Ray's Contrarian Opinions #2

Hopefully you know the drill by now. This is the segment where I rant about how much I despise something that everybody else loves and where I espouse the greatness of something that most others frown upon.

#2. Julia Roberts

She is Hollywood's A-List darling. She is beloved by all for her grace, her charm, and her endearing romantic comedies. Pretty Woman is still the gold standard for romance. And wasn't she great in Steel Magnolias and Erin Brockavich? Who wasn't touched by her performances in Notting Hill and Charlotte's Web? Can you believe the Academy hasn't given her a second Oscar? The answers to these questions are No, Me, and Yes, respectively. I can't stand the woman. She's an exceptionally limited and untalented actress. She makes a disproportionately high amount of shitty films. And by all accounts she is a bitch. And despite all of this she is allowed to maintain A-List status while hanging her numerous current box office bombs on the reputation of hits that she made twenty years ago. And she also has the media and middle America eating out of her hand. It's time I dissected why Julia Roberts isn't so great. I'm going to open up some Whoop-Ass Sabermetrics on this runaway bride. Let's crunch a few numbers...

Number of Theatrical Release Films that Julia Roberts has Appeared in: 39
Number of Good (According to Rotten Tomatoes), Financially Successful Films: 11

Right there you have a less than preferable percentage. That's 28.2% Let's compare this to the numbers of the other top 10 candidates for the role of America's Sweetheart.

Reese Witherspoon - 43.5% -- And that's counting Cruel Intentions as bad. Blasphemy!!!!
Sandra Bullock - 26.7% -- But she's worse at picking films than she is at husbands.
Anne Hathaway - 46.7% -- And that's discounting a movie that made over a billion dollars.
Kate Winslet - 69.6% -- That is an atrociously awesome number. And they said The Holiday and Life of David Gale were bad.
Charlize Theron - 40% -- If she knew enough to say no to Woody Allen this number could be higher.
Nicole Kidman - 47.1% -- If she knew enough not to make movies with Tom Cruise this number could be higher.
Cate Blanchett - 73.3% -- Is this number a joke? And she was nominated for an Academy Award for her worst film!!
Diane Lane - 33.3% -- Though she is significantly worse at making Richard Gere films than Julia.
Natalie Portman - 71.4% -- Another obscenely high number. And she was so much better than Julia in Closer that it was laughable.
Anjolina Jolie - 44.4% -- Though I am skeptical that Girl, Interrupted was bad and Sky King and the World of Tomorrow was good. What the fuck?

Alright, so we've established that nine out of these ten women do better films than Julia. And all ten of them have a better rated film than Julia's top film (Erin Brockavich @ 83%). Let's get to something that matters a little more to me. She is the only person on this list who has not given us a nude scene. And seven of these ten women have given what can be described as epic nude scenes. It is true that Cate Blanchett has used body doubles since Elizabeth, but she is rocking a 73.3. That comes with some perks. If you've done films for over twenty years and American hasn't seen your breasts...are you really an actress? That's something to think on.

But there are tons of actresses who make crappy rom-com after crappy rom-com and yet America still let's them hold their heads up high. Look at Katherine Heigl. So why do I dislike Julia Roberts so much. It's because she is actually selective with her roles. Very selective. Katherine Heigl just wants a paycheck. I can't blame her if they wave the script for 27 Dresses in front of her and tell her she gets $10,000,000, gets to keep the dresses, and gets to mack on James Marsden. But Julia actually rejects tons of decent films in favor of this drivel she churns out. The roles that this woman has turned down are some of the best ever written for a female. She has turned down two Oscar-winning roles (Viola de Lesseps in Shakespeare in Love and Leanne Touhy in The Blind Side), as well as the role of Annie in Sleepless in Seattle, the role of Catherine Trammell in Basic Instinct (she wouldn't have shown her snatch anyway), and the role of Mary Corleone in The Godfather Part III (I guess it was an offer she could refuse).

She's also a big fan of protecting her "brand" and thus only takes certain parts. This leads to my utterly true statement that she is a limited actress. When reading for the film America's Sweethearts she was originally offered the part of Gwen. She immediately turned this part down because the character was a "bitch" but she asked for the more sympathetic role of the protagonist sister, Kiki. Catherine Zeta-Jones was then brought in to fill the part of Gwen and proceeded to act circles around Julia in a part that while less glamorous had a lot more to offer. Julia Roberts can't or won't play a bitch or a villain. Last time  I checked, villain is a pretty big staple character in Hollywood. That makes you a very limited actress. And if you aren't willing to play a bitch...it means that you are a bitch. And I know Stephen Spielberg agrees with me.

I say this because he has vowed to never work with Julia Roberts again after casting her as Tinkerbell in Hook. According to reports working with her was an unmitigated disaster. And it's not just Stephen, several Hollywood big-wigs feel this way. But yet she still commands star power because she has an Oscar and made a film 20 years ago that grossed $463 million on a $14 million dollar budget...and that's like $750 million in today's money with more foreign markets and higher ticket prices. It's not just directors that she has difficulty getting along with. She has had an extensive string of celebrity boyfriends (not unusual) including a called-off engagement and a divorce (now we're in diva territory). She has dated some of Hollywood's hottest young actors including Dylan McDermott, Kiefer Sutherland, and Benjamin Bratt in their sexual primes. However, this is odd because she really isn't that hot. PEOPLE magazine and her publicist want you to think she's hot. But is she? Oh, sure she seems hot in Steel Magnolias, but you can stick any woman next to Olympia Dukakis and Shirley MacLaine and you've got a stunner. She actually is hot in Pretty Woman, but if I haven't made this clear enough yet, here you go: Pretty Woman is the exception to her career, not the rule. Let's do the hotness breakdown vs. the second-billed actress in each of Top 20 highest-budgeted movies where they can actually afford other actresses. Animated films will not be counted.

1. Flatliners - $26 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Hope Davis - Hope Davis has to take the win here. Julia is 0/1.  

2. Closer - $27 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Natalie Portman - If you have seen this movie then you know that this is Natalie in an absolute landslide. Julia gets utterly bloodied here and is 0/2.  

3. I Love Trouble - $30 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Kelly Rutherford - Julia gets beaten again. Argue this one circa 1994. I dare you. Julia is 0/3.  

4. Notting Hill - $42 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Emma Chambers - There are some other actresses that could have pushed harder from this film but Julia should easily be able to dispatch this second-banana. Julia moves to 1/4. 

5. My Best Friend's Wedding - $46 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Cameron Diaz - We have a tight race. Not between Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz but between Closer and My Best Friend's Wedding for biggest blow-out. Cameron Diaz in her prime absolutely throws Julia over fuckin' furniture in this movie. No contest. Julia's broke ass limps to 1/5.  

6. Mary Reilly - $47 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Kathy Staff vs. The Death of Her Career - Julia Roberts is going up against an 80-year-old hag here but I still won't be giving her the win because the movie made less than 25% of it's budget world-wide, she earned a well-deserved Razzie Nomination for worst actress, and the film was so horribly bad that she deserves to lose. Julia is 1/6.  

7. America's Sweethearts - $48 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Catherine Zeta-Jones - Another no contest stomping. Catherine wins running away. Julia is 1/7.  

8. Stepmom - $50 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Susan Sarandon - Julia salvages an easy win here, but against this bug-eyed Commie. Julia moves to 2/8.  

9. Erin Brockovich - $51 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Marg Helgenberger - Julia wins another one. She also shows some decent cleavage in this one. If she was inevitably going to get an Oscar it may as well be here. Julia is 3/9.  

10. Valentine's Day - $52 Million: Julia Roberts vs. No Chance in Hell - Julia is outfoxed (literally) by at least five actresses in this ensemble film. Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Biel, and Anne Hathaway all stomp her into the ground with a fiery passion. She also loses out to her own niece Emma Roberts and serial squinter Taylor Swift. Luckily, this is only one film and she mercifully gets to go to 3/10 at the turn.  

11. The Mexican - $57 Million: Julia Roberts vs. No other Billed Actresses - Great, you win vs. nobody Julia. 4/11. 

12. Duplicity - $60 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Kathleen Chalfant - Julia picks up an easy win against a 65-year-old broad who barely has a Wikipedia page. Julia is 5/12.  

13. Eat Pray Love - $60 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Viola Davis - If this was Tajari Henson then we have a battle but Viola Davis is too emaciated. Julia Roberts wins and moves to 6/13.  

14. Mona Lisa Smile - $65 Million: Julia Roberts vs. A Mob of Chicks That Are All Hotter Than Her - Julia gets blasted hard by Julia Stiles, Kirsten Dunst, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Ginnifer Goodwin. She never had a chance against any of them. She is now 6/14.  

15. Hook - $70 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Maggie Smith - This may as well be Julia Roberts vs. Bob Hoskins in this film. Despite another Razzie nomination she moves to 7/15. 

16. Runaway Bride - $70 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Joan Cusack - We're going to have to give this one to Julia as well...pulling herself back up to 50% at 8/16.  

17. Charlie Wilson's War - $75 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Amy Adams vs. Emily Blunt - It doesn't matter who wins of these three because Julia Roberts definitely loses to both of them, dropping her to 8/17.  

18. Conspiracy Theory - $80 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Nobody - 12 billed actors...only one female. She wins in a walkover to go 9/18. 

19. Ocean's 11 - $85 Million: Julia Roberts vs. Holly Marie Combs - Another film with only one of the top 15 billed actors being a female. However, we'll count cameos here and Julia stands no chance against the Charming Ms. Combs. She is 9/19.  

20. Ocean's 12 - $110 Million: Julie Roberts vs. Catherine Zeta-Jones - In a rematch of America's Sweethearts, Julia fairs no better and gets dropped again to 9/20.

If we can agree upon these figures it means that Julia Roberts is not even the most attractive female draw in over half of her movies.

#2. Rainstorms

Rainstorms are pretty damn awesome. I'd say that snow is pretty damn awesome, as well...but tons of people who grew up without snow would agree. Snow is magical for many people. However, rain seems to be universally hated. People are always chanting "Rain, Rain, Go Away!" Well not me. I don't own an umbrella. I love rainstorms for a variety of reasons. And I don't mean in the sense that you have to put up with the rain to get your rainbow (or double rainbow). I think of it more as, "Oh, Shit! The rainbow is coming...that means the rain is almost gone." I hear the haters and I see some of their points. So, it's cold, it's wet, and it cancels your picnics. There's still so much to love about rain. I may have a leg up on other people in this regard...because I don't get cold. I'm not totally impervious, but it bothers me significantly less than the next guy. I do get wet, but I find water to be refreshing. Rain running down my face is one of my favorite feelings.

Nobody likes damp, sticky clothes, but I've been known to solve this problem by removing my shirt when in the rain for an extended period of time. It's very liberating and it feels excellent. People often say to me, "But Ray, there are situations where it's not appropriate to be shirtless." To them I say that none of these situations exist in the rain. There are no important meetings or job interviews in the rain. There are no first dates in the rain. The only inappropriate situation that could take place in the rain is a burial ceremony, and then your grief over your loss should be consuming enough that you don't even notice damp clothes. The last time I got caught in the rain for over an hour was at the most recent Notre Dame vs. USC football game. Football games are a very appropriate time to be shirtless, so I obliged and nobody thought twice about it. It felt awesome. I would put being shirtless in the rain up there with a hot stone massage on the refreshment scale. However, what is not acceptable to do when caught in the rain at a football game is buy a USC poncho, which about 10-15% of the Irish fans in my section did. Have you no shame? Take death by hypothermia, before it comes to that.

And why rain cancels people's plans is beyond me. As long as electrical equipment isn't involved, I would think that rain enhances outdoor activities. It definitely improves outdoor sports. I love playing all sorts of sports: football, basketball, soccer, volleyball, golf, the list goes on. And rain makes all of them better. While, it may be true that you have to keep your shirt on at golf courses...that isn't true of the courses that I play. Athletic plays just become more impressive in the rain. Everybody has sunk a 3-pointer or a 20 foot putt at some point in their lives. But have they done it in the rain? Playing sports, eating meals with friends, or holding conversations in the rain will help to combat the number one shameless rumor about the rain that has been propagated by elitist propaganda. I am, of course, speaking to the stereotype that the rain is lonely. How many times have we seen a movie or television program that shows a poor, anguished soul standing by his lonesome self in the rain looking inside upon a warm, happy group of people frolicking indoors and enjoying each other's company? I don't know where this propaganda began, but I'm pretty sure I can stick the blame on Charles Schultz. He always drew the rain cloud that appeared over Charlie Brown's head to be menacing and spiteful, and I think that rainclouds got a bad wrap based upon his depictions of them. The rain is a place just like any other place, maybe a little wetter than some other places, where people can meet and hang out just as easily as they could under roof or sunshine. The reason that rain is depicted as being so lonely is because nobody wants to be outside in the rain, and it's hard to hang out with people at a location that they don't want to be at. We wouldn't have this problem if everybody would just embrace the rain.

However, my favorite thing about the rain is that everybody hates it. Unlike many other blog posts that I write, I'm not really trying to be persuasive here. People's hatred of the rain is beneficial to me. In almost all aspects of life, one's ability to accurately predict outcomes is going to be beneficial. If you could predict the outcome of a roulette wheel or the value of stocks with exceptional accuracy then you would have a skill that could make you a lot of money. Being able to predict people's actions and reactions also carries with it tremendous benefit. The sort of ironic thing is that while the weather carries with it a statistically significant degree of unpredictability, it makes people completely predictable. When it's raining outside, my ability to predict human behavior increases exponentially. That means that if you are like most people and prefer to stay out of the rain, you stand a decent chance of becoming my bitch. Not really. But I do know that you're more likely to stay inside and that because I'm willing to brave the rain, if I want to go to the gym or the grocery store or the library...I will have them all to myself. And in case you were wondering, waiting in line (unlike rain) is something that I do actually hate with a fiery passion. But you can't write a contrariwise opinion on that because every hates waiting in line. Rainstorms mean that you can go to your favorite popular restaurant and there is a very good chance that there will be no wait. You can go to the gym and your favorite machine has an 83% better chance of being open. Seriously, we need some scientists to some statistical research on this. There are also significantly less cars on the road, though the ones on the road are often hydro-planing or driving like maniacs. The trick is that rain acts as a funnel. It funnels people. People consider it an inconvenience, so they stay where they are unless it's necessary for them to go elsewhere.

However, while I like to keep the masses predictable for my own benefit, I want my friends and readers to appreciate the rain. I want you to come out and enjoy it with me so that I can get the most enjoyment out of it that it has to offer. Know that many great things happen in the rain. Despite the haters and propaganda czars like Charles Schultz, even Hollywood and the music industry realize that tons of life's spectacular moments happen in the rain. Tons of classic movie scenes take place in torrential downpours. The cathartic escape scene in Shawshank Redemption was rain-soaked. The kick-ass final scene of Unforgiven is in the rain. And a good deal of Singin' in the Rain takes place in the rain. And make-out scenes become exponentially more awesome in the rain. Tell me that Spider-Man and The Notebook didn't make you want to get stuck in a downpour with your sweetheart for some dripping wet mack-out action. Only Julia Robert's movies seem to lack the appropriate amount of rain. Some of the best songs are also all about the rain. Milli Vanilli's "Blame It on the Rain", Rihanna's "Umbrella", Billie Myers' "Kiss the Rain", and Prince's "Purple Rain" wouldn't be possible without rain. Where would Blind Melon be if it wasn't for rain? My guess is practicing in their parents' garages. So, next time it's raining, give me a call and let's go out and enjoy the atmosphere.