Hola Party People. This post will tackle an epic quandary that has confounded man for a long time. Is "gay" a sexual orientation or is it a "lifestyle"? For anybody who does not understand
the title of this post the picture at the side will show you a "Gay? Fine By Me" T-Shirt the likes of which are taking college campuses and other places of education and understanding by storm. However, I don't think that gay means what most people think it means. Any dictionary definition will tell you that gay may refer to an adjective that is synonymous with homosexuality. This started in the mid-20th century. Before that gay was an adjective meaning "carefree and happy". For instance, the in the film
The Gay Divorcee Fred Astaire is not homosexual but rather just carefree. And the Flintstones were not going to have a “homosexual old time” (unless they were and then that is just awesome). However,
the word “gay” has become overtly synonymous to pertaining to stereotypes of homosexuality. Kids and teenagers have, for decades, used the word as a pejorative to disparage something as not cool. When somebody commits an uncool act it is described as “so gay”. Furthermore, young adults and older males often refer to actions that are stereotypically homosexual as “so gay”. For example, if I decided that I wanted to
go out wearing skinny jeans and guyliner, even though I am a heterosexual, I would be referred to by all parties involved as “so gay”. However, if a female wanted to play sports or wear steel-toed boots little would be said, meaning that gay mainly pertains to stereotypes of male homosexuality. Which means gay isn’t really a word that we are using to describe a sexual orientation anymore. We are using it to describe a lifestyle. Therefore, this is my new definition of gay. Gay means "of or pertaining to characteristics of a lifestyle that is generally
associated with male homosexuality". Now let’s run this new definition through a little test. I am going to attempt to see which of my friends is the most “gay” by these new standards. Today’s battle will pit an alleged homosexual, Andrew “Homo Erectus” Thomas Smith (right) against an alleged heterosexual, Nicholas “Dego McWopperson” Anthony Rosati (left). And who would be better to help us determine who is truly living the gay lifestyle but the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy fellows. Let us see what they have to say...
First up is Ted Allen, our resident food and wine connoisseur. He has observed the eating, drinking, and smoking habits of our two test subjects and here our his conclusions:
Andrew Smith enjoys himself some pretty manly drinks. He tends to subsist himself on Jack
Daniels, a very manly alcohol, and is a big fan of Jack and Cokes and Captain and Cokes. He has recently switched to Diet Coke which could be considered mildly "gay" but he has managed to justify it as simply being health conscious and we can't really fault him for that. He does smoke which while not gay itself is more gay than not smoking. He will basically smoke whatever he can get his hands on but leans towards Camel Turkish Golds which are just haughty, not gay. Now if he smoked Virginia Slims Menthol Ultra Lights...that would be gay. As far as food is concerned he is a fairly standard meat and potatoes guy. He enjoys the occasional salad, but who doesn't? Overall I'm going to have to give him a Gay Rating of 2.
Nick Rosati has a significantly gayer drink selection. While not as gay as an appletini his drink de jour is the gin and tonic (or a gin rickey). This drink is known for being the drink of middle-aged ladies and tastes of pine needles and old man dick. Nick does not smoke. At least he doesn't smoke cigarettes...the jury is out on other narcotics. His food preferences stray strongly towards Italian food. He enjoys all of the same foods that a well selected sample population would enjoy, he just loves Chef Boyardee more than they do. However, this is not gay. Overall Nick will receive a gay rating of 3.
Neither Andrew nor Nick are excessively gay in the food and drink department but I am going to give my slight edge to Nick Rosati for being a bit of a dandy when he orders at the bar.
Next up is Kyan Douglas, our resident grooming guru. He has observed the grooming, hygiene, and hair and makeup practices of our subjects and here are his conclusions:
Andrew Smith has an overtly heterosexual grooming style. His hair is a short almost buzz cut and before that it was long and stringy in a way that was so unkempt it could not be defined as gay. He also has marginal hygiene in terms of the fact that when sober he will shower and shave as he should but in the far more likely case that he is drunk he will often just wake up and go about his day without washing his own sick off of himself. He does not appear to own any overtly gay hygiene products. Upon initial inspection of his bathroom I see no loofahs or scented bath gels. He also does not work out a lot and appears to be content with a body that is not rippling. Self-satisfaction with a less than perfect physique is going to cost him some gay points. I am going to have to give him a gay rating of a 1.
Nick Rosati also possesses pretty heterosexual hairstyle. He does however, use coconut scented
and infused shampoo and conditioner which will score him some definite gay points. Most of his other hygiene products are moderately straight. He doesn't wear guyliner. He does however keep in shape and keep flexible by doing yoga which is obscenely gay. He may claim that he does it for the ladies but I think we all know that this is not the way yoga works. Male yoga is about men pretending to gain spiritual peace, when in fact that are just trying to gain flexibility to perform auto-felacio. Major gay points. His gay rating is a 7.
In terms of grooming and hygiene Andrew is a very non-gay wreck where as Nick scores big points for his questionable bathroom products and
yoga dates. Definitely an edge to Nick Rosati.
Next up is Thom Filicia, our resident design doctor. He has observed the living spaces, interior design, and home organization of our subjects and here are his conclusions:
Wow. This is all I can say. I walk into Andrew Smith's bedroom and I wonder why we are even
having this competition. My gay detector is blipping like crazy. It is about to overheat. The man has an IKEA ad for a bedroom. Oh...so gay. Looking around his room I see an excess of throw pillows. Gay. I see the Twilight boxed set. Gay. I see a fur mink rug. Gay. And directly over his bed hangs a picture of a nude man with his penis dangling down toward the bed. Gay. Set. Match. This room receives a full gay rating of 10.
Nick Rosati's room does very little to shout gay at you. He does have a love of the color yellow and an unbecoming lust for all things 1980s, which is one of out gayer decades but he allows his roommate to keep the apartment in a shambles which is very not gay. His abode lacks tidiness and therefore that will cost him some gay points. His room earns him a gay rating of 3.
Upon seeing their respective residences I have no choice but to cast my vote to Andrew Smith as the gayer of the two. A definite edge for Andrew Smith.
Moving on we have Carson Kressley, our Fashion Savant. He has observed the clothing and accessories of our subjects and here are his conclusions:
Andrew Smith does not possess nearly enough truly gay clothes. He has some mildly gay clothes
but overall nothing that I can point to and say, "Wow. That is gay." He does enjoy bright crocks which are pretty gay but not enough for more than a point or so. There is a total absence of tight shirts or skinny jeans. He doesn't even dress like a metrosexual. He dresses like a trendy, mildly haughty heterosexual. I would give him a gay rating of a 2.
Nick Rosati also doesn't really dress that gay. Mainly he wears jeans and T-shirts. He tends to wear polos when working and on the occasion that he needs to look a little fancier he goes Oxford shirt with no tie. He dresses quite monotonously and he will score no originality points with me but his wardrobe also scores very few gay points. He scores one extra gay point because his favorite color is yellow which is creeping up the gay color pallette a bit but it's no pink or purple. He recieves a gay rating of a 2.
When comparing the two wardrobes I don't see anything that I can really harp and while I feel like I am cheating you by not making a decision I almost feel like I have to call this one a push.
Finally, we have come Jai Rodriquez our expert Culture Vulture. He has observed the pop culture, personal relationships, and social interactions of our subjects and here are his conclusions:
Andrew Smith is a total conundrum. Here is a specimen who absolutely needs to studied further.
Starting off in the realm of pop culture we find that he fuses both very masculine, heterosexual tastes with very effeminate, "gay" tastes. For example, in the realm of movies he loves Fight Club (insanely masculine), The Dark Knight (overtly masculine), and Transformers (It's masculinity is only trumped by it's own stupidity). However, his other favorite movies include Moulin Rouge (scores major gay points) and Twilight (gay beyond what words can say). His taste in music is mildly gay but not any more than that of the average man's true tastes. He does however, have Bromance on his TiVo. This means gay points...multiple gay points.
In terms of Andrew's relationships and social interactions we have come to another interesting
paradox. However, let us remember that we are defining "gay" not "homosexual" so
The Act That Dare Not Speak It's Name Part 2 and other events of Andrew soliciting physical affection from males will not be counted as gay points. Andrew does have a female best friend which is becoming more culturally acceptable despite the teachings of When Harry Met Sally... but it's still going to earn him at least one gay point. He also is a lightweight which earns him some gay points. He gets exceptionally drunk quicker than you would think and has a very large
DSR. He does not display overtly gay behavior when sober, however, when drunk he will act marginally gay aside from the fact that he will be hitting on females and possibly attempting to motorboat them. For some of his gayer moments please see the visual proof provided at right. Andrew earns himself a gay score of 6.
Nick Rosati has noticeably gay tastes in pop culture. His favorite music is a who's who of gay
music. Favorites include Madonna, Michael Jackson, Prince, Culture Club, Cyndi Lauper, and Alanis Morrisette. He is a huge fan of the 1980s which is the gayest American decade since 1740s. His favorite movies include the collective works of Johnny Depp who he enjoys on the same level and in seemingly the same way as the millions of American women who desire to have sex with Johnny Depp. He also greatly enjoys the movie My Best Friend's wedding. I also have to give him a gay point for being a Tony Romo fan. And I should probably also give him a point for being a fan of
ShadowHare.
Nick also has a fairly gay social life. Much like Andrew he has a female best friend which charts
on the gay scale. Also like Andrew he is an absolute functional lightweight with a very large
DSR. He is a self-proclaimed drunk wanderer and he has been known to wander towards some very gay adventures. He has been known to dance quite effeminately and carry purses in a social setting. For examples of the aforementioned gay dancing and purse carrying please see the photos at right.
As a matter of fact, I think that Nick's Exhibit Gay has definitely pushed him ahead I am going to have to give him a gay score of 8.
I have to say that when setting aside Andrew's romancing of men as homosexual and not gay, Nick actually leads a much gayer social life with gayer pop culture selections. He has to take the edge in this category.
Well, now that all of the Fab Five have weighed in, let us look at the results. Nick garnered three
votes while Andrew garnered one with one push. Nick scored 23 gay points while Andrew scored 21 gay points. Therefore we must come to the conclusion that even though Andrew is a straight-homosexual
* man and Nick is a homosexual-straight man, Nick is indeed more "gay". If you don't know the difference between straight-homosexual and homosexual-straight, it is kind of like the difference between Crayola's green-yellow and yellow-green. Don't be too confused.
Well...I hope we learned something today. For those of you that didn't, you might be saying to yourself, "Self, I found Ray's blatant stereotyping to be offensive." If such is the case please stay tuned for my forthcoming post on the importance of stereotyping. Until then try to live The Lush Life.
*Andrew's classification as a straight-homosexual is up for debate seeing as a straight-homosexual is popularly defined as a man who likes sports but won't sleep with women. Andrew fits neither of these parameters. His status as a homosexual is also up for debate. As the great Eddie Johnson once stated, "He is not a homosexual...he is to be considered a pansexual being who will lie down next to anything warm until evidence to the contrary is presented."
