care if other students do better on a test than me. Unless I know that education is a zero-sum game. If you told me that only 5 students were getting "A"s on a test, regardless of how high the sixth score was...I am getting one of those "A"s. At that point the gauntlet has been thrown down and the challenge will be accepted. That's not how he ran his class...I was referring more to the fact that he turned his class into a game of Jeopardy (boys vs. girls) and used that sort of competition to motivate us. Still, it was the first class (other than PE) that I actually wanted to go to on a regular basis. He also used comedy in his teaching, thinking that if he could make us laugh, he could make us pay attention. It worked. And I think that that philosophy rubbed off on me as well.

42. Chris Caldwell - This is a friend of mine from Xavier University. He can also be considered a de facto roommate considering how many times I crashed on the couch at his house. He was the leader of the house where I spent a very substantial amount of time during my senior year. And if other members of this house don't agree that he was the "leader" then they should have had more details regarding parties that occurred there or the whereabouts of things that I left there. Chris had these answers and that's indicative that you run a house. He's also a very generous guy and consistently made me feel welcome at the house despite the fact that I wasn't paying rent. However, perhaps my favorite thing about Chris is that he is one of the better conversationalists that I've met in life. The criticism that Chris receives most often from his friends is that he talks a lot and that he talks at a very high volume. I have a problem with neither of these things. I always enjoy being in the presence of people who can facilitate conversation and who get excited about conversation. I also have always enjoyed the variety of subjects about which we converse whenever I see him. Conversational jack-of-all-trades are too rare in American society today. I blame the iPhone.

41. Steve Abbott - This is a friend of mine from Loyola who was on the ComedySportz team with me. I think that I can say without hesitation that he is the funniest improviser that I have ever worked with. He's not the highest ranking improviser on this list, but he is the one who can make me laugh the hardest. There are others who are as good as him when it comes to stage presence and sense of humor in scenes. However, the difference is that I see how hard other people are working to get laughs. Steve is just a natural. And you can see that difference most readily when everybody steps off of the stage. Steve is offstage what he is onstage, a non-stop laugh riot. He is also what I aspire to be as a comedian. I work hard for laughs. When I go up to do a set, you can rest assured that I have rigorously written and re-written jokes and tested my material thoroughly before it is presented to a live audience. This is always preferable. However, it also makes comedy sound rehearsed. I want the off-the-cuff wit and humor that Steve Abbott can bring to the table. I just want to be funny because that's what I am. I also want to be able to use those skills to be the life of the party in my everyday life.

40. Mary Bridget Mathews - This is a friend of mine from the Xavier University. She's sweet, she's quirky, she's funny, and she is the most impressive human chameleon that I know. We attended Xavier University together and during this time she associated with two very different groups of people. One group of people were very service-oriented and religiously inclined. The other group, while still good salt of the Earth people, loved to party. I have always felt that I need both of these types of people in my life, but whenever I interact with either side I always find that I am too much of a wild child for the squares and the activists and too straight-laced for the party people and the hooligans. However, Mary Bridget was always excellent at compartmentalizing the different aspects of herself and bringing out the ones that were appropriate for present company. I in no way, shape, or form am trying to imply that she would in any way be fake. She was and always will be Mary Bridget. She is just very good at presenting different sides of herself. She has an impressive balance in her life that I dream of being able to tap into within my own self. I have always wanted to learn how to separate the duality that exists within myself and better learn how to adapt my behaviors and desires to fit the situations that I find myself in. She is an inspiration and also a really cool friend.

39. Andy Busch - This is a friend of mine from Xavier University. He was heavily involved in Xavier Players and Xavier Singers, but I also enjoyed hanging out with off-campus as well. He is one of the best performers that I have ever met, despite being one of the shyest people I know when the he steps of stage and the spotlight is turned off. This has always puzzled me in that until I never met him, I was never sure that this was possible. I had always thought that performers performed because they loved the lime light and they developed a talent to seek that out. I never thought that there were people that were so innately gifted that they figured that they might as well share there talent, despite the fact that they could give a shit about the fanfare. He also might be the most paranoid person that I know. He is as straight-laced as they come, but as far as I can tell it does not stem from any moral code but rather an irrational fear of consequences that are highly unlikely. That being said, he is one hell of a nice guy and a great friend. His humility and general easy-going demeanor are more perplexing when you consider that given his stellar singing voice and dashing good looks put him in what I call the Point and Pick category. He just has to point to a girl and say "I want that one". 

38. Molly Rowan - This is another friend of mine from Xavier University. She is probably the first really good female friend that I made upon arriving at Xavier University. We met while we were both running for Brockman Hall's Community Council. I met her in the hall as we were both putting up signs telling our fellow dorm mates to elect us to the position of Vice President. That was awkward for a second. We were both running for the position because we figured that it had all of the executive input of the presidency without all of that stuffy accountability. However, after talking to her for a mere five minutes I decided that this was one cool chick that I needed to get to know a little better...so I went into my dorm room and edited my sign to say that I was running for Program Coordinator. It's one of the better decisions that I have ever made. Molly has been a great friend to me over the years. She even made me my first legal alcoholic drink when I turned 21. She's fun to talk to and I really like that she gives blunt advice with my well-being in mind and not my feelings. That's a quality that's difficult to find in friends because they often question whether your fragile psyche will want them around if they give you the hard truth. However, if you can't say what you really want to somebody...they aren't much of a friend.

37. Joe Platt - This is a friend and former roommate of mine while at Xavier University. Joe Platt was a legend in the hood. His tremendous feats and accomplishments are so whacked-out and preposterous that if I hadn't been there for most of them I would consider them to be the Big Fish stories of some old lunatic. He took on the Gallon Challenge with Whole Milk. He passed out under an RA's bed and had to sneak out in the morning without waking them. He took our couch cushions onto the roof of our dorm building and started a bonfire with them. If Xavier knew what was good for it, he would have been expelled about 20 times. However, they didn't and I reaped the benefits. Everybody needs a friend who brings that sense of adventure to their life and who makes for good stories. I don't know that he and I ever had that many meaningful conversations, but he certainly had my back whenever I needed it and his adventurous spirit led me into the great unknown. As he waded with me out into the deep end of college debauchery, it was all I could do to try and keep my head above water and keep from getting expelled.

36. Chris Oliver - This is a friend of mine from St. George's Pre-School and St. Bede Elementary School. He is my longest-running active male friend. We have known each other for about 22 years. And in that 22 years we have crammed in every stupid activity that kids should do. I had my first sleepover at his house. I attended my first hockey game with him. And after this hockey game we amassed over 120 free promotional cans of Surge and drank them over the course of the next ten days. I think we both have heart conditions today because of this. We did a lot of stupid things together. I distinctly remember we used to jump off his roof into his pool. In retrospect, that probably did not stem from sound decision making. But that's what I loved most about hanging out with Chris...he made me feel that a lot of my idiotic ideas were good decisions. I get called out for having stupid ideas far too often. My life would be significantly more exciting and dare I say better if more people would give in to my ludicrous ideas and let the adventures flow a little more often. 

35. Reid Faylor - This is a friend of mine from Xavier University. He is what I aspire to be in the world of comedy. I never want my occupation to be stand-up comic, but I would like it to be a part of my life beyond just being an occasional hobby. This is what Reid is doing. He and I participated together in Xavier's improv troupe Don't Tell Anna, as well as doing stand-up together in the National College Comedy Competition. I had always considered comedy to be a hobby, but Reid took it significantly further than this. He won the Funniest Person in Cincinnati competition and was invited to compete at the Rooftop Comedy Festival in Aspen, Colorado. The attention and effort that he devotes to his craft is enviable. And the best thing about Reid is that he approaches comedy as a relaxing and thrilling medium the same way that I do. He achieves accolades through comedy, but you still get the feeling that he doesn't care all that much about them. He cares about making people laugh. For too many people in comedy, it's about the glitz and the glamor and looking good and getting paid. I much prefer the Rodney Dangerfield approach to comedy: make yourself look like a complete buffoon for a chuckle.

34. Tim Bauer - This was my freshman and junior year English teacher at Loyola High School. He is the teacher whose teaching style most suited my strengths as a student and who most I had the majority of my college recommendations. His classes were focused heavily on literature. He left the more boring grammatical teaching to the aforementioned Terry Caldwell. And rather than lecture us about some less than fascinating symbolism in the works of Nathaniel Hawthorne, he actually picked very interesting reads and let open discussion dominate the classroom. I believe that this is the way that education should be done. If this list has taught you anything it should be that I've learned far more from my classmates then I ever did from my teachers or my formal education. And that is why Mr. Bauer is the top teacher on this list. He didn't overteach. He facilitated teaching. The reason that America has fallen behind Japan and Sweden and over two dozen other countries in education is not because we don't have good teachers. It's because we put too much weight on the teachers and not enough on involving the students actively in the class room. Students that aren't passionate about learning aren't going to learn shit by sitting in a classroom and listening to somebody drone on.

33. Garrett Turner - This was the first person who I ever got into a serious brawl with. He's the third person on this list that I have not spent serious time with. I've met him all of about two or three times and I doubt that I will ever see him again. However, a man's first fight is a landmark moment and it's something that I honestly believe that everybody should experience. You learn a hell of a lot about yourself. It's something that you have to fall into, because I don't recommend starting the fight. That's being a bully and could have negative legal repercussions. But if you are lucky enough to get into a fight, you might find that wrecking somebody's existence is a very gratifying feeling. I'm often surprised when I hear how many people have never been in a fight. I honestly put being on your first fight on par with your first kiss and getting your driver's license at rites of passage. The phrase "I'm a lover, not a fighter" has invaded our lexicon, but I question why one can't be both. There's no reason to be a hot head, but everybody I know has had a point in their life where a fight was warranted. At that point, don't step away from confrontation. Step up and wreck somebody's shit.

32. Kacey Knauf - This was the first monstrous, breath-stopping girl crush I ever had. Sure I had other big crushes growing up. Kirsten Dunst and Brandy were two big ones. But this was the first one where I had to see the girl every day and be taunted by her feminine mystique. Not that I minded. For as obsessed as I was (and she must have thought I was as creepy as all get out), I haven't seen or thought about her in years. However, in making this list it occurs to me that your first huge crush has a long and profound effect on your views on future relationships. I haven't been in a dating relationship in a couple years and am able to count the number of relationships that I've had on one hand (four). This stems largely from the fact that I am somebody who should certainly consider settling, but who doesn't want to. Your friends and family will tell you that you deserve a great mate and that one is out there for you. Economics will tell you the opposite. It's called the law of supply and demand. However, I remember back when I was in the 5th Grade. I remember the butterflies I used to get in my stomach whenever Kacey would walk by. And quite frankly I've never wanted to consider being with anyone who didn't make me feel that way. Oh, we could fool around. I just wouldn't want to get serious with somebody who didn't make my insides uncomfortable. So while being both moderately unattractive and in a less than preferable financial situation does not lend itself to holding out...I'll take my chances.

31. Matt Morris and 30. Joe Hummel - These are two of my brother's very best friends. Matt I affectionately refer to him as "Big Fat Morris" and have for years despite the fact that he is neither big nor fat. He has been a consistent presence in the O'Brien household since I was in Elementary School. I've even appeared on television with him when we filmed an episode of Area (a Trading Spaces rip-off), in which we found out that Morris is not very good at sewing pillows. He is good at a great many things though. He was obviously good enough at film making to be admitted into the prestigious USC film school. Joe is also the younger brother of one of my very best friends. I've known him almost since he was born and he's been at tons of important moments in my life. We spend the holidays together and without fail he will try and waste my time with stupid Youtube videos every Thanksgiving and Christmas. And while these two are certainly my brother's friends and not necessarily my friends, I would gladly hang out with them on a regular basis and what's more...I know that I can count on them if I need to because they are like family.

29. Sarah Beattie - This is a friend of mine from La Canada High School. I often refer to as the coolest girl I ever knew, because she has most of the practical sensibilities, tendencies, and conversational habits of a guy while maintaining the appearance of an attractive female. I honestly don't think that girls take this as a compliment, but they should. It's difficult for a girl to be one of the guys, but with the proper smattering of skills and know-how it can be done. It is physically impossible for a guy to be one of the girls without publicly making it very clear that he is homosexual. That's just the way that the female dynamic works. However, there's nothing wrong with being able to be one of the guys. It just means that one is an adaptable human being. I'm sure that when in the company of other women she is very lady-like. However, I like a girl who can talk sports, fix a carburetor, and play poker. I first met Sarah when she played basketball for the La Canada Spartans and she remains a good friend who leads a very interesting life. The Hot and Bothered Effect will be trying to get an interview with her in the months to come.

28. Ben Hewitt - This is a friend of mine from Xavier University, though we didn't become good friends until after we graduated. I knew him at Xavier because while I was on Senate he was the Special Events Committee Chair on SAC and served as our newspaper's whipping boy because Xavier doesn't have enough money to bring Beyonce on campus for a concert. However, after we graduated he became my co-worker at the mighty Clubessential. Here he took time out of his hectic NetCaddy schedule on a regular basis to assist me with his superior programming skills. He also has graced me with his presence at weekly trivia nights and poker games. And I thoroughly enjoy sitting next to him at Xavier's basketball games. He is leaving for Denver this week (but isn't everybody) and Cincinnati will not be the same place without him.

27. Jennifer Downing - She is a friend of mine from Xavier and served as my committee leader and later Senate Coordinator within Xavier's Student Government Association. Czar Downing, as we liked to call her, ruled the Senate floor with an Iron Fist. Her reign of terror stressed secrecy, efficiency, and neat and tidy presentations and binders. However, despite all of this bureaucratic pomp and circumstance there is still nobody that I would rather have a beer with at the end of a long meeting. She was an unparalleled conversationalist and had a great heart...though somehow she approved of my schemes and pranks as long as they were targeted at people that weren't her. I liked that mischievousness. She is also the only person on this list to almost crash into a parked car with me in the passenger seat and kill me. Had she succeeded she would be in the Top 10, and for that I am thankful that she is safely here at #27. Bad driving aside and despite the fact that I have her on record as saying that she doesn't want kids for quite some time, I think she would make an excellent mother. She is extremely patient and nurturing. I know because she mentored me through my first year on Senate.

26. Katie Barry - She is a friend of mine from my time with the La Canada Falcons Track and Field team. I still talk to Katie to this day on a regular basis, but I first met her while running for the La Canada Falcons. We were both distance runners and saw a lot of each other because the distance runners all work out together and there weren't many of us. Little kids are instinctively lazy when it comes to running and they mainly want to run the 100 and 200 meters or run down a runway and jump into a sandbox. Being distance runners made us a different breed. And after we finished running track we got to be even better friends throughout high school. She (along with Eric Bell) attended just about every LC Girls basketball game with me and we attended countless parties together. I still see her on a regular basis and she is a joy to hang out with. Unfortunately she is bouncing around the United States at a rapid pace in search of a degree in physical therapy so trying to visit her is a lot like charting the stars. It's Delaware now but it will soon be Seattle and then Lincoln, Nebraska. But wherever it may be I look forward to making a visit, because she's worth it.

25. Pablo Carlos - He was my coach when I ran for the La Canada Falcons. For some reason, people are consistently balking at this selection. When my brother was perusing my list he stopped at Pablo and questioned the selection. When Katie Barry found out that she was one spot behind him, she had a similar reaction. However, what needs to be realized is that Pablo and the Falcons were a big part of my life. I joined the team at it's very beginning when it was still at La Canada Community Center and consisted of six or seven people. And my friend Daniel and I were the only two left when we graduated from a bustling Mecca of track and field that now practiced at Glendale Community College and consisted of almost 200 people. Pablo was our fearless leader the whole time, and sometime after we reached the 100 people mark he wanted us to switch from calling him "Pablo" to calling him "Coach Carlos"...and Daniel and I must have easily run 150 or so laps in our time for refusing to do so. The truth is that I think of time on the Falcons so fondly because it's the one thing that I was ever great at that I knew was because I was great. Almost every team I've ever been on has been the best incarnation of that team that people have ever seen. My time spent with the St. Bede Chargers, the Loyola Cubs, Loyola ComedySportz, the Hannon Theater Company, and the Xavier Players all came during their Golden Eras, the likes of which had never been seen before or after. I brought success wherever I went. However, since I was never the best contributor to any of these endeavors, I have always questioned the value of what I brought to the table. Even my very successful stint as a CCD teacher with Jessica Hummel comes into question. Were the kids so good at learning because of my teaching-style or would chaos have struck had we removed Jessica's heavy-handed bad cop discipline from the classroom? I consider making it to Omaha, Nebraska for the Junior Olympics as one of my proudest achievements because I know that running an 800m in 2:03 is all me.

24. Kasey Hurlbutt - She is a friend of mine from St. Bede Elementary School. While I met her well before we started high school, she did not begin St. Bede with me...she transferred in during the 6th Grade. Two hours into the school day we had Physical Education and she showed up wearing a knee brace and ready to hurl some handball. At this point I knew that we could be friends. She has been a very good friend to me in the years since. And I mean in mean in the love and support kind of way, not just because she was my only friend who had a hot tub. She was always there to help me out with various projects for my CCD class or for our confirmation group or my Eagle Scout Project. A former Prom Queen, she also had an exceptional way with people. She was very much a cult of personality and she used this to my benefit once or twice, as well. In 7th Grade she got me elected Powder Puff coach. And let me tell you, convincing half the girls in our class to vote for one of the biggest geeks in a popularity contest had to be no easy feat. I'm still marginally surprised to this day that somebody with so many wiles and powers chose to use them for good (or for me). But it isn't like she got nothing in return. I did get her a Sexy Men of La Canada calendar for Christmas...and Mr. December is pretty hot if I re-call.

23. Shigeki Tanabe - He is a friend of mine from Xavier University. He was also the first really good friend that I ever had who was not an American citizen. We met on the Xavier Senate where he represented the International Student Society. Every semester the ISS would put a candidate up for election and then throw their considerable 600 or so votes behind him or her to ensure an easy victory for their candidates. People that come from countries that aren't democracies sure seem to appreciate democracy. And Shigeki represented his constituency better than anybody, although he promised Japanese technology for a better Xavier and we never did get laser pointers introduced into the classrooms. He was hard-working, insightful, and hilarious. He also can bomb a golf ball further than almost anyone I have ever met. What's more is that he made me realize that I could live in places that aren't America. I don't know that I'd want to America is pretty great. But he was the first international person I ever knew who I considered a friend and who I could see myself hanging out with on a daily basis. He's also the main reason I want America to stop worrying about immigration and just let in the potentially awesome diversity that those other 194 countries have to offer.

22. Rosie Swan - She is a friend of mine from Xavier University. While interning during her the summer before her junior year, she also lived with me in Los Angeles for three months. She must have liked it quite a bit because she is still there now. She's always been a glitz and glam kind of gal. She was a star during her days with the Xavier Players and also appeared in Don't Tell Anna. However, when I say that she is glitz and glam I am referring to the fact that she was her home town's Maple Queen. It's kind of like Pasadena's Rose Queen...except Ohio. She also makes about the 17th best cookie in Cincinnati. But despite my consistent attempts to shatter our friendship through various quips, molestations, and social experiments we remain good friends. She's a driven yet caring individual. She's funny, out-going, and while surely intelligent is also a little gullible. By this I mean that she will fall for many a ruse in the bar scene. So give it you best shot, fellas. She's already been taken in by professional squash player and "Denmarkian" (not to be confused with Danish) prince.

21. Holly Cervi - She is a friend of mine from Immaculate Heart High School and a former girlfriend. Incidentally, she is the first girl that I ever kissed. They say you never forget your first kiss. I can't say that it was anything magical, though that's not necessarily her fault. However, it probably is fair to say that it's the kiss that you compare all others to. Some have been much better...others have been worse. However, more importantly she taught me a lot about myself in relationships, and what I shouldn't do. We went on several dates over the course of a couple months but the relationship was not one that I thought was going anywhere. I always see those movies where somebody has a good thing going with a relationship and then they manage to fuck it up with a hearty amount of self-sabotage and I always think that they are total idiots. The truth is that I've committed self-sabotage in a relationship as well. Looking back it was somewhat idiotic and it made me rethink the way that I approach relationships. Holly was one of the funniest and funnest people that I had ever met and being a visual learner I knew that when you break up with a girl they tend to take it personally. I still wanted to be her friend but I didn't want to be in a relationship with her so I responded with a lack of effort in the relationship and achieved the intended result of having her break up with me. We left good friends, but this produced some odd fallout on my part. This relationship set the groundwork for my current stance that I won't enter into a relationship if I can't see it going the distance. And it has challenged my other slightly ridiculous notion that I will never break up with a girl, if only because I don't want to deal with the resentment. I realize that this is childish and is not befitting of the way that a man should conduct himself, but the results speak promisingly.

20. Tammi Horst - She was a long-time babysitter of mine. This is just the name of one babysitter that I had. This spot partially belongs to every babysitter that the O'Briens have ever had. Tammi was just the longest-running and most memorable. This spot also belongs to Amanda, Shannon, Julie, and the list goes on. Sorry Braden, not you. My mother is the best selector of babysitters that has ever graced this planet. Because while my memory may be clouded by the vast passage of time, I re-call almost all of my babysitters to be smokin' hot 10s. Either that or I just had a raging babysitter fetish and that made them appear to be 10s. Obviously I think that pedophilia is a sick, twisted notion and one of the most deplorable practices that one can partake in. However, my stance on it was a little more hazy when I was eight years old and the charge of some wicked sexy college girl. I would totally have given them a pass. There are a bunch of hopeless guys out there who have to pay hot girls to hang out with them. When I was a kid my mom and dad were paying the hot girls for me and I didn't try nearly hard enough to take advantage of it. If I have a son and am a selector of babysitters I will have a similar hiring practice to that of my parents and hope that he is smarter than me and has a little more fun while his mother and I are having some fun. I'm sure I will use the bathroom stall walls of college bars as my official Babysitter Yellow Pages. Well, now that I've gotten that creepy 10-year-old sharefest out of the way...on to #19.

19. Brendan Harper - He is a friend of mine from St. Bede and Loyola. He is the highest ranking ComedySportz member on this list and the older brother of #55. He is the reason that I joined ComedySportz and got into the whole comedy game which is a large part of my life to this day. He was a year older than myself at both St. Bede and Loyola and was somebody who I greatly looked up to. He was a close friend of my best friend Mark Skeehan and we went on several trips and family outings together. When I first attended Mr. Skeehan's annual Big 108 golf outing, I was exceedingly nervous that my skills wouldn't live up to the quality of play that was expected by everybody else. However, it helped greatly that for my first match I was paired with Brendan. It's excellent to play in a Scramble with somebody of his 7-handicap. It also doesn't hurt that one of our opponents (Tim Skeehan) was severely hung over and proceeded to vomit his way down the back nine. Brendan is one of the funnier people that I have ever known and watching him perform on Loyola's ComedySportz team was what made me want to join and paved the way for my six years involved with organized improv comedy. However, I also severely wronged Brendan when I was in the 5th Grade. As I mentioned earlier, I had a severe crush on Kacey Knauf, and because of this, I voted for her over Brendan for our school's Vice Presidency. This clearly violates the sacred man rule of Bros before Hoes, and I am still waiting for the hammer to fall on my Man Card.

18. Lewis Horne - He was a good friend of my brother's from St. Bede Elementary School. He is also the first person who I knew marginally well that died. I have never had a family member that I have met die. Two of my grandparents died before I was born and the other two are still alive. I had a neighbor die in a fire, but I hardly knew him. And I had a hairdresser die of AIDS, but he cut my hair about half a dozen times and that was it. Lewis was somebody that I saw on a day-to-day basis. He was in a small intimate class with my brother, he slept over at our house on occasion, and we jet skied with him and his family at the nearby lake. His father was my Scoutmaster for several years in Boy Scouts. Whenever you lose somebody in your life, it's cause for reflection. However, the first time you experience a loss like this the reflection is exponentially greater. And when you factor in that this death was a suicide, there was obviously a profound effect on me. Most of my thoughts and feelings regarding death and suicide can be traced back to Lewis' death. As you grow up, there are certain stigmas and impressions about death that society builds into you. However, it isn't until you first see how death can tear through a family that you get a full appreciation for how powerful an event it is. And my mind has never been as active as it was in the 48 hours following Lewis' death, trying to figure out the meaning in a situation where there probably wasn't much of one. It's a part of life, but it's probably the worst part of life. So for everybody that I care about: please don't drink and drive, watch your cholesterol, and if you ever start to think that life isn't worth living, please give me a call and I'll do my best to convince you otherwise or make it a little more livable.

17. Nico Archer - He is a friend of mine from Loyola High School. He also happens to be the highest-ranking personality from Loyola on this list, just edging out Lewis and Brendan. He wasn't my best friend at Loyola, but he was a good friend. And he was my first openly gay friend. My friendship with Nico cultivated many of the philosophies that I still carry today regarding homosexuality. It's the basis for my very strong leanings toward gay marriage and equality. I like to think that I would harbor these feelings regardless of whether I have good friends who are gay, however, I don't have to play that hypothetical. There's no question in my mind that any decent person wants their friends to be happy. And how could I support a system that denies basic rights and joyful experiences to people based on their sexual orientation. Not recognizing gay marriage is the most unconstitutional practice I can think of that America espouses today. It infringes on 10% of our population's right to the pursuit of happiness. And I have yet to hear a single defense of it that takes into account a proper separation of church and state. If I have to hear it described as a "sacred bond" by one more idiot who thinks that "sacred" is a secular word, I will throw a Random House dictionary at somebody. Sacred has seven definitions: the first three use the word "religion" and the the next four use the term "reverence". Ranting aside, he is also the person who introduced me to theater. I had been an athlete my entire life because I had been big my entire life...so it seemed like a fit. Theater is something that I thoroughly enjoy to the core of my being and if he hadn't convinced me to try out for Sweeney Todd, I would have missed out on some of the greatest nights of my life over the next seven years.

16. Matt Burrows - He is a friend of mine from La Canada High School. There are two many good Burrows stories to count. I have relayed many of them to my Cincinnati friends, the vast majority of whom do not know his first name because he is simply "Burrows". Sorry, but I have a brother named Matt. If he wanted to be called by his first name then his parents should have been more original. He is one of the smartest people that I know and is the person that I would most likely use as my lifeline if I was ever on a game show (Nick Rosati's ego just took a shot, but I made a key decision that puts me closer to winning a million dollars or whatever a good game of Cash Cab nets you these days). He is also probably the most responsible person I know. Normally, I would consider this a negative thing as I appreciate a solid amount of debauchery. However, in this case it just makes any debauchery that Burrows gets involved in ten times more exciting and comical. The man is a walking quote wall. He is responsible for more humorous sayings that the rest of this list combined until we get down to my brother Matt. He is a great friend, a generous dude, and an excellent protector. I'm serious...even respectfully implying that his sister is attractive is the quickest way to get a beat down from a guy so nice that he is accustomed to placing spiders outside rather than squashing them. He'll make the best husband and father of almost anybody that I know, and he's currently single, ladies. So get in while he's on the market.

15. Andrew Smith - He is a friend of mine from Xavier University. This is where I realized that ten is a smaller number than I imagine it to be. Before crafting this list and actually seeing it on paper, I would have said that everybody within my Top 15 was in my Top 10. But that's 15 people and not 10. I would certainly have thought that Andrew was in the Top 10. We have had a long and illustrious relationship together. We served on the Xavier Senate together for two years and spent one of those years on the same committee. We had somewhat similar political philosophies and objectives and our friendship was truly formed when we ran for the Executive together during my Junior Year...and got crushed by over 1000 votes at a school of just over 4000 undergrad. Our friendship reached an even higher level after graduation when we traversed to the great city of Milwaukee and enjoyed many adventures there. Of all of the friends that I graduated with and regularly associate with, he is the one who is furthest in the direction that I would like to be. He has a splendid house and a rapidly advancing career. I also love having boisterously opinionated arguments with him and watching The Challenge in his basement. I would currently consider him one of my five closest friends. 

14. Rob Madden - This was my freshman and sophomore year roommate at Xavier University. I have to imagine that this is a fairly standard position for a college roommate and if somebody doesn't have theirs in their Top 100, then they are probably kidding themselves. Rob and I lived together for an exciting freshman year and then lived together again sophomore year before he transferred to the University of Wisconsin. I would not say that we had a lot in common when we moved in together, but we did have the one thing that most successful roommate pairings need: not giving a shit. The other person could basically do whatever they wanted without a care or fear of reprisal. We were both capable of sleeping with the lights at any level and the noise volume at any level. And I didn't mind being sexiled when his girlfriend came to visit once a month. He in turn didn't care that I am not tidy. He himself was a whirlwind of untidy when he got drunk (he ripped our bean bag chair in two and scattered the contents throughout the room), but I was clearly in no position to complain. This is why we got along perfectly. He was also a pretty cool guy with very different life views from me, which we enjoyed discussing. It takes a certain kind of person to live with me and he was that certain kind of person. We were never going to be besties, but he was a great guy to eat dinner with or play soccer with. And I would absolutely live with him for two more years if given the opportunity.

13. Tim Short - This was my junior year roommate at Xavier University. He was a roommate that I could be besties with. I previously called Steve Abbott the funniest improviser that I had ever worked with. Please realize that it is not a contradictory statement when I refer to Tim Short as the funniest person that I have ever known. And I have known a hell of a lot of funny people. Nobody is capable of making me laugh the way Tim Short is. And I rarely have as much fun as I do whenever Tim Short is around. We lived together for one all too brief year and I've never had more fun. We were involved in Don't Tell Anna together as well as Xavier's Workshop. He also captained Xavier's club hockey team. However, for somebody who commanded a room as well as Tim did, he was also a really nice guy. He generally cared about people and was drawn toward a certain type of person: people who like to laugh at themselves. He loved to have fun at people's expense, but only if they were also having fun at their own expense. If my intention for a night is ever to simply have an adventure, then there is no person that I would rather spend that night with than Tim Short. He is an enthralling conversationalist, a kind-hearted humanitarian, and a person so personable and interesting that I think everybody who reads this blog would love to hear from him. With that said, I will not rest until Tim Short is interviewed for The Hot and Bothered Effect.

12. Mark Skeehan - This was a friend of mine from St. Bede Elementary School. He was my best friend for the majority of my tenure in elementary school. Mark was like a brother to me, but he was also the yin to my yang. We were very different and even though we did several activities together these only served to highlight our differences. We were both in St. Bede's accelerated classes. Mark was in them because he was a hard worker and I was in them in spite of the fact that I wasn't. We both played sports at St. Bede and on the community level teams. Mark played shooting guard and free safety because he had agility and dexterity. I played center and tackle because I was a big oaf. We both served on St. Bede's Student Council together. Mark won in a landslide because he was beloved by the masses and I won allegedly by a single vote, probably because I was Mark's friend. He constantly invited me on family trips were significantly more exciting than many of my own family's vacations. We played charades, went fishing, I attempted to tip sheep, stole produce from orchards, and flirted with his sister's friend Mary Goodwin (this became immensely funnier when her younger brother joined me on Loyola's ComedySportz team). We haven't been nearly as close since we graduated elementary school. I saw him throughout high school and even into college where he apparently focused less on golf and basketball and became a more rugged rodeo and big surf star. I look back fondly at our time together and even though he's on his way towards the alter and my dad sees him ten times more often than I do these days...I'd love to grab a beer with him sometime.

11. Alyssa Deutsch - This is a friend of mine from Xavier University. She is a great friend and the most impressive "spotter" I know. For those of you that like to pump some iron, you will know that a spotter is the person who stands next to you and makes sure that the massive amount of metal that you are lifting does not crush your trachea Stafon Johnson-style. They watch out for you. Well, Alyssa is a life spotter. She is constantly watching out for her friends and making sure that they survive to see their next birthday. While an excellent protector in this sense, she is also fully capable of kicking back and showing you an awesome time. She is the perfect amount of funny, charming, and adventurous...which makes her an awesome person to spend an evening with. She also got me my first real job out of college, and to this day that stands as the nicest thing that anybody who isn't related to me has ever done for me. She is excessively complimentary and seems to give people more adulation than they gives themselves and sometimes more than they deserve. I know that she thinks more highly of this blog than I do. She sees the best in people and gives them the best of herself. She is also the most "driven" person I know, that I would not classify as "ambitious". That isn't to say that she doesn't have ambitions. It's just to say that she is driven to succeed and accomplish not for the sake of self-adulation and glorification, but out of some more profound sense that through determination and elbow grease she will improve her life and the lives of others by making her surroundings better.

10. Katy Murphy - This is a friend of mine from Xavier University. We've reached the Top 10. This means that we are getting to the superlatives in my life. I recently introduced you to Tim Short, who I said was the funniest person I have ever met...no small task. Well, Katy Murphy is the nicest person that I have ever met. Out of every person that I have met in my life I would have to say that my mother has the most unconditional love for me, Ray O'Brien. But Katy Murphy is the person who has the most unconditional love for everybody. I have spent thousands of hours with her and have yet to hear her mutter a single bad word about anybody. And I constantly personally benefited from her profound sense of charity. I would not have made it through college without her. Whenever, I found myself in dire straits throughout college, she would consistently drop what she was doing to help me. I should probably rip off about 20% of my degree and hand it to her. There were numerous times when I needed a car to run off on some emergency, be it to get a project copied at Kinko's or to take a friend to the ER, and she gladly lent hers every time. I must fully acknowledge that I am a frustrating human being and she is the only person who has spent more than a week with me who has never implied that she noticed. She was of course my year's uber-Fellow and after she graduated they basically disbanded the program since they figured that it had seen it's highest peak. I haven't seen her in over a year, but I hope to change that as soon as humanly possible.

9. Erin Swietlik - This is a friend of mine from Xavier University. She is my best female friend to come out of Xavier University. We first met freshman year when she was rocking a sweet page boy haircut. She was brought on to the Brockman Community Council that I was on freshman year to replace our departing secretary and the rest is history. We co-oped on programs so successfully the following year as the Presidents of Kuhlman and Buenger hall that Husman Hall's council filed some sort of anti-trust accusations against us with Res Life. She then became my running mate when we ran for Xavier's Senate during our sophomore year. She has been an exceptionally great friend to me and regularly invited me into her family home. She is by far my fanciest friend (bordering on schmancy). She also has by far the most polish of all of my good friends. She's 24 but acts like she's a thirtysomething CEO. I expect to see her as the head of a major corporation by 30. My favorite attribute about her is that although she is kind and tactful, she is also incredibly honest. It is for this reason that she fits into a very select group (about 7) of people I know. I am well aware that my life is kind of a wreck and I face a steady barrage of criticism and advice regarding various aspects of it. There is a select group of people whose input on my life actually matters to me. Only three of the eight people below her actually fit into this group as well. There are three main criteria. 1. You have to actually have demonstrated that you care about me and have my best interests at heart. 2. You have to not over-use your criticism card. 3. You have to have your own shit "together". No throwing stones from a glass house. Erin fits these criterion because she is somebody whom I respect and who has always been there for me in the past.

8. Krissy Smith - This is a friend of mine from La Canada High School and a former girlfriend. As the first girl I ever dated, she has obviously played an important role in my life and development. And even though the romance is long gone she remains one of my closest friends. I first met her at a Jessica Hummel Halloween party. I was sporting a pretty rocking chicken costume and she was wearing a Twister costume. We went on some dates and attended a few dances together and it didn't work out. However, I think that our friendship has worked out pretty well. To this day I consider her one of my closest confidantes and am willing to discuss things with her that would not be privy to most people...sometimes she probably wishes they weren't privy to her. She's incredibly intelligent, super athletic, insufferably nice, and unfailingly responsible. But she's not without her flaws: she shies away from conflict, lacks depth perception, and goes "deer in the headlights" when put on the spot. But she more than makes up for it with her warmth and jovial personality. She has a good sense of humor, an even bigger heart, an even longer mildly-erotic wingspan, and a keen sense of responsibility and loyalty. She's great to talk to because she's interesting, intelligent, and honest. Even though it does drive me crazy that when she does offer good-natured constructive criticism she slathers on way too much tact and gives the person a "Please Don't Punch Me in the Face" expression. I guess that's Flaw #4. She is easily one of the best friends of my life to date...even if she is my least best friend in her own apartment.

7. Nick Rosati - This is a friend of mine from Xavier University and a former roommate. He served as my roommate for the two years that directly proceeded my graduation and has been a running buddy of mine since our sophomore year of college. Nobody has spent more time with me over the past two years than Nick. My relationship with Nick is an interesting one in that in many ways we are extremely similar and in others we could not be further apart. He brings out many of the stronger parts of my personality such as my testiness, my intellect, and my competitive nature. We also have a lot of the same interests. That being said...we tend to disagree on everything. I fight with him like he's a member of my family. But I know that if I need him, he's got my back. While not as cuddly as the other Wisconsin natives in this Top 10 (e.g. Katy Murphy and Erin Swietlik), he is not without his charms. While I count sneakiness and vengefulness among his best qualities...it should be pointed out that I value these. And he also is capable of grand gestures of compassion, romance, and creativity. If you took the proper parts of myself and mixed them with the proper parts of Nick, I honestly believe that between each of our best attributes you could create the perfect human being. That being said...if you mixed the wrong parts of each of us you could potentially create the least functional human being in the history of history.

6. Jessica Hummel - This is a friend of mine from life before St. Bede Elementary School. She is my longest-running active female friend. We have known each other for about 22 years. Throughout our entire history together she has managed to ride her role as a sweet, unassuming, consensus-maker and pepper in some drunken outbursts when Moira and Brian (her parents) weren't looking. She is my closest female friend and I have stated that she is the only one who I wouldn't make out with. Seriously, I would make out with any other female reading this blog post who isn't related to me by blood or dating somebody who could beat me up. And the if asked to list her positive qualities I would have to say everything. Even if I attempted to name her negative attributes they come off sounding like positives. Let's try: #1: She tries to please everybody. #2: She is too tidy and organized. #3: She puts too much energy into helping people who probably don't deserve it. See what I mean? She is the total package. But there are a lot of great people on this list that I think very highly of. So what sets her at #6? The fact that I think she legitimately cares about my well-being, and that I can count on her to help me when I can't turn elsewhere. She has stated that our families are such good friends that she couldn't successfully kick me out of her life if she wanted to...but I don't think she ever would anyway. She is unfailingly loyal and keeps backing lost causes long after everybody else has given up on them. So, I'll see her across that Thanksgiving table next year and continue to accost her with my idiotic comments and my flippant mockery of her job baby-sitting fat people. It's called tough love.

5. Daniel Fishman - This is a friend of mine from La Canada High School. Every fulfilled life should feature at least one epic best friendship. This is mine. For the last sixteen years he has been the Lewis to my Clark...or the Clark to my Lewis sometimes. When I tell many of the Big Fish interesting adventure stories that have made up my life, Daniel is in most of them. It would be hard for me to tell that I was one of his closest friends if it hadn't been for the amount of time we spent together, because Daniel makes everybody feel like they are his closest friend. He is the quintessential people person and I have yet to meet somebody that he can't charm the pants off of. This is his gift and his curse: as he is also the person that I know who is most likely to have a Fatal Attraction/Single White Female-type stalker. I'm not sure where I would be without the longtime companionship of Daniel Fishman. He is the person whose advice and criticism I value the most because he throughout my first 25 years nobody has done a better job of making me feel important and valued than Daniel Fishman. My family loves me and I will never take that for granted, but I also have to respect that part of the reason for that is because we are family. Daniel isn't blood...he doesn't have to treat me half as well as he does. I've spent more time with him than with anybody who isn't related to me and I can't think of a single thing that I dislike about him. I even like his ridiculous patented basketball shot: The One-Handed Fishman. I don't think most people can name anything they dislike about him. Even people that he despises like him. Nobody has achieved more of the Lush Life that I preach than Daniel. He is currently in China teaching students, but once he comes back I thoroughly hope that we can resume our adventures because I'm ready to make some more of those Big Fish stories. And he can use them at my wedding where he'll probably be giving the toast...and then be stalked Fatal Attraction-style by multiple bridesmaids.

4. Matt O'Brien - This is my youngest brother. He's the reason that I never drank in high school or did drugs. Believe you me...I was offered. Despite screwing up here and there as a teenager, I think it can be agreed by my parents and almost any other set of parents that I was a pretty good kid. When you compare me to some of my friends, I was an absolute model citizen. Why I was this model citizen can be attributed to many variables and stimuli. You could credit my upbringing or some sort of fear of consequences or that I just never saw the value in debauchery. I never really feared running afoul of the law or my dad's belt. The real reason is that from the time Matt was born it was explained quite clearly to me that I was a role model. Sure, I had another brother who my parents tried to convince me that I was a role model to, but with him being less than two years younger...I never totally bought it. To this day, Matt is the one person who I least want to be disappointed in me. Sure, nobody wants their parents to be disappointed in them, but it happened so often during my formative years that the repetition made it lose its sting. I bought into my position as a role model figure and have tried to be the best me that I can be. I see a lot of myself in Matt and I see a lot of characteristics in him that I wish I had. He's loyal, cerebral, friendly, thoughtful, and hilarious. He would probably be the second funniest person I know...and the only person with more great unintentionally funny quotes than Matt Burrows. Despite what Will might think, he also is probably leading the O'Brien Family Inheritance Race with his acceptance to Notre Dame. He somehow took the same skill set that Will and I both had and did with it what we couldn't. But Matt is such a nice caring person with a strong commitment to family that I know that should I ever need some of that O'Brien family cheddar to send Ray V (or whatever the hell my wife wants to name our offspring) off to college...he'll lend it to me with a low interest rate. Will would run the juice at 10%. So, if not getting shit-faced while Matt was there to watch cost me any great excitement in high school, it was worth it...because he turned out to be one of the best kids I know.

3. Will O'Brien - This is my younger brother. It might seem pretty cold-blooded to put one brother in front of the other. The thing here is that I'm not picking a favorite brother. One has just had four more years to influence me than the other. Though, I'm not saying that they shouldn't fight for the title of favorite brother. There might be a Best Man spot in it for the winner. If Will and Matt each parallel one half of me then Will is the creative half but he's also the competitive half. He's one of the funnier people I know, and while we never got to play ComedySportz together since he didn't join until after the final match of my Senior year...I think we could have been a hell of a team. He's also a fiercely loyal person and somebody that you want on your side in any competition regardless of the parameters. He is not short on self-confidence and might be the most sure-handed person I know...whether that is always justified or not. While he often got credit for being the least book smart of the three brothers...he is probably the most street smart. He definitely is the best at working people. He has an innate hatred of losing and letting people get the better of him, the likes of which other people have trouble comprehending. But he is also one of the more thoughtful O'Briens and probably the most fun to hang out with. He's a people person and an expert at building and maintaining relationships. He's passionate and speaks his mind and depending upon how you conduct yourself he can be quick with both a compliment or an insult. For anybody roommate who ever thought that it was hard to live with me for a year...Will and I shared a room for close to twelve years. And even after all that time I know that if push comes to shove he's still got my back.

2. Ray O'Brien III - This is my father. It must also seem pretty cold-blooded to put one parent in front of the other when they both gander at your blog from time to time. However, I think that my father would be the first to agree that Patty should take the #1 spot. That is my father's way. He is always looking out for his family first, and himself second. Aside from being an excellent provider for his family, he has also influenced me as greatly as anybody. There is no question that I am my father's son. If I hadn't come out of my mother...I would request a paternity test to make sure that I was physically her son. We look very little alike. All of my physical genes are from the O'Brien strain and if mental and emotional attributes are a product of nature and not nurture, then I got most of those from his genes to. I act more like my father than my mother. He taught me all that I currently know about being a man. Personal responsibility, chivalry, and toughness: these all came from Ray O'Brien III. While my mother is responsible for more of my civilities and niceties, my father is responsible for my more functional skill set. He sometimes gets less appreciation than my mother does for raising three kids because in their finely tuned Good Cop, Bad Cop routine he often had to play Bad Cop. And in a way he is more of the Bad Cop. The Dwyers are a family that was raised on puppy dogs and rainbows. The O'Briens are a family that was raised on bickering and intimidation, but with a solid backbone of fierce family loyalty. They'd beat the crap out of each other, but if an outsider ever stepped to lay a hand or a verbal barb on one of them...then that outsider was about to get smacked the fuck up. It's here that I got my trademark toughness. When somebody is in a funk or depressed my mother consistently refers to them as being "in a bad place". It's thanks to my father that I don't have a bad place. He taught me to be tough and that it's no use getting depressed because whatever shit I'm in is my fault, so rather than sulk about it I may as well get my act together and hustle my ass towards a solution. So, it's understandable that my father might be the less cuddly of my parents, but it doesn't mean that he loved me any less or that he is any less responsible for making me the man who I am today. 

1. Patty Dwyer - This is my mother. She is the one who birthed me. Though I was a Ceasarian Section...so she had some help. She has spent more time in my proximity than any other person on this planet. Every child looks at their parents and either sees a role model to aspire toward or a cautionary tale to avoid. Tons of kids look at the way that they were raised and think about how when they are parents things will be different, that they will raise their children differently...and better. Well, I intend to raise my children exactly as my mother raised me. She is, without debate, the greatest mother of all time. She has approached my upbringing with an infinite amount of love and a seemingly infinite amount of patience and work ethic. While many of the traits that I appreciate in myself (competitiveness, craftiness, determination, personal accountability, etc.) come from my father...the traits that others appreciate came from my mother. If I have ever done you a service or a kindness, don't thank me. Thank my mother. She taught me to be generous. She taught me to help others and then say "No thank you" to reimbursement. The point of this list is to say that I wouldn't be where I am today without every person named above. However, my parents might be the only people on this list who if I had not had in my life, I can convincingly say I know that I would not like where I'd be right now. Had I had a different mother, all other things being equal...I would probably be a miserable man right now. I am a person who needs love and attention and she delivered it by the truckload.

So great is her contribution to my life that she gets a second paragraph. To be fair she is the equivalent of TIME's Person of the Year. (Side note: To hell with Mark Zuckerberg...The Miz got hosed! He was the true Person of the Year.) I have always had such high esteem for my mother that disappointing her has factored into the majority of decisions in my life. It was because seeing my mother cry is the one thing that I absolutely can not deal with to this day. The crazy thing about it is that throughout my life, everybody else has been the same way. Nobody wants to disappoint Patty Dwyer. Despite the fact that she didn't buy all of my friends McDonald's or let them drink in the basement, she was somehow the "cool mom". Though this never translated to me being the "cool kid". I can't tell you how many times friends would be doing something of ill-repute and ask me to not tell my mom. As though she would really care that their cheating in history class when she has her own kids and their not smoking reefer or getting girls pregnant to worry about. You just never wanted to disappoint Patty. I never wanted to disappoint her because I always felt that she was the one person who held me in as high esteem as I hold myself. If any other female ever does this I will make her my wife, no questions asked. I have a ton of stupid inane ideas, habits, and goals for my life and she has accepted most of them. And the ones that are truly too stupid and too inane she is able to disapprove of with more tact than anybody else I know. And so for helping me make it through my first 25 years, she has earned the title of Ray O'Brien Person of the Quarter Century.