A Salute to Christmas Specials

Every year film, television, and radio take advantage of America's holiday craze like every other business in America, and roll out Christmas themed programming. Some of this programming is good and warms our hearts, and a lot of it is so bad that it makes me wish we were at New Year's already. However, love them or hate them Christmas specials have horned their way into American culture and lexicon, and that means that they're worth me taking a look at the more popular ones. I'll give you the skinny on 16 of the most popular yearly Christmas films and Specials and let you know which one is the best. I'll also be looking at some plot holes and quandaries that some of these specials present. Here's a view of the bracket with a rundown of the competitors:

Animated Specials:

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Plot Synopsis - A bitter, cave-dwelling green Lynx-like creature who has a heart that is two sizes too small descends from his home on Mount Crumpet with his faithful dog, Max, to rob the pig-nosed Whos down in Whoville of their Christmas, and therefore their happiness. But will he be able to prevent Christmas from coming?

The Moral of the Story - Christmas is about more than decorations and gifts. If you stripped away all of the consumerism, it would still be a special day.

Frosty the Snowman

Plot Synopsis - Karen and her sentient snowman friend Frosty attempt to get to the North Pole so that Frosty won't melt, but they will have to avoid the nefarious Professor Hinkle, an inept magician whose magical hat gives Frosty his cognitive sentience. Can they get word to Santa for help before Frosty melts or Hinkle repossesses his top hat?

The Moral of the Story - I'm not sure that there is one. Maybe that snow people shouldn't live in glass houses, or at least glass green houses.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Plot Synopsis - Charlie Brown is put in charge of directing the school's nativity play, but becomes depressed due to the over-commercialization of Christmas, the fact that nobody respects his authority as a director, and his being ostracized by the other children for his poor Christmas tree selection.

The Moral of the Story - Christmas isn't a holiday of commercialism and secularism, it is meant to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ and remind us to practice peace on Earth and good will towards men.

The Town Santa Forgot

Plot Synopsis - A spoiled kid named Jeremy Creek writes Santa Claus a list that is so long that Santa assumes that it must be a town and not a single boy. It turns out that Jeremy Creek is a town that has been left off of Santa's route and they get all of Jeremy's presents.

The Moral of the Story - It is better to give than it is to receive.

Stop-Motion Specials:

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer 

Plot Synopsis - Rudolph and Hermie, a reindeer who is ostracized because of his red, glowing nose and an elf that is ostracized because he aspires to be a dentist, decide to leave Santa's village on the North Pole and go on an adventure. They meet a prospector named Yukon Cornelius, discover the Island of Misfit toys, and run into the fearsome Bumble.

The Moral of the Story - Everybody is useful and we should celebrate our differences, not be ashamed of them.

The Year Without a Santa Claus
 

Plot Synopsis - Santa decides that America's children are cynical, ungrateful little twats and unless there is substantial belief in him...he is going to cancel Christmas. Two of his elves, Jingle and Jangle, go out to secure belief in Santa Claus, but they are held up in Southtown and will not be able to save Christmas unless they can convince step-brothers Snow Miser and Heat Miser to call a territorial armistice during Christmas and allow snow in Southtown.

The Moral of the Story - If somebody is being a dick...just tell their mother and that should straighten things out.

The Nightmare Before Christmas
 

Plot Synopsis - Jack Skellington, the King of Halloween, gets bored with being such a Halloween bad-ass 24/7. So he wanders into the forest and stumbles across Christmastown. Deciding that he'd like to be a pretty bad-ass "Sandy Claws", he decides to depose the old man and put his own special spin on the holiday.

The Moral of the Story - Don't quit your day job and stick to what you're good at.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Plot Synopsis - The story of Santa Claus from his mysterious birth and upbringing by elves to his marriage to Mrs. Claus to how modern-day Christmas traditions began.

The Moral of the Story - Don't pout and don't cry. Watch out. And be good for goodness sake. Oh, and some people gotta die if shit is going to change.

Live Action Specials (Pre-1985):

It's a Wonderful Life

Plot Synopsis - A generous man is saddled with a crippling financial deficit on Christmas and wishes that he had never been born. An angel who is trying to get his wings shows him what like would be like if he hadn't been.

The Moral of the Story - True wealth is measured in loved ones and no man is a failure if he has friends.

Miracle on 34th Street

Plot Synopsis - A Macy's department store Santa believes that he is the real Santa Claus and is sentenced to be committed to a mental institution. It is up to one family to convince the State Supreme Court that he is the real Santa Claus.

The Moral of the Story - Our justice system and post office are a big waste of taxpayer dollars.

White Christmas

Plot Synopsis - Two former army buddies make Broadway hits and try to save their former commanding officer's Bed and Breakfast which is going under due to lack of snow.

The Moral of the Story - I'm pretty sure there isn't one. I'm actually pretty sure that this is a covert white-supremacist propaganda video.

A Christmas Story

Plot Synopsis - Ralphie Parker tries to survive the Christmas season and attain his dream present, a Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a sun dial.

The Moral of the Story - Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in it's own way. Wait...that might be Anna Karenina. Let's go with, don't provide children with firearms.

Live Action Specials (Post-1985):

Christmas Vacation

Plot Synopsis - The Griswold family's plans for a big family Christmas predictably turn into a big disaster.

The Moral of the Story - Family is over-rated, but Christmas bonuses are essential for a happy holiday.

Home Alone

Plot Synopsis - Kevin McCallister believes that he has wished his family out of existence when he wakes up one morning in an empty house. He is forced to fend for himself and protect his house, Under Armor-style, from the conniving Wet Bandits. 

The Moral of the Story - Family is not over-rated, you can trust deranged-looking men with shovels, and paint cans to the face hurt. 

The Muppet Christmas Carol

Plot Synopsis - A bitter miser is given a chance at redemption on Christmas Eve when he is visited by spirits who take him through notable Christmases of his life as they are pursued by Charles Dickens and his rat friend.

The Moral of the Story - Christmas is the season for making sure that the other people in our life are taken care of. And repressed traumatic memories are going to come back to screw with you at some point.

Elf

Plot Synopsis - A human who has been raised by elves at the North Pole embarks on a quest to re-connect with his real father and his new family while saving his father from the naughty list and saving Christmas. 

The Moral of the Story - The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

However, if you're a moderately intelligent human being, while you may love all this Christmas cheer, on some level some of these have to bug you a little bit. I've already caught three of these on television this Christmas season and every time I watch them there are some things that I just can't get over...so let me vent a little bit on that. I'm going to single out one from each category to pick on:

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Every time I watch this film I always think that it's a prelude to a film much like Falling Down with Michael Douglas. Eventually Charlie Brown is going to have to get tired of being the whipping boy and just rampage like all holy hell over the ungrateful shit-mongers that he counts as his friends and family. Poor Charlie Brown gets picked on by everybody. That's because Peanuts has always been a psychological study of status. In any given Peanuts exchange, with the one exception of Charlie Brown and Linus who are true peers, there is always a significant gap in status. Every other Peanuts relationship has a more dominant personality who makes their presence felt. Bing the progressive rain-hating person that he is, Charles Schultz almost always gives this power to the female characters.

The second most dominant character in the Peanuts universe are the easy-going but boisterous Peppermint Patty whose cult of personality is so well established that even her lesbian counterpart Marci has to refer to her as "Sir". The most dominant is, of course, Queen bee Lucy Van Pelt. She is a crabby, cynical fuss-budget of an eight-year-old girl and she is her society's resident bully. She also feels that she is so well put-together that she is qualified to open her own psychiatric practice and charge her friends for her hack advice. She's also vain enough to expect that Charlie Brown will add the part of "Christmas Queen" into the nativity story for her. Messing with Shakespeare is one thing, but this is the Bible, Lucy. Adding parts and changing the story could lead to confusion within the Church and we risk another Crusade. Do you want all that blood on your hands just so you can play the Christmas Queen?

The men of Peanuts are the domineered subjects of their female counterparts, and Charlie Brown is the lowest of the low. I think that Pig Pen might be lower, but because he accepts his role and does not attempt to ascend from his position within the proletariat, the others go easier on him. Charlie Brown is always wanting of recognition and regard and this is where he gets himself into trouble. This is because children without the supervision of trombone-sounding adults are bound to fail in their childish endeavors, and when they do they will need a scapegoat. If I can get the rights to produce my own Charlie Brown television special, it will be called "You're a Perfect Fall Guy, Charlie Brown". My issue with the Peanuts gang is that I clearly have no clue what they are basing their misdirected system of popularity off of. It's clearly not intelligence or Know-How or else Linus would be at the top. It's clearly not attractiveness or else pug-faced Lucy would be closer to the bottom. And it's clearly not artistic talent because Schroeder is always getting ragged on even though he plays some mean Beethoven, and some of the most popular people are some of the worst dancers. Speaking of which, let us examine this iconic dance scene:

First of all, while I am impressed with Schroeder's piano skills...who knew Pig Pen could play the cello? The cello is a much more difficult instrument and he doesn't even use a bow he just plucks it like he's frickin' Miles Davis. You go, Pig Pen! Meanwhile, we've got dancers covering a long spectrum from awesome to awful. Linus and Sally are cutting a serious rug. Their dance moves are above reproach. The same cannot be said for some of the others. Shermy is in the back rocking a move I would dub "The Frankenstein". This is a good humor move like "The Sprinkler" or "The Lawn Mower" but you can't overuse it the way that he is. Frieda's dancing is overtly manic, but at least she's enthusiastic. I also will give a pass to the nameless twins, they are rocking the Ray O'Brien Happy Dance (not to be confused with the Evan Starkman Happy Dance) and while this dance is simplistic they are perfectly synchronized while doing it...so points for good choreography. The awful dancers are 5 in the front who is clearly just shrugging and turning his head and is trying to pass this off for dancing, and Violet who looks like she is having a seizure and is punching herself in the face. How did she get to be popular with dance moves like that? Although, I understand why they hate Charlie Brown at this point. It's because he turns into John Lithgow from Footloose and tries to forbid dancing within his domain. Lighten Up, Charlie Brown. That's also the name of my other Charlie Brown spec script.

I also don't get why the animators re-used about twenty frames of dancing here and re-looped it to save time and effort...yet at the beginning when the kids are skating they have about 90 seconds of skating footage that doesn't loop and forms confusing patterns that makes it really hard to count how many kids there are. There are nine, but it took me over a minute to count them and you get the optical illusion that there are about twelve. They also have Linus skate off screen right and then skate on screen left less than two seconds later. That is impressive. Also, I noticed that in the Nativity story they cast parts such as: Shepherd's Wife and Inn Keeper's Wife, yet they forgot to cast Mary, Joseph, or Jesus. And why can't Linus remember his lines as Shepherd #2, yet he can bust out lengthy Bible verses completely unprompted. And how do they expect Charlie Brown to get a sweet-ass aluminum tree when the play that he's directing clearly has no budget. He should have just covered his ass by saying that the tree he brought back was the easiest one to steal...which I'm pretty sure is what he did. Brush Them Haters Off, Charlie Brown. That will be the third Charlie Brown movie in my trilogy.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

This has to compete with It's a Wonderful Life for the title of THE Christmas Special. Everybody has seen it and if you haven't...tell your parents to love you a little more. However, this has so many head-scratchers in it that it is laughable. I'm constantly saying "WTF?" I'm going to need some help from the bullet points for this one.

• Some of the toys on the Island of Misfit Toys are frickin' awesome. They don't belong there and I'm pretty sure that they were only sent there because the island is a Commie gulag operated by Sam the Snowman...seriously Burl Ives. What kid doesn't want a squirt gun that shoots a laser stream of jelly? If the physics of that were practical today, it would be the top-selling toy this Christmas. I also see nothing wrong the toy airplane, it seems pretty beast nasty. I understand that nobody wants a Charlie-in-the-Box because of it's annoying voice, but most of the toys were actually pretty cool. And then they kill the toy bird at the end. He makes it very clear that his defect is that he can't fly (but he can swim) yet the elves think "Of course, he can fly. He's a bird." So, they drop him out of the sleigh without the umbrella parachute that all of the other toys got. That couldn't have ended well.

• I understand the practicality of the masses ostracizing people that are different in a way that isn't also useful. The other reindeer mocking Rudolph makes sense to me, though I may not agree with it. However, why the hell does Fireball get a free pass for his schlock of blonde hair. I don't see any other reindeer sporting any Goldilocks. Put him on the ice drift with the other two misfits. Which brings me to ice drifts. They appear to have gone from method of execution for elderly Eskimos to a means of whimsical transportation. Way to re-appropriate, Rankin/Bass. 

• When was it decided that elves are impervious to cold? Rudolph is clearly cold even though he has a layer of fur designed to protect him from the elements and Yukon Cornelius is good to go because he is sporting the finest in 1960s winter wear. However, Hermie is just strutting around in his skimpy little felt elf costume and leggings. He has got to be freezing his little elf balls off but he doesn't even give you a shiver the whole time. Also, if this film were made in product placement post-2000 era, you know that Yukon Cornelius's garb would have little stop motion North Face or Columbia logos all over it and there would be a couple lines of dialogue explaining how the patented silver dot technology reflects heat back at you to keep you warm.

• It seems like nobody notices that Santa is a colossal cock in this movie. He totally abuses Rudolph and his elves and does not even moderately come over to Rudolph's side until he sees the positive ramifications that Rudolph's nose can have for him. I could list all of Santa's various asshole moves in this film but I'm not the only one who noticed. So, I'll let this video do it for me. I don't own any of the rights to the scenes portrayed in this video but Rankin/Bass movies are so old that they are practically public domain...and I will continue to think that until the cease and desist papers come from their lawyers to my not-for-profit blog.

•  Don't ask me how I know this, but try watching this DVD with the Spanish language feature turned on. Every time that Yukon Cornelius licks the snow off of his ice pick he does a very weird, gratuitous sexual moaning. Leave it to the Spanish to sex up all of their programming even if it is a big, hairy fire crotch like old Yukon Cornelius.

• If you bother to pay attention to the opening credits...Rankin/Bass is ridiculously deficient in the roman numerals department. Either that or they really did copyright this thing in the 1500s.

• I'm not sure that I understand King Moonracer or The Bumble. I will accept a certain amount of mythology and make believe in these Santa tales, but these two are straight out of some sad hippie's fever dream. Also, who wins in this fight? You never get an inkling into whether King Moonracer is a bad-ass or not. This might be the second most intriguing Christmas fight question behind "Who wins a fight between Tiny Tim and Cindy Lou Who?" In that one, I think it all comes down to whether Tiny Tim is willing to abandon his "Peace on Earth and Good Will Toward Men" philosophy and use his crutch as a weapon when a little girl with pig-tails and a pig-snout for a nose comes flying at him with her Grinch-given razor candy cane swinging.

It's a Wonderful Life

There aren’t too many things that I can fault this movie for. Instead I would like to take a step back and fault just about every comedy in television history (except for That 70s Show) for not taking advantage of the platform that has been graciously provided for them to make an awesomely hokey, yet entirely hilarious Christmas special. It seems as though every comedic program runs their obligatory rip-off of Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol by plugging in their main character into the Ebenezer Scrooge mold and showing him/her what life would be like if he/she doesn’t change his/her ways. They’ll usually bust out some popular fringe characters to take on the roles of the three spirits. The more ridiculous a show is, the more likely it is to have one of these episodes (see Dick Butkus as the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come on Hang Time). Sometimes the episode is good, other times, not so much. Yet once you’ve seen a dozen of these episodes, you start to feel like you’ve seen them all. Why not then, switch it up a little and pull an It’s a Wonderful Life rip-off episode. I can’t imagine this is a copyright issue because A) Frank Capra is dead B) RKO Pictures went belly up in the 1950s which means it has to be public domain by now and C) This movie is itself a rip-off of A Christmas Carol. Basically instead of three spirits showing a dick what his life was like and will be like if he doesn’t stop being a dick, you have one angel showing a decent guy what his life was like and will be like if he were to cease being a decent guy (technically he would stop being a guy all together). 

As was mentioned above That 70s Show pulled this off to great effect several years ago. They showed us what would have happened if Eric and Donna had never shared their first kiss. Epic Television. And this format delivers what America really wants to see. We don’t want to see cryptic visions of the future. We want to see revisionist visions of the present. Who doesn’t like a great game of “What If?”. Revisionist history is ten times more interesting. I want to see the How I Met You Mother where we see what would have happened if Stella had never left Ted. I want to see 30 Rock where we see what would have happened if Jack had never brought Tracy onto The Girlie Show. I want to see the The Big Bang Theory where Penny gets naked...but that's off topic. So shame on you TV comedies. Now before Christmas of 2010 I suggest that you start working on that of which I (and America) desire.

Home Alone

I loved this film when I was five. I mean it was my absolute favorite movie...and I still do love it. Nothing shoots me right into the wonder of the Christmas season like Joe Pesci getting hit in the face with a paint can. But no movie represents, for me, the disappointment of growing up and finding out that life isn't really what you thought it was the way that Home Alone does. Christmas movies are full of this because every child has that allegedly traumatic moment when they find out that Santa isn't real. I was born knowing that Santa wasn't real. The O'Briens are absolutely awful liars. I have inherited this trait. My parents can always tell when I am lying, but I can also always tell when my dad is lying. My mom, and the Dwyers are a different story. They are tremendous liars and my brother Will picked up that very useful gene. However, I'm not sure that I ever bought into the Santa Clause ruse...not even at three or four years old.

However, these Christmas specials made me buy into other whimsical make-believes that I later realized were not true. The first involved the drumstick that Burgermeister Meisterburger (great name!) is eating at the beginning of Santa Clause Is Coming to Town. It looked absolutely delicious. I tried for years (before the internet) to figure out what animal this drumstick could have come from. It had to be from some animal with two plump calves on the same leg. It seemed to defy physics. And this is because no such animal exists. Not even Medieval Times could produce a drumstick as delicious looking as that fictional drumstick, which I will never get to taste. Christmas magic died inside of me a little bit that day...but that was nothing compared to the torture and irreparable loss of Christmas Spirit that Home Alone would inflict years later.  

For those of us that remember the wonder of Home Alone as children, we remember the particular joy of a film within the film called Angels with Filthy Souls. It consisted of a gangster named Johnny telling another gangster named Snakes that AC wasn't in charge any more he was no longer welcome in his presence. He then proceeded to reinforce the stereotype that gangsters are bad at counting and pumped Snake's guts full of lead. "Keep the change, ya filthy animal!" This masterpiece was followed up in Home Alone 2 with Angels with Even Filthier Souls. Again we have Gangster Johnny (who obviously survived the first film) confronting a cheating lover. He lists off a numerous amount of people with names typical of gangsters of the time, including his brother, who she has been smooching with. By the looks of her, she wasn't smooching with the lips on her face. She, like Snakes before her, gets to keep some change. These movies were classics with so many quotable lines in just a few minutes of screen time. I particularly love, "I believe you, but me tommy gun don't. Get on your knees and tell me you love me."

However, when I was 12 years old and AOL brought the internet into the O'Brien household, I went online to see where I could procure these films which Blockbuster never seemed to carry. And that's when I found out the heart-breaking news that they didn't actually exist. They had been filmed simply for Home Alone. My heartbreak was significant. I've never gotten over it and I think that Hollywood is filled with absolute idiots for the fact that they didn't obtain the rights to these titles and characters and make the films. Ralph Foody who played Johnny died in 1999, but I feel that you find a solid actor to take his place and shoot a black and white gangster film around that character today. That idea is all yours, Hollywood. But if you sit on it too long, I'm taking it back once I get financial backing.

I also am always reminded and surprised by the fleeting nature of fame when I watch the Home Alone franchise. This movie marked career highs for a great many actors. Sure, there are some actors who may have gone on to better things like John Candy, Tim Curry, or Scarlett Johannson. And I think that this is a Top 5 Christmas film, but it's not even Catherine O'Hara's best one. But for several other actors that appeared in these films this is the pinnacle of their careers. And I don't know that that's a bad thing because there are so many iconic roles in these films. There is no shame in this being the most recognizable film for glorified actors like Macaulay Culkin, Daniel Stern, and Roberts Blossom. Kevin McCallister, Marv, and Old Old Man Marley are all roles of lifetime. Hell, Joe Pesci won an Oscar for Goodfellas which came out the same year as Home Alone and I bet you he's more recognizable for playing Harry than he is for playing Tommy in Goodfellas. However, possibly the most iconic role from this film is by long forgotten actor Devin Ratray. He played Buzz McCallister, Kevin's dick head older brother, whose girlfriend was played by an unfortunate actress whose face will forever be associated with the word "Woof." While the landmark role of Buzz McCallister is far and away his most prominent role he actually has a pretty interesting life these days. He lost and got booted out of the Cash Cab and he made a documentary about his intended love affair with Condoleeza Rice. I want to see this man in the Surreal Life house.

Now let's get to the Match-Ups and determine which Christmas Special is the best...

How the Grinch Stole Christmas vs. Frosty the Snowman

Both of these are good specials, which have entertained audiences for generations. Both feature iconic voice actors in Thurl Ravencroft and Jackie Vernon. And both present a couple of odd quandaries. Somehow, despite his heart growing multiple sizes and realizing the value of Christmas, the Grinch is back to "Grinching" (yes, he turned his name into a verb) the Whos and proclaiming that Halloween is Grinch night within four years. And in Frosty the Snowman Karen is thwarted in her race against time to get Frosty to the North Pole when a ticket there costs over $3000. Even for the North Pole that seems expensive in 1960s money, although I was surprised that trains went there at all. Also, the ending to this is so sad. Watching Frosty melt in that greenhouse has to be traumatically scarring for Karen. It's like the final scene of Titanic...but in reverse. It's the saddest Christmas scene since the Little Drummer Boy's pet lamb got run over by that runaway cart. In this match-up there is clearly a heavy favorite that will be advancing. Comparing these two is like pitting Who Hash against Roast Beast. Winner: How the Grinch Stole Christmas

A Charlie Brown Christmas vs. The Town Santa Forgot

Both of these specials preach a message of anti-consumerism and the need for generosity. One uses a selfish brat who grubs for toys and the other uses a pessimistic blockhead who takes too much guff from his schoolmates. A Charlie Brown Christmas digs deeper into the spiritual roots of the holiday while The Town Santa Forgot stays along the secular path. The Town Santa Forgot does get points for maintaining it's entire story in rhyme. However, it has to lose points for implying that Santa doesn't care about the illiterate...the town of Jeremy Creek has been left off of his route likely because there school system is so poor that the children haven't learned to read or write and thus don't write letters to Santa. Charlie Brown scores some points for taking a step back and shining a light on some of society's errant ways in regards to the holidays. This special serves as a mirror in which society can take a look at itself. This one is also not that close. Winner: A Charlie Brown Christmas

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer vs. The Year without a Santa Claus

Two of the finer films in the Rankin/Bass empire are squaring off here. That being said, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is much more well-known than The Year without a Santa Claus. Somehow, The Year without a Santa Claus has gone largely unseen by my entire generation. Despite the gap in viewership numbers The Year without a Santa Claus is superior to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in many of the most important aspects. All of the Stop Motion specials in this tournament are musicals and The Year without a Santa Claus beasts Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in terms of song quality. "We are Santa's Elves", "We're a Couple of Misfits", and "Silver and Gold" are no match for "The Heat Miser Song" and "The Snow Miser" Song. The best characters battle is a little closer. Since, both films feature whiny nasally protagonists as the two leads we are forced into a matchup of best characters that features Yukon Cornelius and Sam the Communist Snowman vs. Heat Miser and Snow Miser. Once again, Heat Miser and Snow Miser clean up here...but at least Yukon tried. In the words of Michael Kelso: "Heat Miser is a bad-ass." Winner: The Year Without a Santa Claus 

The Nightmare Before Christmas vs. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

Here we have a classic Tim Burton work versus an extremely boring Rankin/Bass film. There are so many ridiculous concepts in Santa Claus is Coming to Town that it makes your head spin. Why is it OK for the Postman to open children's mail? Why do the laws use all-male pronouns? Why is the orphan asylum so far out in the middle of nowhere? Where are all these land-locked German seals coming from? The Nightmare Before Christmas only offers up one puzzling quandary: Why can't I be as awesome as Jack Skelington? So you can go ahead and keep your Topper and your Winter Warlock and your whole Kringle family...the Clown with the Tear-Away Face is coming with me. Winner: The Nightmare Before Christmas

It's a Wonderful Life vs. Miracle on 34th Street

This is a tough first round battle for two American classics. It features two protagonists who are "fighting the man". One of them is trying to defend Santa Claus in a sanity hearing before the New York Supreme Court. The other is trying to protect his community of Bedford Falls from the evil pater familias of America's fourth most-beloved acting family. Both are heart-warming and employ a little magical realism. However, only one of these two films has Jimmy Stewart...so there is a clear-cut advantage. I'm also pretty sure that according to United States law the letters from the Post Office were submitted as evidence incorrectly meaning that Kris Kringle should have actually lost his sanity hearing. Rules are rules, people. Winner: It's a Wonderful Life

White Christmas vs. A Christmas Story

Of all the Christmas specials on this list...these are the only two that I have never seen. And I would prefer to keep it that way. So I'm going to side with A Christmas Story since Dave from Trivia likes it so much, and since it has actually spawned pop culture references that I have heard of. Sorry, that I won't be waxing poetic on these two. Winner: A Christmas Story

Christmas Vacation vs. Home Alone

Here we have two family comedies that believe that the whole family should be assembled for special occasions such as Christmas. My personal experiences along with the examples of Uncle Frank, Uncle Lewis, Cousin Fuller, and Cousin Eddie prove that this is almost always a bad idea. Both of these films have lovable, oddball protagonists. But a protagonist can only be as good as his counterpart, so let's look at the villains. We have a stingy boss played Buster Green from Groundhog Day going against the indomitable tandem of the Wet Bandits played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. There was also a classic false antagonist switch as we were originally led to believe that Roberts Blossom's Old Man Marley was going to be the bad guy. Let's forget that we were pretending like this was ever close. Winner: Home Alone

The Muppet Christmas Carol vs. Elf

A tough first round draw here for both parties. The Muppets always put on a solid movie. Every Muppet acts their part to perfection and they always snag the best live actors to play the other parts. Tim Curry was the best Long John Silver there has ever been in Muppet Treasure Island and the same can probably be said of Michael Caine in A Muppet Christmas Carol. However, the Muppets may have met their match in the fact that they have pitted themselves up against an almost indomitable foe: an insatiably hot female wearing a sexy outfit and not using her natural hair color. How can I resist? And seriously, that elf costume that Zooey Deschanel is wearing is off-the-hook hot. How is Santa and naughty elf not a more popular role-playing fantasy? However, the Muppets fight back with the power of song and Elf would have better odds if I could get holiday classics like "Scrooge" and "Marley and Marley" out of my head. Winner: The Muppet Christmas Carol

How the Grinch Stole Christmas vs. A Charlie Brown Christmas

We have a barn-burner here. This one really could go either way. You have two classic and iconic tales with incredibly recognizable leads. However, the difference here is probably going to come down to a the fact that while the Charlie Brown saga might be a more dynamic and compelling tale, this is but merely one chapter of it. This is almost all of the Grinch's tale. There is also Halloween is Grinch Night but that has been viewed by significantly less people and is considered by many to be non-canon since it does away with all of the personal growth that he went through during this Christmas caper. A Charlie Brown Christmas is part of the larger Charlie Brown story and omits too many of the major mythology to be considered representative. At know point in this tale does Lucy pull a football out from underneath his naive foot. It also omits such classic characters as Peppermint Patty, Marci, Franklin, Woodstock, or any trombone-voiced adults. Meanwhile, the Grinch can tell us the entire story of the Grinch in a jam-packed half hour of television. Winner: How the Grinch Stole Christmas

The Year Without a Santa Claus vs. The Nightmare Before Christmas

Two solid entrants come into this quarterfinal. And Heat Miser and Snow Miser even look as though they might be more at home in the world of The Nightmare Before Christmas. Both of these feature classical musical numbers. However, The Nightmare Before Christmas is hard to beat because it is an almost flawless piece of cinema...I don't know how you'd improve on it. The good people at ABC were able to improve on The Year Without a Santa Claus when they made a live action version in 2006. They brought in stud actors Michael McKean and Harvey Fierstein to play Heat Miser and Snow Miser. They brought in Ethan Suplee and Eddie Griffin to play Jingle and Jangle. And they brought in John Goodman to play Santa himself. They also replaced Snow Miser and Heat Miser's minions, who in the stop motion version were just Mini-Me-style fifth-sized versions of themselves, with attractive models in bikinis who help them load their icicle and fireball cannons as they do battle with each other. So, while The Year Without a Santa Claus was good, clearly there was room for improvement. Winner: The Nightmare Before Christmas

It's a Wonderful Life vs. A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story was just a default winner. It's a Wonderful Life is winning this one in a walk-over. Winner: It's a Wonderful Life.

Home Alone vs. The Muppet Christmas Carol

This might be the most challenging match-up of the entire tournament. I love both of these films. Both possess great enjoyment, quotable lines, and well-meaning Christmas messages for youth. This battle is going to come down to which one has the best comically mismatched antagonists. Home Alone features Harry and Marv, the Wet Bandits and later the Sticky Bandits, who can't outsmart Kevin McCallister but have actually managed to outsmart the rest of society. They play off of each other nicely and despite their yelling and belittling of each other, you get the impression that they wouldn't work with anybody else. However, they are pitted against the equally iconic curmudgeons that are Statler and Waldorf, whom were wisely cast as brothers Jacob and (previously unmentioned) Robert Marley in this incarnation of A Christmas Carol. This one is going to have to come down to a sing-off. Watch the video.

Well, that ought to do it. Winner: The Muppet Christmas Carol

How the Grinch Stole Christmas vs. The Nightmare Before Christmas

This battle is actually going to come down to mountains. I've always had a major problem with Mount Crumpet. The sign says that it is 3000 feet (and I hope to God that that is prominence and not elevation) but that wouldn't actually make it that tall of a mountain. As a Bo Scout I've ascended the peaks of multiple mountains that are over 3000 feet in prominence. That figure would barely put it as one of the Top 100 mountains in the United States. Also, the movie implied that all of this was happening on a snow flake, as though these Whos are the same ones from Horton Hears a Who. Does that mean that when they say "feet" they mean Who feet and not our standard American feet? It's very confusing. However, there's nothing confusing about awesome twisty mountains that unspool themselves so that you can walk down them. No, those are just awesome. Point for Cake. Winner: The Nightmare Before Christmas

It's a Wonderful Life vs. A Muppet Christmas Carol

A worthy match-up of beloved Oscar-winning actors meet in this semi-final. And Jimmy Stewart might be just as cuddly as Fozzie Bear. I stated above that I liked the premise of It's a Wonderful Life and was growing somewhat weary of A Christmas Carol take-offs. However, everything is better with Muppets. Muppets are the greatest. They're like people, if people were awesome 24/7. And this film found a way to work them all in without it seeming crowded. They cast Sam the Eagle as the Schoolmaster, Kermit as Bob Cratchit, and Fozzie as Fozziewig (brilliant!). They even included fan favorites such as The Swedish Chef, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and Lew Zealand. It's a Wonderful Life is nothing to shake a stick at. It's a movie that really transcends Christmas and that shouldn't be put amongst the greatest Christmas movies but rather the greatest movies of any kind. However, George Bailey clearly has a lot going for him as we found out at the end of that film, so I'm giving this win to the less fortunate...like Tiny Tim Cratchet. Winner: The Muppet Christmas Carol

The Nightmare Before Christmas vs. The Muppet Christmas Carol

The two finalists are here. And they are two films that every child needs to have seen in order to have had a proper childhood. Both come from stables that have produced numerous entertaining treats for people of all ages. I'm not sure that there has ever been a film that speaks to as many people as The Nightmare Before Christmas. It took goth culture and made it fun and cool. I would not describe goths as fun or cool. In my mind it can claim it's place as one of the best 25 movies of all-time. While a great film, The Muppet Christmas Carol is probably only the third best Muppet movie of all-time. The title of best Muppet movie has to go to Muppet Treasure Island due to Tim Curry's poignant turn as Long John Silver and it's representation of childhood loss of innocence during the fall of one's hero from grace. Therefore, I am crowning the best Christmas Special of all-time as follows. Winner: The Nightmare Before Christmas

Well, now I know what I'll be popping into the old DVD Player. So I take my leave. Please tune in next week for the Ray 100 and see if you made the cut. And if you would like to help me by being surveyed for some upcoming posts...please drop me a line.